Am i the only one??

[benjo0101]

Hi all,

 

I posted on here some months back when i broke up with my ex, my first ever proper gf. im 21, shes now 19. I was 18 and she 16 when we got together and were together for 2 and a half ish years. It wasnt a perfect relationship and really we didnt have anything proper in common apart from we were both a bit outcast from our friendship group and were, for want of a better expression, deemed to be weird.

 

She broke up with me 6 days before christmas day last year, i was sooo stressed out with university studies, working and trying to train for some sporting events (she was not sporty in any way shape or form, all sport was pointless to her so maybe I was fighting a losing battle there). Who breaks up with someone that close to christmas? Well anyway, my christmas, new year and all of january were ruined, we saw each other a few times and it basically turned out she just wanted to go out and be single as she had turned 18.....Now, she also said that i didnt want to go out enough...let me tell you know, if somebody asks me if i wanna go out to party, drink, run, swim, chat, anything! ill be there...im one of the most outgoing people youll meet. And she said that i didnt wanna go out enough.....anyways, im getting off topic and just bitching.

 

there are 2 things id really like your advice on...

 

1. When i was in the releationship i, obviously, didnt need to chat to women as in flirt with women, so i didnt. And as it was my first relationship i didnt get in any practice in my teens or early 20. I can make convo with most people, its not difficult and im a tough person to embaress. But since ive got over her....I cant talk to women, I can socially talk to the people i know, but i cant talk to new women at all! I have no idea why, if you told me to go and give a speech to a million people about job cuts i could do it with out batting an eyelid, but working out how to chat to women totally eludes me... I dont know why, I cant understand it and it totally breaks me down!

 

2. I went out last night for a birthday bash for my best mates gf. She is in the small group of friends held by my ex. So, naturally she was there. Initially i didnt see that as a problem and i courteously said hello, I made a few remarks that i think most people would have just laughed at but she really took offence to (she was very hot tempered, it was like treading on glass talking to her). Now despite being over her and not really caring, she broke up with me and so there is always something there and plus as she was tarted up to go out she was looking stunning. I couldnt help but be attaracted to her...

Another side track that might help here. My brother is going out with another girl in this friendship group, she is very outcast because she is so bitchy and, well, kinda a bitch. She is a nice girl but she will get you into trouble or stich you up without batting an eye. My ex and her...never...ever... got on. So i never really had a good relationship with my bro when i was with my ex. Since weve split my brother are pretty much best mates, its awesome, and to go along with this ive got good friends with his gf (they go literally everywhere together, its pretty scary actually).

From what ive just said you can probably see where im going. My bro was there like usual last night with his gf, i was chatting to her and she was pretty drunk and being a screaming annoying little girl to be honest but i was still laughing with her. I dont think my ex was happy with her being there and being quite all over me and...i dunno...but you get the idea. None of this bothered me at all....

Now when i was with my ex i trusted her totally, she trusted me about as far as she could throw me. I never ever cheated, did anything like that, not even close. She, whilst at various parties i wasnt invited to, snogged about 8 blokes over the course of our relationship, and all real idiots. Ive got a very well paid job, ive got a nice car, good flat, never ever mistreated her...and she was snogging bums who cant find 2 pennies to rub together and are in and out with the police....WHY!!!

Since we split ive heard rumours that she is a bit of a slag, not shagging around (as far as ive heard) but if shes out, if its got legs; she'll snog it. And, again, last night...as soon as we were in the nightclub, 10 minutes after we were in, she had one bloke. Next time i saw her it was someone else...This really ****ed me up, sorry to swear like that but it did, it shouldnt, but it did. Its like (excuse this metaphor), winning a horse race on a fixed horse. The jockey may have won, but in the back of your mind you know anyone on that horse could have won that race. Thats what it felt like for me about our relationship, well done mate, you managed 2 and a half years (in which i pretty much held it together despite her still thinking it was all her doing) with a girl that will pretty much, get with anyone. I felt totally ****, left the club, walked about 6 miles home because id spent all my money. Got very emotional, im 21 years old and im sobbing because of that? Im a tough person in most stuff, ive run serious distance races, bike races, swims. Ive had to deal with a lot in my family. Never once felt like this. Why the hell do i feel like this? What can i do? Am i normal?

 

This is a bit of a long one, sorry guys.

 

Nice to pour it out.

 

It also kind a helps that i can touch type, otherwise that woulda taken all day!

 

Anyone who replies, thanks

 

Cheers

 

benjo0101

[This Hurts]

To answer your question: no, you're not the only one.

 

Something a bit faint I noticed in your post is that you seem to be a pretty typical, prideful guy (I don't mean that in a negative way). I think it will help to accept that even though you're a guy, and you're tough in most aspects, you still have feelings and it's okay for you to feel heartbroken or upset over this girl. You need to know this because you need to allow yourself to feel these things. You are, after all, grieving the death of a relationship; the feelings should be similar to those of an actual death (though maybe not as intense, depending on a couple of factors).

 

Why the hell do i feel like this? What can i do? Am i normal?

 

You feel like this because you're mourning the end of your relationship with this girl. You feel like this because you're human. So, of course you're normal. In this little Coping subdivision of the whole LS forum, there's plenty of us going through the same thing. So trust me, it's not abnormal, and in fact you seem to be a little more grounded than some of us here.

 

What you can do is work (and focus) on yourself, avoid all contact with her, and give it time. The more you see her around, the more you hear things about her from friends about what she's doing, the more she's in your thoughts, and the longer it'll take for you to emotionally detach from her.

 

Now, I'm pretty sure hearing about her hooking up with other guys doesn't do much good to your self esteem. Working on yourself and focusing on yourself not only helps your self esteem—which is usually a bit damaged during a serious breakup—but also deviates your thoughts from her, to you. As for time, just let it go. Time is the main factor in recovering, the rest are just things you can do to help yourself further.

 

As for the social issue you're having, it seems it's just because of the breakup. You said you're an outspoken guy, it takes a lot to embarrass you, etc etc, so it doesn't seem like something major. I would do the things suggested, like exercising or doing anything else that will raise your self esteem. You also mentioned you like to go out a lot, so when you go out, try not to focus on "talking to women" specifically, just allow it to happen. If a woman approaches you, don't think, "Oh, sh*t. It's a woman. How do I do this? I better not mess this up." just talk to her simply as another human being; talk to her as if you were talking to a regular female friend. Before you know it, you'll be comfortable around women in general and then the rest will carry on from there.

 

Good luck and keep posting if you need support.

[Div]

I can really relate to this post.

 

No, you're not the only one!

 

I'm in a very similar situation - im 20, gf is 19, 2.5 yr relationship ended because she wanted "to be single while she's 18".

It's really, really hard. I know. I just found photos of my ex snogging some guy at a club on a mutual friends facebook profile and it cut like a knife.

 

The best thing you can do is distance yourself from her as much as possible. Start exercising, find a hobby you like and try to meet some new people.

 

And instead of looking at every woman as a new potential girlfriend just look at them as if they were your sister or that you've known them for a very long time and you'll find that there's nothing to be afraid of talking to them.

 

Good luck and keep us updated

[benjo0101]

Hi all! I'm back from a very deprssing time with some refreshing news. I went away on a weekend partying this weekend and I met a lovely girl. I'm taking her out on a date tomorrow night, I really need some ideas for where to take her! I have got to know her a bit so it won't be the first time I've met her, is dinner to much? Drinks? Any ideas???

 

Cheers

 

benjo0101