to much to process

[traci65]

i never thought i would be here.but yeap my husband has been having an affair,& i just found out.to say the least i am so tore up inside.i've been with him 12yrs.married 10.he is in the military.he has a high rank which also comes with so much stress.after his 2nd tour to iraq i noticed he had changed.he was so mean to me with such verbal abuse that i begged him to get help.he refused.mind you he never has ever spoke to me in this manner till then.we had a fairytale marriage.i would do anything to please him becuz he is the first man who i can say is the love of my life.so when he began to change i also started to shut down my feelings from his hurtful words.but our sex life was still intense.i went so far to try & understand what he was dealing with in his head i went to see a therapist.but i still couldn't reach him.he completly shut out everyone.once he came home from work he would either play on his play station or be online.he would not involve himself in any family activies or go out with friends.we have no children.i am alot older then him.so i am very grounded,i trusted him 100%.i've never went thru his personal things nor asked him questions about his ex's.thats his past.i'm his future.well in 2007 he had to go to oklahoma for a military training for a month.he called me everyday.so i thought all was ok.but i noticed once he came home he went into his office & was crying like a baby.when i asked is anything wrong does he want to talk about it he told me ..no..he was just upset about some things on his mind.then he told me he wanted to be alone.well from there he got worse,he completly shut me out.he stopped being supported,and the verbal abuse got so bad that i told him i was going to leave.his reply was..there's the door..so i started sleeping on the couch.avoiding him at all cost.but i still did my wife duties no matter what.becuz i love him.i knew he was in trouble.well he got orders for korea this january.he confused me at the airport becuz he started crying & holding me so tight i couldn't breathe.i assured him i will be here when he gets back.once in korea,he called me everyday.but i noticed by april the lenght of the calls were no longer then 5 mins.in may was when i started to get scared,i noticed alot of money missing from our bank.but i didnt question him.i know now i should have,in june my world came to a complete stop.he spent almost 4,000 in 2 weeks.he stopped calling.oh yeah i also didnt have a number to reach him.he told me he had to call me by using a calling card.which now i know is a lie.i woke up on june 29th and had this aweful gut feeling that he was doing some bad stuff.so i hacked his email account for the first time in 12yrs.wow..did i get the blow to the stomach.i found emails from a lady he had been chatting too since he was in iraq.and when he went to oklahoma she flew there for 4 dys to be with him at a motel.and also he had a filipine juicy girl in korea.if you know what they are they are bar prostitutes.well he was taking her to a motel too in korea for sex.he even had a facebook account just for him & the juicy girl.when i confronted him after i emailed him,he finally called me.he still denied any affair.even with the pix & emails.so i gave him 2 choices-we could either get divorce or we stay married & live apart but go our seperate ways.so our finances wont get tore up.he refused both.he told me there is no way he will let me go no matter what.that he will get help to save this marriage.and he will end both affairs.well both women didnt take kindly to this.the chick in korea threw a fit.emailing me with hateful words.i ignored it.but the lady from online who flew to oklahoma 3 yrs ago for sex with him well she is callinh me now non stop and emailing me personal items between them.i dont know what to do or believe .becuz my hubby told me if he wanted to leave he would of done it yrs ago after oklahoma.he just had sex with her that once.and the lady told me that was true also.but i still feel he has feelings for her.becuz she told me she is in deep love with him.she even got his name tattooed on her.she called me again today crying to me how she is having a hard time not hearing his voice.i was kind to her,and reminded her he was a married man.and i was so sorry for his actions.but i am hurting also & in shock..i need time to heal as well.i now have all his passwords & etc.i saw where she sent him a email today.i just deleted it.i guess i am wondering if anyone has been in my shoes with the other woman is losing it bad after a break up.and any advise for me on how to deal with this aweful truth would be grateful.i'm so lost right now.i feel as if i lost a family member to death..this is some hurt no words can describe.im trying so hard to stay strong.my hubby now accepts blame & keeps telling me this is not my fault.he did this on his own.and it was just sex.no feelings.i just dont believe that..thank you so much for any help..god bless...

[oldfashiongirlie]

I've never been married, but my Mom and Dad got a divorce cause I found out he'd been cheating for a long time.

It is a very personal decision, in my Mom's case she decided to get a divorce cause once trust is broken, rebuilding can take so long, and even then, it will never be the same.

It is so crazy you have to deal with those women too, If I were you I would change the phone number.

But if you're going to turn into your husbands personal detective/email assistant, that is not a good marriage.

Be ready to forget he did all of those hurtfull actions, otherwise you will live in a neverending hell, were you'll constantly be reminded of what he did.

Good luck making the choice that is right for you.

[spriggig]

I never thought I would be here. But yep, my husband has been having an affair, and I just found out. to say the least I am so tore up inside. I've been with him 12 years, married 10. He is in the military, and has a high rank which also comes with so much stress. After his 2nd tour to Iraq, I noticed he had changed--he was so mean to me with such verbal abuse that I begged him to get help. He refused. Mind you, he never has ever spoke to me in this manner till then.

 

 

We had a fairytale marriage. I would do anything to please him because he is the first man who I can say is the love of my life. So when he began to change I also started to shut down my feelings from his hurtful words. But, our sex life was still intense. I went so far to try to understand what he was dealing with in his head I went to see a therapist. But I still couldn't reach him. He completely shut out everyone. Once he came home from work he would either play on his play station or be online. he would not involve himself in any family activities or go out with friends.

 

 

We have no children. I am a lot older then him, so I am very grounded. I trusted him 100%, I've never went thru his personal things nor asked him questions about his ex's. That's his past. I'm his future. Well, in 2007 he had to go to Oklahoma for a military training for a month. He called me everyday, so I thought all was OK. But, I noticed once he came home he went into his office and was crying like a baby. When I asked “Is anything wrong, do you want to talk about it?”, he told me, “No, I'm just upset about some things on my mind.” Then he told me he wanted to be alone.

 

 

Well from there he got worse, he completely shut me out. He stopped being supportive, and the verbal abuse got so bad that I told him I was going to leave. His reply was “There's the door.” So I started sleeping on the couch, avoiding him at all cost. But, I still did my wife duties no matter what, because I love him. I knew he was in trouble. Well, he got orders for Korea this January. He confused me at the airport because he started crying and holding me so tight I couldn't breathe. I assured him I will be here when he gets back. Once in Korea, he called me everyday. But, I noticed by April the length of the calls were no longer then five minutes. In may was when I started to get scared, I noticed a lot of money missing from our bank, but I didn't question him. I know now I should have.

 

 

In June, my world came to a complete stop. He spent almost 4,000 in two weeks. He stopped calling. Oh yeah, I also didn't have a number to reach him. He told me he had to call me by using a calling card. which now I know is a lie. I woke up on June 29th and had this awful gut feeling that he was doing some bad stuff, so I hacked his email account for the first time in 12 years. Wow! Did I get the blow to the stomach. I found emails from a lady he had been chatting to since he was in Iraq. And when he went to Oklahoma, she flew there for four days to be with him at a motel. And also, he had a Filipino juicy girl in Korea. If you know what they are they are bar prostitutes. Well, he was taking her to a motel too in Korea for sex. He even had a Facebook account just for him & the juicy girl.

 

 

When I confronted him after I emailed him, he finally called me. We still denied any affair, even with the pictures and emails. So I gave him two choices--we could either get divorced, or we stay married and live apart, but go our separate ways, so our finances wouldn't get torn up. He refused both. He told me there is no way he will let me go no matter what. That he will get help to save this marriage, and he will end both affairs. Well, both women didn't take kindly to this. The chick in Korea threw a fit, emailing me with hateful words. I ignored it. But, the lady from online who flew to Oklahoma three years ago for sex with him--well she is calling me now non-stop and emailing me personal items between them. I don't know what to do or believe because my hubby told me if he wanted to leave he would of done it years ago after Oklahoma. He just had sex with her that once, and the lady told me that was true also. but I still feel he has feelings for her because she told me she is deeply in love with him. She even got his name tattooed on her.

 

 

She called me again today crying to me how she is having a hard time not hearing his voice. I was kind to her, and reminded her he was a married man and said I was so sorry for his actions. but I am hurting also and in shock. I need time to heal as well. I now have all his passwords & etc. I saw where she sent him an email today. I just deleted it. I guess I am wondering if anyone has been in my shoes with the other woman is losing it bad after a break up. And any advice for me on how to deal with this awful truth would be grateful. I'm so lost right now. I feel as if I lost a family member to death. This is some hurt no words can describe. I'm trying so hard to stay strong. My hubby now accepts blame and keeps telling me this is not my fault, he did this on his own, and it was just sex. No feelings. I just don't believe that. . thank you so much for any help. . god bless. . .

[scatterd]

I am so sorry what a horrible pain.He needs to get counseling and has to do no contact starting now.He thought he would have a little on the side but it did not go the way he planned.He lied even when you caught him that concerns me.You need to figure out what is best for you and do not let it make you sick.Go see a counselor and concentrate on your self.Some people can make it work but also some cant because of the memories and pain.This is the hard part deciding if you can handle it.I would go to an attorney just to find out where you stand.Make sure you go get tested for STD I am so sorry for you this will take some time but you will be OK.Do you have any friends or family you can talk to?Oh and welcome to LS so many here will give you plenty of support allot of us have been hurt also so you should get plenty of responses.Big Hugs and hang in there you will make it through this.

[seren]

I never thought I would be here. But yep, my husband has been having an affair, and I just found out. to say the least I am so tore up inside. I've been with him 12 years, married 10. He is in the military, and has a high rank which also comes with so much stress. After his 2nd tour to Iraq, I noticed he had changed--he was so mean to me with such verbal abuse that I begged him to get help. He refused. Mind you, he never has ever spoke to me in this manner till then.

 

 

We had a fairytale marriage. I would do anything to please him because he is the first man who I can say is the love of my life. So when he began to change I also started to shut down my feelings from his hurtful words. But, our sex life was still intense. I went so far to try to understand what he was dealing with in his head I went to see a therapist. But I still couldn't reach him. He completely shut out everyone. Once he came home from work he would either play on his play station or be online. he would not involve himself in any family activities or go out with friends.

 

 

We have no children. I am a lot older then him, so I am very grounded. I trusted him 100%, I've never went thru his personal things nor asked him questions about his ex's. That's his past. I'm his future. Well, in 2007 he had to go to Oklahoma for a military training for a month. He called me everyday, so I thought all was OK. But, I noticed once he came home he went into his office and was crying like a baby. When I asked “Is anything wrong, do you want to talk about it?”, he told me, “No, I'm just upset about some things on my mind.” Then he told me he wanted to be alone.

 

 

Well from there he got worse, he completely shut me out. He stopped being supportive, and the verbal abuse got so bad that I told him I was going to leave. His reply was “There's the door.” So I started sleeping on the couch, avoiding him at all cost. But, I still did my wife duties no matter what, because I love him. I knew he was in trouble. Well, he got orders for Korea this January. He confused me at the airport because he started crying and holding me so tight I couldn't breathe. I assured him I will be here when he gets back. Once in Korea, he called me everyday. But, I noticed by April the length of the calls were no longer then five minutes. In may was when I started to get scared, I noticed a lot of money missing from our bank, but I didn't question him. I know now I should have.

 

 

In June, my world came to a complete stop. He spent almost 4,000 in two weeks. He stopped calling. Oh yeah, I also didn't have a number to reach him. He told me he had to call me by using a calling card. which now I know is a lie. I woke up on June 29th and had this awful gut feeling that he was doing some bad stuff, so I hacked his email account for the first time in 12 years. Wow! Did I get the blow to the stomach. I found emails from a lady he had been chatting to since he was in Iraq. And when he went to Oklahoma, she flew there for four days to be with him at a motel. And also, he had a Filipino juicy girl in Korea. If you know what they are they are bar prostitutes. Well, he was taking her to a motel too in Korea for sex. He even had a Facebook account just for him & the juicy girl.

 

 

When I confronted him after I emailed him, he finally called me. We still denied any affair, even with the pictures and emails. So I gave him two choices--we could either get divorced, or we stay married and live apart, but go our separate ways, so our finances wouldn't get torn up. He refused both. He told me there is no way he will let me go no matter what. That he will get help to save this marriage, and he will end both affairs. Well, both women didn't take kindly to this. The chick in Korea threw a fit, emailing me with hateful words. I ignored it. But, the lady from online who flew to Oklahoma three years ago for sex with him--well she is calling me now non-stop and emailing me personal items between them. I don't know what to do or believe because my hubby told me if he wanted to leave he would of done it years ago after Oklahoma. He just had sex with her that once, and the lady told me that was true also. but I still feel he has feelings for her because she told me she is deeply in love with him. She even got his name tattooed on her.

 

 

She called me again today crying to me how she is having a hard time not hearing his voice. I was kind to her, and reminded her he was a married man and said I was so sorry for his actions. but I am hurting also and in shock. I need time to heal as well. I now have all his passwords & etc. I saw where she sent him an email today. I just deleted it. I guess I am wondering if anyone has been in my shoes with the other woman is losing it bad after a break up. And any advice for me on how to deal with this awful truth would be grateful. I'm so lost right now. I feel as if I lost a family member to death. This is some hurt no words can describe. I'm trying so hard to stay strong. My hubby now accepts blame and keeps telling me this is not my fault, he did this on his own, and it was just sex. No feelings. I just don't believe that. . thank you so much for any help. . god bless. . .

 

 

Traci, I am using Sprigig's post as yours is hard to read with no spacing.

 

Yes, I can relate to what you have posted, my H had an A after 2 very bad Iraq tours and yes, like yours, he was a different man during that time, so much so I didn't recognise him as my H. The pushing me away, the indifference etc, all that. I thought I was going mad with all the lies and gaslighting.

 

When H told me he had been having an A I was floored, absolutely never saw it coming. Once I knew it all made sense, I had 2 choices, leave and start again or rebuild our marriage with him. He had 2 choices, NC with OW and rebuild our marriage or leave. We both chose to rebuild our marriage, that was almost 3 years ago, 2 of those such hard work, but here we are, together, happy. While it hasn't been easy, it was worth it.

 

People who aren't in this situation may not understand that the stress involved with active duty does affect the person, I have spoken to other miltary families and this scenario is oh so common. To make it work, H must look at what it was that helped him to have an A. You both must look at your M, and to reconcile, you both must be honest and open.

 

There is support for combat PTSD within the military, but if he is anything like my H, would run a mile from discussing his personal life with anyone in the military. H has been in for a long time, some 27 years or so, we have been together for 26 of those, so we have had our share of conflicts, Iraq, NI, Bosnia, Afgahan, yet Iraq was the worse times. H is due to go to Afghan in November, but we both know that we are now rock solid (!!) and he has opened up and talks more about his problems. trouble is, a lot of them see discussing personal stuff as weakness, they often become someone they don't like. An A can often provide them with the means to be the person they would like to be with their BS, they can reinvent themsleves, even for a short time, but it is called compartmentalising, basically - I don't like feeling like this, I know I am being an absolute a*** to my partner, I hate doing this, I have problems I do not want to face, I am letting my family down, I hate me. The A is a new thing they can be who they want to be or they can have an opportunity to discuss how they are feeling because they dont feel they have to put on a front. Well, that's how it is in most cases.

 

It can work, really it can, it is hard work, the memories fade, but will always be a part of your marriage, but it needn't define it. Any letters, emails etc from OW, burn them, delete them, believe me you don't need them. H needs to sit down, with you and let OW know that it is over and then no more contact. I know it is hard, but OW is hurting and while you may not feel anything other than hate toward her now, her role in your M is over. OW must look for her own support, it is not your place to provide this, but to end properly she has to know for her to move on too.

 

If H is away, you both need to wait until he is home to work this out. Time, it takes time, it is hard, but if you both still love each other and if you think you can repair your marriage, it can work.

[jmargel]

Traci..

 

Sorry you are going through this, maybe I could give you some advice. As I read your post the first thing I thought of all of this was that you need to take a step back here and look at the bigger picture. The real issue believe it or not is not the cheating or the way he has been treating you. The main issue is himself, his personality, his attitude, his treatment towards others.

 

You can play detective and try to keep him from other women as much as possible but eventually he's going to do what he wants to do. You don't cure an alcoholic by keeping booze away. An alcoholic gets cured by admitting they have a problem and doing something about it, while leaning on support from others.

 

He's not willing to do that, so no matter what he does or says in the meantime it's not going to work. He might plead, beg or try to pull your heart strings but the reality of it is, is that he has not hit rock bottom.

 

It does not matter what he has faced in the military or abroad. You deserve to be treated with love and respect and when he disses his vows then it's upto you whether you want to move on without him.

 

What you should do is stop tolerating the behavior. Just yelling at him is not going to do it. He has to want to change for himself, so unless he comes to you and tells you this, stop tolerating this garbage and have him move out. Start doing things for yourself, start setting short term goals for yourself, build confidence within as well.

 

You are not the reason why he has done these things (sorry but there could be others he's cheated on you with as well, you only know what you have found out). Don't put your own self-worth into the awful things he has done.

 

Yes, I know as a wife you want to help him, but the reality of it all is that you can't. He has to want to help himself.

 

I learned alot of this sort of thing when my wife was doing the same thing to me.

 

PS. Traci.. I just read your other thread. Please get checked for STDs.. and find a lawyer. This guy has major personality problems and cannot be trusted. He has cheated close to half of your marriage. Good chance there is even more out there than you know right now.

Edited July 30, 2010 by jmargel