He Chose OW tonight...it's over.

[JLB]

This is an update on this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t238283/

 

Quick background. H cheated on me last June 2009 with woman 20 years older than him. She is wealthy. After I found out 2 weeks after they met, and he had already slept with her etc. I demanded he stop talking and communicating, but he kept on. After months of my agonizing over his failure to stop the emotional affair, he left me. Within a week, he kept calling me, texting me, telling me he loved me, asking me if I have been on any dates, spent Fathers Day with me and kids and 4th of July weekend (yes in my bed)...only to find pictures of them together a week after he spent the weekend with me. We have been struggling to communicate about our issues with each other, why he left, what needs neither one of us were fulfilling in each other. We have actually gotten some really good talks in and had planned on going NC for awhile till he got his head straightened out with the date of OCT 1, being the day he would get his crap together and let me know what he wants. It was when I saw the pictures of them that I thought to myself, "doesn't look like he is working to hard on getting his head figured out" so I broke the NC and made a big deal about the pictures. The pictures I am speaking of below are MORE pictures and more PDA this time, ie; the kissing, full on mouth etc. So now onto the update:

 

Tonight when I got off work, I was on facebook and just so happened to check the OW's facebook page. Long story, but I have access to her page via my 13 year old daughter who is her facebook friend. So I see brand new pictures of OW and my H, with them all over each other. Kissing, hugging, posing, smiles, looking in love! I had once before accused him before of being in love with her which he denied...he told me it was his escape from reality...that he is in emotional hell and that when he is with her, he escapes the stresses of his normal life. Whatever....so I was SOOOO angry when I saw these new pictures, that I decided to facebook chat with her cause I could see that she was online. I proceeded to tell her that she is pathetic, that she is destroying a family, that she is flaunting her boy toy on her pages, and that he doesn't feel the way that she claims he does. She would not answer me, she never does. It's always a one sided conversation, but I knew she was reading them because she immediately started texting my H and forwarding my text from the chat (daughter who was sitting there with him told me he was texting her)...so then I told her that when I ask him if he is in love with her that he tells me NO, that he says that she hasn't said she loves him either...I mean he paints this picture that it isn't really what I think. He told me before we spent 4th of July together that 'they' wouldn't last till Oct.

 

He has also been calling me after I go out with my friends to make sure I get home okay, if I don't answer he gets frantic and keeps calling till I answer (he did that last night)...when I finally answered he was really upset that he couldn't get a hold of me and was kind of choked up.

 

So back to the chat...I told her more stuff...about how she thinks he is her boyfriend, how she thinks they are a couple...I dared her to make him sit me down and tell ME that they are a couple because he claims they are not. I dared her to get him to tell me via 3 way call that he is in love with her, because he claims he is not in love with her. He tells me this all the time.

 

well guess what...after I sat there with my one sided conversation with her. I all of a sudden get a phone call from him (now keep in mind she is not with him, they are not even in the same state right now) and so I answer it real calm. He starts yelling at me!!! YOU HAVE REALLY GONE TO FAR NOW!!! He says to me....I TOLD YOU TO LET ME DEAL WITH HER AND THE FACEBOOK PICTURES, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SAY ALL THOSE THINGS?!!!! So here I am trying to defend myself, and he says THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I DESPISE YOU!! YOU ARE VINDICTIVE AND THIS IS WHAT I DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOU AND WHY I WAS AFRAID TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH YOU FOR THIS VERY REASON.

 

I said back to him, "well then tell me that this is what you want and I will gladly go away!" and he said "then go away!"

 

What that I told his OW that he wasn't telling her the truth?? I'm being vindictive? She is the one playing the game putting up pictures of the two of them knowing I would eventually see them. She wants EVERYONE to know now that they are a couple and to stop sneaking around and hiding it.

 

So I said to him, 'Are you in love with her because that isn't what you told me yesterday', he says and I wish I could remember exactly, but I think he said " yes I am" but not very sincere. I said, "so this is what you want then?" he said "yes" (choked up)....I said, so why did you lie to me and tell me you weren't in love with her, when did you tell her you love her? He says "last week"....I said "why?" and he said "it's the way I felt at the time". I said, "so you choose her then huh?" and he said "Yes" and was way choked up, I had to ask again cause I couldn't hear him through the tears, "and he said Yes" and so I said "Okay fine, goodbye" and that was the last phone call. End of story...guess that was the finality I was wanting to hear.

I still don't think he was sincere about it, but I am done. I will never take him back...I am not accepting anymore late night phonecalls, texts, the tears, the heartfelt emails, the "I miss you's" and the "I need you's"...Nothing. done done done done done....

[jnj express]

If you are serious about this, then you need to file, cover your self finacially, cut out any and all intimacy with him, and just talk to him only if and when it pertains to the children

 

Stick to your guns----If he comes crawling back----and you wanna take him back, which I don't know why you would---he comes back only if he goes immediate NC, verified by a letter or e-mail from him to her (no other way) which you oversee being sent---he goes completely transparent, and shows heavy remorse----these are all starters

 

Put in your boundaries, and make him sign a post--nup.

 

Once again these last things are only if you wanna allow him back in the family.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I couldn't read all of it im sorry my eyes are bad tonight but from what I did see I can tell you this is what comes to my mind..

 

1. Hes trying to have his cake and eat it too that will only stop when you make it stop.

 

2. This is to much drama to deal with you don''t deserve it and neither do your kids.

 

3. The kids should never be directly involved in any disputes between a father and mother ive been there and I know what that feels like. I know its hard but try and not expose/evolve them as much and you can. And what ever you do even despite the fact that he has betrayed you don't ever belittle him to your kids (not that im saying you do) but just saying in general.

 

4. Don't be fooled hes not "upset or worried" for your safety hes not checking on you to make sure you made it home safely hes checking to make sure you made it home alone he doesn't want to lose his "cake" to another man thats why he was so worried last night.

[Summer Breeze]

I couldn't read all of it im sorry my eyes are bad tonight but from what I did see I can tell you this is what comes to my mind..

 

1. Hes trying to have his cake and eat it too that will only stop when you make it stop.

I don't agree-he's stopped it. He's made his decision. For OPs sake I hope she makes him adhere to it.

 

2. This is to much drama to deal with you don''t deserve it and neither do your kids.

 

3. The kids should never be directly involved in any disputes between a father and mother ive been there and I know what that feels like. I know its hard but try and not expose/evolve them as much and you can. And what ever you do even despite the fact that he has betrayed you don't ever belittle him to your kids (not that im saying you do) but just saying in general.

I so agree with this. You had no business using your child's FB account to engage this woman. The children do not need to be brought into the grit of the situation. What a child goes through is enough without having to be brought into it to this level and this includes your H going through all of those calls to you with your daughter sitting with him (I believe I'm reading that correctly so sorry if not)

 

4. Don't be fooled hes not "upset or worried" for your safety hes not checking on you to make sure you made it home safely hes checking to make sure you made it home alone he doesn't want to lose his "cake" to another man thats why he was so worried last night.

He doesn't really want all of you but he certainly doesn't want someone else to have any of you.

 

I must have a response of 10 characters.

[Woman In Blue]

I still don't think he was sincere about it, but I am done. I will never take him back...I am not accepting anymore late night phonecalls, texts, the tears, the heartfelt emails, the "I miss you's" and the "I need you's"...Nothing. done done done done done....

I honestly hope you MEAN that and kick his worthless ass to the curb - finally.

 

I'm sure the fact that she's considerably older (62) and wealthy has alot to do with his 'attraction' to her. What a jerkoff.

 

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

[bentnotbroken]

I am so sorry. I don't know your story, but it seems you have been played with by the donkey. I pray you find some peace and solace even though it will hurt for awhile. You have an answer, you aren't in limbo. Trust what he says and what he does. His actions have told you where his heart truly is...focused on himself. So sorry.

[whichwayisup]

He is messed up and not the man you once loved and married.

 

As painful as it is for you, YOU are doing the right thing by walking away.

 

I strongly believe that he will regret his choices, but he's a grown man and will deal with it.

 

Put yourself and your kids first, get family counseling if needed..

 

Take care of YOU. Surround yourself with good friends and family, get a lawyer and divorce him.. Let him cry and beg, he has been NASTY to you for no reason and you don't deserve such treatment.

 

He hasn't been honest or upfront, as much as it would have hurt, atleast if he just told you the truth, flat out, that he wants out, there could have been abit more peace in some sense, but he's chosen to be a total dickwad and an a-hole.

 

Sorry you're hurting..

[califnan]

SB, The 13 year old child should not have been brought in - on Any level .. Why is this garbage woman on the OP's daughter's Facebook??

[Summer Breeze]

SB, The 13 year old child should not have been brought in - on Any level .. Why is this garbage woman on the OP's daughter's Facebook??

 

While I obviously agree with you concerning the involvement of the child I take exception to you calling the OW garbage. You have no idea her situaion and quite honestly the only ones I consider garbage right now are the father and mother. Sorry OP but the child should NEVER have been brought in even by using a tool such as FB. I'm not calling you garbage but I am taking exception to all blame being shifted to the OW when there's so much more lying at the feet of the M. Dad with 95% blame and the rest shored out to you and the OW (her bit for being the OW and yours for not respecting your child).

 

Califnan has a point, why is this woman on her FB friends? Why didn't both or either of the parents stop this as since you were able to see photos your daughter would be able to as well.

 

If you get nothing out of what people say to you here at least take away that no matter what is happening with you and your H your daughter needs your protection. Step up even when you don't want to. Your H isn't going to so by default it's your responsibility.

[Jemay]

Oh my goodness..... after all this I hope you don't even consider getting back with him. I truly, truly hope you won't. This type of horrible deceit and rejection is very hard to deal with, so please stay strong, and leave the situation be.... walk away with your head held high and avoid contact with him until you feel strong enough to deal with this. You are worth more than having to deal with a cheater. Take care of yourself and your daughter, and know this will pass, the emotional scars will heal, and you'll open yourself up to a better relationship one day.

[stillafool]

OP I hope you mean what you say and not take him back. As jnj express said you should protect yourself and file for divorce, only talk to him pertaining to your child. No, she shouldn't have been brought into this mess. I wish you the best in moving forward.

[scatterd]

Im so sorry for your pain what a jerk.Did you print the picture?I would go see an attorney to find out where you stand.He will grow tired of this woman and most likely beg for you back.Now that Real life sets in his fantasy Will wear.It

sounds as though he really did not want to pick but since he has move on and

and he can live with a the regrets.Big hugs my prayers are with you

[califnan]

I just posted a response on your other thread JLB..

 

Seems like a divorce may leave you buying out his share of your business, realestate, etc.. And/or paying him support..

 

I know you love him, and wish to stay in the marriage - But if you decide to D him, maybe for financial reasons - you should wait until the 62 yr old can keep him.. (for D settlement sake) ..

[JLB]

SB, The 13 year old child should not have been brought in - on Any level .. Why is this garbage woman on the OP's daughter's Facebook??

 

The garbage woman (love that name by the way) has been trying to befriend my children. I wish I could explain to you what a game this woman is playing, it's SOOOO pathetic. She picked the one kid, out of my 3 girls, who is standing by her daddy's side...she immediately tried to make friends with my daughter and this is how the facebook friendship came about. She requested the friendship and my daughter approved it. I let my kids have facebook as long as I know passwords and usernames and I keep up on who they are talking to and what they say etc. I knew about the friendship approval, because she asked me if was okay if she approved it. I only said yes out of curiosity, dying to know what this woman looked like and to keep tabs on where she and my H might be getting together. I know it was wrong to allow any such contact between OW and my child...but H has already taken OW and my daughter to the movies.

 

It's such a weird situation...H left me...but told me he wasn't leaving me to go be with OW (garbage woman)...he told me he was leaving me because he felt like a failure from losing his job, wanted to get his head together, needed space , needed to get financially stable etc. In the meantime, we have had our share of counseling each other. Mostly me doing the counseling, trying to talk to him, asking questions about OW, what are your feelings, thoughts, what do you want etc. Reading every book about affairs that I can get my hands on, reading everything online about how to get him back from OW. I joined a support group for BS...I have done my homework. I knew early on that this was an emotional affair. She made herself available to talk when he had no one to talk to (and he didn't want to talk to me)...she stepped in to fill his needs, and at this point I knew that he was becoming addicted to that relationship. I just read a book about how it's hard for them to stop with the OW cold turkey...that they go through withdrawls. But all I asked for in all this was truth, truth, truth...I hate being lied to. The saying "I Love You" to her is a big thing for me. Not to long ago he bragged about he has never told anyone else in his life that he loved them, other than me. I can only think that this is a feeling he has and it's not true love...but it doesn't matter anymore.

 

Yes, I believe he does/did want his cake and to eat it too. I believe that he is afraid that this new relationship really isn't what he wants...yet when they go out drinking and taking pictures together he looks like he is in 7th Heaven with her. It will all run out when he comes back down to the ground, but it's too late...and I won't be here for him anymore. I have never been so sure of a decision in this relationship as I am right now. It's over.

 

I am going to make myself, my 3 daughters, my son in law and my 1 year old grandson a strong and close family...without him. I won't belittle him or bad mouth him, but he is not invited to any holiday get togethers or anything we do at the house. I may sound a bit bitter at this point and I'll get over that, but I have no intention of being friends with someone who hurt me so bad. I told him he might as well take my dog, and run him over in front of me, because it's the same feeling what he is doing to me. Pain is Pain, hurt is hurt.

[woinlove]

Anyone who posts such pictures of themselves with their MM on FB, knowing his 13 year old daughter can see them, is messed up. Obviously maturity has nothing to do with age! Perhaps she is doing it to take a dig at you through your daughter. It's understandable that you would get really angry, but you should find other ways to vent.

[JLB]

While I obviously agree with you concerning the involvement of the child I take exception to you calling the OW garbage. You have no idea her situaion and quite honestly the only ones I consider garbage right now are the father and mother. Sorry OP but the child should NEVER have been brought in even by using a tool such as FB. I'm not calling you garbage but I am taking exception to all blame being shifted to the OW when there's so much more lying at the feet of the M. Dad with 95% blame and the rest shored out to you and the OW (her bit for being the OW and yours for not respecting your child).

 

Califnan has a point, why is this woman on her FB friends? Why didn't both or either of the parents stop this as since you were able to see photos your daughter would be able to as well.

 

If you get nothing out of what people say to you here at least take away that no matter what is happening with you and your H your daughter needs your protection. Step up even when you don't want to. Your H isn't going to so by default it's your responsibility.

 

Sorry but the OW is garbage, and you know what makes her garbage...fully knowing what she was doing, why she was doing it and not backing off till she got her man. Why else would a 62 year old lonely filthy rich woman want a 41 year old family man who is unemployed? It's a game to her and you know it. She is infamous for dating men 20+ years younger to make herself feel younger. You got that father being garbage right as well.

 

I chose to tell my daughters early on what was going on with this OW and their father. They have a right to know why dad is moving out. My mom cheated on my dad when I was 14, and I knew all about it too. My mom used to bring me to dinner with her and the OM all the time, trying to get me to accept him.

 

I fought to keep my family together...I fought this other woman tooth and nail, without actually getting physical with her. I fought to know the truth and begged to be told what was really going on in all this. I don't think that makes me garbage. I think it makes me a strong woman who didn't want to subject her children to the pains of divorce and visitation and having to be split between holidays and summers. In the end, I lost....and for what? Because I didn't stroke his fragile ego the way he wanted it stroked. F that....they deserve each other and I hope that they are happy with all the betrayal, deceit and lies that brought them together.

 

As far as facebook....so what. She isn't seeing anything different than what her father put in front of her when he took her and the OW to a movie last week. He picked OW up, they rode to the movies together, and he kissed her goodnight in front of my kid...if that is what he wants..then so be it.

[califnan]

Anyone who posts such pictures of themselves with their MM on FB, knowing his 13 year old daughter can see them, is messed up. Obviously maturity has nothing to do with age! Perhaps she is doing it to take a dig at you through your daughter. It's understandable that you would get really angry, but you should find other ways to vent.

 

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I think she's using their daughter to ingratiate herself with him ... And using the facebook contacts to flaunt her relationship, and knowing the W will find out - for discovery..

 

Nothing like a desparate cougar ..

[califnan]

 

As far as facebook....so what. She isn't seeing anything different than what her father put in front of her when he took her and the OW to a movie last week. He picked OW up, they rode to the movies together, and he kissed her goodnight in front of my kid...if that is what he wants..then so be it.

 

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The OW and child going to the movies with him, should have never happened ..

[califnan]

 

I am going to make myself, my 3 daughters, my son in law and my 1 year old grandson a strong and close family...without him. I won't belittle him or bad mouth him, but he is not invited to any holiday get togethers or anything we do at the house. I may sound a bit bitter at this point and I'll get over that, but I have no intention of being friends with someone who hurt me so bad. over .

 

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That is all a W can do, is to pick up the pieces and go on with her life, and to try to enhance her family's life as best she can..

 

It was He who (always seems to) decide that he wants more than one woman in his life.. And the ball is in his 'confused' court, as to what he wants to do ..

[kuma]

Anyone who posts such pictures of themselves with their MM on FB, knowing his 13 year old daughter can see them, is messed up.

 

Exactly.

 

JLB, I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. ((hugs))

[Summer Breeze]

Sorry but the OW is garbage, and you know what makes her garbage...fully knowing what she was doing, why she was doing it and not backing off till she got her man. Why else would a 62 year old lonely filthy rich woman want a 41 year old family man who is unemployed? It's a game to her and you know it. She is infamous for dating men 20+ years younger to make herself feel younger. You got that father being garbage right as well.

If he hadn't been looking she wouldn't have been found. Who cares if she dates men 20 years her junior-I do too. If it works for her then good on her. If he hadn't made himself available she wouldn't have had a wayto him. Sorry age makes no difference and if she's off dating all of these younger men I'd say she's not as lonely as you might think.

 

I chose to tell my daughters early on what was going on with this OW and their father. They have a right to know why dad is moving out. My mom cheated on my dad when I was 14, and I knew all about it too. My mom used to bring me to dinner with her and the OM all the time, trying to get me to accept him.

We agree with all you've said there. They deserve to know why but they do not deserve to be put into the middle of it. My POV anyway and that comes from someone who had an unfaithful mother as well.

 

 

I fought to keep my family together...I fought this other woman tooth and nail, without actually getting physical with her. I fought to know the truth and begged to be told what was really going on in all this. I don't think that makes me garbage. I think it makes me a strong woman who didn't want to subject her children to the pains of divorce and visitation and having to be split between holidays and summers. In the end, I lost....and for what? Because I didn't stroke his fragile ego the way he wanted it stroked. F that....they deserve each other and I hope that they are happy with all the betrayal, deceit and lies that brought them together.

The problem is your H didn't fight for it and he's played you miserably and you don't deserve what he did to you. Your fight wasn't with her it was with him. I do think you're strong and I do see you've fought for what's yours but there are some inherent differences and those are the level of involving your children and appearing to put more blame on OW than him. I am sorry you're going through this and I hope you stay the course and he gets just what he deserves.

 

As far as facebook....so what. She isn't seeing anything different than what her father put in front of her when he took her and the OW to a movie last week. He picked OW up, they rode to the movies together, and he kissed her goodnight in front of my kid...if that is what he wants..then so be it.

So what. Again we disagree. You were using your daughters FB account and putting her in the middle of it. I can't believe she'd want the OW to be friends on it. Again my POV

 

Again 10 characters

[Summer Breeze]

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I think she's using their daughter to ingratiate herself with him ... And using the facebook contacts to flaunt her relationship, and knowing the W will find out - for discovery..

 

Nothing like a desparate cougar ..

 

Not her responsibility. It's the desparate father that everyone should be concerned with It's his job to protect his kids and he's failing miserably. Having said that if my daughter were that age I'd be having words with her about the wisdom of having the OW as a friend on FB. Maybe the chat's been had and mythoughts are behind what the poster has done already.

[califnan]

Not her responsibility. It's the desparate father that everyone should be concerned with It's his job to protect his kids and he's failing miserably. Having said that if my daughter were that age I'd be having words with her about the wisdom of having the OW as a friend on FB. Maybe the chat's been had and mythoughts are behind what the poster has done already.

 

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No reason to have words with a child in the middle..

 

And the Children (MM and OW) had originally put the child in the middle.. Cougar with involving the child on the facebook, Father for taking child to the movies with OW and such ..

[califnan]

My son has gone to clubs and come back with a cougar or two .. I said: What do I have to do pin a note on your shirt? ..

 

Being on a few singles sights - I too, for one reason or another have been approached with as many younger ones than those my age.. I am Firm about theft.. I say to them: Do not choose a woman who you would not be proud to take home to your family. An older woman who has lived her life is acting out in theft and glutony to attach herself to a younger man ... To say nothing of a younger MM..

 

This man was Not there for the taking .. Nor was my things that were stolen from my storage - there for the taking..

 

He belonged to his wife .. Said his marriage vows to his wife .. His body belongs to his wife..

[Jilly Bean]

So, you used your 13-year old daughter as bait, encouraged her to forge a "friendship" with your husbands new GF, in order to gain access to this woman's FB page?

 

Oy.