Not strong enough Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Ok, well some of you know most of my whole story i think, some of you dont i'm sure, and some of you dont like me i'm sure. But the story is very long, and I wont bring it all back up, ill just hit some key points. Me and my ex of 2 years broke up about 3 months ago, i found out she was txting someone behind my back and went insane on her. Turns out the txting at the time was incited by someone persuing her and not herself, and i shouldn't have blown up like i did but i cant change that now. Well at first i made alot of mistakes, i txted some nasty things the first day after the breakup. I tried to talk to her and gave her a letter appologizing for that, she didn't want to speak at the time, and i finally realized this was getting me no where so i just backed off. It's been 7-8 weeks since i have made any contact with her. About 4 weeks after the breakup she ended up with the guy she was txting, and i ended up with someone else, but i'm fairly positive both are just rebounds. About 2 weeks ago she tried to make contact through a friend, it wasn't postive contact it was vindictive, her wanting back something she had given to me last christmas in exchange for some of my personal items, that a week before she was trying to give back through a third party. After talking to some people i realized this was most likely because she was mad and jelous of my new girlfriend. I did not respond, got my items through the same third party (he is neutral), without her knowing and have said nothing about it. She has up an emotional wall, because we broke up once before about 3 weeks before the second breakup, over no real reason in particular, just two people being in bad moods. We were both heartbroken and got back together within a week. She is starting back class on the 12th, and i feel, if i have a chance at the point in time, to try and reunit a spark and bring down her wall alittle it might be now. I plan on calling her one day next week, and asking her to a friendly lunch, i don't plan on bringing up anything about the old relationship, i really just want a friendly short lunch, to try and reunit some of the spark we had so long ago. The problem is, i have 3 things playing against me. Though she has not said anything about it since, i fear i may get a response like, yes but only if you bring the gift back. Or she will say something about her boyfriend not liking that, and me getting rejected. Or her wanting to, but contacting her bestfriend who doesnt like me very much before hand, asking her and her friend telling her not to do it. I can deal with the 2 parts that might land rejection, by just saying something to the effect of okie dokie, well, i was just checking and maybe ill talk to you later, but i dont know what to say if she brings up the old gift. Also, even though either way i plan to be confident, i don't want to give her an ego boost and push her further away. However, i only see 2 other openings in the next few months. One would be my birthday, if she decides to give me a happy birthday phone call or txt i could call her and invite her then. Or her birthday, I could do the same. Help me out here guys. Please don't give me a blatant move on with your life response, because i'm going to contact her at some point in time regardless. But everything else would be helpful and appreciated.
bunnixkisses Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 The whole gift thing...it's because she's trying to get a rise out of you. She is jealous about your new gf. Chances are..this little gift is NOT that important..and thats why she didn't grab it in the first place or inquire about it sooner. I know this, because everytime me and my bf fight and i leave his house...I always leave something behind so I have an excuse to come back. I think you should contact her...even if she rejects you, at least both of you will know that YOU tried. I would call her up and make small talk "how have you been..whats new" type stuff at first. See how she responds to that before you ask her on a "lunch date." You gotta sweet talk this girl dude...you freaked out on her. You pretty much pushed her into this other guys arms..so you gotta be the one to fix it. You need to play it off as if you realize she will not take you back, but you cant live without her so you want to be friends (not in those words though, sounds desperate) she will come to you. Suggest something like "Getting together for coffee, a drink, lunch to catch up" or something cheesy like that. She will see it as something completely harmless and wont really think twice about what her current bf thinks. If you do get to see her...apologize apologize apologize!!! You have to give her the upper hand on this one, and you need to remind her why she loves you. I would also find out what was behind the original texts first...why was she even allowing someone to come on to her? Was she bored with you? But talk to her like an adult, trust me..she'll respect that
Author Not strong enough Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 Thank you for the advice. As far as the orignal reason behind the txting, we were having problems before the first break up, we got in a rhutt and it got borning, and shes young, and it had to change. I did change it, but not enough to begin with. Also I suspect her best friend of trying to set it up, because she started to dislike me because she knew I disliked her new boyfriend.
bussie Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Do you want her in your live or not. You both need to communicate more, talk about every thing in your lifes together, and listen to each other. If your love is strong enough it will not matter what anyone else is saying, will it! Thank you for the advice. As far as the orignal reason behind the txting, we were having problems before the first break up, we got in a rhutt and it got borning, and shes young, and it had to change. I did change it, but not enough to begin with. Also I suspect her best friend of trying to set it up, because she started to dislike me because she knew I disliked her new boyfriend.
Author Not strong enough Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 Thats very true, but i scared her enough, that now i have to work to get her to talk to me first. That's why i need to make a good entry.
Author Not strong enough Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 Does anyway have a suggestion on how to handle the situation if she brings up the christmas gift. I don't want to give the gift back, and i don't want to get in a fight over it. I doubt she will say anything about it especially on the phone but i want to be prepared for anything.
westrock Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Why do people think that they can ask for a gift back? The whole idea of a gift is that once it's given, that's it, the giver loses the right to ask for it back otherwise it's not a gift but a loan of the item. But..... you said you want to try and reunit some of the spark the two of you had so long ago and that you don't want to get into a fight over the gift. If that is what you want to happen then why are you being so stubborn here? What is so important about this gift? If it's her grandfather's war medals for serving the country, then I can see why she wants it back. Even if it's something relatively trivial that you can easily buy at the store like a computer game, then what's the big deal in refusing to give it back? Yes you have the right to keep the gift, but what's more important to you? Keeping the gift or trying to get back together?
Author Not strong enough Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 Well west, i dunno, i like the sunglasses because it reminds me of a happier time, not just with her but a point where things were better in life. Business was doing well at the time she gave them to me, we were doing well, my brother who i hardly ever see was home for christmas, etc. Besides all that everyone said no matter what don't give them back to her. Something about giving them back makes me look weak, and in the back of her mind this will make me just as unattractive as contacting her constantly would. Also, does anyone think i should keep waiting on her to contact me, like hope for a birthday call or txt. Birthdays in early sept., since she doesnt have a job when she doesnt have classes she has nothing but free time, and can do many things to block me out of her mind. So would it be better to wait until she has to sit in class and daydream. Or am i chancing waiting to long, and all her summer fun may have me blocked out of her mind as is, and i have to be proactive and remind her in a way.
spellcatcher Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Well west, i dunno, i like the sunglasses because it reminds me of a happier time, not just with her but a point where things were better in life. Business was doing well at the time she gave them to me, we were doing well, my brother who i hardly ever see was home for christmas, etc. Tell her exactly that if she asks for it back... i think that's a wonderful way to both keep the gift AND avoid the fight. =) On one hand it shows her that an item she gave you is dear to you... without making you look desperate because it reminds you of HER. Secondly, it keeps your resolution to hold onto it and not give in... and thirdly... you are being honest and anyone who would demand it after knowing that is just mean. It will make her feel bad to ask again I think. My 2 cents
Author Not strong enough Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 Thanks spell, any advise on the time length guys, it hasnt been quite as long as i thought, i went back to an old phone that i quit using shortly after the last time i contacted her, the last txt was still there it was on june 18th, planned to ask her to lunch around the 4th, that would make 47 days of nc by my count. I could wait till the 10th as well, but she may be busy getting things straight for school at that point.
Author Not strong enough Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 Whats the verdict guys, do it now or wait? I wont be able to do it this week, but i will be able to next week. Btw, i looked at her facebook to see how her status with the new guy was, even though i know i shouldnt have. But i wanted to know if i was gonna make the call, it appears shes happy as can be. I have no way of knowing if she really is or if shes putting on a front. I can't judge it because for all i know im in some sort of denial about it.
EthanH Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Sheesh, I feel sorry for you, I really do. And I have been in a very similar position to the one you are in now. Simple fact is, you are only going to get out of it if you actually want to, no amount of advice from people on here will do anything if you don't want to listen. I think by the very fact you have written on here shows that you still think you can get back with her. The sad truth is, if she wanted to be with you, she would be. If she wanted to be with you, she wouldn't be with another guy atm. The very fact you are going over and over things in your head, what do say and do about x, y and z, shows that you are not only in denial, but your denial is stopping you from being able to be happy. She is getting on with her life, while you are just sitting around waiting for her to come back. I have to say, what you are doing is exactly the thing which will guarantee she doesn't. Who cares about the gift? Others are right about the fact that as a gift, she has no right to ask for it back. But is it really that important? The truth is, you are clinging onto the gift and the happy thoughts it represents as you are clinging onto the hope that those happy times can happen again. I have done that, but there will come a time when you will just see the gift as any other thing you own, you might even get to the stage there you don't want to have it because of what it represents. I was clearing through a box of old things yesterday, and i found a bunch of Valentines cards I got from an old ex, no idea why I kept them. I threw them out yesterday, because they don't mean anything to me now. Stop clinging onto hope, stop living in the past... if you never move on from that, you will never be happy. I know that is a difficult thing to accept, but you need to accept it. IF you end up getting back with her in the future, then great, but you cannot continue being like this, as it is consuming you as a person. The guy she fell for isn't there atm, he is all-consumed by this frankly obsessive guy, the rest of your personality will be overshadowed. And you have to see what an impact this will be having on your family and friends, not to mention your gf? I know exactly what it is like, people will speak to you and you will seem different, your thoughts will be somewhere else etc. You say you have a girlfriend, is this really fair on her?
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