Becoming more resentful of my wife as time goes on

[sigsegv]

My wife and I are both 30 years old. We've been living together for 7 years, married for 1. No kids.

 

Even before we were married, we handled money in a way that seemed most fair at the time: both of our incomes go into a joint account, and we pay bills from there. We shared one car and lived in the same apartment, so it just seemed natural. We would run any purchases past the other person.

I know now that combining incomes before marriage is a very bad idea, and I think it's led to some of our problems, but that's water under the bridge since we're married now. I believe we ended up combining finances because I took on and paid off about $12k of her credit card debt when we started living together.

 

We'd end up arguing about things I wanted to purchase (even so much as an extra laundry basket!) and it was driving me crazy, so I suggested an allowance scheme. We each get an allowance every month that we can spend on whatever we want. It's our only "me" money. It's helped me a lot - I can buy another video game or a flashlight or whatever without getting into an argument. Nothing has changed for her in this regard - I always encouraged her to buy whatever she wanted. She doesn't want much.

 

When I first met her she was a part-time nanny. Then we moved and she got a job as a receptionist. She kept that job for a year and then quit because she didn't like it. Then 6 months later she got a job doing social work at a real meat-grinder of a job - $10 an hour pay that required a bachelors degree with an amazing turnover rate. She did that for 3 years and then asked to be laid off when layoffs were coming. She's been on unemployment for 18 months.

 

I have a successful career in the computer industry. I've worked my way up from making $10/hour repairing PCs to having a great job at a great company that pays me well into six figures.

 

We have no debt but our mortgage. We have enough money saved up to live without jobs for more than 2 years. We'll either pay off our house or move into a bigger one within the next few years. We'll be able to retire by the time we're 60.

 

I don't feel like my wife is contributing to this at all. She's had 18 months off work and doesn't put more than an hour's work each day towards keeping the house tidy. She wakes up after me and appears to spend the day watching TV , surfing the web, or shopping for deals with coupons.

 

The only thing I've seen her strive at is couponing. She gets stuff for free by stacking coupons and rolling various deals. She spends north of 10 hours a week doing this. We have more razors and shaving cream and shampoo than we could use in three years. She has no other hobbies (except watching movies and surfing the web) and doesn't strive to be great at anything that helps our future.

 

I want her to act like a housewife if she's going to be staying home not working - I'd like her to put a few hours each day into making the house clean and organized. As it stands she does the regular inside chores (vacuuming, dishes, laundry) and I do outside chores (yard work, car repair, dealing with house repair both inside and out.)

Very little "deep cleaning" has occurred, she cleans the toilet sometimes, I cleaned the windows inside and out, etc. It's a joint effort. She spends more time doing chores, but this pales in comparison to the 50-60 hours a week that I work.

I am in no way asking her to be a stay at home wife: I want her to be successful at whatever she wants to do - but if she's not working, I want her to do *something* that helps us.

 

Lately I've been feeling like this arrangement grants her far more power than she deserves for what she's bringing to the table. Every time she argues when I go to buy a $10 item (today it was some 12 gallon stackable storage totes to help organize the basement) it pushes me farther away. The financial comfort we have is due to me, not her. Instead of being indignant that I'm going to spend a little money, she should be grateful that I'm successful.

 

Am I an ass for feeling like this?

 

I've explained to her how I feel, and she won't actually respond to what I'm saying except to say that "you know I don't like housework" and "I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do". I don't think she understands that you don't just stumble into a job you love, you need to work at it for years.

 

The particularly rough part is that we've been trying to have kids for the last two years and failing. We've had 3 early-term miscarriages, but we seem to be getting closer to being successful. She would be a *GREAT* mom. I can tell from how she takes care of her nephews and nieces. It's the only other thing I've seen her interested in being good at besides getting things for free with coupons.

But having kids would tie us together in a way that's very frightening to me due to my growing resentment. I don't just want to be married to the mother of my kids, I want a partner.

 

Are my feelings irrational? Am I a chauvinistic pig? I'm open to that possibility, it's easier to change me than her.

[BB07]

You are certainly entitled to feeling resentful, don't blame you.........but have you considered the very real possibility that she could be depressed? After all you said she had 3 miscarriages......that has to be gut wrenching.

 

Please look into and do research on depression.

[spriggig]

Heed this and heed it well, yours is virtually the same as my situation 10 years ago.

 

Here it is, you two stay on this path and you'll be divorced inside of five years. She might even cheat on you for good measure.

 

First, you're resentment of her lack of effort around the house. How would you feel about doing 100% of the housework? Because that's how much you'll do when she is gone. That's right, she'll be leaving YOU.

 

Second, her likely depression: Diet is a big and overlooked factor in depression--YOU research it, she should change her diet before she chases happiness at the bottom of a Zoloft bottle.

 

Finally, she needs to work at an outside job, especially since there are no kids. This is for her own happiness, how much money she brings in is irrelevant--irrelevant TO YOU. Encourage her to find a job and be insistent--she wants you to give her direction in this. Oh, and be sure to set boundaries around contact with other men and socializing with co-workers--SOLID boundaries, so she knows where the lines are, got it?

 

Good luck and work fast, you may have a lot less time than you think to save this marriage. At the outside you have eight years before she hits her mid-life crisis and her body tells her she NEEDS to have kids. If you're still messing around with the depression/housework/job thing when her MLC hits--it's over.

Edited July 26, 2010 by spriggig

[OliveOyl]

I don't know how to say this exactly. It makes sense that you want her to contribute equally to the household. But an equitable distribution of work around the house does not make a marriage. It makes an "arrangement." You didn't marry your wife so you could split the household duties. You married (guessing here... ideally) so you could have a partner to share your life with - emotionally, sexually, mentally.

 

I'd recommend nurturing the partnership and doing more of the things you did in the beginning of your relationship... while you can, and before you have kids. Kids will not cement the marriage. Well they will, but not in the way you hope. Kids totally change things, IMHO. If you are having issues now you should wait until these issues are reasonably resolved (or accepted). Share joint activities with your wife, encourage her in what she loves to do (even if it's just coupon clipping for now... it may blossom into something else).

 

Maybe she doesn't love housework, but now because you have found a job you love that pays well, suddenly she has to spend more time doing something she admits to not liking at all? Can you see how controlling that is in a way? It would make more sense for you to hire a housecleaner to come in and do a deep cleaning twice a month. I also do agree though she shouldn't fuss about your spending.

 

My opinion: marriage is not about "tit for tat." Once it's gotten to that level, it's become a "business arrangement." My STBX used to spend weekends doing chores and then rattling off a long list of how much he'd accomplished. I suppose this was supposed to make me feel good, but actually, I just wanted us to enjoy our time together more.

[Enchanted Girl]

I agree with BB07 - It could definitely be depression. Depressed people lose all motivation to do everything and she has reason to be depressed because of all her miscarriages. She's probably afraid that she'll never get pregnant.

 

Anyway, I don't know what to say about the rest. I can understand why you are resentful. And while I don't think that people should count how much they put into the relationship compared to the other person (because most people think they put in more), it's very frustrating if the relationship feels completely one-sided and relationships shouldn't be that way. You have talked to her about it, right? What does she say to you?

 

But is there really enough chores to do constantly around the house that she could be doing housework a few hours a day though? I mean, if it's just two people and you're both not that messy, there's not going to be a lot to clean-up, I don't think.

 

Spriggig - I think you need to realize that not every relationship is going to turn out like yours. I think it's a big leap to say that she's going to cheat on him or leave him when she's given no indication that she wants to do either thing right now. Let's deal with the real problems the two of them have before inventing new ones that might happen.

Edited July 26, 2010 by Enchanted Girl

[Enchanted Girl]

I don't know how to say this exactly. It makes sense that you want her to contribute equally to the household. But an equitable distribution of work around the house does not make a marriage. It makes an "arrangement." You didn't marry your wife so you could split the household duties. You married (guessing here... ideally) so you could have a partner to share your life with - emotionally, sexually, mentally.

 

I'd recommend nurturing the partnership and doing more of the things you did in the beginning of your relationship... while you can, and before you have kids. Kids will not cement the marriage. Well they will, but not in the way you hope. Kids totally change things, IMHO. If you are having issues now you should wait until these issues are reasonably resolved (or accepted). Share joint activities with your wife, encourage her in what she loves to do (even if it's just coupon clipping for now... it may blossom into something else).

 

Maybe she doesn't love housework, but now because you have found a job you love that pays well, suddenly she has to spend more time doing something she admits to not liking at all? Can you see how controlling that is in a way? It would make more sense for you to hire a housecleaner to come in and do a deep cleaning twice a month. I also do agree though she shouldn't fuss about your spending.

 

My opinion: marriage is not about "tit for tat." Once it's gotten to that level, it's become a "business arrangement." My STBX used to spend weekends doing chores and then rattling off a long list of how much he'd accomplished. I suppose this was supposed to make me feel good, but actually, I just wanted us to enjoy our time together more.

 

I agree with what you said, I just wasn't sure how to word those thoughts.

[mem11363]

Sig,

Your expectations are TOTALLY reasonable. You want her to contribute fairly. And frankly I think you are being very flexible.

 

My W wanted to be a SAHM and raise the kids, take care of the house like a stereotypical 1950's housewife. We have now been together 21 years, married 20. Initially I did NOT want all the income generating responsibility on me however ultimately I decided to give it a try. Worked great because she treated it like a "serious" job. She didn't say "I don't like to do X so I just won't do it." My guess is she didn't like deep cleaning any more than I enjoyed doing my expense reports at work. She cleaned, I did my expense reports. The idea that one partner should work 50 hours plus commute and the other gets to slack off on stuff because they don't like it is a recipe for disaster.

 

Do YOU actually like every part of your job? Probably not. If you refused to do big chunks of your job and instead surfed the internet, watched tv - you would get FIRED.

 

Your issue is that SHE doesn't respect you and your contribution. It sounds like she simply sees you as a human ATM machine. Bad news.

 

Don't make babies with someone who does not respect you. It will make for an unhappy marriage.

 

 

 

My wife and I are both 30 years old. We've been living together for 7 years, married for 1. No kids.

 

Even before we were married, we handled money in a way that seemed most fair at the time: both of our incomes go into a joint account, and we pay bills from there. We shared one car and lived in the same apartment, so it just seemed natural. We would run any purchases past the other person.

I know now that combining incomes before marriage is a very bad idea, and I think it's led to some of our problems, but that's water under the bridge since we're married now. I believe we ended up combining finances because I took on and paid off about $12k of her credit card debt when we started living together.

 

We'd end up arguing about things I wanted to purchase (even so much as an extra laundry basket!) and it was driving me crazy, so I suggested an allowance scheme. We each get an allowance every month that we can spend on whatever we want. It's our only "me" money. It's helped me a lot - I can buy another video game or a flashlight or whatever without getting into an argument. Nothing has changed for her in this regard - I always encouraged her to buy whatever she wanted. She doesn't want much.

 

When I first met her she was a part-time nanny. Then we moved and she got a job as a receptionist. She kept that job for a year and then quit because she didn't like it. Then 6 months later she got a job doing social work at a real meat-grinder of a job - $10 an hour pay that required a bachelors degree with an amazing turnover rate. She did that for 3 years and then asked to be laid off when layoffs were coming. She's been on unemployment for 18 months.

 

I have a successful career in the computer industry. I've worked my way up from making $10/hour repairing PCs to having a great job at a great company that pays me well into six figures.

 

We have no debt but our mortgage. We have enough money saved up to live without jobs for more than 2 years. We'll either pay off our house or move into a bigger one within the next few years. We'll be able to retire by the time we're 60.

 

I don't feel like my wife is contributing to this at all. She's had 18 months off work and doesn't put more than an hour's work each day towards keeping the house tidy. She wakes up after me and appears to spend the day watching TV , surfing the web, or shopping for deals with coupons.

 

The only thing I've seen her strive at is couponing. She gets stuff for free by stacking coupons and rolling various deals. She spends north of 10 hours a week doing this. We have more razors and shaving cream and shampoo than we could use in three years. She has no other hobbies (except watching movies and surfing the web) and doesn't strive to be great at anything that helps our future.

 

I want her to act like a housewife if she's going to be staying home not working - I'd like her to put a few hours each day into making the house clean and organized. As it stands she does the regular inside chores (vacuuming, dishes, laundry) and I do outside chores (yard work, car repair, dealing with house repair both inside and out.)

Very little "deep cleaning" has occurred, she cleans the toilet sometimes, I cleaned the windows inside and out, etc. It's a joint effort. She spends more time doing chores, but this pales in comparison to the 50-60 hours a week that I work.

I am in no way asking her to be a stay at home wife: I want her to be successful at whatever she wants to do - but if she's not working, I want her to do *something* that helps us.

 

Lately I've been feeling like this arrangement grants her far more power than she deserves for what she's bringing to the table. Every time she argues when I go to buy a $10 item (today it was some 12 gallon stackable storage totes to help organize the basement) it pushes me farther away. The financial comfort we have is due to me, not her. Instead of being indignant that I'm going to spend a little money, she should be grateful that I'm successful.

 

Am I an ass for feeling like this?

 

I've explained to her how I feel, and she won't actually respond to what I'm saying except to say that "you know I don't like housework" and "I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do". I don't think she understands that you don't just stumble into a job you love, you need to work at it for years.

 

The particularly rough part is that we've been trying to have kids for the last two years and failing. We've had 3 early-term miscarriages, but we seem to be getting closer to being successful. She would be a *GREAT* mom. I can tell from how she takes care of her nephews and nieces. It's the only other thing I've seen her interested in being good at besides getting things for free with coupons.

But having kids would tie us together in a way that's very frightening to me due to my growing resentment. I don't just want to be married to the mother of my kids, I want a partner.

 

Are my feelings irrational? Am I a chauvinistic pig? I'm open to that possibility, it's easier to change me than her.

[sigsegv]

Thank you for your responses.

 

Maybe she doesn't love housework, but now because you have found a job you love that pays well, suddenly she has to spend more time doing something she admits to not liking at all? Can you see how controlling that is in a way? It would make more sense for you to hire a housecleaner to come in and do a deep cleaning twice a month. I also do agree though she shouldn't fuss about your spending.

 

It's not because I have a job that I love that she should do housework - it's that she chose to be laid off (she would not have been let go if she hadn't asked for it) then then doesn't want to manage the home.

 

If she were to hire a housekeeper, I'd be perfectly okay with it. I don't want to have to deal with it. I've already mentioned this to her.

 

 

My opinion: marriage is not about "tit for tat." Once it's gotten to that level, it's become a "business arrangement."

 

I completely agree, which is why I feel bad that I feel this way. I don't want to be keeping score. I just can't ignore the enormous difference in sweat equity.

 

I don't like that my post looked like it was all about money: it's not. I don't care how much money she makes, I want her to be working towards *something*. Whether that's trying to be a great homemaker, or following a skilled hobby to the extreme, or working towards a career she wants. As she's doing none of these things, I can only look at my most significant contributions to the household which is financial security and the ability to do and own what we want.

[sigsegv]

But is there really enough chores to do constantly around the house that she could be doing housework a few hours a day though? I mean, if it's just two people and you're both not that messy, there's not going to be a lot to clean-up, I don't think.

 

I don't know how many hours per day it would take to keep the house clean, but she's not currently doing it. It's not the amount of time it takes that I'm concerned about, just that it's not getting done.

 

We had a long discussion tonight about it. I mentioned that I'd like to try giving her a different task that takes less than an hour to do each day, and I will have no resentment. She said that might make her resent me, and I understand where she's coming from: she's not a child, and I'm not her father. She seemed willing to give it a try, though. It's possible that the organizational structure will help her, and I really think that I'll be happy if she gradually gets the house organized and clean.

[Lady vs Panda]

Why are you not answering the people who have asked about depression? She's had 3 miscarriages in the last two years. She's been unemployed and unmotivated for 18 months. This does not seem like rocket science.

[cookie2]

Definitely sounds like depression to me. My ex had it and would stay at home on the computer all day while I was at work. I would take time off to go with her to all her appointments, fight her corner when the docs were awkward, did everything I possibly could to help her. Then one day she ran off to Finland to screw some guy she met online.

 

She was a really bad case though. If your wife also has depression you need to get it sorted out ASAP. It will end the marriage, and it will be her who does the dumping.

[someotherguy]

You feel resentful because she's ungrateful, selfish, and taking advantage of you. I think most men would be resentful in this type of situation.

 

Go to marriage counseling, and try to get her to see a psychiatrist for an evaluation. If she doesn't want to, think long and hard about whether you really want to spend your life working 60 hours a week, cleaning your house, and coming home to a depressed wife and trying to care for (eventual) children every evening. Your wife is supposed to be your partner, but she's acting like a spoiled child.

 

Do something now before you not only have to give her half of everything you've ever made, but have to pay alimony too.

[Phateless]

This woman sounds like dead weight to me. Have you told her how you're feeling? How is she as a communicator?

[sigsegv]

Why are you not answering the people who have asked about depression? She's had 3 miscarriages in the last two years. She's been unemployed and unmotivated for 18 months. This does not seem like rocket science.

 

I'm not ignoring it, I just don't know what to do about it. I mentioned it to her last night. She said it's possible that she's slightly depressed, but you can't take medication while trying to have a baby.

 

Should I insist that she give up trying and fight depression instead? As far as I can tell that'll only turn me into the bad guy moreso than I already am, by taking away something she's interested in.

[someotherguy]

Maybe nobody's been blunt enough yet.

 

Do not have babies with a woman who is acting like this

 

Get your acts together first.

[txsilkysmoothe]

The wife seems unwilling to discuss the situation or consider that she has a problem. I don't think she will be open to the suggestion she may be depressed, either.

 

OP, I would be seriously tempted to open a separate checking account and deposit all future paychecks there.

 

Regardless of the wife's situation, she is being unreasonable about the OP spending money. My experience has been that when a woman gets angry over a man's spending, it's because she wants to spend the money her way instead.

[mem11363]

Canada,

If she worked full time then it would be fine if they split the housework - evenly. And fine if they hired someone. But she is not working at all and hasn't for 18 months.

 

This has little to do with money. It is largely about fairness. Switch the genders. If you had a guy staying home playing video games not keeping up the house and a full time working wife everyone would say dump the guy.

 

Why do totally different rules apply here?

 

Why are you blaming him when she is choosing to be so lazy?

 

FWIW - some guys say well into 6 figures at 150K/year. In the US that means: 90K after tax, 80K after deductions for benefits.

 

If you are taking home 80K - then 10K for a cleaning woman when I have a stay at home spouse with no children is an incredible waste of money.

 

 

sigsegv:

 

You make well into six figures. Housekeeping is not the issue here.

 

You could hire a housekeeper to come in 2x a week, say $50-$100 per time, = $5-10,000/year. Easily affordable on your income.

 

What's the real issue here?

 

That's what you need to determine.

[sigsegv]

sigsegv:

 

You make well into six figures. Housekeeping is not the issue here.

 

You could hire a housekeeper to come in 2x a week, say $50-$100 per time, = $5-10,000/year. Easily affordable on your income.

 

What's the real issue here?

 

That's what you need to determine.

 

I already answered something to this effect in one of my responses. I don't want to have to deal with a housekeeper - if she wants to hire one and organize it, I'm perfectly fine with it and I suggested it months ago.

 

The real issue is this: my life now feels like my best friend has been crashing at my house for the last 18 months while figuring out their life. That's all fine and good, except at some point I need to ask my best friend to do *something* to help out.

 

Except my best friend is my wife. And because we're married it's not like I've been doing her a favor for the last 18 months, so the structure of power isn't similar to what it would be if she were a friend living in my house. I definitely love her and don't want her to leave, but I feel like my love is being strained.

 

If you could give the person you love most a life of luxury while you had to keep working, would you? What if you saw that they were making nothing of their life of luxury? Am I just a control freak? Maybe.

[txsilkysmoothe]

maybe nobody's been blunt enough yet.

 

do not have babies with a woman who is acting like this

 

get your acts together first.

 

if she is depressed, she will not be a great mother. The depression will not disappear just because she has a baby. It will most likely get worse.

 

Please please stop trying to have a baby.

[Phateless]

She's probably depressed BECAUSE she's not working. Sitting at home alone all day is very depressing. This woman needs a kick in the ass.

[OliveOyl]

Thank you for your responses.

I completely agree, which is why I feel bad that I feel this way. I don't want to be keeping score. I just can't ignore the enormous difference in sweat equity.

 

I don't like that my post looked like it was all about money: it's not. I don't care how much money she makes, I want her to be working towards *something*. Whether that's trying to be a great homemaker, or following a skilled hobby to the extreme, or working towards a career she wants. As she's doing none of these things, I can only look at my most significant contributions to the household which is financial security and the ability to do and own what we want.

 

You know, I don't think the issue is about money, or even completely about equal contribution to the household. You admit if she was doing something to "better herself" - for example, a skilled hobby, or, I gather, even going back to school - neither of which would necessarily contribute directly to the household for some time, or ever... you would feel better about things.

 

I think the issue is, that you are growing apart because your energy has shifted into a higher gear and hers has not. She may or may not be depressed, but because you are working, involved, meeting people, etc. and she is not, you are not really "equals" in the way you value anymore.

 

Let me ask, do you two still get along well, have interesting conversations, good sex, etc.? Is it more about "perceived value" or more she is really not as interesting to you lately?

[fit]

But the good news is your still young and not tied down to kids.

Read this...

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/15/excuses-your-wife-uses-for-not-working/

 

Do not have kids with this woman.

I did with mine(similar situation)...and I do not regret my kids but I do regret at times the way my wife handles everyday pressures and the possibility of going back to work is a neverending battle for me. It is VERY hard to change a persons ways once they are established and are comfortable doing nothing all day which is exactly what your wife is doing. My wife is taking care of our kids at least...although there was a period when the kids were in daycare all day and she was doing absolutely nothing all day but making it sound like she was doing all these things.

Does your wife at least make an effort to be a good wife to you ? Does she stay in good shape ? Do you have good intimacy levels ?

[Enchanted Girl]

Canada,

If she worked full time then it would be fine if they split the housework - evenly. And fine if they hired someone. But she is not working at all and hasn't for 18 months.

 

This has little to do with money. It is largely about fairness. Switch the genders. If you had a guy staying home playing video games not keeping up the house and a full time working wife everyone would say dump the guy.

 

Why do totally different rules apply here?

 

Why are you blaming him when she is choosing to be so lazy?

 

FWIW - some guys say well into 6 figures at 150K/year. In the US that means: 90K after tax, 80K after deductions for benefits.

 

If you are taking home 80K - then 10K for a cleaning woman when I have a stay at home spouse with no children is an incredible waste of money.

 

No one has blamed sigsegv so far for any of this. We've just been giving him suggestions about things he can do to make his marriage have less resentment in it. If it was his wife posting here, on the other hand, we could be giving her suggestions, but she's not, so we can't. We can only advise him. The only part of this he can control is his reaction to this situation. And since a lot of us aren't the type of people who want to tell someone in a marriage to just kick someone to the curb, we're not going to do that here.

 

Anyway . . . . . .

 

@sigsegv: Just because someone has depression, doesn't mean they have to take pills for it. Regular therapy can help, especially therapy related to how she's feeling about and dealing with her three miscarriages. The therapist will also probably try to help her do something with her life and you'll stop seeming like as much of the bad guy if someone else is encouraging her as well in this area. Someone with a license to deal with these kinds of things.

 

I also agree with the insight Canada gave to the miscarriages.

[mem11363]

I agree - curb kicking should not be done casually. That said there are serious issues well beyond miscarriage related depression. Someone brings 12K in CC debt into a marriage and their partner pays it off. And they harp on that same partner over small purchases. This simply isn't something you would do to a partner you respect. In general his post seems to reflect a pattern of behavior where his wants/needs are not important and hers are.

 

And a marriage lacking in respect is at risk. And this one sure seems to be. Adding kids seems like a high risk move.

 

 

 

No one has blamed sigsegv so far for any of this. We've just been giving him suggestions about things he can do to make his marriage have less resentment in it. If it was his wife posting here, on the other hand, we could be giving her suggestions, but she's not, so we can't. We can only advise him. The only part of this he can control is his reaction to this situation. And since a lot of us aren't the type of people who want to tell someone in a marriage to just kick someone to the curb, we're not going to do that here.

 

Anyway . . . . . .

 

@sigsegv: Just because someone has depression, doesn't mean they have to take pills for it. Regular therapy can help, especially therapy related to how she's feeling about and dealing with her three miscarriages. The therapist will also probably try to help her do something with her life and you'll stop seeming like as much of the bad guy if someone else is encouraging her as well in this area. Someone with a license to deal with these kinds of things.

 

I also agree with the insight Canada gave to the miscarriages.

[Mr. Lucky]

The only thing I've seen her strive at is couponing. She gets stuff for free by stacking coupons and rolling various deals. She spends north of 10 hours a week doing this. We have more razors and shaving cream and shampoo than we could use in three years.

This alone would be a red flag for me and a therapist would have a field day with it. As many others have said, I wouldn't go any further with starting a family until the issues were addressed. MC at least though IC would probably better. Don't take no for an answer...

 

Mr. Lucky