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Does love = neediness?

GreenEyedLady

By GreenEyedLady
in The Other Man / Woman

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GreenEyedLady Established Member

GreenEyedLady

Posted
Posted

I was reading another thread and this came up in a post.

 

Loosely paraphrased:

 

"Maybe all this love is really neediness."

 

What do you think?

 

I'll reserve my own comments for later. :D

 

GEL

TOWinNYC Established Member

TOWinNYC

Posted
Posted

Well, Erich Fromm said:

 

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you'. Mature love says: 'I need you because I love you'.

 

Just because you need somebody because you love them doesn't mean it's "neediness" per se. IMO.

  • Like 1
pureinheart Established Member

pureinheart

Posted
Posted
I was reading another thread and this came up in a post.

 

Loosely paraphrased:

 

"Maybe all this love is really neediness."

 

What do you think?

 

I'll reserve my own comments for later. :D

 

GEL

 

Wow, interesting quote...I agree and disagree.

 

I agree that (and will only refer to myself) I need love, although I don't see myself as needy and I believe there is a difference.

 

I see "needy" where love is concerned (not the needy like needing food, shelter etc.) as someone who has been hurt deeply and never trained to be independant, as in not taking responsibility for oneself. Seeing the OP as their saviour, having little or no life and very dependant. There is usually much manipulation and an inability to let the said party go...a lot of guilt trips.

 

I need to be loved, although there are limitations. I also need respect and to respect myself...if this is not happening then the need for love must be put on a shelf until the right time for it to be taken down. I love to be in love, although will not manipulate another to love me. If it isn't given freely then I don't want it:)

 

Very interesting topic GEL:)

OWoman Established Member

OWoman

Posted
Posted

I love my H, but I can't say I really need him. After all, I managed just fine for decades without him... He's definitely the icing on the cake, and I wouldn't willingly give him up - but I would survive.

 

I choose him because I want him, not because I need him. But I also know that if he was just a decoration in my life, he'd feel spare and disposable, and that's not good either. He needs to feel he plays a useful and important role - so his feeling valued, loved, and - yes - needed, are important for the R.

seren Established Member

seren

Posted
Posted
Well, Erich Fromm said:

 

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you'. Mature love says: 'I need you because I love you'.

 

Just because you need somebody because you love them doesn't mean it's "neediness" per se. IMO.

 

I agree with this quote. I don't need H for everyday stuff, don't need him for me to survive. But, my life would be so much less without his love. Hmm, on thinking as I type I realise that since his A, I have needed validation more, but this is more to do with my self esteem taking a battering and my needing to feel loved by him, whereas before his love for me was more taken, not so much for granted, but as a given.

 

While I think that early love is all about giddiness and sparkly emotion, I value long standing love as it surounds me in a more, ah there you are, sort of way. H describes it as wanting to crawl under my skin, a need to be as close to me as he can get, which is wonderful. I don't see love as neediness more that having experienced the love that I have, that my life would be duller without it. Sort of like with love, there is a sparkle to my day, without it, my day would be good, but a wee bit duller around the edges. I know I have probably not answered the OP question, but am rambling as per usual and having a loved up day!

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted
I love my H, but I can't say I really need him. After all, I managed just fine for decades without him... He's definitely the icing on the cake, and I wouldn't willingly give him up - but I would survive. I choose him because I want him, not because I need him. But I also know that if he was just a decoration in my life, he'd feel spare and disposable, and that's not good either. He needs to feel he plays a useful and important role - so his feeling valued, loved, and - yes - needed, are important for the R.

 

Please explain how you accomplish this.

SidLyon Established Member

SidLyon

Posted
Posted
I was reading another thread and this came up in a post.

 

Loosely paraphrased:

 

"Maybe all this love is really neediness."

 

What do you think?

 

I'll reserve my own comments for later. :D

 

GEL

 

I believe in evolution which means I think that love in humans has evolved because the human species survives better with it, than without it.

 

Human babies need the care of their parents to survive beyond infancy so feelings of love by parents towards their offspring have evolved. All in the interests of perpetuating the species. So in a biological sense neediness and love go together. I am not using neediness in a pejorative way in saying this. In more traditional societies women with babies needed the support of men. This was for the good of the whole tribe/group/family/society whether or not they existed in modern-day nuclear families. Groups of humans with a balance and contribution of both genders reproduced and survived better than those that did not have that balance and contribution.

 

Humans are social mammals which is why most of us are so distressed when excluded from a group.

 

So in a nutshell love has derived and evolved from the human need to be cared for by each other. As a species we do better with love.

 

BTW I saw the movie 'Creation' about Charles Darwin the other night - it was quite good. I also read Richard Dawkins with enjoyment.

fooled once Established Member

fooled once

Posted
Posted
I was reading another thread and this came up in a post.

 

Loosely paraphrased:

 

"Maybe all this love is really neediness."

 

What do you think?

 

I'll reserve my own comments for later. :D

 

GEL

 

Depends on the situation. If someone can't be alone, can't be with just themselves and NEED someone else, then I call that neediness.

 

I don't NEED my husband -- I want and love him. I don't NEED anyone.

 

Make sense?

jwi71 Established Member

jwi71

Posted
Posted
I was reading another thread and this came up in a post.

 

Loosely paraphrased:

 

"Maybe all this love is really neediness."

 

What do you think?

 

I'll reserve my own comments for later. :D

 

GEL

 

Being in or seeking love is the best part of the human condition. I personally believe we are wired for it. To enjoy it when we have it, to seek it when we do not.

 

I will reject the interpretation of neediness as a pejorative here.

But heartily embrace the interpretation as something sought after at an instinctual level (like needing food or water).

 

Life would not be worth living w/o love. I can't even imagine it.

sadintexas Established Member

sadintexas

Posted
Posted

I think that healthly love does not equal neediness. I sometimes think that neediness is masked as love however, by those who do not know the difference.

Mimolicious Established Member

Mimolicious

Posted
Posted

A "needy" person expects to receive. "Love" is not just a one-way street.

We love many things that perhaps we dont even have in our everyday life.

If you think about it, "wanting" love from a person is a "need" in itself.

 

In reality, do we "need" love? Yes. Do we "want" to feel loved? Who wouldn't! Is the greatest feeling in the world. Am I a "needy" person? No. I can live without it for the time being and due to circumstances but when it arrives, I will know that is here and will want and need to hold on to the feeling for as long as I can. :love:

BB07 Established Member

BB07

Posted
Posted

With all the recent happenings in my life, I have so many questions and mostly no answers, but something that resonates with me about why mm did what he did to me is the possibility of a huge need in him. Something in him.......needed me to love him. I'm wondering if that wasn't the driving force for him.....a deep need to have me and others love him no matter what the cost was for others, he had to have this need met. When I look back at the history, I see so many times when he had numerous opportunities to be rid of me.....but he always came back, for more pieces of me. :confused:

pureinheart Established Member

pureinheart

Posted
Posted
I believe in evolution which means I think that love in humans has evolved because the human species survives better with it, than without it.

 

Human babies need the care of their parents to survive beyond infancy so feelings of love by parents towards their offspring have evolved. All in the interests of perpetuating the species. So in a biological sense neediness and love go together. I am not using neediness in a pejorative way in saying this. In more traditional societies women with babies needed the support of men. This was for the good of the whole tribe/group/family/society whether or not they existed in modern-day nuclear families. Groups of humans with a balance and contribution of both genders reproduced and survived better than those that did not have that balance and contribution.

 

Humans are social mammals which is why most of us are so distressed when excluded from a group.

 

So in a nutshell love has derived and evolved from the human need to be cared for by each other. As a species we do better with love.

 

BTW I saw the movie 'Creation' about Charles Darwin the other night - it was quite good. I also read Richard Dawkins with enjoyment.

 

Being in or seeking love is the best part of the human condition. I personally believe we are wired for it. To enjoy it when we have it, to seek it when we do not.

 

I will reject the interpretation of neediness as a pejorative here.

But heartily embrace the interpretation as something sought after at an instinctual level (like needing food or water).

 

Life would not be worth living w/o love. I can't even imagine it.

 

There have been studies done that concluded that M'ed people are healthier, meaning people in romantic R's...I chose the M'ed term because I enjoy commitment.

 

These are both really good responses as the others in this thread...JW, I have to say, am totally impressed and encouraged due to the lack of emotional involvement is see in some of the men I have encountered...you are emotionally there and that is good:)

RedDevil66 Established Member

RedDevil66

Posted
Posted

Everything in our living world is based on "love". Love is genetically coded into all living things to survive.

Plants need water, flowers need sun, animals need petting etc. All acts of "love"

 

Neediness is subjective and relative. If someone is acting out of desperation for a man/woman's love, that is more about codependence and not interdependence and yes neediness.

 

If a human is looking to fit into the "pack" since we are pack animals, then no, it's not neediness.

 

good topic

lolalove Member

lolalove

Posted
Posted

When we have love, sometimes we take it for granted, but when it's gone, we see just how much we need it.

  • Author
GreenEyedLady Established Member

GreenEyedLady

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Being in or seeking love is the best part of the human condition. I personally believe we are wired for it. To enjoy it when we have it, to seek it when we do not.

 

I will reject the interpretation of neediness as a pejorative here.

But heartily embrace the interpretation as something sought after at an instinctual level (like needing food or water).

 

Life would not be worth living w/o love. I can't even imagine it.

 

This post really speaks to me.

 

I think you have really put into words, what's in my heart.

 

Thank you for this truly enlightening post.

 

GEL

  • Author
GreenEyedLady Established Member

GreenEyedLady

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Depends on the situation. If someone can't be alone, can't be with just themselves and NEED someone else, then I call that neediness.

 

I don't NEED my husband -- I want and love him. I don't NEED anyone.

 

Make sense?

 

It does make sense. And when I first read it, I thought I agreed with it.

 

And then I look at my H and I do NEED him. I love him, I want him and I need him. He is part of me now.

 

I don't need him to pay my way or raise my children or be by my side 24 hours a day, but I need him to be my friend, my lover, my partner.

 

And of course I don't mean that if something happened and he passed away or we divorced, I'd kill myself or anything, but there would be a deep void. There would be that need unfulfilled that I think JW illustrated so eloquently.

 

Humans do need each other. And I don't think that means they are needy. Needy is self-seeking, obsessive, compulsive, destructive.

 

But love is all that is good. Love puts others first and is what keeps people together.

 

IMHO

 

GEL

pureinheart Established Member

pureinheart

Posted
Posted
Everything in our living world is based on "love". Love is genetically coded into all living things to survive.

Plants need water, flowers need sun, animals need petting etc. All acts of "love"

 

Neediness is subjective and relative. If someone is acting out of desperation for a man/woman's love, that is more about codependence and not interdependence and yes neediness.

 

If a human is looking to fit into the "pack" since we are pack animals, then no, it's not neediness.

 

good topic

 

Good response:D

pureinheart Established Member

pureinheart

Posted
Posted
This post really speaks to me.

 

I think you have really put into words, what's in my heart.

 

Thank you for this truly enlightening post.

 

GEL

 

(JW's post)

 

Ya I hear ya GEL, it did me too:D

SidLyon Established Member

SidLyon

Posted
Posted
Hello, I want to share something I can help many in need. A friend I contacted a woman named Daniel David, which makes charms for love and happiness. I never believed such nonsense, but when a desperate man is ready for anything.

This day that I met her my life turned. Not only me but my daughter. We never walked into anything after she made the second amulet for us, our lives are turned. Whether it was mental attitude or amulets, and indeed have power, I do not know, but podeystvaha. Both of us started to walk in love, work in everything. I can not describe my happiness, this woman is amazing. To not do advertising, will not give phone or email, type in google Daniel David will find it. Good luck.

 

Hmm this seems to make a lot of sense - not.

In_Repair Established Member

In_Repair

Posted
Posted

JWI's post was worded nicely.

 

You can live without it, but you will still feel the need for it. The better question is the one that cannot be answered: What is love, and why do we need it? Are we all simply driven by a base need to procreate and prosper, and "love" is simply a man made society driven concept to simultaneously promote and control procreation, and we have all been brainwashed? Or is it some divine gift from somewhere?

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

Posted
Posted

Love is being needed, giving of ones self

It is also vulnerability but neediness, I really don't think so..

 

To me neediness falls in the insecurity zone.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted (edited)
Love is being needed, giving of ones self

It is also vulnerability but neediness, I really don't think so..

 

To me neediness falls in the insecurity zone.

 

Yes, I agree there is a difference between needing love, and neediness.

 

There are times in my marriage/life when I feel needy. It is an uncomfortable feeling. At those times, I cling to my H in bed and say something like "I'm feeling needy right now." It is not more normal state of love (which does include needing him in my life and our family). Neediness is a feeling I experience when something (usually something inside me) is "off".

 

eta....neediness, ime, is when the love I need is there, but I still feel "needy". I need extra reassurance of what I already know: I am loved and desired. For me, it is an occasional feeling.

Edited by xxoo
In_Repair Established Member

In_Repair

Posted
Posted (edited)
Love is being needed, giving of ones self

It is also vulnerability but neediness, I really don't think so..

 

To me neediness falls in the insecurity zone.

 

If love is: being needed and the giving of one's self to that need, how can love not be about neediness?

 

I have to disagree. I think the giving of one's self is done in an attempt to have our own needs met. In earlier civilizations, there was usually no giving of one's self. You took who you wanted. Later on, you bought the best bride you could afford. In modern society, we win our mates by showering them with "love"... Did love not exist in those earlier times? Are we to assume that there was never any love that developed from all of the class based pre-arranged weddings that happened throughout history, where the union often revolved around the family's needs, and not even the individual needs of the marriage partners? Or is modern love simply an illusion? Do we do this dance because society tells us to, or because we want to? Are there really "soulmates", or do you run across ten other people on a daily basis that you could be just as happy with, if the opportunity presented itself?

 

Sorry, I ramble. I might be pondering all of this a little late in life, but my last girlfriend raised so many questions within myself regarding this issue, that it's hard for me to wrap my head around anymore. I enjoy the feelings of love and having someone there, but she has just knocked the wind out of me. I haven't had sex in about three months now, which seems like the longest dry spell since I was fifteen... yet I really have no desire to seek out another woman even to just fill my sexual needs. Except for the time while I was married, I've jumped on every good opportunity that has presented itself. Loving blindly, and relatively happy. But now, after having my heart ripped out by two different women in a two year period, I'm questioning everyones motives. WHY???

Edited by In_Repair
I'm stupid and needed to fix some crap
wheelwright Established Member

wheelwright

Posted
Posted
Wow, interesting quote...I agree and disagree.

 

I agree that (and will only refer to myself) I need love, although I don't see myself as needy and I believe there is a difference.

 

I see "needy" where love is concerned (not the needy like needing food, shelter etc.) as someone who has been hurt deeply and never trained to be independant, as in not taking responsibility for oneself. Seeing the OP as their saviour, having little or no life and very dependant. There is usually much manipulation and an inability to let the said party go...a lot of guilt trips.

 

I need to be loved, although there are limitations. I also need respect and to respect myself...if this is not happening then the need for love must be put on a shelf until the right time for it to be taken down. I love to be in love, although will not manipulate another to love me. If it isn't given freely then I don't want it:)

 

Very interesting topic GEL:)

 

Before I read the rest of the thread, have to say beautifu post.

 

What you say about the balance between love and the need for respect resonates with me.

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