Msak89 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 This past thursday the divorce he filed was final. We'd been married for four years. He's been in Colorado, I've been in Alaska. We met through our jobs. We both work for the same federal bureau. He'd left his first marriage to be with me. He convinced me that we should marry sooner rather than later, and not extend an engagement. Fully knowing I had a 16/17 yr old son I wanted to get through his final year in High school, we were married, just knowing it would not be long till we would really start a life together under one roof. We managed to see one another about every three months...Starting each day with a devotional and ending each day with the sound of eachother's voice. He at first arranged a flex location agreement with his boss, but my supervisor was a real pill. She did not make him feel welcome. Needless to say, he stopped doing the flex location thing. Because of this All of our visits were not exactly perfect., he'd have fits of rage. After returning he later started messing with other women, online porn, drinking excessively and eventually match.com. He'd decided he couldn't cope anymore and filed for divorce. He filed a year ago.The first time, he withdrew the petition three months later. Said he wanted and needed me. - And I needed him too. We wanted to be together. I was pressing hard to find work there where he was. (I've four years left till I qualify to retire with full benefits;even if the feds didn't pay my move, I needed to not quit my job, but transfer). That did not end up being such an easy thing to do. Last June, I went to CO to re-unite and rekindle our marriage. It seemingly was a wonderful time. Except for an incident about a silk shirt I'd brought him So he takes me back to the airport around 9p Sunday. By the time I get to work on Monday, there is an e-mail waiting for me from a woman who says he'd shown up at her door (unannounced) not even 15min after he'd left me at the airport, telling her how much he'd missed her;(after the first time he'd filed, he immediately moved in with this lady. Trying to move quickly into another relationship (match.com). He later left her and returned to his house to be reconciled with me. ) she went on to say further in her e-mail he'd been calling her the entire time I was there, and she for the first time felt sorry for me. She ran him off. I confronted him about this e-mail. Our small group confronted him also. I was devastated. (should I have expected it?) He's gone. I'm still in love with him. Is it worth it? My heart is what's suffering. He didn't treat me nice sometimes. Why did I continue to remain committed, and faithful? I feel responsible.
aerogurl87 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 (edited) He'd left his first marriage to be with me. He convinced me that we should marry sooner rather than later, and not extend an engagement. Red flag. All of our visits were not exactly perfect., he'd have fits of rage. Another red flag After returning he later started messing with other women, online porn, drinking excessively and eventually match.com. He'd decided he couldn't cope anymore and filed for divorce. Even more red flags and wow, he did all this before realising he couldn't cope with the distance. Seems a bit backwards to me. By the time I get to work on Monday, there is an e-mail waiting for me from a woman who says he'd shown up at her door (unannounced) not even 15min after he'd left me at the airport, telling her how much he'd missed her;(after the first time he'd filed, he immediately moved in with this lady. Trying to move quickly into another relationship (match.com). He later left her and returned to his house to be reconciled with me. ) Another red flag PLUS a trend emerging. Seems your ex hubby is a serial monogamist who likes to swing from one relationship to another while having his hand still on his old relationship before moving completely on to a new one. Is it worth it? My heart is what's suffering. He didn't treat me nice sometimes. Why did I continue to remain committed, and faithful? I feel responsible. And this is where I'd like to send a virtual shake up to you and let you reread all that I highlighted. Do you really think a man like that is worth it? So what he was nice sometimes, my ex was nice sometimes too but being called a b*tch, slut, whore, and being told to f*ck off while he went to go have cyber sex with random girls wasn't exactly the best way to say I love you. Actions speak louder than words, and I know your hurting now and that your looking at all the good and none of the bad now, but you need to change your thinking. This is one of the few times in life where you need to focus on the negative instead of the positive. When you can start seeing him through the eyes of reality and not the love tarnished lenses you're wearing now, you'll wonder what was wrong with you and why you wasted 4 years of your life on this jerk. Edited July 26, 2010 by aerogurl87
Author Msak89 Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 I went back and read your response at least four times. Moved to tears I choked out loud each word. As I sit there thinking about red flags, I know there were even more At 50 yrs. old. I feel like an idiot. I'm beginning my life over. Damn ! God bless you for being gentle when shaking.
IfiKnewThen Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 i am in my 50s too. its not easy. it stinks. if you ever want to talk you can private message me. i too was in a LDR . it was unlike your situation , but the bottom line is pain and sadness. can relate. i was with him for 10 years and was promised forever...
aerogurl87 Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Msak89 just trying to be helpful and 50 isn't too late to start your life over. You can find true love at any age, you just have to keep looking and remember YOU ARE WORTH IT and will NOT settle for less than what you want AND deserve in a relationship. Good luck!
Author Msak89 Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 This "Christian" counselor my ex and I saw a few times (His perspective)t he said nothing -I believe that HE was never able to fully forgive himself for divorcing His First Wife and it tormented him. Even though it was not because of you, he was reminded of what he did when he was with you. - He was on edge around you because of it and he took it out on you. Had the relationship continued it would only have gotten worse -I think there was no way out for you to not be in pain from all this. The divorce is painful and I think any life you had with him would have been very painful also. -He abused you physically and verbally and I think it would have gotten worse Amazing
Recommended Posts