spriggig Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Is your love controlled by a switch or a dimmer? Does it change from one to the other or have you always been one way? Do you have a hard time leaving them behind or is it over when it is over? Mine is on a dimmer and it always has been. No amount of logic, thought, anger or betrayal seems to flip it off. ONLY time works.
LittleTiger Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 I think we're all on dimmers but some people can't face up to their own pain so they choose to ignore it, or bury it, or lock it up. Those who are quick to say it's over are afraid of hurting and the more often they're hurt the quicker they are to shut off the next time. The dimmer switch is basically damaged - possibly from childhood. To the outside world they appear to be tough and unemotional, but the pain is still there inside. Just my opinion. I'm definitely on a dimmer switch but it doesn't work properly. My control of it is limited. Time alone doesn't work for me. Any man I have loved in the past, I still love today, although the attachment, and therefore the pain, has gone. My pain drags on for years and I can't let go until I've thought everything out in minute detail and eventually reached the conclusion that it's for the best. Then I just learn to live with it.
hurt and devastated Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Definitely on a dimmer. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse. Right now, I believe it's the latter. After all my wife has put me through, the affair, the lies, and what's gone down recently, I still love her. Maybe not how I used to, but the feelings are still there.
wrencn Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Those who are quick to say it's over are afraid of hurting and the more often they're hurt the quicker they are to shut off the next time. The dimmer switch is basically damaged - possibly from childhood. To the outside world they appear to be tough and unemotional, but the pain is still there inside. Just my opinion. You are probably on to something. I am a switch! Always have been-and I also have big time abandonment issues that started in childhood. However I am only a switch if the person leaves me, unfortunately the only two men I ever loved both left me. Like I said in the other thread, if I were a dimmer I would lose my mind. I'm not programed that way. My husband is definitely a dimmer.
Author spriggig Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 You are probably on to something. I am a switch! Always have been-and I also have big time abandonment issues that started in childhood. However I am only a switch if the person leaves me, unfortunately the only two men I ever loved both left me. Like I said in the other thread, if I were a dimmer I would lose my mind. I'm not programed that way. My husband is definitely a dimmer. I was curious if this changes based on being the dumper or the dumpee. So, If you're the dumper then you're on a dimmer?
wrencn Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 I was curious if this changes based on being the dumper or the dumpee. So, If you're the dumper then you're on a dimmer? Well you hear about dumpers that see the grass isn't greener and try to come back to the dumpee but the dumpee has moved on!
Author spriggig Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 (edited) I think we're all on dimmers but some people can't face up to their own pain so they choose to ignore it, or bury it, or lock it up. Those who are quick to say it's over are afraid of hurting and the more often they're hurt the quicker they are to shut off the next time. The dimmer switch is basically damaged - possibly from childhood. To the outside world they appear to be tough and unemotional, but the pain is still there inside. Just my opinion. I'm definitely on a dimmer switch but it doesn't work properly. My control of it is limited. Time alone doesn't work for me. Any man I have loved in the past, I still love today, although the attachment, and therefore the pain, has gone. My pain drags on for years and I can't let go until I've thought everything out in minute detail and eventually reached the conclusion that it's for the best. Then I just learn to live with it. So, the switch is a hard-learned self-defense but dishonest in a way since they are still hurting inside. Perhaps, they don't even admit to themselves that they still hurt--or the pain manifests in some physical illness rather than the emotional pain it began as. I'm hoping for more answers, and some from other men, because I think societal pressure drives men to adopt a switch attitude. However, here on this board many men open up and share that they have a very hard time getting over breakups. If what LittleTiger says is true, then it's really unfortunate that men who open up in this way are often hammered down by both men and women. Then there is the idea that women, on a deep, primal level, only want manly men, and being on a switch would seem to be more manly. But I think there is also some evidence that men want manly women in that no one likes clingy, needy people. Wrencn, I noticed you gained a couple of admirers after you posted your picture, and I think saying "See ya sucker! LOL!" will gain you a few more. I suppose I don't want to trade in my dimmer switch for a broken one, but it sure appears to be the easier path out of this mess. Edited July 25, 2010 by spriggig
trippi1432 Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 So, the switch is a hard-learned self-defense but dishonest in a way since they are still hurting inside. Perhaps, they don't even admit to themselves that they still hurt--or the pain manifests in some physical illness rather than the emotional pain it began as. I'm hoping for more answers, and some from other men, because I think societal pressure drives men to adopt a switch attitude. However, here on this board many men open up and share that they have a very hard time getting over breakups. If what LittleTiger says is true, then it's really unfortunate that men who open up in this way are often hammered down by both men and women. Then there is the idea that women, on a deep, primal level, only want manly men, and being on a switch would seem to be more manly. But I think there is also some evidence that men want manly women in that no one likes clingy, needy people. Wrencn, I noticed you gained a couple of admirers after you posted your picture, and I think saying "See ya sucker! LOL!" will gain you a few more. I suppose I don't want to trade in my dimmer switch for a broken one, but it sure appears to be the easier path out of this mess. On one note, I can see the switch being a hard-learned self-defense, but I do not see it as a dishonest one....more a deflection or disassociation to the pain until they are ready to face it and deal with it. I know that I can disassociate due to some very traumatic events in my childhood. My emotions overwhelm me (love, panic, anxiety, pain...all of them) and I have to turn off or risk relapsing to a mental puddle of s*it. On another note, what I found out with therapy is that I never set boundaries in my life. Boundaries are not easy either....you want to help, you want to fix, you want to experience all the emotions of love....you even want to "control" and you don't like feeling out of control. Looking further at something that 2sunny posted on another thread in relation to this topic..... i've learned that it's not a switch - it's a personal boundary. once it crosses a certain point... i'd rather have my self respect than THAT person. if there is no boundary - you may as well be a doormat. This is probably the best post yet on the switch and the dimmer. We all have boundaries that we should set....but it doesn't mean that we don't feel, hurt or love the other person less. Being able to maintain your self-respect is important both in a relationship as well as going through the breakup of one....there are many on here that will tell you that they lost their self-respect during the breakup (me included).
Author spriggig Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 Well you hear about dumpers that see the grass isn't greener and try to come back to the dumpee but the dumpee has moved on! So, like LittleTiger said, the switch is forced off to avoid pain and perhaps guilt and responsibility. But, we are really all on dimmers and a dumpee "returning to the scene of the crime" is an implicit recognition of this fact. Is this a "fake it till you make it" thing? Does it work? Or does it just put off the inevitable which comes back to haunt future relationships?
Butterflair Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 I'm on a switch, not sure how or why that is but it works with friends too. When I've been used and abused enough, I turn it off and I'm done. That person is no longer important to me. This is what happened with my husband, one time too many and the switch went off and I'm done. Now it's really hard to reach that switch and it takes time but once it's off, it's off.
wrencn Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 I'm on a switch, not sure how or why that is but it works with friends too. When I've been used and abused enough, I turn it off and I'm done. That person is no longer important to me. This is what happened with my husband, one time too many and the switch went off and I'm done. Now it's really hard to reach that switch and it takes time but once it's off, it's off. Exactly. It's like they reach "the point of no return" and once they step over it, there is no coming back.
trippi1432 Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 So, like LittleTiger said, the switch is forced off to avoid pain and perhaps guilt and responsibility. But, we are really all on dimmers and a dumpee "returning to the scene of the crime" is an implicit recognition of this fact. Is this a "fake it till you make it" thing? Does it work? Or does it just put off the inevitable which comes back to haunt future relationships? I would say that a "dumper" returning to the scene of the crime as you put it, as a person who doesn't respect your personal boundaries after being "dumped". My ex did that to me, while living with the OW, he stated the grass isn't greener and wanted to come back. Infidelity is a very personal boundary for me due to my experience with my first husband. Does that haunt my future relationships...YES, indeed it does. A dumpee who continuously returns to that break point in their life and relives it over and over again in their mind...yes, they will bring that insecurity, bias, hurt and eventually anger into their next relationship.....time is the only thing that heals that...and it's going to take time. Your "dimmer" will never go out completely, you will still love the idea of that person, but you may not love them anymore. But it is true that if you do not face up to the pain and deal with it...you will bring much angst to future relationships.
USMCHokie Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Great question. Before and during my ex, it was a dimmer. After my ex, I became a switch. If a girl left or I left a girl, that was it. Cut off. Next. But then again, I never allowed myself to get emotionally attached since my ex left...
LittleTiger Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Before and during my ex, it was a dimmer. After my ex, I became a switch. If a girl left or I left a girl, that was it. Cut off. Next. But then again, I never allowed myself to get emotionally attached since my ex left... I think that's the crux of it. People who can switch off maybe have a protective shield. It doesn't mean they don't feel anything it just means that the feelings are numbed a little so when 'the inevitable' end of the relationship happens they return to 'normal' faster. Is this a "fake it till you make it" thing? Does it work? Or does it just put off the inevitable which comes back to haunt future relationships? I don't think people who switch are 'faking' it as such, at least not consciously. They just have a different coping mechanism. Maybe theirs is the one that's working and the dimmers are the faulty ones? It's not how I see it but it is possible. I strongly believe that any emotions not dealt with will come back to haunt future relationships. I've been living apart from my (almost) ex for two years and I've recently started a new relationship with a man who is 18 months apart from his ex. We are both very aware of our past relationship issues jumping up to bite us on occasion. As I said before I'm a dimmer so I think this happens to some extent whether you are a dimmer or a switch. With the best will, and all the time, in the world none of us is ever going to come out of a serious relationship without one or two fairly robust scars. Maybe the dimmers have the advantage here because they're more aware of what's going on and more in touch with their emotions. So there is less potential for damage in a new relationship and they are more prepared to risk again. It would be interesting to know if people with a switch do actually 'move on' faster. Do they they jump straight in to the next relationship because they don't need the healing time or do they just say 'to hell with this' and give up on relationships until somebody appears who 'forces' them back into the game?
wrencn Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Spriggig, I will say that a really bad thing about being the "switch" type (for me) is I no longer have any hope for the relationship and not having hope makes coping difficult. Because everything I'm focusing on hasn't happened yet. Living for the future is just as bad as living in the past. This is just my personal thought/experiences. I'm sure everyone is different. I'm also in therapy so I will be sure to work through this.
karnak Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Those who are quick to say it's over are afraid of hurting and the more often they're hurt the quicker they are to shut off the next time. The dimmer switch is basically damaged - possibly from childhood. To the outside world they appear to be tough and unemotional, but the pain is still there inside. Just my opinion. You're probably very close to the truth. I've known extremely kind people who sometimes act like "masters of evil" in relationships (inflicting pain upon themselves and the others they're in love with). What did they all have in common? They were mistreated/abused when they were children
Author spriggig Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 Spriggig, I will say that a really bad thing about being the "switch" type (for me) is I no longer have any hope for the relationship and not having hope makes coping difficult. Because everything I'm focusing on hasn't happened yet. Living for the future is just as bad as living in the past. This is just my personal thought/experiences. I'm sure everyone is different. I'm also in therapy so I will be sure to work through this. What are you focusing on that hasn't happened yet, for instance? And what is preventing it from happening if you have no hope--what keeps your future from arriving now if you're not holding it off in the name of hope (as I feel I am doing, inexplicably)?
wrencn Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 What are you focusing on that hasn't happened yet, for instance? And what is preventing it from happening if you have no hope--what keeps your future from arriving now if you're not holding it off in the name of hope (as I feel I am doing, inexplicably)? I focus on my life once I get a job, when I can afford to get my own place, once I graduate from grad school, once we've been separated a year and can divorce, once I make friends... Time is the only thing that's keeping me from those things, but the wait is tough because for the first time since I was 19 I am waiting alone. Its hard to explain.
solitary_man Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 There are two parts to love. The easy one is the friendly love. That's the one that allows you to honestly say "no matter how bad things got, I still hope she has a good life." Most people don't run out of that love, even if they've been severely hurt by their SO. The other component is a lot trickier and causes more problems. The "in love" part. When I left my wife, I swore I felt nothing for her. It had been shut off. It felt gone. It was cold and dead and I had no hope for it. I was thoroughly convinced due to many reasons, including the excruciating emptiness I felt when having sex with her. I wasn't lying to her when I told her as much, because it's what I believed. I felt nothing for her. It wasn't a 'switch,' nor was it a 'dimmer'. It was something that, over time, grew dimmer and dimmer until it had been suffocated altogether and winked out. That's what it felt like. I'm beginning to realize, now, that it's still down there somewhere. It's just covered up with all the things she ever did that hurt me. At that point it gets to be a question of whether the relationship is worth the amount of work it's going to be to dig through all that stuff and find that lost treasure. And then there's also the very valid fear that it would only take a single bad thing at a bad time to cause that love to get covered up again... due to that, love is a pretty difficult thing to hope in for some of us. I wholeheartedly agree with LT about people hiding love when they get hurt. I believe that's exactly what I am contending with right now. And it scares me half to death.
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