CastorTroy Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Ive been dating my gf now for a few months now and things are going great and the relationship is in full swing. We are at the point in the relationship where we are starting to talk about our future together. So it is getting pretty serious. So here is the issue. I was previously married and had an affair which of course ended up in divorce. The affair was an obvious mistake and I have been paying the price ever since. In previous relationships when i have been up front about the affair, I automatically got labled as a cheater, player, womanizer etc... and it always became an issue within those past relationships. My gf knows about my ex wife and two kids but I havent told her about the affair. There is a part of me thats wants to come clean with affair but there I am afraid of damaging the relationship. 1. Should I tell gf about the affair? Is it her buisness? Does she need to know? 2. If I do tell her when is the best time to tell her? thanks
Argentina Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 A few months is not a very long time to be in a relationship with someone and perhaps with a bit more time your decision will become clearer. Has she discussed in detail her previous relationships? Are your children aware that you had an affair. Are they likely to spill the beans? Having an affair does not mean that you are going to continue to have affairs. I know this because I had an affair myself and know many others that have. Most only do it once, realise what a huge mistake it was and vow to never get in that situation again. If I was in your situation (and actually I have been many years ago) I would subtly over a period of time try to suss out what her opinion is on the issue of affairs. Is she the sort of person that realises that people make mistakes? Is she is the forgiving type? Maybe watch a film like Richard Gere's "Unfaithful" or something like that that brings up the topic and might open up the way to discussion. Anyway, just some ideas, but I wouldn't rush into anything at this stage.
cookie2 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 You should not lie to her if she asks directly. That would not be a good foundation for a serious relationship. Especially if she found out later. But in my opinion there's no need to volunteer the information. What exactly would it achieve? You'll just make her scared and paranoid unnecessarily, and maybe ruin the relationship. The only reason you would be telling her, is to alleviate your own guilt. Suck it down; that is part of the price of your mistake.
stace79 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I agree with Cookie. If she asks point blank if you ever cheated, or why your marriage ended, then you should be honest. But I don't think you're obligated to share every detail of your relationship history with potential new partners.
someotherguy Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 In my opinion, this is a pretty important fact and you should definitely share it with her. Give her some prep first, tall her you want to tell her something important, and you don't know how she'll feel about you afterward, but that you think she needs to know this so that you don't have a big secret hanging between you. This should probably be discussed as soon as you talk about the failure of your first marriage. If you've gone to counseling or therapy, that would probably help your case. I think she deserves to know so that she can make an informed decision. She's allowed to have her own deal-breakers, just as you are.
stace79 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 In my opinion, this is a pretty important fact and you should definitely share it with her. Give her some prep first, tall her you want to tell her something important, and you don't know how she'll feel about you afterward, but that you think she needs to know this so that you don't have a big secret hanging between you. This should probably be discussed as soon as you talk about the failure of your first marriage. If you've gone to counseling or therapy, that would probably help your case. I think she deserves to know so that she can make an informed decision. She's allowed to have her own deal-breakers, just as you are. I can't imagine it hasn't come up in regular getting-to-know-you convo. If someone I was seeing had been married, at some point I'd have asked why the marriage failed. However, if she hasn't asked, I wouldn't say he's forced to bring it up on his own. I wouldn't want someone telling me that I had to share intimate details of all of my previous relationships.
Minnie09 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I think he should tell her. Especially because the R seems important to him, he should show some respect by opening up to the new gf. She deserves the truth if he wants a future with her. I would be thankful for the full truth, especially if he seems to regret his previous mistakes and seems to have learned from them. The new gf will for sure find out eventually.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 You have to tell her. Unlike the other thread similar to this, what you did is going to be common knowledge because it ended in a messy divorce. Your ex-wife, your children, your family, or someone is going to tell her if you don't. If they tell her first, she will never trust you. This is almost a guarantee. You have to tell her so you can give her your version of it rather than her hearing theirs first. The other women you told it to, did you make sure to include how sorry you were for it and how it was the stupidest thing you ever did in your life? Did you make sure to say how you've changed since then and how you're still paying the price for it and regret it every day? It's easier to not judge someone for a past mistake if you know that they're different now. Do whatever you can to prove it to her.
that girl Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 It would be one thing if you cheating on your 12th grade girlfriend, but you cheated on your wife and you have kids with your ex wife. If the relationship lasts, she is eventually going to find out. Your ex will say it or your mom will mention it or you're buddy's girlfriend will. At some point you have to tell her.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Ive been dating my gf now for a few months now and things are going great and the relationship is in full swing. We are at the point in the relationship where we are starting to talk about our future together. So it is getting pretty serious. So here is the issue. I was previously married and had an affair which of course ended up in divorce. The affair was an obvious mistake and I have been paying the price ever since. In previous relationships when i have been up front about the affair, I automatically got labled as a cheater, player, womanizer etc... and it always became an issue within those past relationships. My gf knows about my ex wife and two kids but I havent told her about the affair. There is a part of me thats wants to come clean with affair but there I am afraid of damaging the relationship. 1. Should I tell gf about the affair? Is it her buisness? Does she need to know? 2. If I do tell her when is the best time to tell her? thanks Thats a rough one is she likely to talk to the ex wife? would the ex spill the beans? I doubt the kids are going to blurt out dad cheated on mom so I wouldn't worry there. I think as long as you have truly learned from the mistake there is no point in tainting any future relationships because of past mistakes. My advice (If you are seriously 100% sure you wont repeat) And the new gf isent likely to find out from the ex is to keep it to yourself. Unless of course she asks directly then you should be honest.
nikayla Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 I can't imagine it hasn't come up in regular getting-to-know-you convo. If someone I was seeing had been married, at some point I'd have asked why the marriage failed. This puzzled me, as well. I am starting to wonder if the OP and his new girlfriend are communicating effectively... or even at all. I would personally wait for your girlfriend to bring up the previous affair, then address the predicament. The key isn't to justify the wrongdoing, but to ensure that all doubt of cheating is eliminated from your new woman's mind.
TLCbear Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Usually that type of stuff comes up in the beginning when you're trying to get to know one another. I'm suprised it hasn't...unless you neglected to tell her or lied to her. I usually ask upfront within a day or two about past relationships and what caused it to end...so I can't imagine she wouldn't do the same within the couple of months you have been together. If you haven't told her, maybe now is the time...and yes, it is her business, because the past can always become the present.
sally4sara Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 I always advise that you keep where you learned your lessons (past mistakes and the new standards you set due to them) to yourself unless asked directly. Some people don't want to know about things that had nothing to do with them and won't ask for that very reason. They know there are things you may have done that puts you in a less than wonderful light and they'd rather not get clouded with that impression. Others want to know and will make a point to ask when they feel it is appropriate to know such info.
hopesndreams Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 (edited) 1. Should I tell gf about the affair? Is it her buisness? Does she need to know? 2. If I do tell her when is the best time to tell her? Yes, you should tell her and yes, it is her business. Of course she needs to know. So sad that you have waited MONTHS to think about telling her but I guess you had the "she didn't ask" so don't tell policy? Does your gf have any background where cheating was an issue in her life? Whether it was with her parents, family members, friends or herself? If not, chances are if you tell her of cheating on the W, it wouldn't "ruin" what you both have. So, unless she has no experience from those that cheat, has done it herself, or has never seen others suffer from it, then you're in the clear. The best time, is NOW. Edited July 27, 2010 by hopesndreams
make me believe Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 It would be one thing if you cheating on your 12th grade girlfriend, but you cheated on your wife and you have kids with your ex wife. I agree. I normally don't think one needs to disclose this type of information, but because it was with his wife I think he needs to. I would be ok if I found out my BF cheated on an ex-gf and regretted it/learned from it, but I would feel a lot differently about somebody who cheated on his wife. There is a BIG difference.
Author CastorTroy Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Thanks for all your feedback. I am just going to wait it out and if she asks me directly I will come clean. For it is too late for me to respond to the question "how did your marriage end?" Reason being is that question was asked immediately when we first met and we were just having an informal conversation and werent involved yet.
sally4sara Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Thanks for all your feedback. I am just going to wait it out and if she asks me directly I will come clean. For it is too late for me to respond to the question "how did your marriage end?" Reason being is that question was asked immediately when we first met and we were just having an informal conversation and werent involved yet. So you're going to wait till she asks you again even though you've already lied about it. You haven't changed a bit since your affair. This is just playing safe and hoping whatever lie you floated never gets questioned. She asked - you lied. Deciding to wait till she asks is not an option for you because she ALREADY ASKED. Which changes my answer entirely - you need to tell her and now because she ALREADY ASKED. She wants to know and I doubt she wanted to know just so you could lie to her.
LSNoob Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 (edited) I agree. I normally don't think one needs to disclose this type of information, but because it was with his wife I think he needs to. I would be ok if I found out my BF cheated on an ex-gf and regretted it/learned from it, but I would feel a lot differently about somebody who cheated on his wife. There is a BIG difference. Cheating is cheating. What's the difference. If you cheated on a bf, gf, wife, husband or what ever, its still all the same, and you should tell about them to your future spouse so they decide on their future. NOT you. I assume you cheated on your bf/gf before?? So trying to say ok for you to keep it from others but not ok for the OP? Am I right? CastorTroy, when she asked you why your mge. ended so early when she met you. She was trying to see if you are a cheater or not, so she could walk away from the early days and not get involved with you. Edited August 9, 2010 by LSNoob
Joe Normal Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Yes, you should tell her, because it will look more honest than hiding it and then she finds out from your ex.
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