e.clipse Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 it's 11:16 p.m. who needs a stethoscope when your heart is palpitating so hard, so fast, that you can hear it? i've been sitting here on my bed, crying, and listening to the same song since i found out that my love is leaving. for good. for truth. and the lyrics from the song . . . "Y es que empiezo a pensar, que el amor verdadero esta solo en el primero; Y es que empiezo a sospechar, que los demas son solo para olvidar" seem to have been written just for me, just for tonight. how did they know how i would feel tonight? how did they know how to voice the feelings that not even i knew i had? and why, as they sing, do the tears not stop? why is it suddenly so hard to breathe? i know, i know you all might thinking, "She still hasn't let that go?" and that i must be so pathetic for still clinging onto the memories of times that died long ago...and i am sorry, but i can't help it. to know that my ex-boyfriend, the only one i have ever hard...the only love i have ever known...is leaving next Sunday to another state...to know that there will be thousands of miles us...that i will be able to extend my hand, but will be unable to touch him...makes my whole body go numb. i can't believe it. he is leaving. that's it. in seven days, he will be gone. the boy...the boy i met in in 6th period biology class...the one who sat across the table from me...the one who would write me little notes...how can he go? i've known him for almost ten years now, and for all of them, his love and the love i have had for him is all that i know. yes, i have tried to delude myself into thinking that i have feelings for others. fleeting crushes i try to perpetrate if only to give myself hope that yes, i can have feelings for other men. but that is all they ever are...crushes. crushes that, more than anything, i build up so that people can stop asking, "How come you're not seeing anyone still? It's been a long time..." what am i supposed to do? i know, i know we broke up a year and a half ago and that our relationship was unhealthy, but how to i make my heart understand that? it has tried. why do i have to understand anything, anyway? why don't others try to understand instead? why don't they try to understand that he was such a huge, huge part of my life for so long...that i loved him with every ounce of my being, that he wove himself into my body in such a way that now, even though the thread is gone, the holes still remain... i am not even making sense. i've been crying so much that i actually feel dehydrated and my eyes are so swollen, i can barely see. i know that we are broken up. i know that we have been for over a year. i know all of this. but it doesn't matter. for a long time now, i had tried to accept my conclusion that he and i were just not meant to be. i even got to the point where i did not want to get back together with him because i felt things would be the same as they were, and i was tired of the hurt. but no matter how much he hurt me, i could never hate him. i always loved him. and i still do. i don't know if it romantic love now or what, but my god, do i love him. so much. i know he has always wanted to move, and i honestly am glad that he is going for his dream...it is amazing to me far he has come, how much he has changed...but the pain of knowing that i will go out and will not have a slight chance of running into him...that i can drive by his house, and he will never be there...that i will look for him everywhere, and know that he won't be there...it makes me feel physically sick. i don't even know what to say anymore.
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