kb1976 Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 OK...need help from those with some skills or experience in successful relationship conflict resolution. Have been living with Girlfriend for 9 months and we have had some very serious conflicts. Most of the conflicts are about nothing really (someone says something the other doesn't like, small misunderstanding, etc) but through the process of dealing with it, it escalates and escalates. The level of conflict and the feeling of being powerless to resolve them often sends me into a rage that I have not experienced since I was a child with no contol over my emotions. What I struggle with the most is that I repeatadely ask for soem boundries with respect to the conflict. For example this moring, we were arguing on the phone and I was trying to get the house ready for an open house + had my son with me. Not having time or not wanting to argue with him there, I asked if we could continue the converstaion at a later time, even thought it wasn't resolved. Is is OK to ask that and would/should partner respect a request like that? Secondly, after a few days of conflict, I begin to shut down emotionally form the stress. Although I want to talk to resolve the conflict, when things get to heated/frustrated I need to leave the conversation recognizes I can no longer cope with the situation and tha anger/frustration. Again, should partner respect that need? I am fully open to taking ownership/responsibility if I am not living up to my role as a partner, but the way things are right now scare me. I several times have had to literal run out of the house to get away from girlfriend who will not let the argument go, after I have I told her I need a break and cannot continue. ...the more I think about it the more that scares me...I have tried to expalin to her my needs but not sure if anyting will change (it hasn't yet) any opinions would be appreciated.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 My opinion is yes to the first question and no to the second . . . . sort of. When you have responsibilities and you're in the middle of arguing with someone, then you can't help it that you have to leave. That's just the way it is and I would never suggest that you ignore your responsibilities to continue a fight. But as for the second thing . . . . that just isn't fair at all. Checking out emotionally is wrong if you actually want to have a relationship with someone. You need to be there completely and work hard to resolve conflicts and come up with compromises with your partner or you're not going to resolve the conflict ever. By shutting yourself down, you're actually not fixing anything. You're just making the fight impossible to resolve because you have to really be there emotionally and things for it to be resolved. You can't just ignore your problems. It's not a healthy way of doing things. They don't just magically disappear because you can't handle dealing with them. But there are some exceptions to both these rules . . . . I understand needing some time alone to cool off sometimes. Constant conflict is very stressful and no one wants to deal with that all the time. Just know that doing this can breed resentment for your partner if you have to do it constantly because you're getting joy out of being away from her and severing your connection with her purposefully. It is needed some times, but I hope it's not a very regular thing. Just don't be excessive about it. You need to have moments of bonding with her as well. After you resolve a fight, for instance, make sure you and her do something really fun to ease the tension and resentment between you two and remind you of why you like her so much. Otherwise, even though the conflict is over, you might continue to feel oppressed or tied down by her. Also, even when you do have to leave or do some sort of responsibility or something, try to be understanding if she freaks out to the point where she calls you or something (and answer the phone whenever you can.) Let me put it this way . . . You try to control the conflict by getting away from it. Girls try to control conflict by talking about it and trying to find a resolution. Just know that when you don't talk to a girl about a problem or run away from it, that you make it feel like the situation is a million times more out of control for them because it's impossible for them to get a resolution with you. When my boyfriend and I fight, I usually just cry a whole lot until I can talk to him again. XD It's better to call when you say you would during these instances (because if you don't call or see the girl, she's going to freak out more and know that you are resenting her) and just to let her know that you're not giving up on anything by talking to her for five minutes a day at least (until you can handle talking about feelings again) and that you're determined to find a solution to the problem eventually and won't completely block her out of your life just because you're upset. That things will work out and she doesn't need to worry or cry and that you don't want her to cry and be sad like that. But yea, she is going to have to just deal with it when you have a responsibility to attend to or really, really need a day or two away from the situation. I've had to do that with my boyfriend and it sucks and I'm usually completely miserable those days, but relationships (and fighting) are about compromises. So there's going to be some moments when she needs to let you have her space and you're going to have to work on being open emotionally and not running away every time you have a fight for more than a day (it happens to ALL couples) so that you two can actually resolve your fights.
Recommended Posts