A question of betrayal

[Circular]

I have to get this question off my chest...

 

I've been reading this forum for quite a few months now. As a MM who has had an A, I know I crossed the line and I betrayed my W and my vows and it will take some time for reparations. But, there' something that's been on my chest for sometime that I want to discuss and hear other points of view on and that is, what is betrayal? The reason I ask this is it seems almost everyone defines a BS as someone who was cheated on by their WS. Yet, I don't exactly see it this way; I see this as a very myopic view on betrayal.

 

Even though I've kept it inside for years and this is the first time I've outwardly written, spoken, etc.. about this I feel betrayed by my W as well, I'm not trying to justify or say that two wrongs make a right but it isn't because she ran into someone elses arms, its because I'm a private person and I like to keep personal things about me private and even after telling her again and again that this is how I am and that she should respect that, she's continually, openly told friends, family and others things about me, situations I have to deal with (ie a depressive phase I went through), etc.. to them. Things that I told her were only for 'us'. To me this is a betrayal of confidentiality and trust and for me it's very hurtful and this dismissal of my wishes is even more hurtful. So, I'm curious, I know this is the OW/OM board and most of the discussion of betrayal is around the WS but is that the only way betrayal is defined?

 

My curiosity is piqued tonight

[BellaBellaBella]

You make a good point. Yes, most see infidelity as the ultimate betrayal.

 

However, in any any situation there are shades of gray as to what betrayal is.

 

For me the difference is that while she hurt you emotionally. Your decision to betray her could have killed her with HIV etc.

 

Does this nigate her betrayals? no it doesn't. Have a frank talk with her about loose lips and how everytime she does this it pushes you away.

[pureinheart]

I have to get this question off my chest...

 

I've been reading this forum for quite a few months now. As a MM who has had an A, I know I crossed the line and I betrayed my W and my vows and it will take some time for reparations. But, there' something that's been on my chest for sometime that I want to discuss and hear other points of view on and that is, what is betrayal? The reason I ask this is it seems almost everyone defines a BS as someone who was cheated on by their WS. Yet, I don't exactly see it this way; I see this as a very myopic view on betrayal.

 

Even though I've kept it inside for years and this is the first time I've outwardly written, spoken, etc.. about this I feel betrayed by my W as well, I'm not trying to justify or say that two wrongs make a right but it isn't because she ran into someone elses arms, its because I'm a private person and I like to keep personal things about me private and even after telling her again and again that this is how I am and that she should respect that, she's continually, openly told friends, family and others things about me, situations I have to deal with (ie a depressive phase I went through), etc.. to them. Things that I told her were only for 'us'. To me this is a betrayal of confidentiality and trust and for me it's very hurtful and this dismissal of my wishes is even more hurtful. So, I'm curious, I know this is the OW/OM board and most of the discussion of betrayal is around the WS but is that the only way betrayal is defined?

 

My curiosity is piqued tonight

 

Hi C,

 

Interesting topic/concern. I completely agree with you that you were betrayed also. Many would disagree that yours was more hurtful than hers, although I disagree.

 

I think a betrayal is a betrayal...I think the worst thing you can do to a guy is talk about their privite stuff to others...I have been told this time and time again by many men...the men I encountered HATED gossip with a passion, they didn't talk mess about others ever.

 

Personally I think you are right, I'll be interested in seeing other opinions also....take care...

[NoIDidn't]

I understand what you are saying, but this board is specifically about infidelity.

 

I also know you aren't doing a tit-for-tat deal. My H is very private as well. We almost separated over me having a conversation with a friend concerning him that he didn't like. It never happened again as before that moment I didn't know how seriously he held that view, so I understand where you are coming from. And my conversation wasn't even negative, it was funny anecdotes about the men we loved. But it was too much for him.

 

There are lots of betrayals of the vows in marriage. This is where the renegotiating the marriage comes in. Plenty of us don't prioritize our mates/marriages and so we don't feel "cherished" as promised. Plenty of us do things that the other feels is disrespectful so "respect" often goes out the door too. If we communicated better with each other, and really let the other close to our hearts to know the pain of the broken vows things would get better. Often this doesn't happen until the marriage hits a crisis, and an A is a crisis, IMO (and that of most MCs).

 

I'm sure you have spoken with your W about this again and again. Have you sat down alone and really considered why it bothers you so much? My H's parents were deeply personal (secretive, if you ask me). They kept many important factors (including the births of children in circumstances they didn't agree with) from him. He hated it, but its what he knew so he was very uncomfortable with me discussing him/us in any way with my closest of friends. Interestingly enough, he loved it when I spoke highly of him to them (new promotion, car, etc.) but didn't want them knowing that he went out somewhere. Somewhat of a double standard. But I digress....

 

My point isn't that you should find a way to get over it, but find a way to talk about it with her that may resonate better than "don't do that, I don't like it". That should suffice most of the time, but often it doesn't when the other person isn't able to attach an emotion to it like you can.

 

I do get what you are saying, but this is likely a topic for the Marriage board as these kinds of betrayals are often spoken of there (not at all telling you where your thread should go, just mentioning it might get more hits than in here). You are certainly right, though. Betrayal is more than just related to fidelity. I felt cheated of many things from my H when he wasn't cheating on me at all. So I get it. I hope you are able to resolve this.

[sadintexas]

I see it as a betrayal as well. A betrayal of your confidence. A breach of trust. She certainly showed disrespect for your feelings as well.

 

I believe that most MP's have cause to be dissatisfied with or hurt by their spouse's actions or behaviors at some point during the M. It's how we choose to resolve that dissatisfaction or hurt that makes the difference...because you are right, two wrongs don't make a right.

[MorningCoffee]

I see this as a question of boundaries. You have framed these confidences made to her as for the two of you, implicitly drawing your boundary around the shared whatever. And she has, for whatever reason, not respected that boundary. Why?

 

Two thoughts occur. Had she agreed to the boundary? Or perhaps she felt once you had shared and you and she talked (or however you addressed the matter at hand), when that was concluded she felt you were now 'better' or something, and so she assumed the prior boundary was no longer operative. She then might describe the emotional exchange with friends and not feel she was doing anything wrong. That would be something to address with her.

 

The other thought that occurs to me comes from a book on boundaries (sorry, forget who wrote it). It talked about how effective boundary setting on important issues with someone sometimes requires that there be a consequence to not honoring the boundary, and stressed setting the consequence of violation in advance (“My boundary is like this . . . and if it is violated, then I intend to do this as a consequence . . . “). How if at all was a consequence implied if your confidence were not honored? Perhaps this is something to address first with yourself, and then with her.

 

IME, if there’s goodwill between you, chances improve that this kind of issue can definitely be worked out.

[SidLyon]

I have to get this question off my chest...

 

I've been reading this forum for quite a few months now. As a MM who has had an A, I know I crossed the line and I betrayed my W and my vows and it will take some time for reparations. But, there' something that's been on my chest for sometime that I want to discuss and hear other points of view on and that is, what is betrayal? The reason I ask this is it seems almost everyone defines a BS as someone who was cheated on by their WS. Yet, I don't exactly see it this way; I see this as a very myopic view on betrayal.

 

Even though I've kept it inside for years and this is the first time I've outwardly written, spoken, etc.. about this I feel betrayed by my W as well, I'm not trying to justify or say that two wrongs make a right but it isn't because she ran into someone elses arms, its because I'm a private person and I like to keep personal things about me private and even after telling her again and again that this is how I am and that she should respect that, she's continually, openly told friends, family and others things about me, situations I have to deal with (ie a depressive phase I went through), etc.. to them. Things that I told her were only for 'us'. To me this is a betrayal of confidentiality and trust and for me it's very hurtful and this dismissal of my wishes is even more hurtful. So, I'm curious, I know this is the OW/OM board and most of the discussion of betrayal is around the WS but is that the only way betrayal is defined?

 

My curiosity is piqued tonight

 

I know that the meaning of the word "betrayal" encompasses far more than just infidelity. So I expect that by a very broad understanding of the meaning of "betrayal", your wife betrayed you.

 

I also know that over the years I have betrayed my husband and he me in a few ways that have nothing to do with infidelity. Mostly minor. In our marriage infidelity has been the most major, traumatic and life altering betrayal. Anything else pales into insignificance.

 

This forum and the "Infidelity" forum are mainly about discussion and support for affairs and infidelity which is why other forms of betrayal don't get discussed much unless they are incidental to the infidelity/affair.

[cavedweller]

Circular,

 

You are married and have been riding the pony on the side...

 

You are trying to 'spin' this to make it look like your wife drove you to having an affair..

 

If your marriage is so bad why don't you file for a divorce and move on?

[Gfkr2]

Let's see. You had a PA and somehow YOU feel betrayed. I think putting your *ick into another woman when you are in a committed,

long term R means you are the betrayer and not the betrayed.

 

All M suffer from comminications problems, but not every spouse in this situation decides to cheat. You should have turned to MC to address the confidentialty issue you describe with your W.

 

No sympathy here.

[Circular]

I understand what you are saying, but this board is specifically about infidelity.

 

I also know you aren't doing a tit-for-tat deal. My H is very private as well. We almost separated over me having a conversation with a friend concerning him that he didn't like. It never happened again as before that moment I didn't know how seriously he held that view, so I understand where you are coming from. And my conversation wasn't even negative, it was funny anecdotes about the men we loved. But it was too much for him.

 

There are lots of betrayals of the vows in marriage. This is where the renegotiating the marriage comes in. Plenty of us don't prioritize our mates/marriages and so we don't feel "cherished" as promised. Plenty of us do things that the other feels is disrespectful so "respect" often goes out the door too. If we communicated better with each other, and really let the other close to our hearts to know the pain of the broken vows things would get better. Often this doesn't happen until the marriage hits a crisis, and an A is a crisis, IMO (and that of most MCs).

 

I'm sure you have spoken with your W about this again and again. Have you sat down alone and really considered why it bothers you so much? My H's parents were deeply personal (secretive, if you ask me). They kept many important factors (including the births of children in circumstances they didn't agree with) from him. He hated it, but its what he knew so he was very uncomfortable with me discussing him/us in any way with my closest of friends. Interestingly enough, he loved it when I spoke highly of him to them (new promotion, car, etc.) but didn't want them knowing that he went out somewhere. Somewhat of a double standard. But I digress....

 

My point isn't that you should find a way to get over it, but find a way to talk about it with her that may resonate better than "don't do that, I don't like it". That should suffice most of the time, but often it doesn't when the other person isn't able to attach an emotion to it like you can.

 

I do get what you are saying, but this is likely a topic for the Marriage board as these kinds of betrayals are often spoken of there (not at all telling you where your thread should go, just mentioning it might get more hits than in here). You are certainly right, though. Betrayal is more than just related to fidelity. I felt cheated of many things from my H when he wasn't cheating on me at all. So I get it. I hope you are able to resolve this.

 

Yes, this is where I was coming from in my original post, though I'm not that tight about information as you describe your ex, there are numerous times I've spoken to my W about things in confidence. Another example would be a friend of mine who was having marital problems that he wanted kept private, yet she brought it up in a discussion with a group of friends. We had a big argument about it but alas it still didn't 'stick' after she agreed she shouldn't do that.

 

I posted here because it's part of my process to deconstruct all the the things that led me to confiding in someone else and led me into an EA. I'm not trying to justify what I did, or rationalize it. I'm trying to break it apart so I know where I need to fix things, where things need to change, and a portion of that requires identifying the things that I stuffed inside and turned into resentment.

[Circular]

I know that the meaning of the word "betrayal" encompasses far more than just infidelity. So I expect that by a very broad understanding of the meaning of "betrayal", your wife betrayed you.

 

I also know that over the years I have betrayed my husband and he me in a few ways that have nothing to do with infidelity. Mostly minor. In our marriage infidelity has been the most major, traumatic and life altering betrayal. Anything else pales into insignificance.

 

This forum and the "Infidelity" forum are mainly about discussion and support for affairs and infidelity which is why other forms of betrayal don't get discussed much unless they are incidental to the infidelity/affair.

 

I agree, what I did was much worse, I wasn't trying to say they were equivalent but there are other forms of feeling betrayed and that was what I was highlighting. These small betrayals fester if not addressed, I should of figured out how to address them better. But now that I'm beginning to understand them I can understand where the work needs to be done.

[Circular]

Circular,

 

You are married and have been riding the pony on the side...

 

You are trying to 'spin' this to make it look like your wife drove you to having an affair..

 

If your marriage is so bad why don't you file for a divorce and move on?

 

 

No spin. Trying to be introspective to understand the things that created resentment and issues and why they affected me the way they did, own up to them and figure out how to fix them.

 

Why would I need to spin? Especially here? I don't need anyone here to approve or disapprove of my actions. I'm a man and a grown-up and humanly fallible and fully capable of determining my own path and correct the errors I make. I posted my OP to understand how others view the same type of issues.

 

Also, just because I had an A doesn't absolve my BS from mistakes she made in the marriage as well.

[Circular]

Let's see. You had a PA and somehow YOU feel betrayed. I think putting your *ick into another woman when you are in a committed,

long term R means you are the betrayer and not the betrayed.

 

All M suffer from comminications problems, but not every spouse in this situation decides to cheat. You should have turned to MC to address the confidentialty issue you describe with your W.

 

No sympathy here.

 

Well, firstly I wasn't looking for any sympathy, I don't need it. That wasn't my point.

 

Secondly you're right I should have taken the steps and pushed us into MC when I felt it was damaging the relationship. Thing is, these things creep up over a very long time, so now the damage is done and it needs to be resolved, reconciled, etc...

[Enchanted Girl]

I have a mother who does this kind of thing to me all the time. In fact, I've lost some friendships because she shared things with people that I asked her to keep private. She's humiliated me a bunch of times.

 

But still, if I was cheated on, it would hurt a million times worse than any of that did. It's not comparable.

 

It's like a murderer saying that it's comparable to someone punching someone in the face. Yes, they are both violent actions, but one is much worse than the other and also, why can't you treat both things as separate issues? Maybe you cheated for that reason and that's good for you to know and the two of you do need to talk about her blabbing your secrets (just because someone was cheated on, doesn't mean they are a perfect spouse), but if you insist on associating the two, it's a veiled threat. It's kind of like saying,"Someone punched me one day, so I killed them. You need to stop punching me."

 

You see what I'm getting at. Your logic is . . . .

 

"Blabbing secrets is a type of betrayal, just like adultery is. I cheated on you because you blabbed my secrets. You have to stop blabbing secrets." It's such a huge THREAT you're making because the implied words at the end of the last sentence is "or I might do it again." It's also a veiled insult,"You're a betrayer too. Just like me and you've been mad at me this whole time."

 

It's better to just say both things are wrong and not compare them.

[wheelwright]

I'm totally with you on different forms of betrayal.

 

TBH I'd rather my SO slept with another, carried on behind my back etc. than hurt me day to day in the face with minor emotional abuse.

 

That's easier for me to understand.

 

I think BSs need to think longer and harder.

 

In my situation it took five years of feeling alone before I strayed, and then I couldn't hide it.

 

I think people have a right to talk to close others about stuff. Why feel so closed anyway?

 

Where will you go if we all say 'keep it all inside''?

[White Flower]

Let's see. You had a PA and somehow YOU feel betrayed. I think putting your *ick into another woman when you are in a committed,

long term R means you are the betrayer and not the betrayed.

 

All M suffer from comminications problems, but not every spouse in this situation decides to cheat. You should have turned to MC to address the confidentialty issue you describe with your W.

 

No sympathy here.

Wow, angry responses are not going to help the OP answer his question.

 

FWIW circular, I didn't see your thread as asking for sympathy.

 

I agree with you, betrayal comes in all forms.

 

When my exH gave money to his EA partner, that was a form of betrayal.

 

When my exH hid money with my ex in-laws that was community property, that was a form of betrayal.

 

When my girlfriend found a guy I was crushing on at a dating website and offered her phone number to him via that site, that was a form of betrayal.

 

All these things lead to other disasters if we don't/can't work on them. BTW, it takes TWO people to work on the shared problem and if your W didn't aid in seeking the help that is on her. I'm sure, at that point, frustration took its toll and here we are.

 

I know that many people will shoot that down, but ultimately (ultimately being a key word on this thread) we don't look for nor allow As to happen until we are at our limit in the current R. I think the betrayed often don't understand that limit because they haven't been there yet. That is not a justification, BTW, just an ever so short explanation.

[OWoman]

I have to get this question off my chest...

 

I've been reading this forum for quite a few months now. As a MM who has had an A, I know I crossed the line and I betrayed my W and my vows and it will take some time for reparations. But, there' something that's been on my chest for sometime that I want to discuss and hear other points of view on and that is, what is betrayal? The reason I ask this is it seems almost everyone defines a BS as someone who was cheated on by their WS. Yet, I don't exactly see it this way; I see this as a very myopic view on betrayal.

 

Even though I've kept it inside for years and this is the first time I've outwardly written, spoken, etc.. about this I feel betrayed by my W as well, I'm not trying to justify or say that two wrongs make a right but it isn't because she ran into someone elses arms, its because I'm a private person and I like to keep personal things about me private and even after telling her again and again that this is how I am and that she should respect that, she's continually, openly told friends, family and others things about me, situations I have to deal with (ie a depressive phase I went through), etc.. to them. Things that I told her were only for 'us'. To me this is a betrayal of confidentiality and trust and for me it's very hurtful and this dismissal of my wishes is even more hurtful. So, I'm curious, I know this is the OW/OM board and most of the discussion of betrayal is around the WS but is that the only way betrayal is defined?

 

My curiosity is piqued tonight

 

My views on this are not likely to enjoy much support here, but speaking as a W:

 

What matters is not the piece of paper, but the R. And if one party has betrayed the M - through breach of confidence, abuse, sexual infidelity or whatever - then there is no M left for the other person to betray. The M has ceased to exist - until such time as it is rebuilt, by both parties being fully committed to ensuring its survival and both being fully committed to preventing recurrences of whatever did the damage.

 

If your W betrays the M and damages it, and does not commit fully (through actions as well as words) to repairing it and making it stronger and more robust, then you no longer have a M, just a meaningless anachronistic piece of paper chaining you to a dead contract with the state. To some people here, that might amount to a M, valid before god and his minions, but to me it doesn't. IMO if it's not a living, breathing, passionate R, it's a farce, not a M.

[Ellin]

I have to get this question off my chest...

 

I've been reading this forum for quite a few months now. As a MM who has had an A, I know I crossed the line and I betrayed my W and my vows and it will take some time for reparations. But, there' something that's been on my chest for sometime that I want to discuss and hear other points of view on and that is, what is betrayal? The reason I ask this is it seems almost everyone defines a BS as someone who was cheated on by their WS. Yet, I don't exactly see it this way; I see this as a very myopic view on betrayal.

 

Even though I've kept it inside for years and this is the first time I've outwardly written, spoken, etc.. about this I feel betrayed by my W as well, I'm not trying to justify or say that two wrongs make a right but it isn't because she ran into someone elses arms, its because I'm a private person and I like to keep personal things about me private and even after telling her again and again that this is how I am and that she should respect that, she's continually, openly told friends, family and others things about me, situations I have to deal with (ie a depressive phase I went through), etc.. to them. Things that I told her were only for 'us'. To me this is a betrayal of confidentiality and trust and for me it's very hurtful and this dismissal of my wishes is even more hurtful. So, I'm curious, I know this is the OW/OM board and most of the discussion of betrayal is around the WS but is that the only way betrayal is defined?

 

My curiosity is piqued tonight

Hi, Circular.

 

Thank you for sharing this. We do need more MM on the board to shed light on MM's perspective.

 

I've been making this point for a while - the damage to R starts long before one of the spouses strays and BS usually takes part in doing this damage, which can happen in many different ways. But somehow most BS over here get enraged by this statement and do not want to accept it.

 

Yes, betrayal can take various forms but the hurt is just the same. But a betrayal of a different kind than A is not so easily recognisable by the society.

[Spark1111]

Circular, yes!

 

There are five areas of trust in a relationship:

 

I trust you to keep my confidences, whatever or whomever they may be about.

 

I trust you to protect our joint finances; not gambling it away or secretly making purchases or investments I am not informed of.

 

I trust you to make every effort to remain healthy for our future, (this also emcompasses drug addictions and substance abuse.)

 

I trust not to have my opinions, political beliefs, religious beliefs, as long as they are not harmful to us, held against me....

 

and of course, I trust you to be faithful to me.

 

A breech in any of these five areas erodes trust and harms a relationship, to varying degrees.

[Snowflower]

I have to get this question off my chest...

 

I've been reading this forum for quite a few months now. As a MM who has had an A, I know I crossed the line and I betrayed my W and my vows and it will take some time for reparations. But, there' something that's been on my chest for sometime that I want to discuss and hear other points of view on and that is, what is betrayal? The reason I ask this is it seems almost everyone defines a BS as someone who was cheated on by their WS. Yet, I don't exactly see it this way; I see this as a very myopic view on betrayal.

 

Even though I've kept it inside for years and this is the first time I've outwardly written, spoken, etc.. about this I feel betrayed by my W as well, I'm not trying to justify or say that two wrongs make a right but it isn't because she ran into someone elses arms, its because I'm a private person and I like to keep personal things about me private and even after telling her again and again that this is how I am and that she should respect that, she's continually, openly told friends, family and others things about me, situations I have to deal with (ie a depressive phase I went through), etc.. to them. Things that I told her were only for 'us'. To me this is a betrayal of confidentiality and trust and for me it's very hurtful and this dismissal of my wishes is even more hurtful. So, I'm curious, I know this is the OW/OM board and most of the discussion of betrayal is around the WS but is that the only way betrayal is defined?

 

My curiosity is piqued tonight

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Circular.

 

I don't remember all the specifics of your situation, Circular, but you mentioned somewhere on this thread that you had an EA. I know tit for tat wasn't your intent and I can certainly understand your feelings of betrayal regarding your wife "blabbing your secrets" to everyone. However, have you considered that you were also most likely "blabbing her secrets" to your EA partner?

 

It does kind of appear tit for tat, IMO.

 

P.S. - not bashing you...this just came to mind as I read your OP.

[Circular]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Circular.

 

I don't remember all the specifics of your situation, Circular, but you mentioned somewhere on this thread that you had an EA. I know tit for tat wasn't your intent and I can certainly understand your feelings of betrayal regarding your wife "blabbing your secrets" to everyone. However, have you considered that you were also most likely "blabbing her secrets" to your EA partner?

 

It does kind of appear tit for tat, IMO.

 

P.S. - not bashing you...this just came to mind as I read your OP.

 

 

Maybe my A was somewhat the exception to the rule on this one. Being that I prefer to keep peoples confidences I actually never told my AP very much about my W. I think the both of us respected each others desire to keep particulars about our marriages and spouses to ourselves. We weren't spouse-bashers either, sure we had a few deep discussions about why we were doing what we were doing but they were more about feeling grown-apart from our spouses, we'd both been married nearly 20 years and were both married young.

[Circular]

Hi, Circular.

 

Thank you for sharing this. We do need more MM on the board to shed light on MM's perspective.

 

I've been making this point for a while - the damage to R starts long before one of the spouses strays and BS usually takes part in doing this damage, which can happen in many different ways. But somehow most BS over here get enraged by this statement and do not want to accept it.

 

Yes, betrayal can take various forms but the hurt is just the same. But a betrayal of a different kind than A is not so easily recognisable by the society.

 

Yes, exactly. I'm not saying that her betraying my confidences is anything nearly as painful or wounding as an A but these are the things that damage an M over time and if left unaddressed just fester. And, I also have to take responsibility for that happening, I should have (and will need to be) more firm and have more consequences around these things.

 

This is a significant pain point for me, which is why I brought it up, for me there's nothing worse than the humiliated feeling when a friend says "Oh, I heard about ....". Sure, I'm confident enough in myself to swallow it down and let it go knowing I'm not the only person that has problems with their lives. But I've always considered one role of being in an M to support and aid the other in attaining there goals, ideals and position in life. For me that undermines all of that.

[alexandria35]

I agree that there are many ways to betray another but I also think there is something to be said for keeping things in perspective.

 

Circular have you asked your wife why she feels the need to talk about you to other people? If you were in a state of depression wouldn't this have taken a toll on her as well? Is it possible that she spoke to others about it as a way to find support? Or was she trying to give support to someone that was going through the same thing by letting them know that she had btdt? I'm not saying you don't have a right to feel betrayed and I do think your wife should take your feelings seriously but I also think the motivation behind the action should also be taken into account. There is a huge difference between talking about personal matters as a way to give or receive emotional support and talking just for the sake of belittling or shaming the person being talked about. As a woman I can understand the need to get emotional support from my friends and family from time to time and I have no problem if my SO does the same. As a matter of fact we discussed this at one point because in our relationship he's the one with the big mouth...haha.

 

I think the reason so many people consider cheating the most serious form of betrayal has mostly to do with the lying and deceit involved. Your wife may have shared some parts of your personal life that you would have prefered remained private, but did she look you in the eye everyday and lie to you about it? Did she plot and plan secret meetings behind your back with the sole intention of betraying you? Was she taking love and affection away from you and giving it to another?

[Snowflower]

Maybe my A was somewhat the exception to the rule on this one. Being that I prefer to keep peoples confidences I actually never told my AP very much about my W. I think the both of us respected each others desire to keep particulars about our marriages and spouses to ourselves. We weren't spouse-bashers either, sure we had a few deep discussions about why we were doing what we were doing but they were more about feeling grown-apart from our spouses, we'd both been married nearly 20 years and were both married young.

 

Thanks for answering! Again, I really appreciate your honesty.

 

Actually, what you write sounds a bit like what my H said...that he never bashed me to the OW. Now, I will never know for sure of course. But I have come to the conclusion that whatever shortcomings I had were not the topic of discussion between him and the OW.

 

Back to your situation, have you had this discussion with your wife? If so, what does she say about divulging things that she shouldn't have about you?

[wheelwright]

Thanks for answering! Again, I really appreciate your honesty.

 

Actually, what you write sounds a bit like what my H said...that he never bashed me to the OW. Now, I will never know for sure of course. But I have come to the conclusion that whatever shortcomings I had were not the topic of discussion between him and the OW.

 

Back to your situation, have you had this discussion with your wife? If so, what does she say about divulging things that she shouldn't have about you?

 

 

Oh Snowflower. I love your posts. You seem one of the people on these boards who still bothers to post once they are sorted.

 

And that is my preface to my first (possibly only) diatribe against xMOM.

xMOM's W and xMOM both told me in no uncertain terms the M was dead. I feel used, because this obviously wasn't true.

 

But not only this, I was was made to feel insane because you denied that you had ever told me you hated/didn't love your H. And on top of this he told me he loved me. And then said to others this wasn't true.

 

The good thing is I;m getting over it.

 

I recognise I was stupid in capital letters. Ok. STUPID.

 

I feel more betrayed by xMOM than I ever felt in my life. And that's saying something.

 

I think and feel that if you don't trust someone, all the relevant elements of love disappear anyway. I would think circ. you must feel that by now?

 

But I don't know.