califnan Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 I wanted to reply to 2Sure. Wow, you have ABSOLUTELY NAILED this. It's what I have also been thinking all along. In fact, this is what he said to me just yesterday when he was sitting on the bed before he left. Word for word his quotes to me, "You are going to think this is wrong of me to say, but for some reason I JUST want to to know what it's like to live like they do." !!!!!! So I said to him "really?? You are going to sacrifice me, who you claim to love and your children just to feel what it's like to be wealthy?" and he didn't answer yes or no, it was just a look he gave me. And this woman and her family have old money, it goes way back. Her parents must have started a family business and it just trickled down to her and her siblings (I think there are 5 of them, parents are deceased). I asked him months ago how much money she was worth and he said about 20 million. And yes, you have described his character to a T...Mr. Big Shot in companies he works for. Very arrogant, likes to be in charge, wants nice things, and although never seemed jealous of what other people have, he has always wanted for himself. Then came crushing blow to his ego with getting fired from extremely large company, during the time of the employment crisis. No where to go, no one hiring for the kind of money he was making etc. Someone mentioned depression. OH FOR SURE!! I have seen him cry more in this past year than I ever have in 16 years with this man. He needs counseling ASAP. But won't go. He is anti-counseling. Anti-meds, Anti-doctors. He is a man who refuses to see it for what is really happening to him, and the kids and I are getting dragged through the mud with all of this. Someone asked me if I love him....Yes, without a doubt. Do I want him back?? Some days yes, other days no. I go back and forth between understanding what he is going through. Reading so many books that explain it and it does make sense to me. But do I want to wait here for him to figure out what he wants, not really...because he left me for her and his own selfishness. Some days I feel sorry for him, and that is just me...I always find compassion for people instead of kicking them to the curb. Some days I like that about myself, that I am such a forgiving individual and that when I reach the pearly gates that God would be pleased. But being a door mat is also not something that God would not want me to do. I am not a religious person...but I do believe in HIM...and I have sat here many nights going, "Okay Lord this is in your hands, take the wheel now"....I guess that is where I am at in all this. I am moving on with my life, without him...I have made some arrangements to take a quilting class because I have always wanted to learn that...I am attending a large hair show in a month, and putting all my effort in to educating myself more into my business and the potential to make even more money in my job than I already do. I am attending support groups for what I am going through and actually meeting Anne Bercht in person tonight if anyone knows who she is? (Author of "My Husbands Affair was the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me)...she wrote a great book on a very similar situation as mine about her husband. My girls are starting school soon, so I will be very active in their after school activities, cheer, softball, gymnastics etc. and he will be with his OW experiencing what it's like to be rich. There is nothing else I can do. What would have to happen for me to take him back this time? Well I could say for him to get down on his knees begging me to take him back, but that's in the movies. I would say, the letter writing to the other woman telling her it's over...no contact, no emails, no texting, no phonecalls....no nothing. But the thing that worries me, is the fact that she is telling him that she loves him, and he has told her a few times too. I honestly don't think he is "in love" but I do think she is. How easy is it going to be for him to break up with her if this is what he eventually wants? I don't think it will be for either of them. It's all just so sad and messed up and I just want to get so far away from it. -------------------------- Sounds like you are progressing (moving forward) positively .. Go to your hair show .. and continue to embellish your life.. If mama wants him badly enough, let her finance him .. Let the "A" play out ..
Author JLB Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 Why is everyone attacking this MW she has not done anything that most of us would do in this situation.I am sure she was in shock and she is the victim.Her cheating husband is the one doing wrong and this OW had no right befriending her daughter.Allot of good support is what she needs.This old hag of other woman should know better and has not learned nothing.He is attracted to her money and her to his youth most people try to better their selfs.Put the blame where it belongs on the cheater that exposed his daughter to other woman to begin with and the OW that befriended her.Lets give this woman some support she came to get.. I'm sorry I used the word bashing. I was just in a mood last night. Yes, Califnan and a lot of others have been supportive and extremely helpful in sorting this out with me. I thank you for your kind words. I am only human, I am not perfect either. My kids love me very much...I would never do anything to hurt them or bring them into our drama on purpose.I was being selfish about the FB pictures and my curiosity. I AM trying to show them what a woman is not supposed to put up with. I don't bash their dad in front of them. In fact, I always tell them that I love their dad...always have. I tell them that I was trying to keep our family together. I never once told him to get out, it was his decision to leave us. I have done the begging, and the crying and the "baby don't leave me's and the never will agains'" (sounds like a Reba song) but it's not 100% about what I didn't do though, although I thought it was.
woinlove Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Um, why are you ignoring the elephant and focusing on the history of your marriage? It's like you conveniently forgot the "why would you want a man back who cheated on you for months, lied to you, betrayed you, moved out to be with the OW, is still heavily involved in a relationship with her, and then tells you he is in love with her?" I wouldn't think there was anything to think about after that gem of a revelation about him. Don't let it slip your mind while you muse over his not liking Halloween as a reason to kick him to the curb... If you take him back, you will be no better than the OW you accuse of being used by him for money, as he would be coming back to you for the same reason. Actually, I think focussing on the negative traits displayed over 16 years is a useful way for JLB to disengage and begin to move on. If one focusses solely on the A, one might be swayed when the H comes back saying he doesn't love the OW, has ended that, and wants to be married again -- as most do, whether it is true or not.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 I'm sorry I used the word bashing. I was just in a mood last night. Yes, Califnan and a lot of others have been supportive and extremely helpful in sorting this out with me. I thank you for your kind words. I am only human, I am not perfect either. My kids love me very much...I would never do anything to hurt them or bring them into our drama on purpose.I was being selfish about the FB pictures and my curiosity. I AM trying to show them what a woman is not supposed to put up with. I don't bash their dad in front of them. In fact, I always tell them that I love their dad...always have. I tell them that I was trying to keep our family together. I never once told him to get out, it was his decision to leave us. I have done the begging, and the crying and the "baby don't leave me's and the never will agains'" (sounds like a Reba song) but it's not 100% about what I didn't do though, although I thought it was. No worries I cant Imagen how painful all of this is for you I myself only had the child's perspective to add as I lived that 1st hand so thats what I passed on. It was honestly in no way meant to upset/disrespect you op. I think your loser H is doing a fine job of that himself what goes around comes around tho I do believe that hole hartly ok I will pass this onto other LSers who maybe have more of a BSs view and can help you out more Take care..
Author JLB Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Um, why are you ignoring the elephant and focusing on the history of your marriage? It's like you conveniently forgot the "why would you want a man back who cheated on you for months, lied to you, betrayed you, moved out to be with the OW, is still heavily involved in a relationship with her, and then tells you he is in love with her?" I wouldn't think there was anything to think about after that gem of a revelation about him. Don't let it slip your mind while you muse over his not liking Halloween as a reason to kick him to the curb... If you take him back, you will be no better than the OW you accuse of being used by him for money, as he would be coming back to you for the same reason. Jilly, I don't think you understand what I was saying. Yes, of course the big huge elephant is not being ignored...those other things are in addition to the fact. He wouldn't come back to me for my money if that is what you are implying. This man has too much pride to ever let me spend any of MY money on him. I was the one who wanted to move out and get my own place, pay my own rent, pay my own way and be done with him. He wouldn't let me leave our house. He continues to pay the mortgage, mine and the kids health insurance, all utilities, alarm system AND puts money into my checking account every other week to cover groceries, school clothes and any thing else we need. My name is not on the mortgage, so he told me I could HAVE the house. He has agreed to get it put into writing, that he will continue to pay the mortgage till however many years it takes to pay off and then hand it over to me free and clear. I have never been worried about him not doing these things. Call it guilt or whatever...but it is something he has made sure I knew that he would continue to do regardless of what happens to us. You might ask...where is he getting the money from to pay all these things? Although unemployed he has been working with a friend who has been paying him for his consultation on big jobs, so he has been collecting some payment. He has yet to borrow or use her money. I would know about that...but someone here mentioned he could be waiting for her to give him a business loan and I 100% agree with that statement. I think that is exactly what he is waiting for.
Jilly Bean Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 My name is not on the mortgage, so he told me I could HAVE the house. He has agreed to get it put into writing, that he will continue to pay the mortgage till however many years it takes to pay off and then hand it over to me free and clear. I have never been worried about him not doing these things. Be VERY careful about this thinking. He has now proven himself to be an opportunist, a liar, a betrayer, and a cheat. I wouldn't take ANYTHING he tells you at face value, as he should have absolutely no credibility with you right now. Do you own the house? Meaning, are you on the deed? If he is as well, I'd get a quit claim pronto. Until you file D on him, his continued debts will continue to be your problem. I'm not trying to rile you up, but don't be so quick to trust anything about him. You thought you knew this man, and he has shown you you didn't at all... I'd be doing more than taking a quilting class. I'd be at the lawyer's, filing D, and protecting the assets that you have built on your own. And how would you know if she was giving him money, or paying his bills? He already admitted to you that he's attracted to her lifestyle (being very wealthy). She represents right now what he failed at, and lacks, and that's going to be a pretty big draw for quite a while. He's really a megadouche. No one deserves this.
Spark1111 Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Spark, I would love to hear more about your story...do you have a link to your own story? Did he ever come crawling back or want you back? What did you do? Does he still want you back? Did he end up with OW? In my heart I know he will be back, I just don't know what I really want. I went to bed last night and tossed and turned till 4 am. It was horrible. I ended up having to medicate myself just to go to sleep. My mind would not turn off over this. It will be the same tonight I know. I keep asking myself, do I want this man who would never spend a New Years Eve with me and would go to bed at 9 am. Do I want a man who didn't like any of my friends, who would never attend a BBQ or anything my friends invited us to? Do I want this man who would get irritated with me when I was sick and coughing during the night ("can you go take care of that??!!) Do I want this man who told me to "suck it up, it's only a sprained ankle" when I fell down the stairs in my house and shattered my ankle on one side and a jagged break on the other, (long story but emergency room misdiagnosed it as a sprain, 2 months later I found out it was badly broken) but I was in agonizing pain 2 days after the ER visit and couldn't sleep and he was very annoyed with me because it hurt so bad. Do I want this man who when I found out it was broken that I need surgery to re-break my ankle in a 2 hour surgery who sat and read the newspaper as I laid in pre-op scared to death with tears running down my face, and he ignored me and acted like he was really into the days news. Or after the surgery, where he left me all day long in the hospital and then later told me it was because he wanted me to rest, when I really wanted my family there? A man who doesn't believe in God, a man who doesn't believe in church, a man who doesn't believe in Christmas or Easter, Valentines Day, Halloween...or any fun holiday. These are the things going through my head everynight. And there is soooooo much more to him. He has always been generous, I give him that much. I have never wanted for anything. And he says that is how he shows his love, by providing. Lots to think about...... Well yes....he did come crawling back begging me to reconcile. Living with her every day broke the "affair fantasy" for him. Seeing how happy and self-sustaining we were without him also devastated him. My point to him: You have been Ghost Dad and Ghost Lover for so long, how has my life really changed since your affair? It really hadn't. He hadn't VALUED ME AND MY LOVE AND DEVOTION to him for a very long time, and the affair was my catharsis for realizing it. But I resisted communicating with him about "us" for a very long time. Like you, I went into the highlight reel of every rude and inconsiderate gesture on his part I had swallowed as we all do in a long-term relationship. So, my love bubble regarding him burst too. And the resentment was huge, as is to be expected when you have self-sacrificed and endured less than stellar behavior from man who then betrays you for reasons that have nothing to do with you, but has all to do with the feeding of a very weak ego by stranger/strangers. My husband too had been out of work and had some health issues. When he landed a new prestigious job, we all breathed a sigh of relief because we realized how he so defined himself by his status and position. But that is when he crashed into her and her admiration for all he portrayed himself to be --a big player--was the match to the affair's start. When I got to the point where I would even consider reconciling, I had many, many conditions for what I called "us, only better." IC and MC, reading, researching and learning together. Enforcement of boundaries. Respectful and considerate behavior at all times and in all areas of our marital life. Date me. Woo me. Do no LESS in the treatment of me as you did for her. Try to impress me. Pay attention to me. I was determined to have they loving relationship I had always wanted....with or without him.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 So Im assuming you're getting custody of the kids? I would limit his visitation to once a week or once a month, and then I'd sue his ass for spousal and child support. Rather the money goes in your pockets than the the OW. It's definitely not the end of the world, but you got to be strong emotionally to lift yourself up.
2sure Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 If you want to inject a good dose of reality into this fiasco - Does the OW (and really I use that term loosely) have grown children? If so, simply send one of them a copy of your husbands debt in the form of a credit report or whatever you have. When they realize he is in debt up to his yahoo, unemployed for the most part, Married with small children, and over twenty years younger than their mother the heiress.... lol. They are going to have something to say. You really think they will let him have money thats coming to them and their children? Or that they would allow their mom to be taken advantage of in such a humiliating way even if it was her choice? Id' say the hell with it. I would do it. OR encourage them to get married!!!!! Spend the rest of your time with your children on her dime.
Spark1111 Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 If you want to inject a good dose of reality into this fiasco - Does the OW (and really I use that term loosely) have grown children? If so, simply send one of them a copy of your husbands debt in the form of a credit report or whatever you have. When they realize he is in debt up to his yahoo, unemployed for the most part, Married with small children, and over twenty years younger than their mother the heiress.... lol. They are going to have something to say. You really think they will let him have money thats coming to them and their children? Or that they would allow their mom to be taken advantage of in such a humiliating way even if it was her choice? Id' say the hell with it. I would do it. OR encourage them to get married!!!!! Spend the rest of your time with your children on her dime. Love it! And it rings true. Factions of my family are crazed, just crazed when aging Papa millionaire shows up with yet another sniffing around young golddiger.... The solution: Ironclad irrevocable trusts, baby....the best money can buy. The golddigers stop talking commitment as soon as they find out....:rolleyes: It works.
Jilly Bean Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 If you want to inject a good dose of reality into this fiasco - Does the OW (and really I use that term loosely) have grown children? If so, simply send one of them a copy of your husbands debt in the form of a credit report or whatever you have. When they realize he is in debt up to his yahoo, unemployed for the most part, Married with small children, and over twenty years younger than their mother the heiress.... lol. They are going to have something to say. You really think they will let him have money thats coming to them and their children? Or that they would allow their mom to be taken advantage of in such a humiliating way even if it was her choice? Id' say the hell with it. I would do it. OR encourage them to get married!!!!! Spend the rest of your time with your children on her dime. Why would you advocate involving more innocent people in this? Do OW's children deserve this? What did they do? Certainly no more than OP's children, which is nothing. Talk about a wicked and un-karmic thing to do... OP already said she knows for a fact that OW is not giving WS money, so the venomous need to involve her grown child, I simply don't get. Also, even if she were to do this, which I doubt she would, don't expect the result you envision. You have no idea the relationship OW has with her kids, or what their inheritence arrangements are. For example, my Dad could pass over, and my Mom could take up with a 20-year old pool boy, and us kids portions of the inheritence are already outlined and protected in my Dad's will. It could very well end up being something else that puts the OP in a very bad light...
2sure Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Because these are grown children. And from what OP has said about her spouse and his circumstances - he is clearly taking advantage of their elderly mother's wealth. He admitted himself that he was interested in staying with her for 2 months to see what wealth felt like. OW has meanwhile clearly stated she has fallen in love with this con artist. My suggestion was not venomous in anyway to OW or to her children. Telling them of his very real intent to be a financial predator and nothing else is not wrong. She is over 60, alone, she doesnt see it. Thats why these things work. Not uncommon. Besides, read my post. It was clearly tongue and cheek. I have to say the tone of your response to my post was way out of proportion.
scatterd Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 opportunist,liar,cheater is exactly what He is.Sorry for saying everyone about the support wrong word.I hope things end up going in your favor what a slap in the face your husband gave you but it was for sure an eye opener for you.Has things changed like seeing your attorney?I am so sorry for your pain big hugs.
seren Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Be VERY careful about this thinking. He has now proven himself to be an opportunist, a liar, a betrayer, and a cheat. I wouldn't take ANYTHING he tells you at face value, as he should have absolutely no credibility with you right now. Do you own the house? Meaning, are you on the deed? If he is as well, I'd get a quit claim pronto. Until you file D on him, his continued debts will continue to be your problem. I'm not trying to rile you up, but don't be so quick to trust anything about him. You thought you knew this man, and he has shown you you didn't at all... I'd be doing more than taking a quilting class. I'd be at the lawyer's, filing D, and protecting the assets that you have built on your own. And how would you know if she was giving him money, or paying his bills? He already admitted to you that he's attracted to her lifestyle (being very wealthy). She represents right now what he failed at, and lacks, and that's going to be a pretty big draw for quite a while. He's really a megadouche. No one deserves this. This is very good advice. I would be looking at protecting me and mine as soon as I could.
silverfish Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 OP...please sort out your financial situation as soon as you can. Your name isn't on the deeds of the house - is that right? The building your business is in? Does he own that or do you? If he files for bankruptcy, I'm not sure what the laws are in the US, but in the UK, the spouses assets are seized and sold to repay debts. I don't understand how your H can owe a million dollars and yet still have the mortgage paid, bills paid, and grocery money coming in to you, something's not right there. I agree that you should forget the quilting and see an accountant with experience of insolvency and a solicitor. Do you have all the paperwork relating to your H's debts? Can you deal with this on your own, without consulting him? If not, find a debt counsellor for free...even if it turns out it's all ok they should be able to help with what you are and are not liable for. This can be done whether you get divorced or not. At least get your ducks in a row so you are prepared for whatever happens. It sounds like he's living in a fantasy land as far as money is concerned, and I'm worried about this, as he'll keep on & on spending until someone stops him
califnan Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Silverfish, fyi: JLB is not married to him. ----------------------- Exactly how do you know this. JLB has referred to him as her husband in two threads.
2sure Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 If you are not married to him, not on the deed to your home or business...crap. I'd protect myself and children by any means necessary. Period.
worlybear Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Listen to Jilly Bean. She talks a lot of sense. Don't trust him. He sounds just like my soon to be ex. Get rid a.s.a.p. Focus on YOU and your family.:bunny:
Ellin Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 I honestly hope you MEAN that and kick his worthless ass to the curb - finally. I'm sure the fact that she's considerably older (62) and wealthy has alot to do with his 'attraction' to her. What a jerkoff. Good riddance to bad rubbish. 62?? And he left his family for that? My goodness, he seems to be in need of a "mother".
Ellin Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Anyone who posts such pictures of themselves with their MM on FB, knowing his 13 year old daughter can see them, is messed up. Obviously maturity has nothing to do with age! Perhaps she is doing it to take a dig at you through your daughter. It's understandable that you would get really angry, but you should find other ways to vent. Too true. What a mess. I'm sorry you have to deal with all that, JLB.
Author JLB Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 ----------------------- Exactly how do you know this. JLB has referred to him as her husband in two threads. No we are NOT married, but I do refer to him as my husband because we have been together 16 years and pretty much were like any married couple without the wedding pictures or marriage cert.
califnan Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 No we are NOT married, but I do refer to him as my husband because we have been together 16 years and pretty much were like any married couple without the wedding pictures or marriage cert. --------------------- OK, that put's a diff perspective on it financially .. So it's nice that he is willing to keep you in the house and help with the payments .. And it is also great that you have your own business out of the deal .. Are things still the same. Is he still with the older woman - or does he seem to be coming back .. Remember, as other posters have said - you can dispell his bringing your daughter around the OW.
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