desertfire Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I can't stop dwelling over an ex and am getting tired of it... It is an interesting story and I will share the summary... It is long but worth it. I posted in other forums here and there are other parts of the story around.. My wife decided to leave me 3 years ago and served me with papers within a matter of weeks. I was devastated that this happened after 8 years of good and happy marriage. I let a couple months go by and eventually succumbed to letting the divorce go through ad move on, signed papers and that was it. At about the same time I met this woman with which I ended up falling deeply and passionately in love with. She fit all of the possible prerequisites and was literally "perfect", even with her quirks.... about a month into our relationship, my "wife" found out she was pregnant, which threw things for a total spin. As a result of the pregnancy, she came to her senses and realized she was making a mistake. Sounds stereotypical , but in this case she had gone into a crisis due to hormonal imbalances (estrogen). I told the wife that I wanted to wait until after our son was born to actually see what was the case about potential reconciliation to give time. She agreed. In the meantime I was going along with my life and spending time in a relationship with the gf (other woman) and really was enjoying life for a change, doing things I wanted and liked, etc. It was a little challenging because I was sure I still wanted the divorce after being "dumped". My wife proceeded to take personally that I was seeing another woman and was invading my relationship with the gf. It created a lot of conflict in my new relationship. To relieve the conflict(s) I began to lie about my doings and whereabouts to keep a layer of separation so that I could see straight in all of this. It made things worse because, as we all know, lying is a infinite downward spiral and there is no way out of it. The relationship with the gf was fantastic. We shared a lot of commonality.. heritage, language , foods, places, and had a lot in common in both our sexual and personal preferences of things in lives. Practically 2 peas in a pod, and was too good to be true. As time went along, even though the gf and I had discussed how things would be with in light of my child being born, the gf started to develop into a different person. She slowly became a two-faced person, and I couldn't understand the shift in personality. When we met she originally had moved to Vegas to engage in her career because of opportunities. As her personality shifted, she was more and more caught up in her "needs/wants" and it was all about her being able to provide or be provided the things she needed. She was also going through a family crisis at the time, so I am not sure if that had an effect. In any case, I did not want to lose the gf and I was doing everything in my power to keep her from leaving. It was heart wrenching and difficult. I had to lie and also go out of my way to decompress the issue of my wife, which became an issue because when my wife found she was pregnant, she retracted the divorce papers, which made it my move to file. As time moved forward during th pregancy and seeing the overall shift in personality in my wife, I came to forgive the "hurt" I felt from her leaving me, which sent me in a tailspin because I also did not want to lose the gf. Now things turned into an "affair" and I did not know how to deal with it. Things started under a circumstance and ended in another. At one point my wife engaged with the gf to put the relationship to an end and I came home to find them together and I was put on the spot. I confessed to everything I had done and said. My wife was not angry or upset at anything, and actually, she was quite supportive of my feelings and emotions. I broke off with the gf at this point. I soon realized that the gf actually filled a void in my life that my wife couldn't. The gf relationship had an element of excitement and fun to it and I didn't want to let her go. I had my cake and wanted to eat it as well. This is where the dwelling/obsessing with the gf started. Over the next 6 months I basically led a dual life and reconnected with the gf. I was being the good husband/father on one end and a supportive bf on the other end. In the meantime I was consulting an attorney on how to proceed with a divorce to understand the details and fallout. Every time I was with the gf I wanted to have my wife around, and vice versa, which made it difficult to pull the trigger. I found over time that the relationship with my wife had a "value" component added to it that the gf didn't have. The gf made me feel good because I felt purposeful. My wife was loving and nurturing, the gf was fun and exciting.... The gf became quite sketchy and different, having moments of crisis and she began drinking and smoking on an increasing frequency. Also, at the same time an "ex" of the gf's came into the picture and began emailing me and texting me which became very disturbing. The final straw was the gf fabricating a pregnancy and approaching my wife with it to settle the relationship issues.... For that matter, it also appeared to me that my wife was in it with her to fabricate the pregnancy issue. I can see where the gf called in the "troops" to make me go away and then basically dropped a bomb on me to sway me one way or the other, or to just make me go away permanently. It was hurtful to see this level of action from the gf because I was being straight-forward with her in communicating over how things would work between us and how we would move forward. It bothered me that our conversations always followed a "You" (me) position rather than a "We" position, which added to my conflict in dealing with the gf. I was so emotionally caught up with everything that I failed to see the writing on the wall. The relationship was doomed. My weakness is likely the source and cause of of the results as well as my distress and I have been dwelling over the gf for a year now. The dwelling was slowly subsiding as time went by and not having any contact with her was a plus, until last week where we ran into eachother at a restaurant during lunch. We work in separate places with nothing in common, but we ran into eachother nonetheless. It was a matter of time and I thought I was prepared for it. I wasn't. I had this hard "knot" in my stomach and the anxiety has kicked in over the situation. She made absolutely no eye contact and it was like I practically didn't exist. She spoke to her co workers and they began scanning the floor and I caught them staring at me, which didn't make matters better either. I find that I continue to dwell on the gf, asking myself many questions about what I really saw in her, if I was caught up in what I wanted to believe in her and then later found her to not be the person I thought she was, or, perhaps that I was taken for a ride to help her find a job and get her situated. I also go through the what-if's, but they all end up not what I want, which is in-line with my decision to stay with my wife. I feel that I fell in love with a person, at a time of need, who became something else, and am still grasping at keeping the original image of the gf and dwell over her frequently. What can I do to resolve the dwelling and pain? I care for the xgf and do not want feel ill feelings in her regards or towards myself either, but have a hard time with it all. Please help... It almost feels like an addiction that I can't get over.
Author desertfire Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 I want to add that the relationship with the gf became quite conditional and uncompromising, making it difficult to deal with the issues.
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