I dumped her, but did I have a choice? Is there hope?

[jsa100100]

This post (like most others) will be long so I'll try to make it as easy to read as possible.

 

Background:

We were together for over two years.

we met in school our third year, started off very serious...we've both been in many relationships but we started off wanting to "date for long-term" from the first moment. We had our own places but basically lived together for two years. We fought sometimes, but when I recall our biggest fights was always regarding her love of nightlife. We loved each other deeply, more than we loved any of our exes and invested and cared a whole lot for each other. Now she is in NYC doing more schooling, while I am in LA starting work. Long distance. That started about a month ago.

 

About her and her nightlife:

If she were to describe herself, it would be a "fun seeker." She loves having fun. Her life has been very easy. People (bfs) have always been there to take care of her. She is also a serial dater, aka, never been single for more than a month. She enjoys being social and loves going out. She also loves alcohol.

 

About me:

I would say I have trust issues. I had some painful experiences in the past and have a hard time trusting. At the same time, I feel that with her I had no doubt she was NOT cheating on me or fooling around with anyone. I know because I visited her for over a week, and then 4 days later I broke up with her.

 

The night before:

I did not appreciate her love of alcohol, nor the fact that she loses track of time constantly in the past. I would worry and stay up all night, waiting for her call me back. When I visited, I told her she has to stop this, at least for now, because me staying up for her is unhealthy, and although its partly my personality that keeps me up, I have a lot of time on my hands right now before I start work and it makes me act more unreasonably. I know she won't cheat on me, but I just want my gf to come home at a reasonable time and not put herself in situations where she's drunk with random guys that she barely knows who might take advantage of her. I told her we both have to work on this, so she agrees and we leave it at that.

 

The FIRST opportunity she has after I leave, after she goes out to dinner and drinks with her new friends whom I barely or dont know (and some of whom are single guys) She texts me after I call her saying that she'll be home early. This is at 1030pm. She doesn't call back until 3am. It was the final straw. I broke it off.

 

The breakup:

Her views on love are different from mine. She believes love should be easy, that two people come together naturally and it shouldn't be hard at all. I believe this is a result of her upbringing (which I explained above). On the other hand, I believe love should be more about sacrifice, working hard to accomplish a happy relationship together. I know it shouldn't be like climbing mt. everest, but at the same time, most relationships have crisis points and I believe that two people should stand together to work on it.

 

So when we came to her nightlife issue, she doesn't believe she should change, in her mind she's not doing anything wrong, and that I was being unreasonable in asking these things of her. She told me she just agreed to try to appease me, but can't really do it.

 

She said that in our relationship in general, she was always feeling paranoid or scared that she would disappoint me, and that made her unhappy and resentful. I didn't tell her this, but I don't think I'm an unappease-able person. If I want my gf to come at a certain time (like 1-2am) and she does it, im not going to ask her later to come home at 11pm. I.e. I know that if I take a mile when she offers an inch, she'll be unhappy. So why would I ever do that? I believed she was always paranoid because I would never see progress, so I constantly nagged and implored her to change, and although she would want to, she just didn't, so on and on the circle(of resentment) went.

 

So, keeping in tune with her personality, the moment I said lets break up, she gives up. No fight. Nothing. She's shocked and surprised, but she just accepts it immediately. I guess its been brewing in her that we are two different people, and even though we love each other tremendously, our views on love and other things make us resent and hurt each other.

 

So later after the initial conversation, I know we love each other so much, I felt that maybe I was a little rash and talked to her.

 

It was almost like if this didnt work, I would give up on love. What is the real power of love if we can't even get over something like this? She's almost 30 and admits this love of nightlife will phase out of her life in a few years when she's done with school and is married with kids.

 

The second conversation:

So we talked again, I said, why not maybe give this another try if we can both work at it? I'll try to be more trusting, and she can be more understanding as well. She believes that neither me nor her would change. She said she tried already, but when I point out that there was no fruit, and offer examples of how she's exactly the same person, she resorts to saying that love should be accepting, and that she shouldn't have to change. So how could I talk to her when she has such a circular argument?

 

Conclusion and questions:

So my conclusion is, is there hope now? Was I wrong? Or she? With long distance it makes everything so much harder, but should I keep a glimmer of hope or just move on? We still love each other very much, and she admits that she might never find anyone who loves me as much as I do. We end the convo saying that she doesn't think we're right for each other "right now."

 

I don't think I can take her back if I know she's dated someone else in the meantime, if we do try to get back together.

 

Thanks in advance for all the advice and comments.

Edited July 27, 2010 by jsa100100

[bunnixkisses]

This sounds like my current relationship...to a T. Minus the going out to the bars part. I am in your position. I believe the same things you do about love, my bf thinks the same as your girlfriend. I sacrifice all kinds of things, change my lifestyle, try to work on "myself" or things that make me and him fight..and he puts in no effort because he believes that if I don't like him for who he is, I can leave. Although, that's him be defensive. In your situation, you are not being unreasonable AT ALL. I am 23, and I almost completely quit going to the bars because of my bf. I used to go out all the time when I was single, and when I started dating him it slowed down a bit. However, he was very uncomfortable with me going out so I changed that..and honestly I'm glad I did. I feel more accomplished now that I'm not drunk all the time! Anywho, asking her to come home at 1 or 2? Really? That's NOTHING. If I do go out (on occasion) I'm back by 12....because I'm being polite, not because he asked. So she could sacrifice that for you. What worked for me is I put him in his place. I did break up with him and told him, hey this is not how it's going to be, if YOU want ME back...you need to listen. And he does (for the most part). The long distance is difficult. If she was in the same town as you, it would be more devasting for you to break up with her, and she would come running back. It sounds like the distance was getting to her and she needed to escape (to the bar scene). I think you did what was best. It's hard to deal with..but you're saving yourself a lot of heart ache. If she really loves you, she'll work for you. You will have the upper hand and be able to tell her exactly how you feel. Sounds like she's going to live her life, whether you're in it or not. So you should do the same.

[jsa100100]

This sounds like my current relationship...to a T. Minus the going out to the bars part. I am in your position. I believe the same things you do about love, my bf thinks the same as your girlfriend. I sacrifice all kinds of things, change my lifestyle, try to work on "myself" or things that make me and him fight..and he puts in no effort because he believes that if I don't like him for who he is, I can leave. Although, that's him be defensive. In your situation, you are not being unreasonable AT ALL. I am 23, and I almost completely quit going to the bars because of my bf. I used to go out all the time when I was single, and when I started dating him it slowed down a bit. However, he was very uncomfortable with me going out so I changed that..and honestly I'm glad I did. I feel more accomplished now that I'm not drunk all the time! Anywho, asking her to come home at 1 or 2? Really? That's NOTHING. If I do go out (on occasion) I'm back by 12....because I'm being polite, not because he asked. So she could sacrifice that for you. What worked for me is I put him in his place. I did break up with him and told him, hey this is not how it's going to be, if YOU want ME back...you need to listen. And he does (for the most part). The long distance is difficult. If she was in the same town as you, it would be more devasting for you to break up with her, and she would come running back. It sounds like the distance was getting to her and she needed to escape (to the bar scene). I think you did what was best. It's hard to deal with..but you're saving yourself a lot of heart ache. If she really loves you, she'll work for you. You will have the upper hand and be able to tell her exactly how you feel. Sounds like she's going to live her life, whether you're in it or not. So you should do the same.

 

thanks so much for your response reading it made me feel much better. I wish more people felt this way as well. Especially her! Its only been a day or so since NC but I'm getting better every minute. I hope everything is going well for you and your bf.

 

If anyone has any contrary opinions, please say so I appreciate all honesty I just want some insight into this whole situation.

[jsa100100]

If possible, can I please have some more feedback? I know its a long post but I could really use some more help. thank you.

[jsa100100]

Thank you so much for your response laidbackguy. Your insight seems really wise and thoughtful.

[oldfashiongirlie]

I know about long distance relationships, I'd been in one for almost 3 years.

Anyways, all relationships are not always easy, and it sure sounds like you two are coming from totally opposite sides of the spectrum.

Just ask yourself if you'd be willing to live with someone who is not as responsible as you are for the rest of your life?.

You should be willing to accept her free spirited nature if you want to get back together with her.

And let her be that person she is, with all her flaws, and if she changes, and wakes up one day without that need to party so much, then that's awesome for you, but if not, then would you still be happy and content?

[jsa100100]

Thanks so much for your responses, if anyone else would be kind enough to respond after taking the time to read the OP, I would appreciate any additional insight.

[spellcatcher]

JSA, I agree with what you say about relationships, and even though it is also true that people should accept each other for who they are and not try to change one another... your request is not in the least bit unreasonable.

 

I don't believe it is possible to have two people meet and fall in love and have everything - and i mean EVERYTHING- just fall into place. Even couples of 30+ years of marriage had arguments, and their differences of character or lifestyle. If you love someone enough, you should be willing to -COMPROMISE- to a reasonable extent. If one person compromises and the other expects to just be as they are... they don't care enough for the integrity of the relationship or their partner's happiness. That's my honest opinion.

 

The hardest part, I think, isn't finding a partner who is identical to you in habits and lifestyle, but who is similar enough to you in terms of their view on life/love to make an effort.

 

There was a joke about an elderly couple I loved. They were asked how they stayed together so long and remained happy with eachother. So the wife said "It's because I gave in 90% of the time" and the husband said "I, too, gave in 90% of the time"

 

... and THAT shouldn't be a burden... but a pleasure!

[jsa100100]

Thanks so much spellcatcher, I'm trying to be as objective as possible and I'm glad that everyone thinks similarly to myself.

 

The OP was as unbiased and objective as I could make it, so I wonder if there are others who feel differently?