Up/down, up/down

[stace79]

I have never been a fan of LDRs and I guess this is why. My bf is coming down this weekend to see me and I can't wait, but at the same time I'm so frustrated. I just don't know how this relationship can work, even if we both want it to!

 

We have four-five days where we are great, talking a lot, texting, saying "I love you" often. Then we go through three to four days that can be awful. I get insecure b/c he goes out to ladies night at a bar with a friend. I am rude to him, which makes him mad at me. Then when he doesn't want to argue, he won't speak to me for a day. (This is just an example argument; that's not always what we argue about.)

 

On top of the usual insecurities of living so far apart, there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. I applied for some jobs near him, but I don't even know if that's smart, as he may have to relocate again soon for his career anyway.

 

How do you do it? We chatted on webcam this weekend, and he made a new "relationship rule" that we have to do that once per week, b/c otherwise we feel so disconnected that we sometimes forget what we're working so hard for.

 

When we are together and/or things are going smoothly, neither can imagine living without the other. But then when we argue, it's like man, let's just give up.

[Pyro]

out of all the nights to go out why does he choose to go on ladies night? That is a bit odd.

 

Just my opinion but if I had any insecurities in a LDR then I wouldn't do it. That would be way too much stress worrying what my SO is doing while I am not with them.

 

Due to not being able to be together all the two of you have is communication. You need to work on that because without it you won't last.

[stace79]

out of all the nights to go out why does he choose to go on ladies night? That is a bit odd.

 

Just my opinion but if I had any insecurities in a LDR then I wouldn't do it. That would be way too much stress worrying what my SO is doing while I am not with them.

 

Due to not being able to be together all the two of you have is communication. You need to work on that because without it you won't last.

 

We do communicate. Maybe too much even. My mom says I tell him too much lol.

 

Honestly he has only gone out one time to a "ladies night". Here are a couple things about that:

 

1. He lives in a small town and has a small group of friends. Really apparently all they do is go out to bars and hang out.
   
2. I have no reason not to trust him. He's never cheated or done anything I could really use as cause to worry.
   
3. His going out is going to a local bar or restaurant where they play pool, sing karaoke and chat. I don't love the idea, but he isn't willing to not go out or be a hermit (I don't want him to not have a life either).
   

When he comes down here, we go to a counselor, but we've only gone once. Our second appt is Monday (he only gets down here every other month or so. We see each other every 4-6 weeks and we alternate who goes where).

[Phateless]

LDRs are very hard for exactly the reasons you described. In order for this to work you need a plan and you need to be sure this person is worth it.

 

There are so many people out there, you could be meeting someone who already lives near you. Is this guy worth it to you?

 

Pyro - maybe that's when his buddies want to go out. You have to trust the guy. If he were going to cheat, ladies night or not wouldn't make a damn bit of difference.

[Pyro]

Pyro - maybe that's when his buddies want to go out. You have to trust the guy. If he were going to cheat, ladies night or not wouldn't make a damn bit of difference.

 

It most likely is his buddies idea to go, but if it was his idea then I find it odd, but I'm not here to put any ideas in the OP's head.

 

Easier said than done OP but work on the communication so that the arguing is kept to a minimum.

[stace79]

LDRs are very hard for exactly the reasons you described. In order for this to work you need a plan and you need to be sure this person is worth it.

 

There are so many people out there, you could be meeting someone who already lives near you. Is this guy worth it to you?

 

Pyro - maybe that's when his buddies want to go out. You have to trust the guy. If he were going to cheat, ladies night or not wouldn't make a damn bit of difference.

 

I think we both feel it's worth the effort, because we've put up with and been through a whooooole lot together. Try surfing through all my past threads lol. Trust me, this path is far from the easiest to find love in my life.

 

What do you mean by having a plan? We definitely don't have any sort of plan at the moment. He knows that I prefer to talk at least once per day on the phone. He tries really hard to communicate with me often. It isn't that he doesn't want to talk to me, but his job requires him to be on the phone a lot of the day, so when he gets off work, talking on the phone isn't really what he wants to do with his whole evening.

 

Outside of that, I'm not sure what kind of plan we could formulate.

[stace79]

It most likely is his buddies idea to go, but if it was his idea then I find it odd, but I'm not here to put any ideas in the OP's head.

 

Easier said than done OP but work on the communication so that the arguing is kept to a minimum.

 

Yes -- it was his roommate's idea. My bf said that had they not called it ladies night, he wouldn't know it was ladies night. He said it was no different than sitting anywhere else with his friends and having a beer and chatting.

[Phateless]

I think we both feel it's worth the effort, because we've put up with and been through a whooooole lot together. Try surfing through all my past threads lol. Trust me, this path is far from the easiest to find love in my life.

 

What do you mean by having a plan? We definitely don't have any sort of plan at the moment. He knows that I prefer to talk at least once per day on the phone. He tries really hard to communicate with me often. It isn't that he doesn't want to talk to me, but his job requires him to be on the phone a lot of the day, so when he gets off work, talking on the phone isn't really what he wants to do with his whole evening.

 

Outside of that, I'm not sure what kind of plan we could formulate.

 

Plan for ending the LD part and making it a regular R. If the long distance part goes on indefinitely, there's almost no point.

 

Do you have a goal date for when you'll live in the same area? I think this is important to discuss. You mentioned you're looking for jobs near him, but he might get transferred. Do you have time-frames for that?

[stace79]

Plan for ending the LD part and making it a regular R. If the long distance part goes on indefinitely, there's almost no point.

 

Do you have a goal date for when you'll live in the same area? I think this is important to discuss. You mentioned you're looking for jobs near him, but he might get transferred. Do you have time-frames for that?

 

We don't. I wish we could. He works in a field where unfortunately the jobs are few and far between, and there's no telling where he might end up. He has laid out a plan for finding his next job, but there are no guarantees.

 

If he was a bit more established in his job, then he would have no problem footing my bill to move with him until I found work in our new residence. But we are both still relatively young in our careers. (Less than 10 years anyway, which for both of us is young in our fields.)

 

Also, unfortunately, his career is so much more specialized that I'd have to move for his job, if I want to stay with him.

 

I honestly don't know a better way to approach that, but you're right -- I'd feel better if we had some kind of plan.

[Phateless]

We don't. I wish we could. He works in a field where unfortunately the jobs are few and far between, and there's no telling where he might end up. He has laid out a plan for finding his next job, but there are no guarantees.

 

If he was a bit more established in his job, then he would have no problem footing my bill to move with him until I found work in our new residence. But we are both still relatively young in our careers. (Less than 10 years anyway, which for both of us is young in our fields.)

 

Also, unfortunately, his career is so much more specialized that I'd have to move for his job, if I want to stay with him.

 

I honestly don't know a better way to approach that, but you're right -- I'd feel better if we had some kind of plan.

 

Well, you have the facts. Can you accept this and move forward with it?

 

You could always move for him and if it doesn't work out, move back.

[stace79]

Well, you have the facts. Can you accept this and move forward with it?

 

You could always move for him and if it doesn't work out, move back.

 

I guess I didn't think those were the only options. I wouldn't mind working through the distance for maybe another year. I think beyond that I might have a hard time seeing this work, and he would likely agree with me.

 

Just wondering if there's anything we could do better to bridge the distance. We are traveling about as much as we can with the financial/work restrictions that we have. We try to talk often.

 

He said on Saturday when we video chatted that "Man, this is why we are working so hard." Meaning, when we SEE each other and are around each other, it's great. But we both get so stressed out and wrapped up in daily problems -- work, errands, finances, health issues, etc. -- that we lose sight of each other some times.

 

Maybe his suggestion that we always make time to video chat at least once a week is a good one and will help. Maybe our counselor will help with some ideas on Monday. Thanks for talking things through though.

[OrdealByFire]

I'm in an LDR and having the same things going on, except our happiness seems to be, strangely, at night. Pretty much all day every day we're arguing about something stupid. At the same time, I would rather be like that with her, than happy with anyone else.

 

Still, we took a break. That may be what you need.

 

Sorry for going off on a tangent.

 

EDIT: When we talk on the phone or webcam we're also a lot better. As far as texting or using AIM though, it's pretty bad a lot of the time unfortunately.

[Phateless]

I guess I didn't think those were the only options. I wouldn't mind working through the distance for maybe another year. I think beyond that I might have a hard time seeing this work, and he would likely agree with me.

 

Just wondering if there's anything we could do better to bridge the distance. We are traveling about as much as we can with the financial/work restrictions that we have. We try to talk often.

 

He said on Saturday when we video chatted that "Man, this is why we are working so hard." Meaning, when we SEE each other and are around each other, it's great. But we both get so stressed out and wrapped up in daily problems -- work, errands, finances, health issues, etc. -- that we lose sight of each other some times.

 

Maybe his suggestion that we always make time to video chat at least once a week is a good one and will help. Maybe our counselor will help with some ideas on Monday. Thanks for talking things through though.

 

I think it's important for you to be up-front with each other about how long you're willing to work through LDR. I think his suggestion is a good one.

 

As for the fighting, you BOTH just need to TAKE A CHILL PILL.

[stace79]

I'm in an LDR and having the same things going on, except our happiness seems to be, strangely, at night. Pretty much all day every day we're arguing about something stupid. At the same time, I would rather be like that with her, than happy with anyone else.

 

Still, we took a break. That may be what you need.

 

Sorry for going off on a tangent.

 

EDIT: When we talk on the phone or webcam we're also a lot better. As far as texting or using AIM though, it's pretty bad a lot of the time unfortunately.

 

The break is an interesting idea. I think it would be hard, b/c neither of us want to date other people and we don't want the other to date around.

 

But maybe a break with communication. Sometimes he starts feeling like calling me is a chore he has to do at the end of a long work day (he works like 10 hours every day).

 

As for text/IM, it's easy for things to get taken out of context b/c you can't hear tone of voice and all that. Phone/video chat is such better communication.

[Phateless]

The break is an interesting idea. I think it would be hard, b/c neither of us want to date other people and we don't want the other to date around.

 

But maybe a break with communication. Sometimes he starts feeling like calling me is a chore he has to do at the end of a long work day (he works like 10 hours every day).

 

As for text/IM, it's easy for things to get taken out of context b/c you can't hear tone of voice and all that. Phone/video chat is such better communication.

 

I know what you mean. It's easy to get discouraged, but the video chats remind you how much you like the person.

[pandagirl]

LDRs are hard! Especially when it comes to communication.

 

When you get into arguments, it's not good to project your insecurities about the relationship into them. But if you are feeling insecure, that should be a separate discussion.

 

It's really important to have a positive outlook in a LDR. Spending so much time apart is hard, but your default reaction to a fight shouldn't be "oh, we should break up."

[stace79]

LDRs are hard! Especially when it comes to communication.

 

When you get into arguments, it's not good to project your insecurities about the relationship into them. But if you are feeling insecure, that should be a separate discussion.

 

It's really important to have a positive outlook in a LDR. Spending so much time apart is hard, but your default reaction to a fight shouldn't be "oh, we should break up."

 

You are right -- my bf says both those things to me: 1) just b/c we have a bad fight doesn't mean we should think about breaking up and 2) I should try to stick to the one thing we're arguing about at the moment, not bring up other things too.

 

I have to figure out a better way to do that.

[Phateless]

You are right -- my bf says both those things to me: 1) just b/c we have a bad fight doesn't mean we should think about breaking up and 2) I should try to stick to the one thing we're arguing about at the moment, not bring up other things too.

 

I have to figure out a better way to do that.

 

Don't bring things up as a reaction. When you feel yourself getting heated, end the phone call for 10 or 20 minutes and write down the ONE thing you want to discuss with him that's making you upset. Then call him back and talk about ONLY THAT. If you find yourself straying off-topic, end the call, collect your thoughts, and try again.

 

Jumping all over the place and bringing all sorts of irrelevant crap into it causes way more problems than you realize.

[stace79]

Don't bring things up as a reaction. When you feel yourself getting heated, end the phone call for 10 or 20 minutes and write down the ONE thing you want to discuss with him that's making you upset. Then call him back and talk about ONLY THAT. If you find yourself straying off-topic, end the call, collect your thoughts, and try again.

 

Jumping all over the place and bringing all sorts of irrelevant crap into it causes way more problems than you realize.

 

Good grief. Do you have any idea what you're asking me? haha

 

I will make every possible effort to try this. It is very difficult for me. I have this serious fear of abandonment, and when we fight, the worst "punishment" in the world for me is when he ends the call and refuses to talk to me again until the next day. I am better now about dealing with that, but have always had a really hard time with it.

 

I think this is also one of the main reasons we're seeing a counselor - to learn how to argue better.

 

Like a normal guy, he doesn't want to argue; whereas I need to hash out my issue and make sure that I'm heard, and I'd like to at least feel like he accepts that I can feel differently about something and not necessarily be "wrong". He is much better now, too, but he used to take the stance that if I didn't see eye-to-eye with him that I was either wrong or out of luck.

 

I really don't want to break up; I love the guy. But I don't want to be unhappy, uneasy or insecure half my life either, ya know? And I don't want him to be unhappy b/c I am unhappy.

[Phateless]

Good grief. Do you have any idea what you're asking me? haha

 

I will make every possible effort to try this. It is very difficult for me. I have this serious fear of abandonment, and when we fight, the worst "punishment" in the world for me is when he ends the call and refuses to talk to me again until the next day. I am better now about dealing with that, but have always had a really hard time with it.

 

I think this is also one of the main reasons we're seeing a counselor - to learn how to argue better.

 

Like a normal guy, he doesn't want to argue; whereas I need to hash out my issue and make sure that I'm heard, and I'd like to at least feel like he accepts that I can feel differently about something and not necessarily be "wrong". He is much better now, too, but he used to take the stance that if I didn't see eye-to-eye with him that I was either wrong or out of luck.

 

I really don't want to break up; I love the guy. But I don't want to be unhappy, uneasy or insecure half my life either, ya know? And I don't want him to be unhappy b/c I am unhappy.

 

Sounds like you guys are stuck in similar patterns as my gf and I. I'm on the one who always wants to talk things out and she either wants to yell at me about it or not talk about it. She's trying to learn how to have calm and reasonable discussions, but I'm so sick of the fireworks that I don't want to discuss anything with her anymore.

 

Honestly, you need to learn to control yourself. If you can't have an adult conversation about your issues, talking about it does more harm than good.

 

Do some googling for "assertive communication" and make sure you both read the same articles and agree on STRATEGIES for discussions.

 

What about an egg timer? He talks for 3 mins with NO interruptions, then you ADDRESS his feelings (instead of turning things around) and then you switch and it's your turn.

[Phateless]

Example:

 

him: "when you ignore me, i feel insecure"

you: "well i was ignoring you because...." -WRONG!!!!

you: "so why do you feel insecure? what things do i do that make you feel that way?" -RIGHT! - you're discussing his feelings, not judging, commenting, reacting, defending, or anything of the sort. you're echoing his feelings back to him, allowing him to have them, and merely trying to understand his perspective.

 

You get the difference??

[stace79]

Example:

 

him: "when you ignore me, i feel insecure"

you: "well i was ignoring you because...." -WRONG!!!!

you: "so why do you feel insecure? what things do i do that make you feel that way?" -RIGHT! - you're discussing his feelings, not judging, commenting, reacting, defending, or anything of the sort. you're echoing his feelings back to him, allowing him to have them, and merely trying to understand his perspective.

 

You get the difference??

 

The bolded part is actually what he does sometimes. And you're right; it doesn't help. I think we have definitely gotten better, but again, sometimes with all the stress we're under, we have lapses when we "forget" our good arguing skills and fall back into unhelpful actions.

 

I like the idea of an egg timer to make sure we are not interrupting each other. I have a few things listed that I actually want to say to him during our counseling session Monday, so that hopefully when he's not in the heat of an argument, he can actually hear me out and discuss, as opposed to telling me why he feels the opposite as I do.

[Phateless]

The bolded part is actually what he does sometimes. And you're right; it doesn't help. I think we have definitely gotten better, but again, sometimes with all the stress we're under, we have lapses when we "forget" our good arguing skills and fall back into unhelpful actions.

 

I like the idea of an egg timer to make sure we are not interrupting each other. I have a few things listed that I actually want to say to him during our counseling session Monday, so that hopefully when he's not in the heat of an argument, he can actually hear me out and discuss, as opposed to telling me why he feels the opposite as I do.

 

You should also make the rule that when you interrupt each other, the conversation ends and you talk again the next day. DO NOT USE THIS AS A THREAT. This will train both of you to be more respectful in communicating.

 

Remember, you don't comment on or rebut the other person's feelings - you echo them back and address, make sure you UNDERSTAND them.

Edited July 27, 2010 by Phateless