Raiatea Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 In the heat of an argument, DH said that we should get a divorce. We are newly married, been together several years and are about to buy a home together. Is this something I should chalk up to inflamed tempers or do you think this is something more serious? He said he was sorry and that he behaves like a jerk sometimes, but I can’t get his words out of my mind. The topic of the argument was nothing serious and was actually quite silly. I am just concerned about my marriage if at this early date I am threatened with divorce! Any advice?
lonelyandfrustrated Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 In the heat of an argument, DH said that we should get a divorce. We are newly married, been together several years and are about to buy a home together. Is this something I should chalk up to inflamed tempers or do you think this is something more serious? He said he was sorry and that he behaves like a jerk sometimes, but I can’t get his words out of my mind. The topic of the argument was nothing serious and was actually quite silly. I am just concerned about my marriage if at this early date I am threatened with divorce! Any advice? Are you in the US? I ask because a lot of states have 'quickie' type divorce papers for your situation (no home yet, no kids) that you can print out (free!) online, fill out, and file with your county to get it moving. Now, I'm not saying go file...but you can find out if he's serious, and get him to knock off that EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE behavior by... printing them out, filling them out, and asking for his signature on them. Likely, he's going to backtrack and say he didn't mean it, etc--which I hope is the case. Or he may be willing to call it quits now. Better to know now than Big Mortgage Plus Two Kids later. Don't let it slide, though. It will become his #1 way to avoid confrontation in the future if he knows he can threaten divorce and get you to back off.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I see now, you are in FL. http://www.edivorcepapers.com/florida-divorce-forms-and-papers.html "Petition for Dissolution of marriage with no property or children"
Author Raiatea Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 I wasn't aware of these documents being available, thank you for the advice. I really feel like doing this, even if it is just a warning for the future (like a "you asked for it, now deal with the consequences" kind of thing). Even though he apologized, I still will not forgive him for this. It's been dwelling on my mind for a while now and I am wondering if this will get worse.
Author Raiatea Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 Thank you for the link, that will come in handy should I go through with it.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 To stay married, you're going to have to forgive him for this. Does he say other hateful things? Buying a home is stressful...so is having kids, or the loss of a job, or a broken-down car, and a million other things...what you two need to figure out is a way to deal with the stress as a team instead of adversaries. I'm of the opinion that if you don't nip these kinds of responses, they do get worse over time. I hope if you do end up doing this, that it leads into a discussion about not saying hateful hurtful things out of frustration. If he never said that again, you could forgive him, right?
U2RockZz Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 "get him to knock off that EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE behavior by" whats so abusive about it.....it's absolutely 100% impossible to stay sane and say sane words day in and day out..... OP, if you take every thing in literal sense then you might have to be divorced every day...knock it off and discuss
lonelyandfrustrated Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 "get him to knock off that EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE behavior by" whats so abusive about it.....it's absolutely 100% impossible to stay sane and say sane words day in and day out..... Says who? It is 100% possible to only say what you mean, 100% of the time, unless you're incapable of controlling yourself, in which case you need mental help and perhaps hospitalization, because you are a danger to yourself and others. If you can't control your MOUTH, what can you control? It is abusive to make threats to your spouse that you have no intention of following through on. If you're going to follow through, then it is simply information.
Author Raiatea Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 So is he being abusive by saying this? He often says things that I believe are deliberately hurtful, but then I can be over sensitive sometimes.
allina Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 He absolutely crossed the line. Unless you are seriously considering divorce, you should never mention the word during an argument. There are lines that should never be crossed in a marriage. Other than him saying sorry have you talked about this? I think this isn't something that can be forgotten with a "sorry I didn't mean it." If you and your husband want a healthy marriage he needs to understand how unacceptable this was
Author Raiatea Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 Even though the fight is mostly over, I feel like going to a hotel for a few days just to clear my head. I don't know if I could be with someone who mentions divorce every time I do something that he doesn't like. But I know that if I went to a hotel, our relationship would be over immediately. He is that type of person.
allina Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 But I know that if I went to a hotel, our relationship would be over immediately. He is that type of person. Well then your relationship has more problems than him threatening divorce during the fight
quankanne Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 yes, making those kinds of threats is a form of emotional abuse, because it's using words to keep you in line. And often, people just don't get the power a word can have ... maybe it's time to get the both of you into a marriage-enrichment program that teaches you how to "fight" – or rather, have constructive dialogue about things that are bugging you. Believe me, it cuts out a lot of the BS that's involved and keeps the conversations from becoming dirty fights where each party lobs a bomb just to have the final say. Because that sets the stage for future abusive behavior. as for forgiving him, that's a must. Not for HIM, but for YOU, so that you don't carry around these hard feelings. However, this doesn't mean you allow him to continue his bad behavior – you are allowed to remember how it made you feel when he said that, and you're allowed to help him adjust his responses so that they are constructive even if they feel critical to you. maybe it's time for The Talk, about what exactly he meant by his threat, and why he feels saying "sorry" is going to absolve his behavior. as I tell my husband, "'Sorry' means you're not gonna pull that stupid shxt again, because you realize how much it hurts and you're going to change your behavior so that you never do it again. That's what 'sorry' means to me. Otherwise, don't waste my time – or yours – apologizing, because it just annoys the hell outta me!"
threebyfate Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Let's turn this around a bit. Instead of using an emotionally abusive weapon like threatening divorce, let's pretend that he said "If you don't stop, I'm going to smack you across the face". Both are examples of coercive behaviour in order to intimidate through aggressive actions. What he's done is to put your marriage in jeopardy, in order to win and no shot is too low or cheap for him. I truly hope you didn't accept his apology. If you did, then you're going to have to let this go until the next time he threatens you, in order to win. Bringing it up again can be perceived as a form of nagging, which might give him another excuse to threaten.
just_some_guy Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Even though the fight is mostly over, I feel like going to a hotel for a few days just to clear my head. I don't know if I could be with someone who mentions divorce every time I do something that he doesn't like. But I know that if I went to a hotel, our relationship would be over immediately. He is that type of person. You have to get this worked out now, especially before you make major commitments together. It is not fair to make threats in an argument, not at all. People say things in the heat of the moment they regret later, sometimes immediately after saying them. But if this is something that has happened before, then it is a pattern that needs to be addressed. Maturity brings with it the ability to govern one's mouth, even in an argument. It sounds like he needs to mature. The second comment is bothersome as well, the notion that if you want to get away for a period of time to think is a marriage ender. That's also not a good thing and together, it seems to smack of control issues. The other thing to consider is your part in the arguments. Do you "fight fair"? Perhaps the two of you together get into a bad dynamic of greater levels of heated argument, rather than reaching a conclusion or knowing when it is time to withdraw, simmer down and allow cooler heads to prevail at a later time.
U2RockZz Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Says who? It is 100% possible to only say what you mean, 100% of the time, unless you're incapable of controlling yourself, in which case you need mental help and perhaps hospitalization, because you are a danger to yourself and others. If you can't control your MOUTH, what can you control? oh, saint mother Theressa what happened to your wording ....why didn't you use some sensitive words for highlighted ones...was it some temporary insanity...???
lonelyandfrustrated Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 oh, saint mother Theressa what happened to your wording ....why didn't you use some sensitive words for highlighted ones...was it some temporary insanity...??? lol...I never said it was crazy to say what you mean! btw, I didn't mean 'you' you, but a general 'you' to all the people who say mean stuff and then try to excuse it with anger. "I'm mad as hell!" is a lot easier to move past than "I want a divorce!"
carhill Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 OP, though no definitive guide, as someone who *is* divorcing, I can tell you that divorce discussed calmly and without anger *is* a nearly sure path there. Once we clearly saw the 'writing' on the wall, done. We never tossed that word around in anger, though stbx did use it as a prospective resolution during disagreements, e.g. 'maybe we'd be better off getting a divorce', but never in fits of anger or rage. My sympathies. Hopefully you'll find a healthy resolution that you *both* can own.
U2RockZz Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 yes...he deserves a life sentence...or death sentence.....
Recommended Posts