Letter to an ex: to send or not to send?

[antistar]

Hi all,

 

My boyfriend broke up with me a couple of months ago, primarily due to my insecurities and lack of trust. As you'll find out below, these stem from me having moved to a new city, etc. We did the long distance thing for the first three months of our relationship, but things started to fall apart when I finally moved.

 

Please read and let me know if there are changes to made...or if I should even bother to send the letter at all:

 

 

I've been wanting to write to you for quite some time now, but wanted to make sure that I was in the right head-and-heart space.

 

First and foremost, I'm truly sorry - for not giving us the time and space we needed in order to grow - for not opening up my heart and not trusting - for not giving us the chance to just be.

 

My erratic behaviour was completely out of line and uncalled for. I've done a great deal of self-reflection and have had plenty of revelations over the past couple of months. One of which was that I was still really homesick and felt alone in this new city. As much as I wanted to suppress my feelings of homesickness, I just wasn't able to. And truth be told, I became really dependent on us because I didn't have anyone else to lean on and seek support from. As a result, my fear of losing you as my sole support system in this new city became overwhelming and led me to feeling insecure/vulnerable.

 

I've also come to terms with the root of my insecurities which is definitely a personal battle that I know will take time to resolve. I've realized that I tend to push people away or think that there's an ulterior motive when people are nice to me or do nice things for me - that I'm not worthy of good things happening to me. This was the most difficult revelation to accept because I've always thought that I was happy, confident and attracted positive energy because I am a positive person. And I am - but I preach more than practice - definitely working on this.

 

I'm not trying to offer a laundry-list of excuses for my juvenile behaviour, but sharing a first-hand insight as to why I behaved that way in the first place.

 

In essence, my over-dependency and insecurities led me to sabotage what would have other been a great connection. Needless to say, I am very humbled by this experience and have learned a great deal. I've always learned the hard way and this is no exception. I'm truly sorry for putting so much pressure on you to try to go beyond the emotional/mental/physical means to accommodate me. I've realized that I can't depend on someone else for my own happiness and that my feelings are my responsibility.

 

It has been a challenging couple of months, but at the same time, I have been motivated to meet new people (beach volleyball, friends of friends, work colleagues, etc.) and take up new hobbies (hot yoga, reading, exploring the city). I'm feeling less lonely and more complete - less sad and more happy - less rushed and more patient - less focused on what will happen tomorrow and more connected to what is right now. I'm discovering and living the new chapter of my life here.

 

So what's the purpose of all of this verbiage? I think of you. I miss you. I miss us.

 

I'm in this new world of feeling more in one with myself and more complete - it would be a blessing to have you be a part of it. Despite these personal changes, my feelings for you have not changed at all. I know that your faith in me has been shaken and I know that it will take time to rebuild it. But I also know that there is still that great potential between us.

 

I'm leaving this with you and hope that, at the very least, you accept my sincere apologies. At the same token, I will respect whatever decision you make.

[ngo_ng]

I am loving it, I think that you should really have some time to sit down and talk over the phone with him in order to truly express your feelings. In the same token, I think that you are very sincere in your letter and that you have realized the insecurities that have made your relationship fail. I hope everything works out. Let us know of any development on your second chance.

[Treasa]

Honey, don't send it.

 

I wrote an almost identical letter several times to my ex when he broke up with me over insecurities.

 

It's taken some time to realize that there was a reason I was insecure and needy and whatnot around him. He wasn't right for me.

 

Strong, independent, non-clingy people don't write letters like that and send them to their exes. They don't do it because they don't feel like they have to prove themselves or what they've "changed" to anyone else.

 

It's good that you wrote it. Now, don't send it. If he left you, it's because you weren't right for each other, or because he wasn't man enough to stick with you through the difficult times.

 

Focus on you. Let it go. Definitely do not send this. Do not contact him. You want to show him strength and independence? No contact is how you do it. And THEN if he misses you, HE'LL be the one to come back.

 

Stop trying to prove how you've changed. Just stop it. You shouldn't feel the need to change for anyone but yourself, and you certainly don't have to tell other people how you're becoming a better person.

 

F him.

 

Don't send it.

[Thorgs]

Strong, independent, non-clingy people don't write letters like that and send them to their exes. They don't do it because they don't feel like they have to prove themselves or what they've "changed" to anyone else.

That's a bit harsh. My ex and I had a clean break, no fighting or yelling, maybe because it was over the phone. The break sucked on my end, not sure about hers since we haven't talked for nearly 3 weeks. Anyways, I wrote her a letter a couple days ago, not to tell her I've changed, but to tell her goodbye, but in nice words. So I feel your assessment of people who send letters is wrong.

[ngo_ng]

True, but if both people play the waiting game and no one steps forward you'll just end up regretting it. I'm not saying there isn't someone else better elsewhere but I think you have nothing to lose. If you both love each other, have a crack at it. If all fails, then just move on to someone and something new. But it is true that you must focus on you and not convince the other person that you have changed for him.

[Treasa]

He dumped you. If anyone needs to do the stepping forward, it's him.

 

If he doesn't try, he doesn't want to be with you. He dumped YOU, remember? He basically said, "I don't want you in my life anymore."

 

Do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Do you want to send an apology letter to someone who disappointed and hurt you? Do you really want to be a martyr in order to get this person back?

 

If he loves you, he can go ahead and man up and contact you. In the meantime, move on with your life without him.

 

This is coming from someone whose ex broke up with her six times, got him back five times (so I'm very persistent and I know the things to say, obviously, to get someone back), and on the sixth time, finally said, "F*** it, I don't want this person if he's going to leave me."

 

And now I'm happier than I was when I was with him.

[antistar]

True, but if both people play the waiting game and no one steps forward you'll just end up regretting it. I'm not saying there isn't someone else better elsewhere but I think you have nothing to lose. If you both love each other, have a crack at it. If all fails, then just move on to someone and something new. But it is true that you must focus on you and not convince the other person that you have changed for him.

 

 

This is exactly what I'm battling with right now. It's all a game of risk, involving ego and pride.

 

I do understand that my ex was the one who broke things off. He would've approached me by now if he really did have second thoughts about the break-up. Then again, like my friend said, sometimes it only takes that one person to trigger that chance of getting back together.

 

The thing with me is that I waited until I was certain that I wasn't just missing the concept of a relationship...or the concept of what could have been...or the concept of correcting the wrongs that happened. I miss us and I know that we have great potential to better each other's lives.

 

*shrugs* I'm so back and forth with this.

[Ingenue]

I have to agree with Treasa on this one. Don't send the letter. He has made his decision. He broke up with you, for whatever reason, valid or not, he broke up with you. It's fabulous that you're bettering yourself and improving yourself and you should be doing all of those things for you. You can't be in a healthy relationship with any person, if you're not whole yourself.

 

This isn't about ego or pride or being stubborn and seeing who makes the first move. There is no move to be made. When he was dating you, he probably already knew about the areas you needed to work on. He chose not to stay. He chose not to engage you in a dialogue about those issues in an understandably emotionally stressful time. You were in a new city, a complete change of environment. Everything was strange, new, scary. Don't you want a partner who will support you for who you are, insecurities and all?

 

With my last ex, he was one of the most stubborn men around. I moved on with my life and 6 months after he dumped me, I got a call from him, without trigger. He complained about his current relationship, told me he still missed me and wondered whether any of the guys I was seeing was for keeps. At the three month mark, I was missing the concept of "us" as well. At 6 months, I realized that him dumping me was one of the best things he could have done for me. We weren't right for each other. There was no us. I wrote a letter just like you did. I never sent it. Instead, I ripped it up and threw it away. It was cathartic.

 

If you do have to send the letter, at least sit on it for a week or two to think about it. Ultimately only you can decide whether sending the letter is beneficial to your own development. Ask yourself this, if you send it and there is no response at all or not the response you want, will you be okay with that? If your answer is yes, then maybe you could send it. But if the answer is no, think about how you'll feel with no response and whether you want to go through processing all of those emotions again.

[cavedweller]

antistar,

 

He dumped you..Don't send the letter...Tear it up and move on..

[antistar]

I have to agree with Treasa on this one. Don't send the letter. He has made his decision. He broke up with you, for whatever reason, valid or not, he broke up with you. It's fabulous that you're bettering yourself and improving yourself and you should be doing all of those things for you. You can't be in a healthy relationship with any person, if you're not whole yourself.

 

This isn't about ego or pride or being stubborn and seeing who makes the first move. There is no move to be made. When he was dating you, he probably already knew about the areas you needed to work on. He chose not to stay. He chose not to engage you in a dialogue about those issues in an understandably emotionally stressful time. You were in a new city, a complete change of environment. Everything was strange, new, scary. Don't you want a partner who will support you for who you are, insecurities and all?

 

With my last ex, he was one of the most stubborn men around. I moved on with my life and 6 months after he dumped me, I got a call from him, without trigger. He complained about his current relationship, told me he still missed me and wondered whether any of the guys I was seeing was for keeps. At the three month mark, I was missing the concept of "us" as well. At 6 months, I realized that him dumping me was one of the best things he could have done for me. We weren't right for each other. There was no us. I wrote a letter just like you did. I never sent it. Instead, I ripped it up and threw it away. It was cathartic.

 

If you do have to send the letter, at least sit on it for a week or two to think about it. Ultimately only you can decide whether sending the letter is beneficial to your own development. Ask yourself this, if you send it and there is no response at all or not the response you want, will you be okay with that? If your answer is yes, then maybe you could send it. But if the answer is no, think about how you'll feel with no response and whether you want to go through processing all of those emotions again.

 

 

Thank you so much for this!

 

Obviously, there are so many more layers to what happened than what is portrayed in my letter. The guy had been nothing but accommodating and integrated me into his life by introducing me to his friends, sister, etc.

 

Things turned for the worse when I snooped on him by looking at his text messages. Again, this was fuelled by me being insecure and scared that I would eventually lose him and therefore, I would be all alone in this new city. I knew it was wrong and we did talk about it - but it was definitely a serious breach of trust. I constantly needed assurance and was, overall...dare I say, a nutcase. Looking back on it, I was definitely out of my usual element.

 

Having said this, I don't know if I should re-open this case for both of us. At the same time, I will never know how he feels if I don't try. At the same time, I don't want to jeopardize the chance of being just friends, as we do have mutual friends and I don't want things to be awkward when we both have to be invited to social events.

 

There are just so many things to consider. You're right about sitting on this letter for another week or two. I just...I don't know where to start the thinking process.

[boltsfan17]

I disagree with everyone who says don't send it. I don't understand why the majority of advice on these forums is just to forget about things and move on. I don't think that's a bad thing, but this specific forum is about second chances & reconciliation. If you love and care about this person, doing nothing won't get you anywhere. This person isn't just going to magically walk back into your life. I'm sure it's happened to people before, but for the most part through my experience and others I know, you need to break the ice to have a chance of getting back together if that's what you want. There is nothing wrong with sending a letter to him, especially since it's been 2 months. Let him know how you feel and I don't see the harm in telling him you've been working on your insecurities. If you do send the letter, don't get your hopes up. If you can accept the fact you may not hear back from him without getting upset and reliving more pain, then by all means send it. If nothing comes of sending the letter, at least you've discovered the root of your insecurities, which is nothing but a learning experience. You can take this experience into a new relationship.

 

I was in a similar situation with my current girlfriend. She ended our relationship. During the several months we were apart, I worked on myself to correct the issues that caused the breakup for not only myself, but also in hopes of getting back together. The only way I was able to get back together was after I sent her flowers and mailed her a letter. That broke the ice and we started talking again. We eventually got back together a short time after and things have been great ever since. Had I not done anything, we probably wouldn't be together today.

[Ingenue]

Thank you so much for this!

 

Obviously, there are so many more layers to what happened than what is portrayed in my letter. The guy had been nothing but accommodating and integrated me into his life by introducing me to his friends, sister, etc.

 

Things turned for the worse when I snooped on him by looking at his text messages. Again, this was fuelled by me being insecure and scared that I would eventually lose him and therefore, I would be all alone in this new city. I knew it was wrong and we did talk about it - but it was definitely a serious breach of trust. I constantly needed assurance and was, overall...dare I say, a nutcase. Looking back on it, I was definitely out of my usual element.

 

Having said this, I don't know if I should re-open this case for both of us. At the same time, I will never know how he feels if I don't try. At the same time, I don't want to jeopardize the chance of being just friends, as we do have mutual friends and I don't want things to be awkward when we both have to be invited to social events.

 

There are just so many things to consider. You're right about sitting on this letter for another week or two. I just...I don't know where to start the thinking process.

 

Antistar, whatever you decide good luck. As I said in my previous post, only you can decide whether sending the letter is emotionally good for you. You've waited a few months already, there's certainly nothing wrong with taking a bit more time to think about what you want to do with that letter.

Weigh the pros and cons of possible scenarios and how comfortable you are with them.

 

1. You send the letter, he responds positively: You've taken a risk, told him what you want to do, how you've bettered yourself and maybe the two of you can work towards a future. At the very least you've opened the channels for dialogue

 

2. You send the letter, you get no response: Will you get angry all over again? Sad all over again? Will this cause you to take giant steps backwards in your healing? Or will no response give you a sense of "closure"? Sometimes we have to take steps backwards in order to take larger steps forwards.

 

3. You don't send the letter: Will you end up wondering all the time? Will writing it be a type of cathartic event itself? Will that be a type of closure for you?

 

There are a number of different scenarios in-between those I've suggested. Only you can gauge what's right for you to do. Whatever you choose and whatever outcome is generated from it, know that it was the decision you made based on all the knowledge you had at the time. You might not make that decision again, but it is one that only you can choose to do. Most of us give advice based on our experiences. At the end of the day, you should do what you feel is right.