Mr.Army Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Hello readers I'm a US army soldier stationed in iraq for the 3d time. My wife and I have been married for 4 years but have been partners and lovers for 10 we have a 3 year old daughter witch we both love a great deal......here is the problem . I have Never been the type of man to "snoop" when it come's to my wife NEVER!! . Last week I got off work came to my room and there was a instent message from her saying she was going to a movie with a GF witch is no big deal, but she was real quick to stop the conversation. after getting off messenger with her i started my normal night of pokerstars "its bad when you make more money online then the army " anyway, ,,,, all this time i had this gut renching feeling something was not right I could not put my finger on it . She told me the movie was going to be over around midnight For some reason I checked the time online and sure enough the movie started 1 hr earler and ended 1 her earler then she told me, my thoughts " no big deal" but something was still not sitting right with me . So as much as it pained me to do it i checked her yahoo email . There were about 30 msg's from this guy i could only read about 2 lines of the messages beacuse thay were Facebook messages . lets just say thay were ver erotic . My heart FEEL!!!! hit the damn floor !!! I started crying tears of heart ach witch lead to tears of anger. and all the msgs were from that day . I called her and blew up her phone she called back asking why i was blowing up her phone i threw up only 1 question "Who is _____________" she went silent . I told her i read the FB messages from him but only the ones that were sent to her Yahoo account . I stayed on the phone with her mostley in silance while she drove home her pleading thay were just "sexting" and it got out of hand that She would never do that to me swor on my marrige and my daughter 99.9%of me want to beleave her and 00.1% says screw this !! sorry im long winded In the messages thay were going to meet on his boat that night ...she says she was at the movies and the next day there was a debit from the theater on our online banking I want some advise on how i can trust her I love her very much but now this is all i can think about and i still have 4 1/2 months over here !!! please help if you can Also, not once in 10 years has she gave me a reason not to trust her.She is the mother of my child, my partner, lover and best friend please help me
Jilly Bean Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 You said this happened last week - have you spoken to your wife since?
SpanksTheMonkey Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 sorry im long winded In the messages thay were going to meet on his boat that night ...she says she was at the movies and the next day there was a debit from the theater on our online banking I want some advise on how i can trust her I love her very much but now this is all i can think about and i still have 4 1/2 months over here !!! please help if you can Also, not once in 10 years has she gave me a reason not to trust her.She is the mother of my child, my partner, lover and best friend please help me Hi Army 1st off welcome to LS 2ed im so sorry to hear this its hard enough for service men to be so far away from home and then to have to deal with this to boot! I can't Imagen what you must be feeling. Now to my thoughts on your situation well those messages are bad im not going to lie to you. It means shes having sexual thoughts about another man I don't believe sexting is ever innocent ive never done it with any of my friends. That said the fact that the movie debit was on your account is a good sign maybe she couldn't go thu with the meet up. So their maybe hope yet you two need to start open honest communication ASAP and remind her that you only have another 4 1/2 month's to go and then you guys can be back together. Hopefully she can be strong until then don't give up hope! While I do think there are def red flags I don't think all is lost yet best of luck and keep posting there is allot of good people here who can help support you thu this..
Author Mr.Army Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 thank you for your reply . the fact is it happened and i want to get over it . we are honest with each other very honest . I think in the 10 years tht we have been with eachother we have scremed at one another 3 times we talk to each onther like adults not like high school kids . We have talked about want happened to very long lenghts in fact the 3 days after it happened we spent atotal of about 20 hrs on skype talking .The qustion i pose to you all is could you contnue to trust your lover the way you did before it happened ?
JustJoe Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Dude, former Ist Cav, here. The first thing you need to do is notify somebody you trust. A friend, or relative (parent) , who can go to her and find out what is going on. Tell them of your suspicions, and make sure they are on your side. "Sexting", isn't innocent, she is thinking about another guy, and you need to be pro-active to nip it in the bud. Tell her that you need her to be completely transparent and that you will require ALL of her passwords, and she must cease ALL communication with the guy or you will get a lawyer. All Posts/units have counselors and lawyers available for marital problems, seek them out and get all the info you need to stay on top of the situation. Good Luck, Pal!!
JustJoe Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Dude, you must make her understand that she will have to earn back your trust. By being completely transparent, and by not having ANYTHING to do with any Guy until you get home. Period!!!
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 thank you for your reply . the fact is it happened and i want to get over it . we are honest with each other very honest . I think in the 10 years tht we have been with eachother we have scremed at one another 3 times we talk to each onther like adults not like high school kids . We have talked about want happened to very long lenghts in fact the 3 days after it happened we spent atotal of about 20 hrs on skype talking .The qustion i pose to you all is could you contnue to trust your lover the way you did before it happened ? What has she done to start rebuilding trust? The more things you have to ask for, the less trustworthy she actually is... Do you get that? Seriously... you won't be able to really deal with this until you get back. Do you have anyone you trust that would help you out? Also, you now need access to all phone records, all of her email accounts, her facebook, myspace, IM.... ect.
BellaBellaBella Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I would have her give you all the passwords to all accounts. Make her send a no contact letter to this guy, that you mail. Then tell her you expect her to take a polygraph when you come home. See what she says then. JMO
Pyro Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I can relate to your story. Years ago an ex of mine cheated on me and like you I had a bad feeling and after some searching online I was able to figure it out. Like you asked her straight up who he was and she was silent. Like you I was devestated and I also wanted to try and work on things. Your trust for her has gone away and that is going to take time to get back, which is normal but she has to be willing to want to work things out as well and that includes her being open with you. Its been suggested already but emails, phone bills, etc. She is going to have to be patient with you as you attempt to gain her trust back. What ended it for my ex and I was her lack of patience with me which led to her not wanting to open up to me. She didn't want to share emails or anything so it ended there. You need to ask yourself if there is a chance to be able to fully trust her again. Thoughts that could go through your mind may be what she does for these next 4.5 months, and if she is going to create a new email and/or FB account. If you want things to work out then I hope that they do for you. Good luck.
Tony T Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Somewhere in the back of your mind you didn't trust her anyway or you wouldn't have had the presence of mind to so quickly investigate her Facebook account. LOTS of people get caught there. OK, realisitically, it's hard for a female to do without male companionship for long periods of time...although very possible. If anything did happen, I'm sure she did not think of it as a permanent thing but just a little temporary deal. So many people, male and female, have those "temporary" deals. Can you forgive and forget? I think she's human, I think you love her and now that you've caught her I think she feels like total crap. Most likely she won't do it again. Then again, if she does, the messages won't be on Facebook. It's your call. This may just have to wait until you get back stateside. Meanwhile, talk to your commander and you can possibly arrange to go back for a while. It's really hard to function when something like this is on your mind.
lkjh Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Sorry you are going through this. I hope it works out for you. Also, don't just take her word and let her know that you dont trust her now. When people do stuff like this, they change and cannot be trusted Im really sorry you are going through this
phineas Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 When I caught my wife doing the same thing, she just hid it better. secret e-mail account, her own phone plan, ect. That was a little over a yr ago. She's living with the guy now & the divorce papers are signed.
Jilly Bean Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 YES. I do think you can rebuild trust in this situation. You sound like you've had a very solid and healthy relationship for many years. Has your wife said why this happened? Thing is, if she's not aware of what set this off for her, she can't prevent it in the future. Talk about THAT.
JustJoe Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Dude, all of the things I've told you, are for your peace -of- mind. You really can't make any decisions now, so you need to be aware of what she is doing, while your away. Right now, your trust is broken, so you need somebody you CAN trust to let you know if she is still in contact with the OM. Somebody who has YOUR best interests at heart, and who is willing to act on YOUR behalf. Remember, verification, verification, verification. She has shown untrustworthiness, so she needs to prove that this was a one- time thing and that she CAN be trusted , in the future. Then after you get home, you can deal with it in person.
Author Mr.Army Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 YES. I do think you can rebuild trust in this situation. You sound like you've had a very solid and healthy relationship for many years. Has your wife said why this happened? Thing is, if she's not aware of what set this off for her, she can't prevent it in the future. Talk about THAT. Yes she has ...it started with seeing someone she new from high school he sayed "your just as great looking as you were then" for a woman that has had her hubby deployed 3 out of the last 5 years i can see why this "caught her eye" . About a week later there was a friends request from him on her facebook. The night before that I got her really worked up over skype "skypesex" but nither of us were able to finish beacuse my daughter woke up . He started sending her erotic email soon after that ....... For everyone that says get passwords to every account she has .......I have had her passwords for everything we use the same one thats the kind of trust we have . I have made up my mind and its set she had a laps of jugement and did someting she should not have done ..As for someone telling me that she needs to submit to a polygraph??????????? OMFG . She has sence deleted her facebook account beacuse she says she only wants famley to contact her and in her words " everyone that i careabout is in my phone " BTW witch is in my name and i get detaled bill info via email every month nothing there . ... I will continue to post thank you all for your help and understanding
lkjh Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Its good that you still trust her but be careful about being to trusting. Most likely there are things she has not told you. If you want dig, if not that is your choice Either way good luck and once again im sorry you are going through this
Jilly Bean Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Army - do you feel in your gut she is genuinely remorseful? You seem to have good instincts, so if you feel she got carried away, has now been snapped back into reality, and that shes being clean with you, then I think this is something you both will work towards putting behind you.
Author Mr.Army Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 Army - do you feel in your gut she is genuinely remorseful? You seem to have good instincts, so if you feel she got carried away, has now been snapped back into reality, and that shes being clean with you, then I think this is something you both will work towards putting behind you. Jilly, yes i do feel that way trust me if i had that feeling like "something is still not right" I would be the first to call it quits !! beacuse i have came to the conclusion that I will always love her but also I dont have to be married to be a GREAT father and ATM i want to be a great father and husban...its going to take time but i know we will make it past all this ....at lest im not one of the guys that thinks "now i got a get out of jail free card " anyway ttyl ........thats talk to yall later .......thats right im a georgia boy !!!!
jnj express Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Your wife may have good intentions about her mge. etc., but she has way too much free time---so she is getting herself into trouble. You need to make her get off ALL social websites, and I mean all---If she doesn't like it, that's too bad---she can't be trusted and you know it---she can tell you anything she wants, but being you are half a world away, you have no way of checking---so her good faith to you and the mge., is to get off of, and close out all social websites. As for her phone---same thing---the only thing that should be on her phone are basic phone calls she needs for her family, and her girlfriends----she should never be talking to males at all Cheaters, are masters of deceit, and manipulation----You may think you can believe and trust her---but the facts are facts and close to 50% of all mge's involve adultery----you need to stay on top of this, and do not just sweep it under the rug. Remember she was going to go spend time on a boat with this guy----and believe me you would have never known about it-----You need to take a hardline, and don't back down. She has to get off the social websites, and do whatever else you think is necessary to stay out of harms way.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Yes she has ...it started with seeing someone she new from high school he sayed "your just as great looking as you were then" for a woman that has had her hubby deployed 3 out of the last 5 years i can see why this "caught her eye" . About a week later there was a friends request from him on her facebook. The night before that I got her really worked up over skype "skypesex" but nither of us were able to finish beacuse my daughter woke up . He started sending her erotic email soon after that ....... For everyone that says get passwords to every account she has .......I have had her passwords for everything we use the same one thats the kind of trust we have . I have made up my mind and its set she had a laps of jugement and did someting she should not have done ..As for someone telling me that she needs to submit to a polygraph??????????? OMFG . She has sence deleted her facebook account beacuse she says she only wants famley to contact her and in her words " everyone that i careabout is in my phone " BTW witch is in my name and i get detaled bill info via email every month nothing there . ... I will continue to post thank you all for your help and understanding This is very encouraging! I think she just needs some attention and you can't provide it right now. Just put it on a countdown until you get home. She has waited before and I think she will wait again. Best of Luck to you!
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