califnan Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 It's my understanding the OW orig requested the FB friendship with the 13 yr old daughter ..
Jilly Bean Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 It's my understanding the OW orig requested the FB friendship with the 13 yr old daughter .. I get that. But, the OP also admitted: I knew about the friendship approval, because she asked me if was okay if she approved it. I only said yes out of curiosity, dying to know what this woman looked like and to keep tabs on where she and my H might be getting together. I know it was wrong to allow any such contact between OW and my child... I get a woman being in pain with her husband cheating and taking up in a relationship so quickly with someone new, I do. HOWEVER, I would *hope* that a mothers desire to protect her children would override the need to spy on her separated husband's new GF. Further, this 13-year old was then contacted by Mom to give details of the OW texting her Dad? Just wrong, IMO. It just saddens me to think this 13-year old has been dragged into this nightmare. At the end of the day, this man is still her Daddy, and her parents marital problems should not become her own...
califnan Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 I get that. But, the OP also admitted: I knew about the friendship approval, because she asked me if was okay if she approved it. I only said yes out of curiosity, dying to know what this woman looked like and to keep tabs on where she and my H might be getting together. I know it was wrong to allow any such contact between OW and my child... I get a woman being in pain with her husband cheating and taking up in a relationship so quickly with someone new, I do. HOWEVER, I would *hope* that a mothers desire to protect her children would override the need to spy on her separated husband's new GF. Further, this 13-year old was then contacted by Mom to give details of the OW texting her Dad? Just wrong, IMO. It just saddens me to think this 13-year old has been dragged into this nightmare. At the end of the day, this man is still her Daddy, and her parents marital problems should not become her own... ------------------- Two wrongs don't make a right - but the 'father' had no business taking the child to the movies with he and his cougargirl friend for that matter.. I guess there was no way for the W to protect her child from the FB request - or the movie bit .. The child is young - but at the end of the day, her father's infidelity{s) will very much affect her life.. This is just the beginning .. OP used the FB contact to check on the H .. I do get that ..
Jilly Bean Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 ------------------- Two wrongs don't make a right - but the 'father' had no business taking the child to the movies with he and his cougargirl friend for that matter.. I guess there was no way for the W to protect her child from the FB request - or the movie bit .. The child is young - but at the end of the day, her father's infidelity{s) will very much affect her life.. This is just the beginning .. OP used the FB contact to check on the H .. I do get that .. Agreed - Dad is being selfish and not considering the girl. But, neither is the OP. All she had to do was deny the request, and then block this woman from contacting her daughter. To me, to use the kid so that she could spy on them, is just wrong. Yes, she's young, and agreed this infidelity will affect her, but at the end of the day, she will still love her Daddy, and want to have a relationship with him. Trying to sully this relationshhip because of anger and bitterness on the part of the BS isn't going to help her out any. Just makes me sad. I have issues with people not protecting kids from harm, and even more when they use them as pawns.
Spark1111 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Agreed - Dad is being selfish and not considering the girl. But, neither is the OP. All she had to do was deny the request, and then block this woman from contacting her daughter. To me, to use the kid so that she could spy on them, is just wrong. Yes, she's young, and agreed this infidelity will affect her, but at the end of the day, she will still love her Daddy, and want to have a relationship with him. Trying to sully this relationshhip because of anger and bitterness on the part of the BS isn't going to help her out any. Just makes me sad. I have issues with people not protecting kids from harm, and even more when they use them as pawns. Well i forgive JLB for being crazed and maybe not taking the high road right now.... JLB, it's okay and you will get it together! I too understand your pain. And I never understood why EVERYONE expected me to take the high road after discovering a long term affair, as if I had to be mother theresa fercryingoutloud! Look, your H is very conflicted. He's in a fog and being manipulated by his OW. The halo sits on her head while he is placing the devil horn s on your head. Do a 180. Remove your self from the affair drama. Do not text call or engage. Do not facebook. No matter what you do now it will be spun by him or her to make you look vindictive. Leave them alone completely. Get busy with yourself, your kids your life. Be happy! As happy as you can be. Find friends, the gym, whatever. Be as positive as you can be for your children. When he calls, do not engage. Stay calm, happy, positive, but limit it to the children and the bills. Trust me on this: It ain't over yet.
Spark1111 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Agreed - Dad is being selfish and not considering the girl. But, neither is the OP. All she had to do was deny the request, and then block this woman from contacting her daughter. To me, to use the kid so that she could spy on them, is just wrong. Yes, she's young, and agreed this infidelity will affect her, but at the end of the day, she will still love her Daddy, and want to have a relationship with him. Trying to sully this relationshhip because of anger and bitterness on the part of the BS isn't going to help her out any. Just makes me sad. I have issues with people not protecting kids from harm, and even more when they use them as pawns. Happens every day, JB! OW's children are more important than BS's kids, dontchaknow? Who befriended who on FB? Dad's okay with this too? Oh, wait a minute! His affair partner can do no wrong! I think you were unfair to JLB! Had I seen pics of Dad and his OW on my child's site because OW had befriended her....yeah, I would be crazy too. Had my WS then accused me of being vindictive because I engaged the OW in a convo about how he can't make up his mind, I'd be crazy too. Cut JLB some slack for now. She was just informed her marriage is over....maybe.
califnan Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I have to give out a sidenote .. (I hope not a jack) just an example of how the kids are affected ..and how they carry it through life.. The OW and my xH were together for 10 yrs after - or their new marriage 6 yrs after.. Well he contacted leukemia, and before he died the new OW/wife took him off to her attny to have his only children (sons) written out of their grandfather's estate.. So here we were about 14 yrs after their father died.. I saw her whole wedding to this very wealthy man .. on the internet, and really got a kick out of it .. called the relatives .. ha So in the days to follow, one of my sons researched until he found the man's children on facebook (in their 50's).. He wanted to contact them .. I was fearful of being sued for what we know about her .. Then my other son was pacing back and forth at my desk dictating to me what we were going to say in contacting the siblings.. I finally condensed it down to a bland message to contact us if they wanted to talk ... Oh .. they wanted to talk all right .. Have called us several times talking for hours .. They already knew their side of her and their father - Did the truth set them free-er .. Absolutely .. And I think it helped my sons as well, to help this family .. Just trying to point out that these infidelities can affect the children for a good long time.. And I also think that JBL's OW wanted her to discover the pictures on facebook .. There is just not much way that children can not be affected by this .. Next they may wish to 'blend' her .. and JBL will be held responsible if she doesn't go along with it ..
fooled once Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I am going to make myself, my 3 daughters, my son in law and my 1 year old grandson a strong and close family...without him. I won't belittle him or bad mouth him, but he is not invited to any holiday get togethers or anything we do at the house. I may sound a bit bitter at this point and I'll get over that, but I have no intention of being friends with someone who hurt me so bad. I told him he might as well take my dog, and run him over in front of me, because it's the same feeling what he is doing to me. Pain is Pain, hurt is hurt. I too think she is pathetic to befriend a 13 year old and put pictures up of her and the child's father (OW and the father) knowing full well the 13 year old will see them and possibly tell her mom. There is something wrong with this -- shows me the OW is trying to compete with the wife for this 'prize' of a cheater. The father, who obviously KNEW his OW put those pictures up and KNEW his daughter could see them should be ashamed of himself for acting in such a disrespectful manner and he should have unfriended his daughter from the OW's page. The OW brought the child into this -- NOT the mom. The mom sunk to the OW's level, but as many know how have been betrayed, at times our emotions get the best of us and we do things we wish we could take back. At least by trying to communicate with the OW, it finally brought resolution to the original poster. this guy is no catch and the OW is welcome to him --- they can play their juvenile, immature games together and he should NOT be taking his child to the movies with this mistress while still sleeping with his wife!!! What a pig. Original Poster -- I hope you begin to heal and move on. When your soon to be ex husband comes crawling back, and you know he will, I hope you keep the door to your home and heart closed to him. You are under NO obligation to include him in any family events. If he wants to have a family dinner, he can organize it with his kids. But no longer should he be included in what you do with your kids/grandkids. I wish you peace on your journey through all the lies and betrayal!
SpanksTheMonkey Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 (edited) The garbage woman (love that name by the way) has been trying to befriend my children. I wish I could explain to you what a game this woman is playing, it's SOOOO pathetic. She picked the one kid, out of my 3 girls, who is standing by her daddy's side...she immediately tried to make friends with my daughter and this is how the facebook friendship came about. She requested the friendship and my daughter approved it. I let my kids have facebook as long as I know passwords and usernames and I keep up on who they are talking to and what they say etc. I knew about the friendship approval, because she asked me if was okay if she approved it. I only said yes out of curiosity, dying to know what this woman looked like and to keep tabs on where she and my H might be getting together. I know it was wrong to allow any such contact between OW and my child...but H has already taken OW and my daughter to the movies. It's such a weird situation...H left me...but told me he wasn't leaving me to go be with OW (garbage woman)...he told me he was leaving me because he felt like a failure from losing his job, wanted to get his head together, needed space , needed to get financially stable etc. In the meantime, we have had our share of counseling each other. Mostly me doing the counseling, trying to talk to him, asking questions about OW, what are your feelings, thoughts, what do you want etc. Reading every book about affairs that I can get my hands on, reading everything online about how to get him back from OW. I joined a support group for BS...I have done my homework. I knew early on that this was an emotional affair. She made herself available to talk when he had no one to talk to (and he didn't want to talk to me)...she stepped in to fill his needs, and at this point I knew that he was becoming addicted to that relationship. I just read a book about how it's hard for them to stop with the OW cold turkey...that they go through withdrawls. But all I asked for in all this was truth, truth, truth...I hate being lied to. The saying "I Love You" to her is a big thing for me. Not to long ago he bragged about he has never told anyone else in his life that he loved them, other than me. I can only think that this is a feeling he has and it's not true love...but it doesn't matter anymore. Yes, I believe he does/did want his cake and to eat it too. I believe that he is afraid that this new relationship really isn't what he wants...yet when they go out drinking and taking pictures together he looks like he is in 7th Heaven with her. It will all run out when he comes back down to the ground, but it's too late...and I won't be here for him anymore. I have never been so sure of a decision in this relationship as I am right now. It's over. I am going to make myself, my 3 daughters, my son in law and my 1 year old grandson a strong and close family...without him. I won't belittle him or bad mouth him, but he is not invited to any holiday get togethers or anything we do at the house. I may sound a bit bitter at this point and I'll get over that, but I have no intention of being friends with someone who hurt me so bad. I told him he might as well take my dog, and run him over in front of me, because it's the same feeling what he is doing to me. Pain is Pain, hurt is hurt. You shouldn't have even allowed him to have your kids near her as soon as you found out what he was doing you should have taken appropriate measures for their best interest. first thing you need to do is file for divorce I don't know I myself would have prob even moved to put some distance between my kids and Mr playboy if it was with in my means. Once the divorce is finalized he can do what he likes but until then its not a healthy situation for the kids to be seeing dad running around with his gf BEHIND moms back! its so sad that these kids are being torn apart and used in this. I know its a hard situation op and one you didn't ask to be in but please do whats best for the kids I hope it all works out for everyone.. Edited July 26, 2010 by SpanksTheMonkey
SpanksTheMonkey Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Happens every day, JB! OW's children are more important than BS's kids, dontchaknow? Who befriended who on FB? Dad's okay with this too? Oh, wait a minute! His affair partner can do no wrong! I think you were unfair to JLB! Had I seen pics of Dad and his OW on my child's site because OW had befriended her....yeah, I would be crazy too. Had my WS then accused me of being vindictive because I engaged the OW in a convo about how he can't make up his mind, I'd be crazy too. Cut JLB some slack for now. She was just informed her marriage is over....maybe. When kids are being hurt I cut no slack that doesn't mean I don't understand the rough situation the ops in or have compassion for her of course I do. But parents need to remember that their main purpose on this earth is to protect their kids 1st. Ive lived thu this type of situation as a child and I can honestly say it WILL affect the kids as they grow older. And even more so when they start having relationships of their own and the op deserves better as well its hard to be a good parent when your in a crappy situation I know that. I truly hope she doesn't take offence to anything ive said and I really do wish her and her kids all the best..Mr playboy on the other hand can go take a flying leap I hope she dumps him sooner then later and he ends up alone in the end selfish sod.
califnan Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 SpankstheMonkey, JLB has an established business - representing her livelihood.. Not that easy to move.. Also, I wouldn't think that it was likely that she gave anyone permission to take the daughter to the movie with the OW. Welcome to the world of infidelity and divorce .. where the mother does loose her right to protect her children from interruptive strangers..
LifesontheUp Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Welcome to the world of infidelity and divorce .. where the mother does loose her right to protect her children from interruptive strangers.. So very true, and I've seen it happen the otherway around to dads too
califnan Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 So very true, and I've seen it happen the otherway around to dads too ------------ Agreed. ..
SpanksTheMonkey Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 SpankstheMonkey, JLB has an established business - representing her livelihood.. Not that easy to move.. Also, I wouldn't think that it was likely that she gave anyone permission to take the daughter to the movie with the OW. Welcome to the world of infidelity and divorce .. where the mother does loose her right to protect her children from interruptive strangers.. I see your point cali but on the flip side the op has admitted to involving the kids with the soul purpose being for her to gain info to satisfy her own curiousness thats mainly what im hitting on here.
califnan Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I see your point cali but on the flip side the op has admitted to involving the kids with the soul purpose being for her to gain info to satisfy her own curiousness thats mainly what im hitting on here. ----------------------- I understand Spanks .. But I also feel that after the OW sent bait through OP's daughter, it was natural for W to wish to see the pictures ..
Jilly Bean Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 ----------------------- I understand Spanks .. But I also feel that after the OW sent bait through OP's daughter, it was natural for W to wish to see the pictures .. While I can understand her curiosity of this woman, and wanting to monitor WS's activities, I don't think it should have been satiated by throwing her daughter under the bus. YES, the OW was wrong to add the child to begin with, but who knows what the MM had been telling OW, and clearly the child has a relationship with the OW of some type of another. I just think the OP should have been protecting her child, not using her as a portal to spy on her WS. So, everyone is arguing that this is part and parcel for affairs. The Dad is being selfish, and forcing boundary issues with the child by making her spend time with the OW, and her Mom feels justified that a 13-year old should have full disclosure of Dad's activities as SHE was made aware of her own parents infidelity at that tender age. Is anyone looking out for these kids???
SpanksTheMonkey Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 ----------------------- I understand Spanks .. But I also feel that after the OW sent bait through OP's daughter, it was natural for W to wish to see the pictures .. Well to me even if the women sent a gold leaf invitation you don't bite its bad enough the kids will be exposed to it on his side without mom taking the bait. And making things worse thats just MHO on it as I said I was a victim of this kind of behavior growing up so maybe that also influences my opinions..
Spark1111 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Well to me even if the women sent a gold leaf invitation you don't bite its bad enough the kids will be exposed to it on his side without mom taking the bait. And making things worse thats just MHO on it as I said I was a victim of this kind of behavior growing up so maybe that also influences my opinions.. I agree with you. It is damaging, and if it ends here on JLB's part, she will rise to the occasion to contain it. But as a fBS, the gaslighting done to you, the lies, half truths, and nonsense your WS spins to you after DDAY WILL MAKE YOU CRAZY! And you will do absolutely anything in your power to ascertain the truth. Now that JLB has her truth, I am sure she will revert to family-protective mode.
fooled once Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 When kids are being hurt I cut no slack that doesn't mean I don't understand the rough situation the ops in or have compassion for her of course I do. But parents need to remember that their main purpose on this earth is to protect their kids 1st. Ive lived thu this type of situation as a child and I can honestly say it WILL affect the kids as they grow older. And even more so when they start having relationships of their own and the op deserves better as well its hard to be a good parent when your in a crappy situation I know that. I truly hope she doesn't take offence to anything ive said and I really do wish her and her kids all the best..Mr playboy on the other hand can go take a flying leap I hope she dumps him sooner then later and he ends up alone in the end selfish sod. Where is dad in protecting his kids? Why is it okay for him to 'let' the OW befriend his daughter (he should have told her to stay away from his child until he made a decision to divorce) and there is no way the Original Poster could have "protected" her daughter from the OW -- don't forget, there are too many people who will say she is alienating her daughter from the father if she tries to restrict the daughter being around the OW (even before the cheater made a decision to stay with the OW). Dad should have kept his mistress and his child separate - no movies together, no facebook crap, etc until he officially split from the wife. At least by the wife contacting the mistress, she forced a decision and no longer has to live with him flip flopping between beds. Cut her some slack for doing exactly what he did - put the child in the middle. Hell, he went so far as to include the child in a RENDEVOUS. Disgusting...
jwi71 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Where is dad in protecting his kids? Why is it okay for him to 'let' the OW befriend his daughter (he should have told her to stay away from his child until he made a decision to divorce) and there is no way the Original Poster could have "protected" her daughter from the OW -- don't forget, there are too many people who will say she is alienating her daughter from the father if she tries to restrict the daughter being around the OW (even before the cheater made a decision to stay with the OW). Dad should have kept his mistress and his child separate - no movies together, no facebook crap, etc until he officially split from the wife. At least by the wife contacting the mistress, she forced a decision and no longer has to live with him flip flopping between beds. Cut her some slack for doing exactly what he did - put the child in the middle. Hell, he went so far as to include the child in a RENDEVOUS. Disgusting... You can't control the actions of others. Period. He will do what he wishes and there is VERY little the OP can do about it. The BS CANNOT PROHIBIT interaction (unless a judge finds the child is in danger). If, during his time with the daughter, he wants to play family with OW...nothing you can do. What you can do is take some comfort in the fact that the OW may genuinely want to know and like the daughter. The daughter, because of her age, may choose to not go or participate...HER choice. Stay out of it. I would suggest to the OP: 1) Telling your daughter you love her very much but she must make her own decisions about the OW and her father. 2) Avoid using the daughter as a pawn or messenger 3) I would NOT forbid the FB friend-ing. Let your D decide. 4) Reinforce that your WS loves his daughter. Never speak ill of your stbxh to her. I hate to say some of this I do. But you do need to realize she is old enough to make her own choices. Time to let her do so. Hate the OW all you want - but be careful, she may be the step-mom soon. Part of divorce is understanding that another person will step into YOUR role at times - in this case the OW. And if not her, another. Its just reality.
califnan Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 JLB, For everything - there is a season. Just a season.
CrayonAngel Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Sorry for your pain! It will get better...he will come running back in time and I hope you can find it in yourself to kick is sorry @$$ to the curb! you don't deserve that. Anyone in your situation would've done the same thing..I'm sorry but it is well within your rights to confront..they chose to create this mess...then they wanna cry when you confront them?!
Summer Breeze Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 My son has gone to clubs and come back with a cougar or two .. I said: What do I have to do pin a note on your shirt? .. Being on a few singles sights - I too, for one reason or another have been approached with as many younger ones than those my age.. I am Firm about theft.. I say to them: Do not choose a woman who you would not be proud to take home to your family. An older woman who has lived her life is acting out in theft and glutony to attach herself to a younger man ... To say nothing of a younger MM.. This man was Not there for the taking .. Nor was my things that were stolen from my storage - there for the taking.. He belonged to his wife .. Said his marriage vows to his wife .. His body belongs to his wife.. Is it against policy on here to say 'get a grip'? Glutony? I want someone with some life in them. I want someone who wants to dance and hike and spend an evening listening to jazz. If he's 90 then he's my guy. If he's 25 then he's my guy. I've never considered myself a cougar, I date and enjoy everyone I meet. I had a 6 month relationship with someone younger and his mother is a year younger than I am. We still do a shopping trip to NYC every Christmas. Why on earth would you consider an older woman someone who isn't suitable to meet the family. Get yourself out woman and start living life rather than running from it. You're smart and I'd imagine lovely so start enjoying it and yourself.
Summer Breeze Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 While I can understand her curiosity of this woman, and wanting to monitor WS's activities, I don't think it should have been satiated by throwing her daughter under the bus. YES, the OW was wrong to add the child to begin with, but who knows what the MM had been telling OW, and clearly the child has a relationship with the OW of some type of another. I just think the OP should have been protecting her child, not using her as a portal to spy on her WS. So, everyone is arguing that this is part and parcel for affairs. The Dad is being selfish, and forcing boundary issues with the child by making her spend time with the OW, and her Mom feels justified that a 13-year old should have full disclosure of Dad's activities as SHE was made aware of her own parents infidelity at that tender age. Is anyone looking out for these kids??? Spot on. She didn't have to accept the friendship and the thing that bothers me most is that mom not only didn't 'defriend' her daughter, but that she used the profile for her own personal agenda. I may have missed it but has anyone verified OW actually did the friending and not the daughter?
califnan Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 SB, Yes the OP has said that the OW approached her daughter for FB 'friendship'.. JLB has had her discovery, confrontation - and leading to confession from H. She has also said she intends to make the remainder of her family a strong and close family .. What else can a woman do.
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