Shakz Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 ...with my new girlfriend. We met a few weeks ago and have spent every weekend together until this. She learned on Monday that her stepfather had died in the night and asked me to go with her. I begged off. I really like her, we have great times together, but man this is just too soon. I have tried to be a supportive as I can, but I really just can't stand funerals, especially for people I didn't know. I didn't have anything better to do, I just didn't want to go and kind of really wanted a weekend to myself. Besides it was all the way down in Medford, Ore. and I didn't want to make that drive. I just got off the phone with her and she sounded pretty disappointed that I wasn't there, although she was seemingly cool with it this week. I guess she had talked me up pretty strongly with her mother and I turn out to be a no-show. So now I'm feeling like I'm on damage control, the very thing I swore to myself I would not do in this relationship. Am I a selfish jerk or what?
zengirl Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 I think it's kind of weird she asked. I think you'll be okay. I wouldn't phrase it the way you did here, "I didn't want to drive," etc. If it comes up, I'd stick with your lead: Funerals make you uncomfortable, especially for people you don't know, and you feel you'd've been out of place. It's true. I'm really confused by her. Not exactly the time to meet the Mom!
Author Shakz Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 I think it's kind of weird she asked. I think you'll be okay. I wouldn't phrase it the way you did here, "I didn't want to drive," etc. If it comes up, I'd stick with your lead: Funerals make you uncomfortable, especially for people you don't know, and you feel you'd've been out of place. It's true. I'm really confused by her. Not exactly the time to meet the Mom! Yeah, I hadn't really thought of it that way, but I probably wouldn't have asked her to go to a family funeral at this point in our relationship. That is odd.
OrdealByFire Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 eeeeshh... funerals. unnecessary way to make yourself depressed. i can't stand them myself. only been to one - maybe two - and i really don't want to go to anymore except my own. even then i'd be looking for a way out...
zengirl Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Yeah, I hadn't really thought of it that way, but I probably wouldn't have asked her to go to a family funeral at this point in our relationship. That is odd. I didn't mean to make you read into it. Mourning does weird things to people. She might realize it's weird herself, when she has more distance from the death. I'd let it drop if she does.
WalkInThePark Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 ...with my new girlfriend. We met a few weeks ago and have spent every weekend together until this. She learned on Monday that her stepfather had died in the night and asked me to go with her. I begged off. I really like her, we have great times together, but man this is just too soon. I have tried to be a supportive as I can, but I really just can't stand funerals, especially for people I didn't know. I didn't have anything better to do, I just didn't want to go and kind of really wanted a weekend to myself. Besides it was all the way down in Medford, Ore. and I didn't want to make that drive. I just got off the phone with her and she sounded pretty disappointed that I wasn't there, although she was seemingly cool with it this week. I guess she had talked me up pretty strongly with her mother and I turn out to be a no-show. So now I'm feeling like I'm on damage control, the very thing I swore to myself I would not do in this relationship. Am I a selfish jerk or what? I think you have been selfish. She needed your support and instead of taking the opportunity to just give it, you focused on YOU: your allergy for funerals, your fear of being presented as the boyfriend, your not wanting to drive down there. It's not like this girl could plan that her stepfather would die when she was just a couple of weeks with you. This was not about making your relationship official, this was about needing you to be a friend for her. Do you think ANYONE likes funerals? Do you think your girlfriend likes funerals, especially the one of her stepfather? I had to go by myself to the funeral of my mother a couple of years ago and it was by far the loneliest moment in my life. So I can understand how your girlfriend feels. She has been honest about her feelings, will you be honest about yours? You don't want to do damage control. OK, then maybe you should tell her why you did not go just like you did it here. There is a good chance that the relationship will be over, which would only be natural seen the fact that you don't seem to care a lot for this girl.
Author Shakz Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 Oh I'll definitely let it drop if she does, and maybe i'm just misinterpreting grief as disappointment. I'm probably just overreacting as I sometimes do. Thanks, ZG.
denise_xo Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 ...with my new girlfriend. We met a few weeks ago and have spent every weekend together until this. She learned on Monday that her stepfather had died in the night and asked me to go with her. I begged off. I really like her, we have great times together, but man this is just too soon. I have tried to be a supportive as I can, but I really just can't stand funerals, especially for people I didn't know. I didn't have anything better to do, I just didn't want to go and kind of really wanted a weekend to myself. Besides it was all the way down in Medford, Ore. and I didn't want to make that drive. I just got off the phone with her and she sounded pretty disappointed that I wasn't there, although she was seemingly cool with it this week. I guess she had talked me up pretty strongly with her mother and I turn out to be a no-show. So now I'm feeling like I'm on damage control, the very thing I swore to myself I would not do in this relationship. Am I a selfish jerk or what? If you've only been together for a few weeks and haven't met the family yet, I think it's reasonable not to go (agree with zg about the phrasing though, not wanting to drive isn't a great way to put it). No need to go into damage control, but given that she's just lost someone you could take extra good care of her when you meet again?
Author Shakz Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 If you've only been together for a few weeks and haven't met the family yet, I think it's reasonable not to go (agree with zg about the phrasing though, not wanting to drive isn't a great way to put it). No need to go into damage control, but given that she's just lost someone you could take extra good care of her when you meet again? I will. I realize I may have screwed the pooch here. There's something she's been wanting to do (a lame train ride with a murder mystery in the mix). I'll see about booking that. She needs to get her mind off her troubles.
Knittress Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Maybe it would've been nice for you to be supportive, but at the same time it's pretty unreasonable to expect a new relationship to fulfill such a heavy role. Either way, keep in mind that the relationship might be screwed regardless, as a person is not going to be entirely in their right mind for quite a while after the death of a parent.
Art_Critic Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 If she asked then yes you should have gone.. She needed the support of her BF and family. You go to funerals to not only pay respects to the dead but to show support for the living of the family of the person who died. JMO.. but I know I would have gone...I'm also a close family guy and have no rules on meeting family and such as to timing while dating.. Many of my dates would meet my family on the first date or the first week or so.. So take my advice with that in mind...
Author Shakz Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 I should've gone. Why can't I give myself a chance at happiness? If I had gone I might have become part of an insuperable bond. Now*I feel like hell. I do care for her. Lord, why do I keep everyone at arm's length? I am a coward.
D-Lish Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I should've gone. Why can't I give myself a chance at happiness? If I had gone I might have become part of an insuperable bond. Now*I feel like hell. I do care for her. Lord, why do I keep everyone at arm's length? I am a coward. mmmm, I dunno, why do you keep people at arm's length? I feel like she asked because she felt close enough to you to put it out there. I know, if it were me, I would be making myself very vulnerable to even ask such a thing. She obviously likes you tons. Talk to her about it- be open with her.
Art_Critic Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Talk to her about it- be open with her. Yeah Shakz.. and it will also be an opportunity to show support for her as well. What is done is done and at this point you can still be there for her in the next coming weeks when it all hits her and she needs someone to talk to. All is not lost..
marsle85 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Yes, you were wrong... you should have gone. No one wants to go to funerals, she certainly didn't. I don't think it was too soon to ask you, as a lot of people attend funerals for people they've only met once or twice. Furthermore, I think you misunderstood her motivation for you to come. I think it has less to do with bonding with you emotionally, than it does having someone hold your hand until the damn funeral is over. No one likes funerals, no one wants to have them, or endure them... she wanted you there because frankly, funerals absolutely suck. But what sucks more than going to a funeral (especially for someone you care about) is going without someone you want there- if only to help pass the time. Moreoever, this wasn't about you. In my opinion, the girl is going through some pretty crappy times-- just adding the pressure of a new relationship's tension is something she doesn't need on her plate. I agree with previous posters, this is something to be upfront about... because while she may not bring it up, it's there. It's not the end of the world, but she deserves and explanation and an apology. Goodluck!
Author Shakz Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 I agree with previous posters, this is something to be upfront about... because while she may not bring it up, it's there. It's not the end of the world, but she deserves and explanation and an apology. Goodluck! Well, we've talked about it and she was remarkably cavalier. She seems to understand my trepidation, and admits that when we talked on the phone she was a bit overcome emotionally. She doesn't hold it against me and reckons I'm an regular guy. Which I am. I will always wish I had gone, but I am a man in love now, and will do what I am asked from this day hence. I really think I'm in love. God bless you all for helping me.
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