smk Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Well today has certainly been a weird day - a whole new range of emotions seem to be surfacing... I woke up this morning and just felt different - a different that I cant explain. It was a sort of liberating different, but then when I thought about it, it felt as though maybe, just maybe I have taken a second step forward toward moving on and letting go of the hope that things would work out, that she would she come back, that by some miracle she realised that she could not see her life without me in it... And then I had another onset of emotions - emotions that have plagued me since then - I feel that by accepting fate and moving on I am cheating on her - I am cheating on the love that we once shared, or the beliefs that I once had, on the visions that I once had, on everything I had come to believe in the last 6 months that I would spend the rest of my life with her. This inevitably has led to me having a succession of panic attacks all morning and me becoming a little bit more emotional then before... Has anyone else ever felt this way, felt that by accepting your loss you are in some way, shape or form cheating on them (or on you feelings for them)? Isnt moving on the right thing to do, then why does it feel so wrong???
AlwaysConflicted Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I've felt this. By letting go of your feelings for her you feel like you're giving up. And if you give up, then the relationship is dead forever. BUT, you have to remind yourself that she's the one who gave up. You did everything you could to win her back, but she refused. She knows how much you care for her and that you'd like to get back together. It feels wrong because you're not over her and you want to continue fighting this imaginary battle. If you're still pining for her and feel sad then you're closer to her as opposed to moving on entirely and becoming distant. I have certainly felt this emotion. You're on the brink of realizing the finality of this situation. Your mind is struggling with the concept. Give it more time and you'll eventually make peace.
HeavenOrHell Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I felt this a little when I started having feelings for someone else about 7 or 8 months post break up, even though I knew he was getting closer to an old friend of mine and even though it was him who left me, I felt I would feel a little guilty if I bumped into my ex with my new partner, not cos I was doing anything wrong but just cos of all the 18 years we shared and how close we were, it was a new and strange situation. It's cos you are sensitive and care how she feels I think if you are starting to let go now, even if it was her who left you, maybe you feel guilty cos it might look like you are giving up on her, when in reality you are being realistic and moving forward. Also wanted to say you might not feel like this tomorrow, that you are probably going to be all over the place emotionally for a while, so if you feel a certain emotion then don't expect it to stay like that, ie today you might be panicky, tomorrow you might be calm, Wednesday you'll be longing for her back, Thursday you just want space and to not hear from her, etc etc... Just go with it for now, feel all these emotions, but there will come a point you will say F*** this I have to let go now, I can't do this anymore. For me I reached that point after about 7 months, but it is different for everyone. Well today has certainly been a weird day - a whole new range of emotions seem to be surfacing... I woke up this morning and just felt different - a different that I cant explain. It was a sort of liberating different, but then when I thought about it, it felt as though maybe, just maybe I have taken a second step forward toward moving on and letting go of the hope that things would work out, that she would she come back, that by some miracle she realised that she could not see her life without me in it... And then I had another onset of emotions - emotions that have plagued me since then - I feel that by accepting fate and moving on I am cheating on her - I am cheating on the love that we once shared, or the beliefs that I once had, on the visions that I once had, on everything I had come to believe in the last 6 months that I would spend the rest of my life with her. This inevitably has led to me having a succession of panic attacks all morning and me becoming a little bit more emotional then before... Has anyone else ever felt this way, felt that by accepting your loss you are in some way, shape or form cheating on them (or on you feelings for them)? Isnt moving on the right thing to do, then why does it feel so wrong???
Author smk Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 Arghh I hate these emotions... I know and understand that I need to let go and just move on, yet I don't want to give up... I can still close my eyes and see her face looking at ms with her big innocent eyes, telling me how much she loves me.... I even know how unhealthy this is, and if I keep it up I am going to drive myself insane - yet I can't... It seems that there is a battle going on inside of me, one part slowly letting go and a another picking up those pieces and refusing to let go.., I have been fighting this battle all day long, and going against everything I have been saying the last few weeks... It's as though if I give up then I am the one who left the things, I am the who quit, I am the one to blame, should I have said something, should I send the letter, should I profess my love to her yet again in the hope that it awakens something in her... It's such a conflicting battle in my mind and is almost driving me insane....
Thorgs Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 For me, the hardest part is looking back and doing the, should I have said something? Why did I not go down with a fight? All if fair in love and war. None the less, it's still hard. Just remember, they are the ones who cheated us out of feeling their love. It shouldn't feel the other way around. Dust yourself off, keep that head held high, and put one foot in front of the other.
Author smk Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 It's cos you are sensitive and care how she feels I think if you are starting to let go now, even if it was her who left you, maybe you feel guilty cos it might look like you are giving up on her, when in reality you are being realistic and moving forward. Also wanted to say you might not feel like this tomorrow, that you are probably going to be all over the place emotionally for a while, so if you feel a certain emotion then don't expect it to stay like that, ie today you might be panicky, tomorrow you might be calm, Wednesday you'll be longing for her back, Thursday you just want space and to not hear from her, etc etc... Just go with it for now, feel all these emotions, but there will come a point you will say F*** this I have to let go now, I can't do this anymore. . That is exactly how I feel - its as though I am cheating on her by moving on... WTF is wrong with me..... I know what you mean about the emotions - I was doing great until she broke NC on friday and from there on its been all over the place..... For me, the hardest part is looking back and doing the, should I have said something? Why did I not go down with a fight? All if fair in love and war. None the less, it's still hard. Just remember, they are the ones who cheated us out of feeling their love. It shouldn't feel the other way around. Dust yourself off, keep that head held high, and put one foot in front of the other. Yeah even now despite going against everything I have been saying for the last few weeks its seems I have taken a step back - I keep on playing these conversation in my mind, i should have said this, or done that, I should have stood my ground and stood up to her dad, I should have shown up at her doorstep and told him how I feel... Its feels like there are 2 little people in my head and they are playing tug of war, one is accepting the reality for what it is and the other just seems to want to be miserable... Its almost as though my mind now wants to be miserable.....
This Hurts Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I haven't felt that I was "cheating", but I have felt that I was abandoning her. My ex has so many mental problems that she hasn't, and I don't think is interested in fixing. When I started thinking that I had to let her go 'cause she just wasn't coming around, I started feeling guilty and like I was abandoning her. However, I have a feeling that once I meet someone new and I'm still not 100% over her, I'm going to get the "cheating" feeling. I think we just have to keep reminding ourselves that it's not our fault, and that we tried, and that we DIDN'T abandon or cheat them of anything. One of the many things I'm afraid of is that I'll always feel guilty for accepting the fact that she's gone and trying to move on. Complicated stuff.
HeavenOrHell Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 There's nothing wrong with you, you're grieving the loss of your partner. If you told her you needed NC (?) then she is being insensitive to you, don't let her use you. My ex did attempt to break NC and of course I caved in, but in the end I had to be firm with him for my sanity.. Like you said; you were doing great until she broke NC, please be strong and tell her it's what you want/need so you can move on, once I went NC I started to finally heal, the first 3 days or so were hell but then it got easier. My memory is awful and I read so many posts here, remind me why you broke up, cos her dad's racist? If so, then it's a truly vile situation and my heart goes out to you. But I doubt you could have done anything differently. If this is the reason you split but you were still in love with each other, maybe there will be a way to be together when you're older? But you can't wait around indefinitely. That is exactly how I feel - its as though I am cheating on her by moving on... WTF is wrong with me..... I know what you mean about the emotions - I was doing great until she broke NC on friday and from there on its been all over the place..... Yeah even now despite going against everything I have been saying for the last few weeks its seems I have taken a step back - I keep on playing these conversation in my mind, i should have said this, or done that, I should have stood my ground and stood up to her dad, I should have shown up at her doorstep and told him how I feel... Its feels like there are 2 little people in my head and they are playing tug of war, one is accepting the reality for what it is and the other just seems to want to be miserable... Its almost as though my mind now wants to be miserable.....
Treasa Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 She left you. You did everything you could to get her back, and she said no. How can you cheat on someone who doesn't want to be with you enough to actually be with you? What you're feeling is fear. Fear that if you move on, it's over forever. It may be over forever with HER. And if that's the case, good, because it means you'll be open to the right person for you. Do you really want to be hung up on the woman who dumped you when the woman who will love you and wants to be with you forever comes along? And if your ex DOES come back, it should be because she wants to, not because you were mopey and sad. If anything, women love strength and confidence. Women want a man who can say, "Hey, I'll be fine no matter what." You can either keep staring forlornly at that closed door, or you can start looking at the doors that might be opening. And I don't mean in just a relationship sense. I think that grieving the loss and being sad for a while is ok, as long as you don't dwell on it or let it keep you from doing things. I STILL have moments of sadness and pain. I used to be afraid of the sadness. I would go to great lengths to avoid it. I used to think it would set me back. Now I realize that I have to go through and ride each wave as it comes along, and eventually I'll get through it to the other side. And you know what? Each wave is getting smaller and easier to ride through. But you have to be willing to feel it, to know that what you're feeling is normal and not a cause for alarm. "Moving on" sounds like you're leaving something behind. You aren't. You have everything you truly need with you. Within you. Just take the time to feel the pain when you have to, but make sure you're actively participating in healthy steps to get better. That means: 1. Eating right. 2. Exercising. 3. Seeking out new goals and challenges and accomplishing them. 4. Spending time with friends. 5. Having some down time to yourself. 6. Journaling. 7. Posting here as often as you need to. Things will get better, but you have to trust that they will. If she ever wants you back, she will let you know. I promise you that. It's ok to let go and just turn your attention to yourself. See the wonderful things about YOU.
Author smk Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 She left you. You did everything you could to get her back, and she said no. How can you cheat on someone who doesn't want to be with you enough to actually be with you? What you're feeling is fear. Fear that if you move on, it's over forever. It may be over forever with HER. And if that's the case, good, because it means you'll be open to the right person for you. Do you really want to be hung up on the woman who dumped you when the woman who will love you and wants to be with you forever comes along? And if your ex DOES come back, it should be because she wants to, not because you were mopey and sad. If anything, women love strength and confidence. Women want a man who can say, "Hey, I'll be fine no matter what." You can either keep staring forlornly at that closed door, or you can start looking at the doors that might be opening. And I don't mean in just a relationship sense. I think that grieving the loss and being sad for a while is ok, as long as you don't dwell on it or let it keep you from doing things. I STILL have moments of sadness and pain. I used to be afraid of the sadness. I would go to great lengths to avoid it. I used to think it would set me back. Now I realize that I have to go through and ride each wave as it comes along, and eventually I'll get through it to the other side. And you know what? Each wave is getting smaller and easier to ride through. But you have to be willing to feel it, to know that what you're feeling is normal and not a cause for alarm. "Moving on" sounds like you're leaving something behind. You aren't. You have everything you truly need with you. Within you. Just take the time to feel the pain when you have to, but make sure you're actively participating in healthy steps to get better. That means: 1. Eating right. 2. Exercising. 3. Seeking out new goals and challenges and accomplishing them. 4. Spending time with friends. 5. Having some down time to yourself. 6. Journaling. 7. Posting here as often as you need to. Things will get better, but you have to trust that they will. If she ever wants you back, she will let you know. I promise you that. It's ok to let go and just turn your attention to yourself. See the wonderful things about YOU. Hey Treasa, After reading your post yesterday it really made me realise that she left me and not the other way around and I was fine until this morning... Then bang all of a sudden it was like I was cheating or abandoning the relationship even though I knew it was over. It felt as though I was clinging onto something that had ceased to be - yet for some reason I just couldnt let go, and the harder I tried the worse it got - until at one point I had to go and lock myself in the toilets at work and just let it all out. In front of her and anyone I know has a link to her I have portayed a strong image simply because I dont want her to see me the way I am. She didnt fall in love with a wallowing emotional trainwreck of a guy - she fell in love with a confident guy. I have been trying to keep strong, and focussed, and stuck to NC - but it was as though today I was rushed by such an overwhelming feeling that if I let go I was somehow throwing in the towel and giving up, I was letting go of someone I love so dearly and to me that sense of finally accepting that it was over seemed to throw me all over the place. If you read my last few post I have been trying to be positive, giving both myself and anyone else I can courage telling them that we can and will get through this, yet today I feel like a complete hypocrite - like someone who shouldnt say anything if I cant even follow my own tips. I went to my therapist today, and even with her I was all over the place. Just when I thought I was moving forward it all came rushing back to me, to taunt me, to say to me that I couldnt even manage to hold on to the one person I truly love. It took me back to a long time ago to a distant memory that I cant fully recall - a time when I remember being all alone and having no one there for me, having no one there for me, the people who told me that they would love me, werent there when I needed them... Anyways I guess you have to reach the deepest, darkest depths of hell before you can truly begin to appreciate the little things in life and to truly embrace and live your life to the fullest... Who knows maybe today I got there and tomorrow I will start climbing back out, or who knows maybe I still have a few more feet to go...
spriggig Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 I didn't feel this, probably because my wife actually cheated on me. I went on three disastrous first dates in April--but never felt like I was cheating even though I'm still technically married to her. I think the desire to date after a breakup is linked to Hysterical Bonding--it's a searching for an outlet for those emotions. Maybe you're letting go of the commitment, you feel ready to seek a new partner.
Author smk Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 I think the desire to date after a breakup is linked to Hysterical Bonding--it's a searching for an outlet for those emotions. Hysterical Bonding - I like that - hysterical definitely sums it up...LOL... I think because me and my ex moved so quickly in our relationship and I discovered a whole new range of emotions - my mind is kinda looking for some way to let them out - and because she used to be the person I used to talk to about everything and she is no longer there I am longing for that bond again... I have been doing pretty well and letting out a lot of my emotions here on LS, to my friends (one of whom has threatened to hit me over the head with a club if I dont shut up), and my therapist (well she gets paid to listen), but I think my greatest outlet has been here on LS. I think because she txted me on friday evening it opened up that can of worms that I was working really hard on shutting down, and then followed by the copiuos amounts of alcohol consumed didnt really help the situation, followed by I think a small acceptance that it was time to let go and start picking up the pieces of my life and putting them back together that really had me down yesterday. I am still not back to the way I was before she txted me, but I am getting there, still have alot of anxiety and keep on getting teary eyed but have made a resolve that I am going to see this through no matter what happens. She left me, she gave up, she quit, so its her loss not mine. Maybe you're letting go of the commitment, you feel ready to seek a new partner. Letting go of the commitment most definitely, ready to seek a new partner not quite yet. I think I need a few more months of solitary confinement and to find myself and realise what exactly it is that I want and who I am before I venture into the crazy world of seeing other people.
Author smk Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 smk, go read my thread am i glad to see you today... which one?
Thorgs Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 am i glad to see you today... which one? the last post in the one I started in 'second chances' How ya doing today?
Author smk Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 the last post in the one I started in 'second chances' How ya doing today? already found it - read my response.... not that much better then yesterday but pushing along... you???
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