SassyKitten Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 After my extremely recent breakup and reflecting back over my string of prior relationships, all of whom have qualified as emotional f*ckwits or worse, I have come to the decision that from now on I am only getting involved in a relationship with someone who I have been friends with for a while first. I am too traumatized to engage in dating as we know it, and while I know not all men are vile I still have trouble trusting them. I have tried being platonic friends with guys many times before, but have only really had much luck with this when they're either gay or attached. Actually gay guys seem to like me, a lot! The longest one of these friendships has lasted with a single, straight man before he does try to get in my pants is a month. I guess I'm not exactly beat with the ugly stick, I do take care of myself, so I feel like this is essential in order to screen out men who only care about that and not the many parts of me that go beyond the way I look. I really want to find the love of my life so badly also, although I've learned the hard way recently that I have too much on in my life for this to be able to happen. In the mean time, I do have a sex drive like anyone else, but as I am also a woman who gets insanely attached to anyone she does have sex with I've found that self-service is so much more satisfying than sex without love, friends with benefits, etc. So, how do I go about forming lasting platonic friendships with available, straight men, whether or not they actually lead to a relationship? Thanks for any insight.
zengirl Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 First of all, if you're only forming platonic friendships with guys you'd potentially want to date, it's way harder. I have happened to date some male friends, but they weren't my better friends (more in the circle, but not 1-on-1 friends). I think platonic friendships have to be really platonic to work and be close. If you dig someone, even if you're holding back for whatever reason, that's not platonic. I don't have a huge gallery of close male friends, but I always manage to find a few wherever I go. My closest male friend where I am now I met at trivia. We're on the same team (guys and gals) that plays every week. He and I started hanging out more because we had a lot in common. Basically. . . I make male friends the same way I make female friends. I like a lot of nerdy boy things (sci fi, comics, video games, etc). None of my close male friends have ever expressed romantic interest in me---I think it'd be impossible to be close if they did. Some of my more peripheral male friends have, but we respect each other as friends/people, even though there's no chance we'd date. Honestly, I don't know how to go about what you're saying. I think making a group of co-ed friends is the best thing. Getting to know people as people. Including people you don't find attractive/wouldn't date.* But. . . intending to date one's friends is a bit trickier. *Actually, one of my best male friends did hit on me once AND is totally not dating material and anyone who dated him would probably think he was a "f*ckwit," (I do think he's fairly honest about it---I mean, I could see his f*ckwittery coming from a mile away, which is what led to our friendship) as you put it. He's like a big brother to me, and he's a great friend/big brother. At any rate, I'm a pretty girl. And, yeah, some of my male friends were folks I met when I was dating someone else, but sometimes I was free and they still didn't try to get in my pants. Then again, I don't even date guys who actively try to get in my pants (it's not really a trying thing; either we want to build a relationship, or we don't), and I'm really open about my ideas about dating, sex, etc, with people. Everyone who gets to know me well enough to consider me a "friend" pretty much knows where I stand about things. I think it's just that I'm open about it. There's no giant mystery. If I'm into someone, I make that clear. If I just want to be friends, I make that clear. I've been told I'm "easy to get to know" lots of times (by men and women). And those kind of misunderstandings -- a guy trying to be a gal's friend to get a date with her -- are more likely to be built on mystery. I try very hard to be anything but mysterious (without being creepy and TMI about it), as I find people who like mystery are incompatible with me, as friends or lovers.
Author SassyKitten Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 I'm completely with you, I don't try to play the mysterious game at all! Besides friendship, honesty, as well as trust are the critical building blocks of the relationship I want. To me, playing mysterious = building a relationship based on dishonesty. I did at one time try forming friendships with men, and not just those I was interested in, the problem was they were interested in me like that which made things awkward. The co-ed group thing sounds like a great idea. I don't know if it's too realistic in the area I'm living in, as I'm 28 and people tend to marry very, very young in Georgia, but I'm also going to be moving away from here next year so that's definitely something to keep in mind.
somedude81 Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 So, how do I go about forming lasting platonic friendships with available, straight men, Why would you even want to form platonic friendships with available, straight men? Is your goal to keep him on the backburner if nothing better arrives? Why should an available, straight man even want to have a platonic friendship?
Author SassyKitten Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 A number of reasons, such as friendship being the essential foundation for any relationship, learning how to relate to men as people, etc. It's definitely not about keeping anyone on the backburner!
somedude81 Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 I understand wanting to have a good friendship before a relationship. But do you really expect an available, straight man to be fine with a platonic friendship? How much time do you want to pass before he tries to get in your pants? You must also realize that you're not in high school anymore. The guys in your age range are not going to sit around waiting months for you to decide to let sex happen. More than likely if you're making them wait they will be dating other girls at the same time.
Author SassyKitten Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 I am of the school of thought though that if its meant to be with a guy, then he wouldn't be holding down another relationship with someone else if he was crazy about me. Besides, it's not all about sex, and in my experience when relationships are all about that they don't last. I wouldn't say it as a strict timeline, but long enough to know that their true nature is consistant with the first impression they give me and to build trust. That, and I've had the bad experience several times of having sex with a man quickly and then finding out he had a girlfriend he didn't bother telling me about, and in one case, a pregnant wife.
BentSpine Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 A number of reasons, such as friendship being the essential foundation for any relationship,I believe the essential foundation of a romantic relationship is not friendship, but sexual attraction. Your strategy won't work: What you want to do, igniting a friendship romantically, cannot be planned and arranged. somedude81 speaks wisely.
NeoGen85 Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 When you're actively looking for love it can be hard to form platonic relationships with the opposite sex. Especially if both people who are seeking a friendship constantly have wandering eyes. For myself, most of the woman that I have a platonic relationship with are old high school/college buddies, friend's of my older sister(for obvious reasons since I could never touch), and female friend's I have met through my girlfriend.
Author SassyKitten Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 Yeah, but it is so, so risky. Between bad sex, finding out I'm the other woman, and getting emotionally attached to someone who doesn't deserve me. I can appreciate that sex is different for a man though. I've had a few gay male friends say they, um, find it to be very easy to be the giver in sex without emotional attachment but very difficult to be the receiver without feeling attached.
somedude81 Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Besides, it's not all about sex, and in my experience when relationships are all about that they don't last. A relationship doesn't have to be about sex for it to happen. But sex is pretty much a necessity for any guy. I wouldn't say it as a strict timeline, but long enough to know that their true nature is consistant with the first impression they give me and to build trust. That, and I've had the bad experience several times of having sex with a man quickly and then finding out he had a girlfriend he didn't bother telling me about, and in one case, a pregnant wife. It seems like you weren't asking the right questions or you simply found some very dishonest men.
Author SassyKitten Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 Sex is no more of a necessity for a guy than it is for a girl. But at the same time, society lets men get away with being sexual so much more, so they don't end up repressing this need out of necessity. Ok, if I wasn't asking the right questions, what questions should I be asking?
NeoGen85 Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Sex is no more of a necessity for a guy than it is for a girl. But at the same time, society lets men get away with being sexual so much more, so they don't end up repressing this need out of necessity. Ok, if I wasn't asking the right questions, what questions should I be asking? Could your question be..where do I meet good men?
Author SassyKitten Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 I don't go to bars to meet men. Of course, there's good and bad people everywhere.
sagetalk Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Platonic friendships are exactly that. You aren't attracted to him, he's not attracted to you. That's why it works. To try and turn them into a romantic interest will result in many uncomfortable situations. Date respectable guys and you won't have to worry about making them friends first.
You'reasian Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 After my extremely recent breakup and reflecting back over my string of prior relationships, all of whom have qualified as emotional f*ckwits or worse, I have come to the decision that from now on I am only getting involved in a relationship with someone who I have been friends with for a while first. I am too traumatized to engage in dating as we know it, and while I know not all men are vile I still have trouble trusting them. I have tried being platonic friends with guys many times before, but have only really had much luck with this when they're either gay or attached. Actually gay guys seem to like me, a lot! The longest one of these friendships has lasted with a single, straight man before he does try to get in my pants is a month. I guess I'm not exactly beat with the ugly stick, I do take care of myself, so I feel like this is essential in order to screen out men who only care about that and not the many parts of me that go beyond the way I look. I really want to find the love of my life so badly also, although I've learned the hard way recently that I have too much on in my life for this to be able to happen. In the mean time, I do have a sex drive like anyone else, but as I am also a woman who gets insanely attached to anyone she does have sex with I've found that self-service is so much more satisfying than sex without love, friends with benefits, etc. So, how do I go about forming lasting platonic friendships with available, straight men, whether or not they actually lead to a relationship? Thanks for any insight. Women do not friend guys they are insanely attracted to. Vice versa. I'd recommend reflecting on what you are attracted to and why that is - then coming up with ways of quickly assessing if the guy you are with is someone who will potentially love you and take care of you.
Author SassyKitten Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 My first thought after thinking about this for a minute is starting to make a 3 date policy before I even kiss, a few more dates before anything else. That way, if they're after another notch in their bedpost, they'll run before too much damage is done.
sagetalk Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 My first thought after thinking about this for a minute is starting to make a 3 date policy before I even kiss, a few more dates before anything else. That way, if they're after another notch in their bedpost, they'll run before too much damage is done. You have just made a very wise decision.
NeoGen85 Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 I don't mind a woman with a sexual appetite. But if you are looking for a man, and decide to use sex(even if it's partial to your game) as a preemptive strike then you might find yourself more disappointed then happy. The way to find a man who isn't just after sex is to not have sex with him. If he's still with you, and serious about the relationship then he might be worth keeping.
paddington bear Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 From personal experience, I would say avoid 'being friends' with guys in the hope that it will lead somewhere. And rather make it clear you are interested, but want to take it slow. Guys friendzone girls too. If you don't spark off some kind of sexual interest in the beginning - enough to make them hang around for that 3rd date kiss, then you'll get the whole 'let's just be friends' 'doing anything more would ruin the friendship' blah blah. Problem is, I think being friends with a guy first works for girls, you slowly get to know them, build up emotional intimacy and can fall for them, but if you do that, you run the risk of being off the guy's sexual radar and find yourself in love with someone who is not attracted to you 'in that way'. To sum up: Don't be friends, but do do along with your plan of taking it slow to weed out the notch in the bedpost guys.
Author SassyKitten Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 Thanks everyone, good advice! Now would you say most guys would be ok with not kissing before we've had the exclusivity talk?
You'reasian Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Thanks everyone, good advice! Now would you say most guys would be ok with not kissing before we've had the exclusivity talk? Nope. Kissing is important.
Author SassyKitten Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 See, I get very emotionally attached from kissing! The idea that a guy can kiss me but still feel free to see other woman creeps me out.
somedude81 Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Thanks everyone, good advice! Now would you say most guys would be ok with not kissing before we've had the exclusivity talk? See, I get very emotionally attached from kissing! The idea that a guy can kiss me but still feel free to see other woman creeps me out. It all makes sense now. As for finding a guy who will wait three dates and agree to be exclusive before you kiss and not be going out with other women at the same time, I wish you luck.
You'reasian Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 (edited) See, I get very emotionally attached from kissing! The idea that a guy can kiss me but still feel free to see other woman creeps me out. Then once you've kissed, tell him that this is very special for you and that you're not the kind to kiss around. Tell him you want to talk more about this and explain. Edited July 25, 2010 by You'reasian
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