secretlady76 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I have not posted for a while but I need your support probably now more than at any other time. Some of you know my story.... I am a MW who had a very brief EA with a MM. You know, same old story; had this amazing emotional connection, could speak to eachother for hours, we were soulmates, the normal blah blah blah.....In the end, despite being very tempted he had to make it clear that he wasn't prepared to lose it all (wife/kids etc) over what we had. He did passionately kiss me on the day he told me it had to stop, which lets just say confused thing totally as up until then it had been purely an EA. Anyway, in the end his wife found evidence that we had been in secret personal contact and once she found out he told me definitely he did not want it to continue. We still had to see eachother on a weekly basis through things we could not avoid and although the communication we had when we saw eachother was purely platonic/hello goodbye relationship, well, for me it kept it going. I also contacted him via email and text since he had told me it had to stop, but he didn't respond to any of my communication (I know he wouldn't but hey, we've all been there, we think this time it'll be different hey?). But, you know, whilst I still saw him, it was good enough for me (sad I know). Well, the reason that we still had to see eachother came to an end last week and I knew this was coming. I had prepared that this was the moment that I was to say goodbye to him and this for me was closure. Well it didn't quite go according to plan as on the day I was going to see him for the last time, he turned up with his wife (which he never normally does), which made it totally impossible for us to speak. It was horrendous. I stood there feeling like a total idiot, wishing I too had brought my significant other, not being able to say goodbye to the person that I wanted to say goodbye to, not even being able to look at eachother. Eventually they left and I left. They went one way and I went the other and that was that. I was crushed! Ok, so would I feel any better if we had actually said goodbye to eachother?, well, probably not, but I feel I am going through the whole grieving process again, the same as I did when he told me it was over a few months ago. I know this is it, I am not going to see him again and I know, like last time I will feel better eventually, but a this present moment in time, I didn't know I could feel quite this bereft over someone I never really had. It just wasn't how it was meant to end, although I can't think of a better ending. Maybe it's the fear of being forgotten about. Maybe he has already forgotten. Having said all this, I do feel so much more positive about my marriage than I have in a long time and maybe that is because I know in my heart that this other 'thing' really is over (it was months ago but I had convinced myself that whilst we were still seeing each other it wasn't). I know I will be alright, that I will learn from it, that I will become stronger. I just need to get over this nasty bit where you'd do anything for another moment with the other person, even though they probably don't feel the same way!!! Thanks for letting me vent!!!
Owl Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Odds are that the ending wouldn't have been satisfactory or 'closure', no matter how it went. Endings are just painful...no way around it. Good that you're looking ahead. I'm curious...what are you doing to focus on your marriage after all of this?
ladydesigner Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Odds are that the ending wouldn't have been satisfactory or 'closure', no matter how it went. Endings are just painful...no way around it. Good that you're looking ahead. I'm curious...what are you doing to focus on your marriage after all of this? This is so true. I got closure, heard "I'm sorry" over and over from my XOM and it still wasn't enough. As time has passed...a LOT of time...I have found my own closure and acceptance. I have even accepted that he has forgotten me, and you know what? I am okay. You will be too. Hang in there!
jj33 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Secret Im sure he has not forgotten. If you felt that way I am sure he did too. I dont know what it is about these situations but somehow the end is not as clear cut as it is in other relationships. Its the gift that keeps on giving:rolleyes: To this day I still sometimes wonder about things or find myself looking back and not quite being able to believe things didnt end differently. But it gets easier and the thouhts come much less often over time
Just a stone's throw Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Hey SL, I haven't posted in awhile either but wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and I know first hand that it's the way he makes you feel about yourself that really is what you may be missing. It's time to find out what it is with your H that can make you feel that way. Sounds like you're on your way to discovering what that is. Good luck to you and I'm sending hugs your way!! JAST
lolalove Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Hey SL, I haven't posted in awhile either but wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and I know first hand that it's the way he makes you feel about yourself that really is what you may be missing. It's time to find out what it is with your H that can make you feel that way. Sounds like you're on your way to discovering what that is. Good luck to you and I'm sending hugs your way!! JAST This is so true, SL. Focus on your H and all the things you cherish about him. It will get easier. I'm so sorry you're feeling down. Hugs from me too.
kis Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 This is so true, SL. Focus on your H and all the things you cherish about him. It will get easier. I'm so sorry you're feeling down. Hugs from me too. Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Was wondering how long the EA lasted and did your husband ever know.
Author secretlady76 Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 The EA lasted only weeks, pathetic I know....just moved very quickly. As for the marriage, well I have got out of 'the zone' I was in when the EA was happening so this has enabled me to be much more responsive to my H, to spend more time with him and to talk to him more. This is a joint effort as he wasn't talikg much either and that might have been some of the problem. Once I stop pining for the MM then I can completely move on. I am gaining control of that part too. My husband and I are more of a team than we were that's for sure. I am not looking at FB anymore as over the weekend, and this upset me considerably, MM uploaded pictures of himself that he knew I found very attractive (because I had told him), photos that he removed months ago when the wife found out about the EA. I see that as game playing, unless of course I'm simply paranoid...
joey66 Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Hi SL, Just want you to know that I'm thinking about you. And also this - he will not forget you. I'm not suggesting that it isn't really over. (Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. These things have a way of coming back at you over time.) But I know for certain that he won't forget. No way, no how, won't happen. Not today, not tomorrow, NOT EVER! Take care, Joey
Author secretlady76 Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 Hi SL, Just want you to know that I'm thinking about you. And also this - he will not forget you. I'm not suggesting that it isn't really over. (Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. These things have a way of coming back at you over time.) But I know for certain that he won't forget. No way, no how, won't happen. Not today, not tomorrow, NOT EVER! Take care, Joey Awwww Joey, thanks for the support, man, where have you been? thought you'd dropped off the earth (or was it the moon?). You haven't been around! How's it with you? Hope it's all ok. i hope you not being on here much means that you are moving forward, doing better?? You take care SL
Mimolicious Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 The EA lasted only weeks, pathetic I know....just moved very quickly. As for the marriage, well I have got out of 'the zone' I was in when the EA was happening so this has enabled me to be much more responsive to my H, to spend more time with him and to talk to him more. This is a joint effort as he wasn't talikg much either and that might have been some of the problem. Once I stop pining for the MM then I can completely move on. I am gaining control of that part too. My husband and I are more of a team than we were that's for sure. I am not looking at FB anymore as over the weekend, and this upset me considerably, MM uploaded pictures of himself that he knew I found very attractive (because I had told him), photos that he removed months ago when the wife found out about the EA. I see that as game playing, unless of course I'm simply paranoid... Sorry you are feeling this way. Does your H knows that you cheated on him? Game playing? I call that moving on and living his life. You should try the same and not waste your energy looking for things that are going to get you all worked up. You are sabotaging yourself if you do.
Author secretlady76 Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 Sorry you are feeling this way. Does your H knows that you cheated on him? No and he isn't going to either Game playing? I call that moving on and living his life. You should try the same and not waste your energy looking for things that are going to get you all worked up. You are sabotaging yourself if you do. Good point. Agree with this. Thanks.
joey66 Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Awwww Joey, thanks for the support, man, where have you been? thought you'd dropped off the earth (or was it the moon?). You haven't been around! How's it with you? Hope it's all ok. i hope you not being on here much means that you are moving forward, doing better?? You take care SL Thanks SL. I'm still here, somewhere on the moon. I am moving forward, one step at a time. I agree with the bit about not telling your H. There may come a point when you have the overwhelming desire to confess. Don't do it. No good can come from it. I not saying lie if he questions you. Just don't volunteer information. Why start trouble?
Hazyhead Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Hi SL. Hope you're doing okay. This thing about xMM leaving, I think it's great. Reason is, you now have your life back completely... no dreggs of him left. The pain will ease and he'll soon be an occasional memory. You're freeeee! I have to say that I would hate to be one of those people that still have to work with their xAP... hate it. I honestly don't know how they do it. I have NO association with xMM, and I love it that way. Now, with the progress I've made I would hate to come across him somehow because it might set me back. I'll always care for him... but he's in my past, not to be dragged forward. Now - you can really work on your marriage and figure out what's truly best for you without him clouding (even a tiny bit) your judgement.
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