harkkam Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 (edited) This is something that I came up with not too long ago and its helping me deal with the flashback of memories. What happens is that I may be driving or I may be in my room enjoying myself and then suddenly a memory that we shared together pops into my head and it brings all those feelings of loss and love and desire for them right to the fore-front and hits like a tidal wave of emotion. Im sure everyone knows what Im talking about. You could be eating and then something you eat reminds you of them or you could be reading and a memory of you two sitting in a Barnes and Nobles together pops up and just sucks you back into feeling horrible and lonely. Its like reminding you "hey I am pain and I want you to feel me and suffer because you cant have your woman anymore" But lately I have been trying to figure out why my ex broke up with me and after I had pinpointed the mistakes that I had made in the relationship and was able to tell myself, "okay you did this and this wrong" I moved a bit further and explored some more into the logic behind what had all happened. My big realization was that those memories that you had together were SHARED and created in your mind and in her mind. For the most part they remember just as much as you do and remember doing things together with you. However its their feelings toward these memories that is the difference between the two of you. When you look back you see wonderful memories and proof that this relationship was special and that there is something to work for and fight for. Memories are all the PROOF we have that the relationship we were in is worth fighting for and worth changing for. So many people who are dumped are willing to change and listen to our ex's and work on what is missing and make things better because we FEEL that the relationship is worth it, on a large part based on our memories and the feelings they generate inside us. Now our ex's who have the same memories inside them, took a long hard look at everything and despite the greatness and happiness of those memories decided to pull the trigger anyway. They were not able to look into the past and see that those memories you had together is proof that this relationship had some very good times and that you two were very happy and that the happiness is in fact possible again. The past is proof that the relationship can be a happy one and that the dumper if they valued those memories would realize that "wow we had some great times, I want to work this out and lets see if he/ she can turn it around" Most of the time that doesnt happen, I know that had I been in my ex's shoes I would have said "i am unhappy but we had some great moments worth fighting for and I am going to tell her to get her act together and take some time apart and see what happens in the future" I believe that getting back together is not the right thing to do when one person is unhappy however giving the person space to work on their issues and saying "Lets work on ourselves and we can date other people in the mean time as well but four months from now we shall go on a date and see how it feels" However I came to realize that the memories that you two created together didnt mean as much to the dumper. They didnt feel like it was proof enough to give you another chance with time apart. So when you have some memory of the two of you together realize that to your ex that memory doesnt mean as much as it does to you. Everytime I have a memory I remind myself "Well that day in the park on the beach together at night, in my car, none of it mattered to her right now, its meaningless to her" I realize that if a person cannot see the value of your relationship by only focusing on the negative and ignoring all the positive moments. Then this person is going to not give you a chance to work on it because they dont feel like its worth it. Its like taking a used beat up car to a repair shop and the bill comes out to be more than what the car is worth. To our ex they reached a point of unhappiness and they looked back and realized that this relationship was no longer worth working for. For them to reach that conclusion they thought about everything you had and all your memories and from that they decided "okay this person has this fault and this fault and I am not going to bother to stick around and help them through it and try to make this relationship work" Next time you have a memory realize that they didnt value that memory as much as you did. They didnt think all the good times you had together was worth staying for and fixing whatever the problem may have been in your situation. So now when I have a memory instead of being "Oh that was so wonderful and that was such a perfect day together...etc" I say "That was a wonderful perfect day, and I know she had lots of fun that day, however she doesnt value that anymore and she doesnt care about that moment which is why she doesnt want to fight for us" That helps put things in perspective and remind me that those good memories are only good to one person, good enough to only me Edited July 27, 2010 by harkkam
welikeincrowds Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 I liked the core idea of your post -- that your perceptions and your memories are both yours, I find that to be a powerful and significant concept -- but ultimately I don't agree with you because of your views on the "dumper." I once had to leave someone I was in love with because she was mentally unstable and not good for me. I am now on NC with an old friend I had feelings for and an amorous relationship with because I didn't agree with our dynamics and felt that because of irreconcilable differences in our character and values our friendship/relationship/whatever-it-was was doomed to be always tumultuous and never quite positive. Both decisions were difficult to make only because I valued those memories so much, and wished for them to be how it was 100% of the time. I'm not sure of the circumstances of your relationship and why things didn't work out for you; it could very well be that your ex did not fully appreciate what you gave her. But even though it may seem like deciding your ex is a piece of **** that never valued you makes the break-up easier, I actually find the opposite to be true. It's much more freeing to know, for me, that the dumper had just as difficult a time deciding -- and therefore that nothing about our time spent together was disingenuous. It's the difference between feeling taken advantage of or having your trust and ego broken, and simply mourning a loss.
smk Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Firstly let me start off by saying this is a great post – and despite a lot of relapses at the end of July there has been some insightful stuff that has come up these past few days. I think the relapses have something to do with the fact that its summer and no one really likes being alone in the summer (I broke at the beginning of the summer and hey that just sucked – pretty much brought a dark cloud that has slowly started clearing now). What happens is that I may be driving or I may be in my room enjoying myself and then suddenly a memory that we shared together pops into my head and it brings all those feelings of loss and love and desire for them right to the fore-front and hits like a tidal wave of emotion. Im sure everyone knows what Im talking about. You could be eating and then something you eat reminds you of them or you could be reading and a memory of you two sitting in a Barnes and Nobles together pops up and just sucks you back into feeling horrible and lonely. Its like reminding you "hey I am pain and I want you to feel me and suffer because you cant have your woman anymore" I am getting a little better at dealing with this now after my therapist gave me some great tools do deal with it – basically you close your eyes and picture the memory, one step by step, you play around with it, play around with the clarity, the colour, the focus, the size, the location and finally at the end you move it behind you. That has been working for me. I remember that first time I went to the shopping centre near her house (we had some great memories there because we would go there a lot for dinner, movies, etc… and I cried simply because it reminded me of her so much – heck for the first month I couldn’t even go into a starbucks), but over the last 2 weeks I have playing with this trick and it seems to work most times… But lately I have been trying to figure out why my ex broke up with me and after I had pinpointed the mistakes that I had made in the relationship and was able to tell myself, "okay you did this and this wrong" I moved a bit further and explored some more into the logic behind what had all happened. In my opinion, the first step to “letting go / moving forward” is to actually stop analysing why it ended, because from what I have heard of my own experience and from a lot of other peoples experiences here on NC chances are there is a lot more behind the scenes that led up to the break then what we were told. I know in my case it was predominantly her dad being racist, but looking back I realised that both me and her had a lot of abandonment and CP issues, I was working towards conquering them, and initially it seemed that so was she, but in the end she started pushing me away the closer we got. I am not saying that I was perfect I made mistakes too, but I was taking a step to rectify them as they happened or as I felt those negative thoughts approaching I would change focus and look at the positives of being with her. However its their feelings toward these memories that is the difference between the two of you. When you look back you see wonderful memories and proof that this relationship was special and that there is something to work for and fight for. Memories are all the PROOF we have that the relationship we were in is worth fighting for and worth changing for. Going back to my statement above I think that they start planning the break up subconsciously and their mind starts disassociating all the happy times with those memories and just leaves them as normal memories with no distinction between being a special moment and just another day. Where as because the break up happens so suddenly for us, we seem to hold on to the good times for a lot longer. In my case, I seemed to hold on to the good times purely because I am so afraid of being alone that it was my support network, and instead of helping me get better it seems to have made me feel worse. I think of happy times, which then brings me a temporary relief until I realise we are no longer together, which then leads to me sinking even deeper into despair which leads me to wanting to break NC – it’s a vicious cycle I tell you. So many people who are dumped are willing to change and listen to our ex's and work on what is missing and make things better because we FEEL that the relationship is worth it, on a large part based on our memories and the feelings they generate inside us. Now our ex's who have the same memories inside them, took a long hard look at everything and despite the greatness and happiness of those memories decided to pull the trigger anyway. They were not able to look into the past and see that those memories you had together is proof that this relationship had some very good times and that you two were very happy and that the happiness is in fact possible again. The past is proof that the relationship can be a happy one and that the dumper if they valued those memories would realize that "wow we had some great times, I want to work this out and lets see if he/ she can turn it around" Most of the time that doesnt happen, I know that had I been in my ex's shoes I would have said "i am unhappy but we had some great moments worth fighting for and I am going to tell her to get her act together and take some time apart and see what happens in the future" Again it just goes to strengthen my theory (and a lot of other peoples on LS) that by the time of the actual break they have completely removed themselves from the picture emotionally. They may still care and feel something very small yet not something strong enough to make them want to fight for it. However I came to realize that the memories that you two created together didn’t mean as much to the dumper. They didn’t feel like it was proof enough to give you another chance with time apart. So when you have some memory of the two of you together realize that to your ex that memory doesn’t mean as much as it does to you. I have spent a life time trying to analyse and figure out relationships not by being in them by being watching and learning from other people in them (I was always too scared of getting hurt so I never took the plunge myself, and when I finally did look where it got me – LOL), and I often realised that by the time the dumper actually does the breaking up they have distanced themselves so far away emotionally to feel the same as we do about that good time. Your post is great and extremely insightful however the only part that I don’t fully agree with is that they don’t value the memory or value the time spent together. Unless he/she was a lying sack of cheating s**t who had no emotions whatsoever, breaks are just as hard on both sides (I can only imagine), and to some extent we all have happy thoughts, yet sometimes we have to accept that our lives are no longer compatible with each other, or we have other circumstances which lead us to make the choices we make, and by the point that they have made those choices they have distanced themselves. I mean I don’t know what she is up to, or how she has been coping, or how she is dealing with it, and frankly as much as I want to know I know and now accept that it no longer concerns me because she made her choice and that choice didn’t include me in her life any longer, yet I also know that she is human, and she has emotions, emotions that she once expressed to me, and just the same way if we bumped into them we may keep a strong face to show them that we are fine without them (and then burst out into tears and hit the bottle as soon as they are out of sight) they may be doing the same thing, its just that we don’t know. As crappy as it is, unfortunately bad things will happen, our hearts will be broken, and sometimes they may realise that they made a mistake, and they may come back and it may work out or it may not, and sometimes we may become friends with them, or sometimes we may never see them again, but I believe that just like us they suffered, however because we weren’t there to see it, we don’t believe it, or maybe they didn’t, who knows, but in all honesty will it really change the fact the you are no longer together, will it make things ok, will it change the past? No it wont – all we can simply do is pick up the pieces of our lives and move forward with them, and hope that someday, somewhere along the line we meet someone who will fight for us, who will spend the rest of their lives with us, and you know what at some point I would like my ex to genuinely find the happiness that she deserves – with or without me. PS – sorry for the long post and thank you for reading.
Double D Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 A top post. For me it would matter if I knew my ex suffered as bad as me after our break-up, guess it be a clear way of knowing that WE meant something together and her crying, not sleeping etc would be proof that I would need but in the long run you simply dont know. Ar the end of the day you can only deal with your issues and feelings. Preception a very key word.
mannpho Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Great post about memories. Thats all I have. She was never fully committed I know that now. The relationship was almost always a problem. Here is a brief rundown. We met on a dating site and from the start she seemed happy. I waited over 2 months to ask her to get off the site since she would always be on it, no go on her part. Months of issues with the site. I tried to stop checking but couldn't resist. It was almost the NC starting back then. Fast forward to April we come back from a weekend together, Sunday night shes on it. I call her Monday night and ask her son to wake her. I was so F...k pissed. Her son afterwards told her how wrong this was. July in Canada 1 week vacation. Not great too many things to say that were wrong, from myself and lack of attention to her selfishness. Here are am July, she broke up with me. She now tells me she wasn't sure of this relationship from April. Why did she go away and then brake up? The point to my rant is people are crap, she was. I still love her I just woke up knowing Ill never see her and speak to her. I love her so much is amazing. Thats all I have is memories of her good, bad or indifferent. The nightmare is her with another man having sex, kissing, cuddling. I cant seem to get that deamon out of the memory bank. Please any advise to help cope.
LoveTruthChaos Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Unless he/she was a lying sack of cheating s**t who had no emotions whatsoever, breaks are just as hard on both sides (I can only imagine). I think that's what makes this so hard on me. He WAS a lying, cheating sack of s.h.i.t, and threw me away like I meant nothing. Had nothing nice to say. Obviously regretted the whole time he was with me. I think I could get over all of this so much easier if he had just said some nice words when he was ending it, instead of being completely silent and making me feel like I never meant a damn thing...
mannpho Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 I think that's what makes this so hard on me. He WAS a lying, cheating sack of s.h.i.t, and threw me away like I meant nothing. Had nothing nice to say. Obviously regretted the whole time he was with me. I think I could get over all of this so much easier if he had just said some nice words when he was ending it, instead of being completely silent and making me feel like I never meant a damn thing... I feel the same way. I could have written the above for myself. They cant be nice to us when they have so many issues within themselves. Relationships do have problems but when 2 people are in the same place things can be worked out. Why is it the ones that are in love truly in love are the ones that are devastated. They walk away without any idea the damage that has been brought on. They are cowards, they are selfish, self centered. My ex I truly believe was a socia path all she cared was about herself and nothing else. I was in denial that she probably wasn't in love with me but put up with all her temper tantrums, her mood swings, her excuses for not texing back. Here I am trying to put me back together while she is so happy. I usually dont wish things on people but I wish she gets hurt mentally by someone she falls for and that she experiences the depths of hell Im in. All this because i was a nice and caring person and that I put myself behind her. Screw you bitch, you will have your day in this place we all are in on LS.
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