Relationship Jumping

[A Hot Mess]

I guess the consensus is that if you don't take some time to yourself to contemplate you're bound to repeat the same mistakes over and over. However my personal experience has been that in the long run it doesn't really matter how long you have been single between relationships. I have seen some of the best marriages and healthiest relationships formed between two individuals who have just ended an LTR. I definitely do not believe in "rebounds". I think rebound is just a word made up by those of us who have been dumped and simply can't deal emotionally with their exes moving on. It's easier to think that our significant other has gotten involved with someone else to mask the pain, or there is something emotional wrong with them then to truthfully say “this person did not want to be with me and they found someone they want to be with more”.

 

 

Bravo. ILC, I did not expect this one from you. Your post pretty much summarizes the direction my thoughts are starting to turn. I've gone from believing in extended "healing time", to pretty much thinking that going with the flow and being open to what comes along (instead of keeping potential GFs at arm's length because I'm "not ready") is the way to be.

[A Hot Mess]

The orinigal poster maintained that they feel as though they are wasting time and feel pressure to get married and have kids. There is no pressure. It is not a race.

 

I don't feel pressure to get married and have kids. Nobody expects that of me. It's just a goal I want to accomplish in life, and I'm not getting any younger. If I sit out a year.. two years.. to "repair" myself, obviously the quality of my potential dating pool declines. All I'm saying is that I don't know that there's a lot more I can work on that will make much of a difference between now and two years from now. So why wait? Why miss the opportunity to meet that person I can achieve those goals (of a family and more) with? I think I know who she is.. we just need to cross paths.. but that won't happen if I'm not completely open to it.

[D-Lish]

People also say "Teachers teach, because they can't do."

 

A good teacher can take others to places they couldn't go to based on an understanding of their own limitations, and intimate knowledge of how their mistakes and limitations affected their individual capacity to succeed.

[A Hot Mess]

The flipside is that our previous baggage comes into play even if we take years to clear our heads, so maybe it's a wash?

 

Exactly.

 

If this method was so great, why aren't people getting out of relationships, taking their sabbatical, improving themselves, and then ending up in the perfect relationship? How often does that happen? Get me some stats on that one. Between my last two relationships I took more than two years to focus on myself. Only when I thought I was ready, did I finally open myself up to having a serious relationship again. Yet it didn't make much of a difference, as the result was the same.

[silic0ntoad]

People who relationship jump are weak and useless. They have no sense of self worth- only valuing themselves through the eyes of the relationship. They don't know nor understand the amount of damage they cause to themselves, the new person, and the person they inevitably leave behind.

 

People like this should be eradicated from the gene pool.

[Ilovecake]

I think this is a misleading statement.

 

You may believe you have seen great marriages formed this way, and you certainly may have. However, IMO, you have also witnessed a rarity. Yes, it happens from time to time, but I think people who are capable of moving on so quickly and then formed a sucessful marriage, were A. lucky that the new relationship has worked itself to a good place and B. probably checked out of their former relationship long before the actual break up. Meaning, they had been moving on while still technically in a relationship with the other person.

 

In general, I still maintain that the high majority of us are bound to repeat the same patterns and attract the same problems if we try to jump back in before we are ready. The orinigal poster maintained that they feel as though they are wasting time and feel pressure to get married and have kids. There is no pressure. It is not a race.

 

I agree with Grayclouds and he said it more calmly than I (I think I'm reaching the anger part of my breakup...). Read what he saying over and over in his last post. Most people need to take their time, otherwise you run a very high risk of just becoming another statistic.

 

 

It's not misleading at all. Maybe not everyone has experienced that but I'm just passing on my personal experience. If I said jumping into a relationship right away guarantees success that would be misleading but sharing what I've seen with my own eyes is not misleading. I also know a lot of people who have been in numerous short term relationships and were never successful in making it long term. Some people chose not to ever be in a long term relationship, that doesn’t mean they’re unhappy. It’s all very subjective therefore it is not misleading.

 

Of course it's not black and white. It will not work out that way for everyone but it's wrong to say it never works out. I think when you meet that person who you feel you can share your life with it doesn't really matter how long you've dated or how long you've been single.

[GrayClouds]

I think when you meet that person who you feel you can share your life with it doesn't really matter how long you've dated or how long you've been single.

 

One of the benefits a break-up offers is that as much as feeling play into a relationships decisions about the person is should be a more thoughtful about a person's actions refection their values and integrity. If you have allow yourself healthy opportunity in between relationships you perspective is likely to be less clouded by the previous experience and the feeling about it.

[Ilovecake]

GrayClouds personally I completely 100% agree with you. I am a person who takes a very long time between relationships and I do believe that is the healthiest way to do things but it's not a be all end all rule. I guess my point is if you meet that special someone and you know and trust that they will enhance your life you should not pass that opportunity up just because you feel you didn't put in enough time into being single. It's hard to explain but do you know what I mean?

[GrayClouds]

GrayClouds personally I completely 100% agree with you. I am a person who takes a very long time between relationships and I do believe that is the healthiest way to do things but it's not a be all end all rule. I guess my point is if you meet that special someone and you know and trust that they will enhance your life you should not pass that opportunity up just because you feel you didn't put in enough time into being single. It's hard to explain but do you know what I mean?

 

Cake we are almost always in agreement (even though I always get the feeling you yelling in your post for I can not think of you without picturing you being the redhead in your avatar ).

 

I will agree there is always exception to the rule. And that the odds improve the older one gets for many of the basic lessons and self-development should already have been taken place. (but 'should' is a very big word in many cases)

 

And to allow yourself time between relationship does not mean becoming a nun or a monk. It means getting to know yourself and getting to know others. And if through that you meet that special person, then taking time to get to know them, not rushing the commitments or the physical is part of that self-development. And if they are "the" person, not only will they understand but find you even more attractive by you living in a way that shows your respect yourself and her values.

 

Our society give us a great deal of freedom. One of the challenge of that freedom is managing it. These days is that the pattern of making people relationship material as a way know someone is more normal then getting to know someone a away to see if they are relationship material. If more people practiced the latter, the whole discussion of rebounds would be kind of mute.

 

 

.

[mickleb]

I honestly have no trouble envisioning why you're single.

 

If you're going to be this rude, you should expect a response like this one:

 

People who relationship jump are weak and useless. They have no sense of self worth- only valuing themselves through the eyes of the relationship. They don't know nor understand the amount of damage they cause to themselves, the new person, and the person they inevitably leave behind.

 

People like this should be eradicated from the gene pool.

 

silic0n - good to see you back!

 

If I sit out a year.. two years.. to "repair" myself, obviously the quality of my potential dating pool declines.

 

What does this mean?

 

I must say, generally, it amazes me how people come on here, asking their questions and trying to get a discussion going, just to shoot people down who have a different opinion! Do you just enjoy making yourself angry?

 

I am amused.

 

x

[GrayClouds]

Originally Posted by A Hot Mess

If I sit out a year.. two years.. to "repair" myself, obviously the quality of my potential dating pool declines.

 

Your mistaking quantity vs quality, which suggest maybe you have some work to do...

[Phateless]

People who relationship jump are weak and useless. They have no sense of self worth- only valuing themselves through the eyes of the relationship. They don't know nor understand the amount of damage they cause to themselves, the new person, and the person they inevitably leave behind.

 

People like this should be eradicated from the gene pool.

 

SOME people relationship-jump because of this, but not all. You're over-generalizing. People get into relationships when they think they're ready.

 

Plenty of people STAY in bad relationships for the same reasons. Time to yourself can be very beneficial, but you are not guaranteed bad results if you don't take that time.

[mickleb]

Nothing is guaranteed in relationships.

 

I think some things, like taking time to grieve a lost relationship are considered to be 'common sense' for a reason..

 

x

[jlr]

I just want to point this out:

 

The person who started this thread is named "A Hot Mess."

 

And that's what people who relationship jump usually are - a mess.

 

Sure, there's exceptions to this. People who've jumped and it ended up working. But, that could also be because they are tired of jumping, and just settle for whoever they've landed on now. Who knows if that's because their current relationship is great, or they're just too tired after all that running.

 

Most people I know who do this - run from one thing to the next - are people who never deal with their own problems. It's people who have a lot of emotional issues and instead of taking time to work them out on their own, they put that energy into someone else. And then, that person gets boring - which usually means they have to put work into it, since relationships take constant work - and they jump to the next person.

 

It just makes sense to take time after a long term relationship for yourself. You've spent all that time with someone else, you need time to decompress.

 

Sure, there may be some people who were dumped who milk this concept and just keep calling all their exes relationships rebounds to make themselves feel better.

 

But, on the other side, the relationship jumpers try to label people who take time between relationships as people who "can't get anyone else" to make THEM feel better.

 

So that works both ways.

 

In my opinion, the jumpers are people who will never truly be happy until they've unloaded that baggage, and done the hard work of actually dealing with themselves and their past.

[Beeotch]

People who jump from "relationship" to "relationship" have an issue....I guarantee you that.

 

1st off: How is it that it is so easy to find someone who suits your standards?

 

While I do not believe there is only one person out there for you. I do believe that there are a limited/finite number of people who would make a good match and that for most people with standards, who do not have issues, these people do not come around every other month. Therefore, it rings an alarm when every couple of months someone has a new "relationship" and finds someone suited for them and are "inlove"....

 

2nd: The jumping from one relationship to a next proves that you CLEARLY are bad at them or something is off (choosing the wrong people, not being able to be alone, being shallow etc), why you can't have sustained relationships but new ones all the time.

 

Dating around is one thing...that's normal so to speak. To casually get to know people, friend with benefits etc. But to form full blown "serious" relationships and go through the "rituals" of such every couple of months or so is very weird and disturbing. That takes a lot of emotional strength and time in my mind; although from my experience, the people who do it are never that seriously invested (which again proves they have some issue of needing to be in "relationships" regardless of if they are shams or not).

 

For me...to actually decide that you are my boyfriend, I HAVE to find the same qualities I would look for in a husband in you. It is a big decision for me and I guarantee and feel quite proud that there are only a FEW men who come along who fit the bill and Tom, Dick and Harry can't just come along every few months and I "fall inlove" with them and form a "relationship" . If I wanted any ol' relationship just to be in one, I could have that a million times over...however, since I do have standards I would rather take a pass on these fly-by-night "relationships" which are VERY high school (you know in high school bf/gf was just a ritual and people got in "relationships" cuz everyone else was doing it without even knowing what it meant). But I also accept that I am not average...sooo hey!

Edited July 31, 2010 by Beeotch

[Beeotch]

I just want to point this out:

 

The person who started this thread is named "A Hot Mess."

 

And that's what people who relationship jump usually are - a mess.

 

Sure, there's exceptions to this. People who've jumped and it ended up working. But, that could also be because they are tired of jumping, and just settle for whoever they've landed on now. Who knows if that's because their current relationship is great, or they're just too tired after all that running.

 

Most people I know who do this - run from one thing to the next - are people who never deal with their own problems. It's people who have a lot of emotional issues and instead of taking time to work them out on their own, they put that energy into someone else. And then, that person gets boring - which usually means they have to put work into it, since relationships take constant work - and they jump to the next person.

 

It just makes sense to take time after a long term relationship for yourself. You've spent all that time with someone else, you need time to decompress.

 

Sure, there may be some people who were dumped who milk this concept and just keep calling all their exes relationships rebounds to make themselves feel better.

 

But, on the other side, the relationship jumpers try to label people who take time between relationships as people who "can't get anyone else" to make THEM feel better.

 

So that works both ways.

 

In my opinion, the jumpers are people who will never truly be happy until they've unloaded that baggage, and done the hard work of actually dealing with themselves and their past.

 

LMAOOO this post is sooooo on the money and I could not have put it any better and it sadly reminds me of my ex, who is a hot mess and who this thread should probably be about.

 

It's really not funny, because EVERYTHING in the bold is him, all the stuff he has admitted about himself but sadly still continues to do. He thinks I am a great match for him, but doesn't want to be with me because it requires work and for him to come to terms with himself, so he has had 3 other easy relationships in the past year and he is NEVER happy. The girls get more unattractive, more passive and less and less like what he claims to like. He breaks up with them and comes back trying to talk to me, but realize it can't work until he resolves his issues so he runs away and then literally after admitting the truth, like weeks later he has a new "gf"....while it is annoying, now, it is truly sad because it is an actual issue. I don't think ANYONE wants to live like that and no one who is truly happy and comfortable in their skin does that...

Edited July 31, 2010 by Beeotch

[Beeotch]

From reading the original poster's posts...what he is describing kind of sounds like dating. Which is normal in my eyes. Everyone wants to feel desirable or meet that new person, but I feel like it is one thing to hang out, date and see what's out there...that is NORMAL versus you literally break up and are in a supposedly serious relationship shortly thereafter.

 

Relationship jumping, the way I understand it, is more of what I and other posters have described as people who ALWAYS seem to have a bf/gf and take NO TIME after a breakup before they are hopped up in something else repeating the same rituals. Which is why I hate FB. It really IRKS me to see people posting they are soo inlove and have up pics of this person and then like 2 months later they break up...then like a couple weeks or a month later, they are saying the SAME thing about someone else....then that ends and they get a new person and do the same thing and it continues....that to me is what is problematic. It is a sign of immaturity or seriously unresolved issues.

 

If you truly are over your ex, couldn't care less and truly feel the need to move forward. That is fine. No one can put a time frame on that, only you can know. The truth is the truth. If you are truly over your ex then there is no law that you need to wait X amount of time, although conscientious people would need a minute to regroup and that "minute" is personal. But while you can lie to other ppl saying you're over it, you just want to move forward blah blah....you CANNOT lie to yourself and if you are not over it but are lying to yourself and hopping up with someone else BEFORE the time that you need to for yourself, oh trust and believe it will backfire sooner or later.

 

Blame God or biology, but if you were emotionally and otherwise invested (key word, as I think many true relationship jumpers are never invested that deeply which is why they can seemingly jump so quickly) in a relationship you go through a grieving process. The length of time differs individually. However, most people do and it is NORMAL to need some time to be out of the game. You made mistakes or that person did, something didn't work and you need time to process it. You have been emotionally raped a lot of times lol, it is NORMAL to take a time out. Someone who seems to have no grieving process has a problem....and again, if you lie to yourself and force it and force yourself to be over it before it's time...it backfires most always. In some way or other, sooner or later.

Edited July 31, 2010 by Beeotch

[HeavenOrHell]

Good post, I agree with all this.

 

From reading the original poster's posts...what he is describing kind of sounds like dating. Which is normal in my eyes. Everyone wants to feel desirable or meet that new person, but I feel like it is one thing to hang out, date and see what's out there...that is NORMAL versus you literally break up and are in a supposedly serious relationship shortly thereafter.

 

Relationship jumping, the way I understand it, is more of what I and other posters have described as people who ALWAYS seem to have a bf/gf and take NO TIME after a breakup before they are hopped up in something else repeating the same rituals. Which is why I hate FB. It really IRKS me to see people posting they are soo inlove and have up pics of this person and then like 2 months later they break up...then like a couple weeks or a month later, they are saying the SAME thing about someone else....then that ends and they get a new person and do the same thing and it continues....that to me is what is problematic. It is a sign of immaturity or seriously unresolved issues.

 

If you truly are over your ex, couldn't care less and truly feel the need to move forward. That is fine. No one can put a time frame on that, only you can know. The truth is the truth. If you are truly over your ex then there is no law that you need to wait X amount of time, although conscientious people would need a minute to regroup and that "minute" is personal. But while you can lie to other ppl saying you're over it, you just want to move forward blah blah....you CANNOT lie to yourself and if you are not over it but are lying to yourself and hopping up with someone else BEFORE the time that you need to for yourself, oh trust and believe it will backfire sooner or later.

 

Blame God or biology, but if you were emotionally and otherwise invested (key word, as I think many true relationship jumpers are never invested that deeply which is why they can seemingly jump so quickly) in a relationship you go through a grieving process. The length of time differs individually. However, most people do and it is NORMAL to need some time to be out of the game. You made mistakes or that person did, something didn't work and you need time to process it. You have been emotionally raped a lot of times lol, it is NORMAL to take a time out. Someone who seems to have no grieving process has a problem....and again, if you lie to yourself and force it and force yourself to be over it before it's time...it backfires most always. In some way or other, sooner or later.

[starryeyed12]

People who jump from "relationship" to "relationship" have an issue....I guarantee you that.

 

1st off: How is it that it is so easy to find someone who suits your standards?

 

While I do not believe there is only one person out there for you. I do believe that there are a limited/finite number of people who would make a good match and that for most people with standards, who do not have issues, these people do not come around every other month. Therefore, it rings an alarm when every couple of months someone has a new "relationship" and finds someone suited for them and are "inlove"....

 

2nd: The jumping from one relationship to a next proves that you CLEARLY are bad at them or something is off (choosing the wrong people, not being able to be alone, being shallow etc), why you can't have sustained relationships but new ones all the time.

 

Dating around is one thing...that's normal so to speak. To casually get to know people, friend with benefits etc. But to form full blown "serious" relationships and go through the "rituals" of such every couple of months or so is very weird and disturbing. That takes a lot of emotional strength and time in my mind; although from my experience, the people who do it are never that seriously invested (which again proves they have some issue of needing to be in "relationships" regardless of if they are shams or not).

 

For me...to actually decide that you are my boyfriend, I HAVE to find the same qualities I would look for in a husband in you. It is a big decision for me and I guarantee and feel quite proud that there are only a FEW men who come along who fit the bill and Tom, Dick and Harry can't just come along every few months and I "fall inlove" with them and form a "relationship" . If I wanted any ol' relationship just to be in one, I could have that a million times over...however, since I do have standards I would rather take a pass on these fly-by-night "relationships" which are VERY high school (you know in high school bf/gf was just a ritual and people got in "relationships" cuz everyone else was doing it without even knowing what it meant). But I also accept that I am not average...sooo hey!

 

+1 girl! Totally agree, and will save myself the trouble of repeating everything you said. Hot Mess, take some notes please.