aeren944 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 (edited) Well, I think I'm about a little over 3 months into this... I've lost count. I guess that's a good thing. I'm starting to realize the pain's no longer about her. I'm starting to see that its a GOOD thing she's not in my life now, and it sucks that she'll always be there cuz of the kids... but I still miss the ideal of her. Been self-medicating pretty heavily, though... well, "heavily" is relative... I've been popping Xanax like candy, though they're a low dose, I took 1 every 4 hours for a while there. Been smoking a lot of weed, too. So, I'm generally walking around in a gentle haze most days... I watch House and I wonder if it's anything like that character... Met a girl online a month or so ago, and she says she fell in love with me. I live in Arizona, she lives in Tennessee. I welcomed the attention, but now she wants to come out... and I'm scared. I'm not ready, I don't think... even though I'm really ****ing lonely. She had plans to come out tomorrow, and I just texted her and said I was scared and I didn't know if I wanted her to come. She was pissed... but I don't know what to do. She seems really cool, but I'm not attracted at all to her, and I almost think she's only ACTING that way to get my attention. So, I don't know if anyone's gone through that sort of thing lately, but I could use some advice on that... Anyway, so I'm existing in a gentle haze, which ain't so bad. Ex took the kids to her parents' for the week, she'll be getting back tonight. I keep picturing her getting back to her girlfriend and ****ing kissing or whatever-the-****. So, no kids this week... I'm sure my ex will be partying it up... and I'll be alone still. I'm starting to make a tiny bit of progress in accepting myself, and enjoying the solitude... but its very tiny. Most of the time I'm just lonely and useless, but at least at peace because I retard my mind with Xanax and pot. It helps not to feel the pain so bad... Anyway, I'd wanted to post for a while now, cuz I've been having some rough days lately, just didn't have the strength. This healing... this coping... its a b*tch... Sometimes, you feel like you're finally on top, then the next moment, you're on your knees... I've been realizing that I've got a core fear, or a core belief... that I'm unlovable. I know, in my head, it's not true. My mom loves me, my kids love me, blah blah blah... but everything that motivates my actions does so because I don't want to be unlovable... I don't want to be alone. Its a hardcore thought... and part of it comes from my ex. She chipped away over the years, until she'd finally stripped my confidence and my REAL self away from me... and now those memories are programmed into me, and I act as if they're true... even though they aren't. I want a new girlfriend... but I think because I'm scared to be alone... I want someone to love me or something. There's no way I could be my true self, the happy me, right now... so it wouldn't be fair or real. But, I'm scared that I'll never be able to move on... without some crutch, like Xanax or pot helping me. I mentioned House before. I keep watching older episodes of that on TV. It's pretty much the only thing I watch when I do watch TV. He pops Vicodin like a mofo, drinks, does whatever drug he can do to help him deal with his "pain"... which essentially, is the same pain we're all experiencing here. I'm not saying I'm a genius or anything, I'm saying maybe that's what I'm doing. Maybe I'm slowly just sliding into this drug induced haze and that's where I'll stay... cuz it's damn comfy here. And it helps me escape the pain. Does anyone understand what I'm talking about? And any advice on the Tennessee girl would be nice... Edited July 26, 2010 by aeren944
spriggig Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 First, one of the side-effects of Xanax is "talkativeness" but now she wants to come out... and I'm scared. I'm not ready, I don't think... even though I'm really ****ing lonely. Anyway, about the girl, you already know you shouldn't see her, UNLESS it's just to hook up and she knows that ahead of time. Certainly don't send her any money to make the trip--that's too close to something else you shouldn't do either.
GrayClouds Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 (edited) I tell you what when you start becoming the worlds great doctor your self medicating will be romantic but until then it is just sad. Get off the drugs, start facing your life, that includes not using some girl your not attracted to as a distraction. Its time to do some real work on yourself. Courage is doing something in the face of fear. Its time to show courage. Edited July 26, 2010 by GrayClouds
spriggig Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Oh, Oh! Right! Just say no to drugs. And, don't use that poor girl, you won't respect yourself in the morning.
mickleb Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Yes, aeren, the drug-use is problematic. You need to get a plan together to work your way off doing that. I keep asking you if you're being honest with your doctor about your self-medicating but you don't seem to think that question is relevant..? You should be investing the cash you're putting into the drugs and the effort you're putting into the girl into some serious therapy with a professional who works for you. You know you are avoiding the real issues, the reality. You know you can't do that forever. You HAVE to be completely honest with the girl. I am, acutally, impressed with what you said to her. If you are as honest as that at all times with her, it really is her choice if she wants to stick by you at this time. It's not necessarily how you build a strong foundation, though. She may well be resentful of helping you through, if she toughs it out. It depends how honest she can be with herself. Do not lead her on. In any way. Be very aware of the impression you're giving her with your words. Check with her what she thinks the situation is, if you're not sure. But, like I said, sounds to me you're using her and the dope/Xanax in place of taking a good, hard look at how you got to be where you are and what you can do to be where you want to be. TELL YOUR DOCTOR what you are taking. Don't end up a big, chemical mess. Be careful. x
Author aeren944 Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 (edited) Yes, aeren, the drug-use is problematic. You need to get a plan together to work your way off doing that. I keep asking you if you're being honest with your doctor about your self-medicating but you don't seem to think that question is relevant..? You should be investing the cash you're putting into the drugs and the effort you're putting into the girl into some serious therapy with a professional who works for you. You know you are avoiding the real issues, the reality. You know you can't do that forever. You HAVE to be completely honest with the girl. I am, acutally, impressed with what you said to her. If you are as honest as that at all times with her, it really is her choice if she wants to stick by you at this time. It's not necessarily how you build a strong foundation, though. She may well be resentful of helping you through, if she toughs it out. It depends how honest she can be with herself. Do not lead her on. In any way. Be very aware of the impression you're giving her with your words. Check with her what she thinks the situation is, if you're not sure. But, like I said, sounds to me you're using her and the dope/Xanax in place of taking a good, hard look at how you got to be where you are and what you can do to be where you want to be. TELL YOUR DOCTOR what you are taking. Don't end up a big, chemical mess. Be careful. x Ok, I understand what you're saying, mickleb. I really don't want to tell my doctor about any illegal drug use. I don't want to get in trouble, and I need the REAL medication. But, I must admit, out of all of it, the pot helps the most. I know people will say its because it numbs me or whatever, but it doesn't matter, it makes me feel better the most out of all the pills he's having me take. I've actually slowed way down on the Xanax, and I don't feel any worse, really. I was forced to see my ex last night so I took one before she came by, and it helped. But, honestly, I don't want any ripples in the water with my doctor or illegal drug use. So, I am VERY hesitant to speak with him about it. I went ahead and ditched the girl. Basically, I was still honest with her and told her I'm still screwed up from the 8 year relationship I just got out of... and I told her I'm definitely not ready to commit to anything. She was pissed, and she doesn't want to talk to me now... but I guarantee that will only last about 4 days, and she'll be texting me again. She already texted me last night saying that she missed me. Almost everyone in my support system says I need to get a GF, to take my mind off all this bull****. Well, that was my opportunity, and I ditched her. I don't know, I'm not about to put anyone else through any kind of pain similar to this. They don't deserve to date someone like me, someone that's still damaged and not a whole person. Honestly, though, the money I'm spending on my weed... that's nowhere near enough money to hire a real shrink or anything... so it's tough for me to justify replacing the spending on pot with a psychologist or something. I feel like I'm at a point where this pain isn't really about the ex anymore... although the ex came by last night and that tried to **** me up kinda bad. So, then, if its not about her anymore, why do I feel so alone and useless? Where is the pain coming from and how do I make it better? I'm honestly scared of sitting and waiting... I feel like I need to be proactive in my healing... whether that means numbing my mind and emotions, taking a certain outlook for the day, etc. But, hey, at least I ditched that girl... which kinda sucks, but in all honesty, I would have been just leading her on. Wtf is my problem? If it's not about the ex... what is it about? I don't feel like I want to get back with her... I do feel like I'm better off if she's not in my life, honestly. Honestly, I believe the reason I got into this mess was that I was with a very selfish, very messed up woman... imo. I don't think I need to put any more thought into it than that... I was a fool for putting so much trust into it. Edited July 28, 2010 by aeren944
mickleb Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 But perhaps the other medication is being inhibited by the pot? I think you should do what you've done with the Xanax and stick to a plan to cut down your use. Anti-depressants can just be a method to supress the pain until you are ready to face it but I do think you are a long way from answering your question, here and no, I don't think it's a simple as you picked a mean girl. Why did you stay with someone who treated you badly for so long? Why were you attracted to her in the first place? What happened to your healthy boundaries and communication skills? Why did you get so low during the relationship? There will be a lot more to look at (there always is, with everyone) and you will need to go there, when you can. I think your friends are just trying to get you an elastoplast for a broken limb. Well done with having the courage and respect for the girl to admit you can't do this right now. If she's desperate to text you, still, you may have just dodged another bullet, too, btw. I know therapy can be really expensive but I promise you, I was earning £800 a month, whilst living in London (rent was £400) and still managed to put myself through 6 years of it. I asked if I could go every two weeks and, by doing do, managed to work through a lot of my stuff and, eventually, almost double my pay-check. It is an investment in yourself, smoking pot is an investment in the next half-hour. (I do know what I'm talking about with addiction to that stuff, too, btw.) Please research local, sliding scale options. If all else fails (yes, I'm plugging it again and no, I don't work for them!) consider spending $30 of your pot stash on membership at http://www.abandonment.net/index.html to download the book 'Heartbreak to Connection' - it's a workbook that could easily half your time required in therapy and will do almost as good a job, if you put the effort into it, in the meantime - and check out both the forum and RL help groups.) Your relationship with your doctor should not be affected by you admitting you take illegal substances. It is a confidentiality issue. I remember being really scared having to admit I took LSD to mine when I was younger but he just said 'ok' and referred me to a decent specialist, because he could grasp the severity of my situation. You really should not have to be worried about that. Anyway, you are progressing. Take strength in that. There is still work to be done - you can never get away with sweeping this stuff under the carpet, it will always bite you firmly somewhere sensitive and when you don't need it - please try some of the suggestions and your rate of development should step up. Hang in there. x
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