lostinspace1213 Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 hi everyone... this is a tad bit long, but just bear with me... heavily detailed, should keep you interested! So, im 23 years old and i've been with my girlfriend for over six years...she's the love of my life, and i knew it when we first met in high school. Of course being a "kid", it was hard for people to take us seriously. That is until now that we've moved up in the world with our careers, and stuck together so well. We've always been 100% honest with one another. We ALWAYS look to "when" and not "if". We know everything about one another, but never run out of things to talk about. I love her with all my heart, but things got a bit complicated over the past year... Like every relationship, we hit a "rough patch". I was working long hours, she was doing the same with college. The time we did spend together, we seemed to have a lot more arguments than usual and it really wore me out... No matter what the situation, something just came over me and I felt like I was wasting my time...I began to feel insecure and like maybe I'd been missing out on something all this time. But that thought alone was just ridiculous when I'd sit and look at our history together... Pictures, vacations, notes we wrote in high school, greeting cards, you name it; I have some kind of keepsake in my possession... But hearing from these other experienced older men at work "your too young kid. your crazy! your going to marry that girl one day and never have had another woman? trust me, before you're married, you need to experience the world. you only live once"... Things like that on a normal basis, i'd be able to brush off and laugh...but eventually, it really did get to me...I had just moved into my own apartment at the time and was having so many lonely nights where I just had these questions running through my mind... All the fights we'd been having, and all the things these other guys told me... Eventually, I just lost it...I went against all my beliefs and statements and slept with another woman... I was never involved with her previously, but there was attraction in high school. We re-connected and basically, did what could've happened years back... The affair happened about 3 times in a 3 month period before I called it quits... While this was happening, the girl had a boyfriend also. Which actually comforted me! Simply because I wasn't alone in my experience or couldn't be blackmailed without her going down in flames as well... By the middle of the affair, she broke things off with her boyfriend and became very attached to me. I never made any promises to her, but I was extremely nice to her at all times since i didn't want to come off harsh or like I was using her... Apparently, I went overboard with the charm and she didn't want to lose me...We both wanted what we got at the time, but she seemed to want/need more... She would tell me she didn't think I actually loved my girlfriend and that I should be with her... Those things made me very angry, and is ultimately what made me wake up and realize what I had been doing all that time! I actually had to bite my tongue to avoid arguments with a girl that could potentially ruin my life...I just got a bit too involved, and it turned into a nightmare...I never felt anything towards her other than sexual attraction, and I felt terrible when I saw how torn she wound up. I just really needed to get out of there on good terms... So eventually, I was able to end it calmly and tell her id be in contact as a friend every couple months... That was last winter, and we've spoken maybe 5 times since then. Just an email saying "how are you" yadda yadda... The first few emails, she'd break down and say "this isn't working, we cant be friends. i want all or none". so i'm thinking "hell yea! none it is! so long!" But it wasn't that simple! She gave me her word that it was just between me and her, but I just couldn't/can't trust her for some reason...just scared... Me emailing her could go one of two ways...It could remind her to shut up, or it could remind her that she really liked me and get jealous/ want to tell someone...I just felt that this was such a big event in her life that she's going to feel obligated to talk to people about it unless I keep reminding her that I'm in a relationship that I really care about still... She lives 40 minutes away from me, but we went to high school together and she grew up in my town...AKA, she knows too many people to be talking about what happened... Every time I go a couple months without talking to her, i just get paranoid thinking she's going to tell someone. So I force myself to send a greeting, just hoping one of her emails is telling me she found the man of her dreams, so I can feel 100% safe... but i also don't want to keep slipping it in there, beating a dead horse.. I just need reassurance! AHHHH SO back to the important part.... when i tell you... i feel like S***! WOW.... The whole situation just sucks. I can't believe I did what I did... I deserve all the guilt and shame that I feel, I know that. It sucks that I can't talk about it with her or my friends, but I deserve that also. If someone told me one day before I cheated, that I was going to cheat on my girlfriend...Id call them SICK... I know I'm not married and I didn't have official vows in a church or anything. We don't even live together yet... but we did have our own vows as a couple, which kills me... I love that girl more than anything I have/had in my life, and I betrayed her... This situation was almost a year ago, and it haunts me worse on certain days... There's times where it doesn't bother me as much. I just think "it's over, I got it out of my system. It didn't mean anything." Sometimes I feel that maybe i'll be glad i did it once I actually do marry her. I feel like it's better now than later. I have no desire to do it again, but I cant FULLY say I regret it just yet...It's just the fact that I'm living a lie that gets to me basically. Because I feel deep inside, if i told her; it'd be over...so all the nice things she says about me and all the love she shows me, might actually be tarnished if she only knew the truth...That just makes me feel like pure trash. And I guess thats what I am... But for the record...I have never felt so attached to her, even more than when we first got together...since our puppy love days... I'm just obsessed with her, I go out of my way to show her even more, I tell her all the time how much I love her...She tells me all the time how much she notices. The situation has made me stronger and made me realize how much more she deserves...more than me, but I guess I'm just selfish. I can't let her go. I'd rather be dead than without her. And that is the truth, no sugar coating. No one can tell the future...I don't know if she might turn around and do me dirty tomorrow. And there's no telling if we'd even be together right now if I hadn't put myself through that... Thats the only optimistic way (if any) for me to look at the situation...It really opened my eyes..to how pathetic I am, and how much I really do love her... I didn't need to cheat to prove that. I honestly didn't know what was going to come of what I did...So please don't reply telling me I don't really love her. She's all I have, and I'm so damn sorry... Any thoughts/relevant and non insulting comments would be greatly appreciated... I know I was wrong, and every jerk off name in the dictionary... but am i overreacting? will i ever fully get over this? anyone with a similar tale?
bunnixkisses Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 So now you can say you have experienced having sex with another woman. Was it worth it? Was it everything those other guys made it out to be? Doesn't sound like it! But you're right...at LEAST it's out of the way. You're not abnormal at all. People deal with this all the time. In fact, I dealt with the same sort of situation, just a little different and on the other end. I started "seeing" this guy and we were getting really close. We were sleeping together, hanging out everyday, dates, kissing and holding hands the whole sha bang he just couldn't put a title on it. He had just recently got out of a relationship, and after a few months of "seeing me" he started hanging out with her again. I was devastated. No one likes going through something like that. But he explained that he needed to see if he still loved her..and he was back at my door a week later, and we are still together (a year later). I think human's have two ways of thinking, with our heads and our hearts. It's cheesy..but true. Your emotions (heart) took over, and made you do things you really didn't want to do. But now you know, and you can continue your life with her You have what every person in the world wants. So when these guys start talking **** at work, it's because they are jealous. You are going to marry your high school sweet heart because you two are TRUELY in love. Thats very rare, and something to cherish all in it's own. This situation is kinda touchy and I'm not sure what the best advice would be. You really only have 2 choices. 1. You could tell "gf" about what happend. Be completely honest...in fact..SHOW her this thread so she knows that you truely feel bad about it. She will respect your honesty...but IDK if she will break up with you. I would love to say that because of your history she wouldn't, but IDK her. But this way, you will be honest and respectful of your gf, and you wont have to worry about the other girl anymore. OR 2. You can try to keep it a secret. It really doesn't matter what this girl says, pretty sure...you can tell your girlfriend that this girl is lying, and she will believe you. The other girl has no PROOF. Guys weasle their way outta stuff all the time! The only problem with this is, you will feel guilty. There's a possibility the girl might tell everyone about you and her sleeping together and your gf believing her and leaving you, but probably not. IDK it's your choice in the end. I couldn't tell you how I honestly would feel in your gf's position. It really doesn't hurt ppl what they don't know...but I also do not want my bf lying to me either. Gotta make the choice you think is best Hope this helps! good luck
that girl Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 You need to tell your girlfriend. You don't get to decide to keep this secret. Not only did you betray her, you exposed her to health risks. And since you picked someone who could easily contact your girlfriend and you still email her, it is completely possible your girlfriend will find out on her own. You also sound very selfish. Sometimes I feel that maybe i'll be glad i did it once I actually do marry her. Yeah, but will she be glad to marry someone who cheated on her? I cant FULLY say I regret it just yet You feel guilty, but you don't feel regret. I don't know if she might turn around and do me dirty tomorrow. Like you did to her? I'm so damn sorry... No, you aren't. As you said yourself I cant FULLY say I regret it Sometimes I feel that maybe i'll be glad i did it once I actually do marry her.
nikayla Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 I also think you should tell your girlfriend- not because of morality or trust, but simply because there's always a chance the other woman may still resent you and, therefore, blackmail you in the future. You need to tell her and face the consequences. But before you do, contemplate and ask yourself why it happened. Was it really peer pressure, and a desire to gain membership in the ol' boys club? Are you sure you love her, or you fear the thought of have 'wasted' 6 years of your life? Tell her straight up and fasten your seat belt. No flowers, no drinks, no excuses, no bribes- just tell your girlfriend exactly what you have written here. Explain to her what you were going through emotionally at the time. In doing so, you will discover something about yourself. Yeah, she may leave, confront the girl, or leave you with a black eye. But it is her decision to make. Give her the option of resolving the relationship at HER convenience. Perhaps she will be willing to give couples counseling a try?, or a small break may cause the heart to grow fonder. Contrary to popular belief, couples do bounce back from cheating. Best of luck!
stace79 Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 1. Tell your girlfriend, because she will find out one way or another. If she hears it from anyone but you, you're definitely done. 2. Tell your girlfriend, because she deserves to know that the punk she's going to marry one day isn't man enough to stand up to peer pressure. 3. Tell your girlfriend, because you're still in contact with the woman you cheated on her with. 4. Tell your girlfriend, because she deserves someone who doesn't need to sleep with somebody else behind her back to realize how great she is. There are guys who would appreciate her and treat her right from the get-go. 5. Tell your girlfriend, because you're such a narcissist that you don't even truly feel sorry for it. You're just trying to get us to alleviate your guilt.
jnj express Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 The only reason you are still contacting the OW, is cuz you are scared she will blab to your GF If your GF hears you cheated from the OW, it will be a thousand times worse than if you tell her You need to do 2 things ---tell your GF, that you needed to spread your wild oats, and then hope for the best, and 2nd go NC with the OW, who you brought into your life, and are now stuck with No other explanations, or excuses are necessary---the above 2 things are what you need to do, and you hope like hell your GF still wants to be with you---after you grovel.
Author lostinspace1213 Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 thanks for responding.. i can see where everyone is coming from.. no, this was not a ticket to "the boys club", if it were, id be bragging to the boys...no one knows about this, because im not proud of it - in case you didn't get that part in my story. and of course i feel regret. the statement i made above said "i dont know if i FULLY regret it", meaning in the future. i know that sounds s****y, but its not as blunt as your taking it. I said it because i'm not an experienced cheater. i don't know if these problems just go away and you learn that you shouldn't regret it, that it was just something you needed. OF COURSE i regret it right now. i personally feel that i will regret it my whole life...the point of me writing here wasn't to unleash my guilt onto others, it was to see if anyone had a similar story or relation to what im feeling... sure it's easy to say "tell her". but i dont want to crush her. i've done enough behind her back. when i tell you 90% of males that I know, cheat or have cheated. its 90%...i was just always the outcast that didnt understand. but now i screwed up and im on the other side of the fence, except i dont enjoy it. theres no bragging rights, theres no cool stories..only hurt. im still in disbelief what i did, and it makes me sick and want to vomit when i talk about it right now...
stace79 Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 The problem still remains that I think if I were your girlfriend, I'd want to know and I'd want the option to stay with you or not. It's not really fair that you got to have sex with some other woman, and still get to be with your girlfriend because she sadly has no way of knowing that you're not trustworthy. Again, I think you need to stop talking to the OW immediately and completely -- as in no contact ever again. And two, you need to tell your girlfriend and ask if she can forgive you and give you another chance. You are having your cake and eating it, too.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 im still in disbelief what i did, and it makes me sick and want to vomit when i talk about it right now... Hey Lost, I've been right where you are, and at almost the same age. So I can look back at how torn up I felt 7 years ago and almost imagine how you feel. How much do you trust your GF? ... and don't bulls*** me, because I think that had more to do with why you did this than simply trying something new. My situation was a little different because I was married and I had some huge issues with the relationship. However, I came clean, and I don't regret that. It gave us a chance to fix the problems... I don't for a minute believe that your relationship is lacking problems. What do you argue about primarily? Do you live together?
jnj express Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Hey Lost---you have a serious problem that you are trying to excuse and hide----If and when you finally dump your OW, and you do need to do that---she is gonna do, who knows what---and react, who knows how---and she just very well may tell your GF, just to get back at you You are shaking in your boots every day now, cuz you are scared ****less she will tell----It will be a whole lot better if you tell your GF, than if the OW tells your GF. Man up, you cheated, now its time for you to act like a man and admit what you did---you certainly weren't afraid to disrespect your GF---now is the time to respect her, and let her know the full truth----and do not throw any BS, about what others do and don't do---this is all about you and no one else but you
tman666 Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 You need to nut up and confess. Tell her that you slept with another girl and that the guilt is making it impossible for you to be in the relationship. Tell her that you're sorry for hurting her and disrespecting her like this for so long. Come clean. She might decide to try and forgive you and learn to trust you again. Then you'll have a long, hard road ahead of both of you trying to rebuild trust in the relationship. She may never get over it. She may also sever all communication, never to be heard from again. Either way, you can't live with this hanging over your head forever. Your fear of her finding out will consume you and prevent you from opening your heart to her in the way that you should. Either way, there are some things that can be swept under the rug. This isn't one of them. If you really care about your girlfriend and not just your own sorry ass, you'll tell her.
that girl Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 the statement i made above said "i dont know if i FULLY regret it", meaning in the future. i know that sounds s****y, but its not as blunt as your taking it. I said it because i'm not an experienced cheater. i don't know if these problems just go away and you learn that you shouldn't regret it, that it was just something you needed. This is an excuse. You didn't need to cheat, you chose to cheat. sure it's easy to say "tell her". but i dont want to crush her. i've done enough behind her back. You are not doing her a favor by keeping this from her, you are protecting your own ass.
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