Realy tempted to break NC!!!!!!

[smk]

But you already did it. You already made that last stand. It was the last thing you said to her. The last conversation you had. You said everything you could to win her back. Maybe you cried maybe you didn't. But you said and did everything that could be said. You don't need that last bit of drama to put a stamp on it. It won't help. It won't change the past nor the present and it sure as heck won't change the future. You are on your own now. Your last conversation with her is your last, no matter how much else you have to say. Know inside your heart that you already said what needed to be said and she flushed it anyway. We've all been there. No love doesn't come around everyday but it's out there somewhere. Keep your dignity. Be the man you want to be and stay strong. (Odd, I'm saying this to myself as I say it to you!

 

for some reason as confident as i was that i was moving forward today - it all seems to have fallen flat on my face...

 

there is a part of me now that just wants to have that one last conversation with her, to tell her all the things that were left unsaid, i know there is no reason to do it - she has moved on with her life - but i cant seem to get it out of my head... I actually feel betrayed and dont even know why....

 

I went to my therapist today and normally that helps put things into persepective but, today has definately been a really crap day for me... it started off really well - and then progressively just gotten worse...

 

Thorgs - i know the irony - look at me always telling people to stick to NC and not send the letter and even earlier today telling AC how i wouldnt want to make that 1 last stand - yet here i am a few hours later in such a state its even making me sick... to top if off i have been having panic attacks all day long, and my mind feels like there is a epic war going on in there...

[Treasa]

Thorgs - i know the irony - look at me always telling people to stick to NC and not send the letter and even earlier today telling AC how i wouldnt want to make that 1 last stand - yet here i am a few hours later in such a state its even making me sick... to top if off i have been having panic attacks all day long, and my mind feels like there is a epic war going on in there...

 

Wars require fighters. Are you a fighter? If so, are you fighting for the right side?

 

Of course you feel lousy today. Growth comes out of hard work, not fairies and sunshine.

 

If you can endure the pain and strive to make your life worthwhile, I promise it's going to be worth it.

 

Don't have "one last contact" with her. What good is that going to do? Is it going to change her mind? No. It's just going to show her that you'll always be around, so there's no need for her to put in any effort at all with you.

 

Be man enough to walk away. If she wants to be with you, she'll come find YOU.

[Thorgs]

Thorgs - i know the irony - look at me always telling people to stick to NC and not send the letter and even earlier today telling AC how i wouldnt want to make that 1 last stand - yet here i am a few hours later in such a state its even making me sick... to top if off i have been having panic attacks all day long, and my mind feels like there is a epic war going on in there...

Yeah, I hear ya. All last week I was battling myself. It's a nightmare. I'm still struggling, but slowly I am realizing there's no more hope...or maybe I'm getting better because I think there's hope? I don't know...it's a big mess. I will say, that running made me feel awesome yesterday. I smoke, so running a full mile is hard and I haven't done it since I took a class in college, but I did it and I felt great. Eating right also helps. I wish I was busier with stuff to do, but I just take one day at a time...as much as I'm hurting.

 

And I want to quit smoking all together...any tips?

[smk]

Yeah, I hear ya. All last week I was battling myself. It's a nightmare. I'm still struggling, but slowly I am realizing there's no more hope...or maybe I'm getting better because I think there's hope? I don't know...it's a big mess. I will say, that running made me feel awesome yesterday. I smoke, so running a full mile is hard and I haven't done it since I took a class in college, but I did it and I felt great. Eating right also helps. I wish I was busier with stuff to do, but I just take one day at a time...as much as I'm hurting.

 

And I want to quit smoking all together...any tips?

 

the question is what do you hope for? Do you hope that you can come out of this stronger or are you still hoping for her? If you are hoping to come out of this stronger and better than you were when you first came in - then there is lots of hope - if you are hoping for the latter then look at my state today and answer me honestly (after reading everything I have posted today) do you really want to be the wreck that I am? Trust me you dont. I wouldnt wish the roller coaster I have been on today to my worst enemy. I think we should hope that we become stronger (because we will), hope that we one day we can look back at our experience and truly say that it made us a better person (because it did) and finally one day look back at our ex's and thank them for leaving us because had it not been for this than we wouldnt have become the champions we are...

 

Running is brilliant - everytime I go for a run I feel so much better - like you I used to be a smoker (2 weeks now and only 5 cigarettes as opposed to 280) - when I used to smoke I would not smoke for at least 2 hours before my run. Start off slow - try this its what I used to do basically run at a good constant speed for 1 min then slow down for 1 min - do 10 of those. Every week you want to increase the constant run - so next week do 2 min X 1 min and so on until you get to 5 min X 1 min. eventually once your body has gotten used to it you should be able to do a good steady jog/run for 30 mins over the course of 6 weeks. Try not to smoke for at least 2 hours before the run and make sure you warm up. With running though you have to be really carefull of your knees if you run on the roads - if its track its not too bad. I am aiming to run between 30 - 35 miles a week at the moment. Also always take a day off in between runs. Eventually if you get serious about it you want to aim 4 runs a week doing anywhere between 3 - 5 miles - that a good level and should keep you pretty fit in the process.

 

For smoking I am on the patches and gum. How much do you smoke a day? if more than 15 you need the high strength 24 hr patch for the first 4 weeks. in my first week I would pop a piece of the gum every couple of hours whenever I craved a cigarette now I have maybe 3 pieces of gum altogether...

 

Good to see that you want stop smoking.... keep it up buddy....

[Thorgs]

the question is what do you hope for? Do you hope that you can come out of this stronger or are you still hoping for her? If you are hoping to come out of this stronger and better than you were when you first came in - then there is lots of hope - if you are hoping for the latter then look at my state today and answer me honestly (after reading everything I have posted today) do you really want to be the wreck that I am? Trust me you dont. I wouldnt wish the roller coaster I have been on today to my worst enemy. I think we should hope that we become stronger (because we will), hope that we one day we can look back at our experience and truly say that it made us a better person (because it did) and finally one day look back at our ex's and thank them for leaving us because had it not been for this than we wouldnt have become the champions we are...

 

Running is brilliant - everytime I go for a run I feel so much better - like you I used to be a smoker (2 weeks now and only 5 cigarettes as opposed to 280) - when I used to smoke I would not smoke for at least 2 hours before my run. Start off slow - try this its what I used to do basically run at a good constant speed for 1 min then slow down for 1 min - do 10 of those. Every week you want to increase the constant run - so next week do 2 min X 1 min and so on until you get to 5 min X 1 min. eventually once your body has gotten used to it you should be able to do a good steady jog/run for 30 mins over the course of 6 weeks. Try not to smoke for at least 2 hours before the run and make sure you warm up. With running though you have to be really carefull of your knees if you run on the roads - if its track its not too bad. I am aiming to run between 30 - 35 miles a week at the moment. Also always take a day off in between runs. Eventually if you get serious about it you want to aim 4 runs a week doing anywhere between 3 - 5 miles - that a good level and should keep you pretty fit in the process.

 

For smoking I am on the patches and gum. How much do you smoke a day? if more than 15 you need the high strength 24 hr patch for the first 4 weeks. in my first week I would pop a piece of the gum every couple of hours whenever I craved a cigarette now I have maybe 3 pieces of gum altogether...

 

Good to see that you want stop smoking.... keep it up buddy....

Thanks for the advice. I guess I'm hoping she will come back, but at the same time I know she wont. So I'm bettering myself (i.e.- runs, quit smoking, eating better...and soon maybe working out.) I run on roads/sidewalks and my right knee is killing me. I think it would be the same problem if I ran on a track.

 

I tried patches before, but they didn't work. I only smoke between 5-8 a day, but I've been cutting back a lot. Now I'm aiming for 2-4 a day. I really should get the gum, I've heard good things about it...and if the kids want it at work I'll have to say too bad, this is adult gum!

[smk]

Thanks for the advice. I guess I'm hoping she will come back, but at the same time I know she wont. So I'm bettering myself (i.e.- runs, quit smoking, eating better...and soon maybe working out.)

 

I think it takes us a while before we sort of just stop hoping - nothing wrong with hoping and dreaming, but I think we need to get to that point where we accept that no matter what they left us. I am going to repeat this to myself for as long as it takes, that she left me, she quit on us, she gave up, she stopped thinking I was worth the fight, hence its her loss, and you know what if she does come back then I will cross that hurdle when I get there. I think the sooner we start doing that the sooner we will start taking them off the pedestal. Again I know seeing my posts of the last few days does make me a little bit of a hypocrite, I am now starting to look at the bad days we had, as much as I dont want to (simply because its alot easier seeing the good days) we still had bad days, we still had moments where some horrible things were said and done and by reminding myself of those (as hard as it is) makes me realise that yes in my eyes she was and always will be a great person, yet she wasnt perfect by any chance, she could be just as nasty as she could nice and I think the first step to moving forward is realising this.

 

I run on roads/sidewalks and my right knee is killing me. I think it would be the same problem if I ran on a track.

 

Whoops forgot to warn you, running on the roads will wreck your knees over the long term - i fell of a horse as a teenager and badly damaged my right knee so it really hurts, but if you invest in a good pair of trainers and a knee support it works for me. When I started just like you I had difficulty running a full mile, I am now up to alternating between short runs (4 miles) and long runs (6 miles) at least 4 times a week. It just takes practice, and the best part it you can take out all your emotions on the road, and at the end of the the release of the endorphins will make you feel great.

 

I tried patches before, but they didn't work. I only smoke between 5-8 a day, but I've been cutting back a lot. Now I'm aiming for 2-4 a day. I really should get the gum, I've heard good things about it...and if the kids want it at work I'll have to say too bad, this is adult gum!

 

I think different things work for different people - 5 -8 a day is great - I used to be a 20 - 25 a day guy myself. I reckon if you got to 2 - 4 a day thats good - I also gave up partly because I am also training for the London Marathon next year and to complete it in the time I would like, there is no way I can be a smoker. Try the gum - the low strength one - that may work and yeah you dont have to give the kids any too...LOL...

[txsilkysmoothe]

Just want to offer my support SMK.

 

Your thoughts and feelings are normal and to be expected. Knowing that will help you to not feel jolted by them, not feel as if you must act or "do something" whenever the thoughts, feelings, or dreams occur.

 

This too shall pass, baby.................

[smk]

Just want to offer my support SMK.

 

Your thoughts and feelings are normal and to be expected. Knowing that will help you to not feel jolted by them, not feel as if you must act or "do something" whenever the thoughts, feelings, or dreams occur.

 

This too shall pass, baby.................

 

thank you and everyone for the support that I have received here on LS - it has really helped me cope - especially the last few days which have been really hard on me.

 

I am learning to cope with all my different emotions and feeling - it is a slow and treacherous journey, but I am sure that results will pay off. I am slowly trying to reprogram my mind to change my way of thinking and to leanr to accept that she is no longer a part of my life.

 

Day 15 of NC

[lullaby]

thank you and everyone for the support that I have received here on LS - it has really helped me cope - especially the last few days which have been really hard on me.

 

I am learning to cope with all my different emotions and feeling - it is a slow and treacherous journey, but I am sure that results will pay off. I am slowly trying to reprogram my mind to change my way of thinking and to leanr to accept that she is no longer a part of my life.

 

Day 15 of NC

 

Smk, you're 100% right about the results, they will pay off!!! You're still riding in the rollercoaster!

 

As txsilkysmoothe said, there isn't much you have to do when these feelings come, just know they're there and let them go their way. You'll see they come less often as time passes.

 

One of the first greatest steps towards recovery is realizing what you feel and what you can learn from that.

It's so f*** hard, I'm still coping with that at moments.

 

In a month, you'll look back and you won't believe how much you accomplished and even if you do still miss her, because of course you will, you won't have enough strength to continue dueling with the negative stuff and you will simply choose to smile.

[spriggig]

I take a different view of this. I think one of the quickest ways to learn to stay in NC is to break NC. Pain enhances learning and retention. Go ahead and break NC expecting to be rejected and hurt. Do it on a Friday so you don't have to go to work the next day. Have something planned for Sunday with friends.

 

In other words, break NC on your terms, planning to be hurt so the animal you that keeps wanting this against your own better judgment can learn the hard way and the intellectual you can perhaps move on. Doing so should lessen the temptation to do it again at the very least.

 

No, I haven't tried this, I'm forced into LC because of our son. But, I think I do much better on LC than most people seem to do on NC.

[lullaby]

I take a different view of this. I think one of the quickest ways to learn to stay in NC is to break NC. Pain enhances learning and retention. Go ahead and break NC expecting to be rejected and hurt. Do it on a Friday so you don't have to go to work the next day. Have something planned for Sunday with friends.

 

In other words, break NC on your terms, planning to be hurt so the animal you that keeps wanting this against your own better judgment can learn the hard way and the intellectual you can perhaps move on. Doing so should lessen the temptation to do it again at the very least.

 

No, I haven't tried this, I'm forced into LC because of our son. But, I think I do much better on LC than most people seem to do on NC.

 

Good point.

 

I did it in the past and realized that for me to get what I wanted from him was sooooo much effort from my part that I wasn't willing to put myself through it after so much suffering. But yes, I couldn't understand it at first, while doing NC, and now I know that even if I may have LC with him, I don't feel tempted to contact him and I'm doing fine, but because I know where that path leads me, right?

[DenverBachelor]

Day 15 of NC

 

Try not to count them. I know at first for me, counting them felt like I was actually counting down to when we'd speak again. Once I got into the triple digits of NC, I stopped counting -- mainly because I didn't care about it any longer.

 

Once you get to that point, you'll look back and realize that it was all just a strengthening of the soul process. Eventually, you'll discover things about yourself, about her and about relationships in general that just sort of reveal themselves to you.

 

At first you will spend 90% of your day thinking about them. Then it becomes 80%, 70%, 60%, etc. Then one day you will find that you didn't really think of them at all throughout the day. Maybe once or twice in passing. That's when you will become indifferent. The anger, the depression and pain just disappear. You will feel like a new man with new priorities and new goals.

 

... And just when you get to that point, they'll call.

[smk]

Lullaby - Yeah I agree with this – I am slowly starting to realise that the feelings and emotions will come and go, and I just have to deal with them as that happens. I think once you hit that realisation and accepting that no matter what I do I will have a whole different range of emotions to deal with, can I truly learn to control how they affect me, some will bring happiness, some will bring sadness, but isn’t that the what life is about???? We all have to go through up’s and down’s in life and its what we learn from these moments, that truly defines the person we are the quality of the life we have lived.

 

As you said I think the key here is to focus on the present, and work on bettering my future rather than dwelling in my past. As you you and txsilkysmoothe said, one day I guess you just reach that point where you no longer have the strength to deal with the negative stuff and simply choose to smile.

 

 

Spriggig – IMHO NC is a double edged sword, for some people it works and other LC works better, I think you have to try both avenues and see which one works better for you. At the moment NC works better for me because ATM simply because I have too many emotions at the surface, I do however hope that in time when we have both moved on that we can still be friends, because for the time we were together she was my best friend and I think that hurts more than the loss of the relationship. At the end of the day we are all human and we do all crave that companionship with someone who has a strong bond to us (if I recall DB – felt something similar – I got this impression from his Moving on – Final chapter thread), be that a friend, a family member, or a lover – for me the only I felt that strong emotional bond / connection with was her.

 

I did break NC last week though she initiated it, so I am not sure if it counts, I simply replied to her text, and there was a part of me that hoped that she would reply and declare her undying love for me, yet another part of me knew not to expect anything. She didn’t reply and that wrecked me for the next few days, but had it not, then I wouldn’t have been at the place I am right now, which is a little bit better, because she broke my “expectations” it helped me take another very small step forward.

 

DenverBachelor – I think the reason I count the days is simply because I am trying to make myself feel better, but in essence it doesn’t help – I think I am still in a little bit of the denial stage and think that by counting the days it may change things, but the truth is it wont. Again I think like you said it happens gradually where you reach a point where you just simply stop counting.

 

In a way I have a lot to thank her for, the break has made a lot of suppressed feelings and emotions come to surface and now I am dealing with them, who knows maybe they may never have come up or maybe they would have at a later stage and then things would have been worse. It has also made me realise a lot of things about her, see things in a different light, things that I think I chose subconsciously to ignore while we were together. As humans we all have insecurities that stem from our past relationships, things that have been instilled in us as we move grow from children to becoming adults, things that become our perspective, and these things can sometimes have either a positive effect or a negative effect, yet they invariably play a key part in the choices that we make in all aspects of our life. I am beginning this path to discovery and hopefully it will eventually make me a better person.

 

... And just when you get to that point, they'll call.

 

= and profess their undying love for you, and want you back, at which point you will then set off into the sunset and live happily ever after

 

….. and then wake up from that dream…

 

Live each day to its fullest, embrace each moment like its your last, and live for the present, for the past is gone, and the future we don’t know…