Was a MOW, now a OW waiting on MM

[OpheliaUnbound]

Sigh. I don't really know where to turn. My relationship with a MM began a year ago, while my marriage was in the process of unraveling. I am now divorced... and the promises I was given of a "happily ever after" by my MM now seem frustratingly out of reach. He supposedly hates his wife and his marriage is over, but every time I ask about why he hasn't filed for divorce yet, he trots out the same line about having two lawyers working on the custody and money issues. His son is almost 3... he's a good father and there is no way he is going to lose custody or visitation IMHO... and there isn't *that* much money to lose or split... maybe 300-400 grand.. counting the house. I feel like he might be giving me the run around...

 

The problem is... I truly believe he does love me... we've known each other our whole lives, lost contact after HS, and only in the past year has it deepened into a romantic connection... And I truly do love him... but I feel as if maybe he's just stringing me along because he doesn't want to go through the messiness of the divorce... We spend all day talking and texting to each other and I try to see him once a week... but I'm starting to feel like i'm being played...

 

The problem is... as it always is... I am so in love with him... It brings me to tears to think of a life without him... but god, I don't want to be a puppy dog under the table waiting for scraps of affection... I want him as mine.

 

I told him that I couldn't handle another Thanksgiving with him with his wife and her family and he said that he didn't think that would be the case that he "hoped" he would be out by then...

 

So. What do you think? Do I shut up and wait for November? Do I leave now? Do I give an ultimatum with an earlier date?

 

Need advice. And please don't scold me for being the OW and how I brought this on myself. Trust me... I feel bad.

[TOWinNYC]

Ophelia - welcome to LS. Sorry you had to find us under these circumstances. You'll find a lot of good advice here as well as some posters who aren't as.....helpful. Take what works for you and forget the rest.

 

I have some questions - you say that your M was unraveling but what was the state of his? You say you love him and can't imagine life without him (which I completely understand) but can you also imagine the possibility of things continuing as is?

 

Everyone has a different threshold in a triangle situation. Can you hang in there till November? Do you even want to? Has he made ANY changes, has there been ANY progess to the trajectory of your R with him? What are you willing to do if things aren't the way you want in November? In my opinion, these are all things to think about before you can even give an ultimatum.

 

I guarantee someone will post that you should go NC (no contact) because they think that's the ONLY solution to an A (ie. to end it) but don't do it until YOU are ready for it. It's YOUR LIFE and YOU are living it. You have to make decisions and choices based on what's right for you.

[bentnotbroken]

Sigh. I don't really know where to turn. My relationship with a MM began a year ago, while my marriage was in the process of unraveling. I am now divorced... and the promises I was given of a "happily ever after" by my MM now seem frustratingly out of reach. He supposedly hates his wife and his marriage is over, but every time I ask about why he hasn't filed for divorce yet, he trots out the same line about having two lawyers working on the custody and money issues. His son is almost 3... he's a good father and there is no way he is going to lose custody or visitation IMHO... and there isn't *that* much money to lose or split... maybe 300-400 grand.. counting the house. I feel like he might be giving me the run around...

 

The problem is... I truly believe he does love me... we've known each other our whole lives, lost contact after HS, and only in the past year has it deepened into a romantic connection... And I truly do love him... but I feel as if maybe he's just stringing me along because he doesn't want to go through the messiness of the divorce... We spend all day talking and texting to each other and I try to see him once a week... but I'm starting to feel like i'm being played...

 

The problem is... as it always is... I am so in love with him... It brings me to tears to think of a life without him... but god, I don't want to be a puppy dog under the table waiting for scraps of affection... I want him as mine.

 

I told him that I couldn't handle another Thanksgiving with him with his wife and her family and he said that he didn't think that would be the case that he "hoped" he would be out by then...

 

So. What do you think? Do I shut up and wait for November? Do I leave now? Do I give an ultimatum with an earlier date?

 

Need advice. And please don't scold me for being the OW and how I brought this on myself. Trust me... I feel bad.

 

 

Food you can't live without, water, shelter....but a man who starting hanging with you when he had a 2 year old at home and he doesn't love his wife, you can live without. You can't imagine your life without him...imagine yourself at home with a 2 year old and your husband is telling OW that he doesn't love and he has 2 lawyers working on screwing you over. Just a little something that might help you consider loving yourself a little more and respecting the boundaries of marriage and family.

[califnan]

Honey, You can live without him ..

 

If you don't get him .. you will go on with a better life..

 

I think an OW is an OW whether she marries the MM .. or not ..

Edited July 27, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LucreziaBorgia]

He may love you, but he may love his status quo more. You can give an ultimatum, but be fully prepared to walk away if he lets you.

[Confused4Now]

I just hope you left your marriage and this was a exit affair...as this sounds like my situation only difference I was the guy who left my marriage and my xMW is still in hers....notice I said xMW. I left my marriage 2 1/2 years ago and my divorce went final 13 months ago. So this year I pretty much ended it with LC. Bottom line is you have to see actions...are you the hidden person still? Does his wife know about you? Don't listen to his excuses he's got a million as to why he's not done anything.....I feel for you...it was a hard long road for me...but the fog has lifted.

 

YOU need to focus on you not him...let him deal with his situation without you there. Oh and btw....I said the same thing in '06 about the holidays so guess what.....the next 3 were no different even when her H knew about us. She still had the holidays with her H. So think hard and long....live your life that is the best thing you can show them. Good Luck

[OpheliaUnbound]

I appreciate everyone's responses from whichever end of the spectrum they are on. First and foremost, I NEVER said I couldn't live without him. Of course, I could. I could live without many people in my life quite easily.

 

I said imagining my life without him in it brings me to tears. It does. I enjoy his company... The things that made me fall in love with him are also the things that drew us together in friendship at the beginning.

 

I would like to dispel the notion that his wife is home raising their 2 year old oblivious to the situation. MM is a devoted, stay-at-home dad and she is working outside of the house. Often times she does not come home. She is certainly not oblivious to his affair, since she has been informed by a third party multiple times.

 

I guess I am willing to wait until November to begin a real relationship with him. But that would be the limit to what I can stand. And because I would expect a public relationship by that time, he would have to be filing for divorce by the beginning of September at the latest... So I would know pretty soon if he was planning on keeping up his end of the deal.

 

I realize everyone thinks their affair is "different"... but I truly believe that the connection between us is special. I wouldn't be putting myself through this if I didn't. This is atypical behavior for me. I am not a little girl that is suffering from low self-esteem... I am a grown woman in love with my friend that is married.

[bentnotbroken]

I appreciate everyone's responses from whichever end of the spectrum they are on. First and foremost, I NEVER said I couldn't live without him. Of course, I could. I could live without many people in my life quite easily.

 

I said imagining my life without him in it brings me to tears. It does. I enjoy his company... The things that made me fall in love with him are also the things that drew us together in friendship at the beginning.

 

I would like to dispel the notion that his wife is home raising their 2 year old oblivious to the situation. MM is a devoted, stay-at-home dad and she is working outside of the house. Often times she does not come home. She is certainly not oblivious to his affair, since she has been informed by a third party multiple times.

 

I guess I am willing to wait until November to begin a real relationship with him. But that would be the limit to what I can stand. And because I would expect a public relationship by that time, he would have to be filing for divorce by the beginning of September at the latest... So I would know pretty soon if he was planning on keeping up his end of the deal.

 

I realize everyone thinks their affair is "different"... but I truly believe that the connection between us is special. I wouldn't be putting myself through this if I didn't. This is atypical behavior for me. I am not a little girl that is suffering from low self-esteem... I am a grown woman in love with my friend that is married.

 

 

Then you have chosen your path, sadly it is the way most relationships that begin as A's go. There are those who end up with their MP, but.....

[Woman In Blue]

I would like to dispel the notion that his wife is home raising their 2 year old oblivious to the situation. MM is a devoted, stay-at-home dad and she is working outside of the house. Often times she does not come home. She is certainly not oblivious to his affair, since she has been informed by a third party multiple times.

Where's he going to GO with no job? Is he hoping his wife will still support him when he supposedly leaves her for you?

 

I guess since he prefers to play Mr. Mom rather than build a career and be financially independent like most men, he's going to be home letting her support him for a long time to come. Unless...he wants you to support him once he leaves?

 

Let's face it. The guy doesn't have a job so he's not exactly able to move mountains where you're concerned. Where is all this magic income going to come from when he gets his own place in November?

[Mimolicious]

I appreciate everyone's responses from whichever end of the spectrum they are on. First and foremost, I NEVER said I couldn't live without him. Of course, I could. I could live without many people in my life quite easily.

 

I said imagining my life without him in it brings me to tears. It does. I enjoy his company... The things that made me fall in love with him are also the things that drew us together in friendship at the beginning.

 

I would like to dispel the notion that his wife is home raising their 2 year old oblivious to the situation. MM is a devoted, stay-at-home dad and she is working outside of the house. Often times she does not come home. She is certainly not oblivious to his affair, since she has been informed by a third party multiple times.

 

I guess I am willing to wait until November to begin a real relationship with him. But that would be the limit to what I can stand. And because I would expect a public relationship by that time, he would have to be filing for divorce by the beginning of September at the latest... So I would know pretty soon if he was planning on keeping up his end of the deal.

 

I realize everyone thinks their affair is "different"... but I truly believe that the connection between us is special. I wouldn't be putting myself through this if I didn't. This is atypical behavior for me. I am not a little girl that is suffering from low self-esteem... I am a grown woman in love with my friend that is married.

 

 

welcome Ophelia!

 

I guess you can wait till November, it is around the corner. What do you have to lose? 4 months? I dont think that by November you'll be able to "begin" a real relationship with him. When November comes at least you can see things for what they are and say "I tried" and move on or if you're lucky he'll in fact will make a move.

 

Baffles me how this guy has a breadwinner wife yet he has the audacity to say that he hates her. Does he hate her a little less on the 1st of the month? If his wife in fact knows that he is having an A, why would she keep him around? Ask yourself this. 2 Lawyers working on the divorce- who is paying for them? His wife?

 

FYI- unless his wife is able to prove that he is an unfit father, who has abused his child, has a drug addiction, etc... I don't see the law not awarding shared custody. Look up your their state custody laws if you don't believe me. Those excuses sounds a bit bogus. Maybe what he is trying to say is that if he divorces his wife he will need to fend for himself.

Lord knows, he may be entitled to alimony while he is at. Unreal!

 

Again, wait till November and see what happens then.

Edited July 27, 2010 by Mimolicious

[Confused4Now]

Wait till November? OMG been there done that...I can tell you exactly what's going to happen. He'll tell you the holidays are here and that he thinks you should wait till the first of the year and begin the process. I mean why ruin everyone's holiday's? I can assure you he will having a nice Thanksgiving dinner with his family and spending Christmas with his W and where will you be?

 

Why are you setting yourself up for the obvious? START living your life now....tell him to look you up after he's done. UGH

[bentnotbroken]

Where's he going to GO with no job? Is he hoping his wife will still support him when he supposedly leaves her for you?

 

I guess since he prefers to play Mr. Mom rather than build a career and be financially independent like most men, he's going to be home letting her support him for a long time to come. Unless...he wants you to support him once he leaves?

 

Let's face it. The guy doesn't have a job so he's not exactly able to move mountains where you're concerned. Where is all this magic income going to come from when he gets his own place in November?

 

 

While I agree that she is in a mess and he is a cheater. I do take issue with saying he doesn't have a job. Just like women who's job it is to take care of the family and the home, it is a 24/7 job(granted he has found time to conduct an affair so he isn't committed to this job fully). There is no pay, benefits, deductions, vacations or sick leave. So if it is job for women who choose it, it's got to be a job for men who choose it. There can be no double standard in that. I know several men who have chosen this position because the wife's income was sufficient and they both agreed. They do an excellent job of it. And if their wife chooses to cheat I would expect them to file for alimony and physical custody. But a cheating stay at home parent....well. Rant over...sorry.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Let's put aside for a moment the idea of "if he loves me he will leave" thing. There are definitely some practical matters to think about:

 

Divorce ain't cheap - I'm going through one myself and the 'do it yourself' route rarely if ever works and most lawyers want their money up front in full to do a divorce, even an amicable uncontested one like ours.

 

Who is going to pay for filing the divorce papers?

Who is going to pay the lawyer?

She will likely get custody because of her income and insurance - who will pay his child support?

 

Do you think she is going to foot the bill for the privilege of losing her full time house help and babysitter to you? If he does manage to get out and come with you are you going to pay his bills for him? I seriously doubt his wife will foot the bill and simply let him walk away like that. She might say "fine, there's the door" but I suspect she would make him pay dearly for that.

 

He is a full time Dad and apparently happy with that. What do you have to offer that would be worth demoting himself down a part time Dad who will be faced with financial struggle?

 

Unless you are Mrs. Moneybags and he is guaranteed full custody, I don't think he will leave to be with you. I think you'll find that he will push back the date continuously because in a case like this, it is just emotionally and financially easier for him to stay. Besides, she already knows about you and apparently doesn't care enough to divorce him over it.

 

I agree that the November thing is ridiculous. Do you really think he will choose the holiday season to bust up his family? Do you really think his wife will let him?

[Dexter Morgan]

And please don't scold me for being the OW and how I brought this on myself. Trust me... I feel bad.

 

 

ok then, prove it. get rid of this cheating ahole and get out and start dating. Find a man unattached.

 

If you feel bad as the OW, then don't be the woman he is cheating on his wife with. Hell, if you feel bad, tell his wife that she has a cheater for a H, then tell her its over and you are sorry.

 

Then move on. There is no reason to feel grief over a cheating, lying jerk. (ya ya, I know you probably don't think he is a jerk, but you are being blinded)

 

There are men out there for you. This guy isn't a man.

[cavedweller]

bound,

 

This guy has no job?

 

If you cut him off he will dump you in a flash.

 

He is lying to you..He is only in it for the sex..

[fooled once]

Sigh. I don't really know where to turn. My relationship with a MM began a year ago, while my marriage was in the process of unraveling. I am now divorced... and the promises I was given of a "happily ever after" by my MM now seem frustratingly out of reach. He supposedly hates his wife and his marriage is over, but every time I ask about why he hasn't filed for divorce yet, he trots out the same line about having two lawyers working on the custody and money issues. His son is almost 3... he's a good father and there is no way he is going to lose custody or visitation IMHO... and there isn't *that* much money to lose or split... maybe 300-400 grand.. counting the house. I feel like he might be giving me the run around...

 

The problem is... I truly believe he does love me... we've known each other our whole lives, lost contact after HS, and only in the past year has it deepened into a romantic connection... And I truly do love him... but I feel as if maybe he's just stringing me along because he doesn't want to go through the messiness of the divorce... We spend all day talking and texting to each other and I try to see him once a week... but I'm starting to feel like i'm being played...

 

The problem is... as it always is... I am so in love with him... It brings me to tears to think of a life without him... but god, I don't want to be a puppy dog under the table waiting for scraps of affection... I want him as mine.

 

I told him that I couldn't handle another Thanksgiving with him with his wife and her family and he said that he didn't think that would be the case that he "hoped" he would be out by then...

 

So. What do you think? Do I shut up and wait for November? Do I leave now? Do I give an ultimatum with an earlier date?

 

Need advice. And please don't scold me for being the OW and how I brought this on myself. Trust me... I feel bad.

 

I don't see him leaving....and I don't see him getting full custody. E/O/W visitation or week on/week off (and he would have to stay nearby to do that).

 

I appreciate everyone's responses from whichever end of the spectrum they are on. First and foremost, I NEVER said I couldn't live without him. Of course, I could. I could live without many people in my life quite easily.

 

I said imagining my life without him in it brings me to tears. It does. I enjoy his company... The things that made me fall in love with him are also the things that drew us together in friendship at the beginning.

 

I would like to dispel the notion that his wife is home raising their 2 year old oblivious to the situation. MM is a devoted, stay-at-home dad and she is working outside of the house. Often times she does not come home. She is certainly not oblivious to his affair, since she has been informed by a third party multiple times.

 

I guess I am willing to wait until November to begin a real relationship with him. But that would be the limit to what I can stand. And because I would expect a public relationship by that time, he would have to be filing for divorce by the beginning of September at the latest... So I would know pretty soon if he was planning on keeping up his end of the deal.

 

I realize everyone thinks their affair is "different"... but I truly believe that the connection between us is special. I wouldn't be putting myself through this if I didn't. This is atypical behavior for me. I am not a little girl that is suffering from low self-esteem... I am a grown woman in love with my friend that is married.

 

Yeah, we all think we have something different, something special. what we have/had are guys who lie and cheat; we have unfaithful and disrespectful men. He bad mouths his wife, who puts a roof over their heads, food on the table and money in his pocket. He has a wife who supports him, which is unusual (not saying it is bad) since men normally like to be the ones providing for the family.

 

I doubt he is going to leave during the holidays .... why would he do that to his child/children? Seriously, think about it.

 

Why do you think his wife knows? Did he tell you she knows? Has she personally called you? You do know you can't believe everything out of his mouth, right? He lies to the woman he made vows with, he betrays her with you.

 

I really have a hard time with hearing how these cheaters are such "good dads" yet you also state he is on the phone with you all day and texting you all the time -- so what is his child doing when you are on the phone with him all day? Is he giving his child his full attention?

 

You claim his wife doesn't come home after work? Maybe she travels for work? Again, does this information come from him? Please do not buy everything he says as gospel.

 

Let's put aside for a moment the idea of "if he loves me he will leave" thing. There are definitely some practical matters to think about:

 

Divorce ain't cheap - I'm going through one myself and the 'do it yourself' route rarely if ever works and most lawyers want their money up front in full to do a divorce, even an amicable uncontested one like ours.

 

Who is going to pay for filing the divorce papers?

Who is going to pay the lawyer?

She will likely get custody because of her income and insurance - who will pay his child support?

 

Do you think she is going to foot the bill for the privilege of losing her full time house help and babysitter to you? If he does manage to get out and come with you are you going to pay his bills for him? I seriously doubt his wife will foot the bill and simply let him walk away like that. She might say "fine, there's the door" but I suspect she would make him pay dearly for that.

 

He is a full time Dad and apparently happy with that. What do you have to offer that would be worth demoting himself down a part time Dad who will be faced with financial struggle?

 

Unless you are Mrs. Moneybags and he is guaranteed full custody, I don't think he will leave to be with you. I think you'll find that he will push back the date continuously because in a case like this, it is just emotionally and financially easier for him to stay. Besides, she already knows about you and apparently doesn't care enough to divorce him over it.

 

I agree that the November thing is ridiculous. Do you really think he will choose the holiday season to bust up his family? Do you really think his wife will let him?

 

Excellent post.

 

How is he going to support his son after the divorce? Does he plan to get a job or is he expecting you to support him and his child (by paying his child support)?

[Mimolicious]

Wait till November? OMG been there done that...I can tell you exactly what's going to happen. He'll tell you the holidays are here and that he thinks you should wait till the first of the year and begin the process. I mean why ruin everyone's holiday's? I can assure you he will having a nice Thanksgiving dinner with his family and spending Christmas with his W and where will you be?

 

Why are you setting yourself up for the obvious? START living your life now....tell him to look you up after he's done. UGH

 

 

I totally agree but you know... people want to hear what they want to hear. She is in love and truly believes him. I said wait till Nov because she makes it sound like this is her deadline. Once Nov comes and nothing changes, hopefully she can wake up, smell the coffee and move on with her life.