slownumbers81 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I will preface this by saying that I've had a bad habit of going after unavailable people but have slowly been coming out of that pattern. For the last few months I have been dating someone that is interested and available. Although issues have popped up here and there overall I have become comfortable in the relationship and recognize the benefits of a caring relationship and I really care about her. With that said, I notice myself thinking she is not exactly my ideal when it comes to a long term partner. It may sound silly but in my mind I would ideally be with someone with a more positive life attitude who enjoys helping people and volunteering, etc. I feel like I want to explore the world of dating more and not settle with this particular person without seeing what else is out there. I feel conflicted, I know that if we broke up and I'd miss her a lot, and I'd be upset for awhile. However, I wonder if I should search for someone that may have more characteristics that I am looking for? What would you do?
Sabali Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Don't do it! The grass always look greener... What we have to do is find someone just as f****d up as us and if they are good people that care about us and the relationship is fulfilling, you try to stay together and develop it. See what happens to us while we are growing up is that we watch a lot of TV and read a lot of fairy tales. We get certain ideas burned into our head and think that is the way the world works. It doesn't! Don't become a victim of someone's imagination. You are probably thinking, "oh, great! I have this nice gal here but I should just continue to just roam the Earth looking for my ideal woman." So you quit your current nice girl and go off and look for a woman who is 5'10 with legs that go on forever, volunteers for the Red Cross, traveled the world including a stint with the Peace Corp and then 20 years down the line you realize that this is the woman you saw on Law and Order. You never miss a good thing til it's gone. If this relationship dies, let it be of a natural death after you both of you try to develop it. Ride this one out, buddy, and see where it takes you so you won't be crying about the one you let getaway when you are old and in a nursing home and have no one to wipe the drool from your lips.
stace79 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Disagree with the above post. If you feel she is not your "ideal" partner, then you should let her go before she gets even more invested emotionally. It will hurt HER longer in the long run, and the truth is she deserves someone who cares about her as much as she cares about him. This doesn't sound like a "grass is greener" mentality. It sounds like you have a legitimate concern about whether your personalities line up. And if she is consistently more negative or doesn't enjoy doing volunteer work, and you are the opposite of that, it might be wise to end this sooner than later. Only you can make the ultimate decision, but don't just stay with her b/c you might miss her or be lonely. That's definitely NOT a reason to stay with someone.
Sabali Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 (edited) Disagree with the above post. If you feel she is not your "ideal" partner, then you should let her go before she gets even more invested emotionally. It will hurt HER longer in the long run, and the truth is she deserves someone who cares about her as much as she cares about him. This doesn't sound like a "grass is greener" mentality. It sounds like you have a legitimate concern about whether your personalities line up. And if she is consistently more negative or doesn't enjoy doing volunteer work, and you are the opposite of that, it might be wise to end this sooner than later. Only you can make the ultimate decision, but don't just stay with her b/c you might miss her or be lonely. That's definitely NOT a reason to stay with someone. You are right. I misread his post, specifically the second paragraph which is very important. I thought he was simply looking for someone 'better." Edited July 26, 2010 by Sabali
Sabali Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I should ask the OP specifically what he doesn't like about his girlfriend. After reading his post again, I am really not sure if your GF is negative and refuse to do volunteer work or what. If she is simply not living up to all of your ideal standards that you have and have some flaws as we all do, then my first post applies, however, if she is negative and only think of herself then the other applies. I just don't want you to make a mistake I have seen many men make. We tend to think we always could do better and we chase better and screw up with a lot of loving and caring individuals during our fairy tale chase.
Mike B. Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 You have to ask yourself how important is that she be a volunteer is and other crieteria you may have for your ideal mate. Are they deal breakers? You won't ever get 100% of what you are looking for out of a person. You won't even get 90%. What is most important for me but maybe not for you is that a female is generally a good human being with a good heart. She doesn't have to be a volunteer or do the walk for cancer or anything but if shedoesn't cheat, steal, or lie then that would be very solid things to build on. The other things would be having things in common. How old are you? If you are young then you probably would want to date around and see what the world is like. If you are a bit up there, I will think very hard before dumping someone who is a good person and treating me well. That is most important and I can forgive her if she is not there to help pass out blankets when someone house is on fire. As stated above, if she is the negative type, that is a deal breaker for me but if she is just as positive as the common person, I don't know if I could hold that against her.
someotherguy Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 You've only been together a few months? Move on, that's what dating is all about.
Mike B. Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 You've only been together a few months? Move on, that's what dating is all about. True. I am more of a bird in the hand is worth more than one in a bush, personally. Like said above, you are dating but another option considering the above post is that can you guys openly date and you can see what's out there and still enjoy a relationship with her? May be hard but worth a try.
zengirl Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Ideals are pretty silly. If you're trying to match a girl to a paper ideal, that's not going to work. That said, if you don't see yourself marrying her, I think that's a fair reason to dump someone, if you're coming along to that stage in your life. Hey, that happens. Just make sure it's not because of some lame ideal. Instead, look at the reality of your relationship, how it makes you feel, how your values align, and what you want from life.
tigressA Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 You have to ask yourself how important is that she be a volunteer is and other crieteria you may have for your ideal mate. Are they deal breakers? You won't ever get 100% of what you are looking for out of a person. You won't even get 90%. What is most important for me but maybe not for you is that a female is generally a good human being with a good heart. She doesn't have to be a volunteer or do the walk for cancer or anything but if shedoesn't cheat, steal, or lie then that would be very solid things to build on. The other things would be having things in common. How old are you? If you are young then you probably would want to date around and see what the world is like. If you are a bit up there, I will think very hard before dumping someone who is a good person and treating me well. That is most important and I can forgive her if she is not there to help pass out blankets when someone house is on fire. As stated above, if she is the negative type, that is a deal breaker for me but if she is just as positive as the common person, I don't know if I could hold that against her. I agree with this post, especially the bolded parts. To me, having interests/hobbies in common isn't nearly as important as having compatible values, viewpoints, goals. You don't have to enjoy doing all or even most of the same things together. Having some different interests is good; it fosters and maintains independence outside of the relationship.
Sabali Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 It's the media. They put "ideals" in our head and then we expect June Cleaver. It's not like that. I don't think dating always have to lead to marriage. When I was 21 and dating, marriage was nowhere near my horizon btu it was important for me to still date and learn how to treat a woman for when I do find the special someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
txsilkysmoothe Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I'm having a hard time accepting that the reason you don't think this woman is ideal is due to the fact that she doesn't "volunteer or help people." Seriously? Even if she or another woman volunteered at this current time in their life, it doesn't mean they would continue to do so. What then? Maybe you worded your reasoning poorly. Look deeper - I think there is another reason. Regardless, I think you should end it and move on.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I feel conflicted, I know that if we broke up and I'd miss her a lot, and I'd be upset for awhile. However, I wonder if I should search for someone that may have more characteristics that I am looking for? What would you do? I suggest some deep and intense therapy. You should speak to a professional regarding your issues. This has nothing to do with your GF, and everything to do with problems inside your head. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2882293#post2882293
Sabali Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I suggest some deep and intense therapy. You should speak to a professional regarding your issues. This has nothing to do with your GF, and everything to do with problems inside your head. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2882293#post2882293 So let me get this straight, OP. You are not married to her, you don’t have children by her, and you are not physically attracted to her. Then she is done. Why subject the poor girl to this just because you wouldn’t want to see her with someone else? Let her go so she can have someone else that appreciates her more. You don’t want to be selfish. I can tell you that if you think you will miss her and hate to see her with someone else then you probably will but the bottom line is that you don’t want to screw up someone’s life and hurt them. Things like this can stick with a person for a very long time and it ain’t a good feeling. She will probably hate to be just kept around for this reason if she knew this.
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I checked out your previous posts ... any chance that you are not sexually attracted to women?
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 The last two relationships I had were with guys who could have written your posts. The longer I was with them, the more apparent it became. Honestly, let her go. She will catch on eventually, and the longer you let this go the more it is going to hurt her in the end.
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