Contact levels from Exes

July 25, 2010

Okay, so my girlfriend was seeing her ex for around 1-1.5 years and even though they broke up and I got with her around 5 months ago he still contacts her alot.

I'm not the jealous type, I trust her but am wondering if I need to take action to take a firm stance against him. He calls all the time, like more than 3 times each day and she usually doesn't answer but I still see his name popping up. When he can't get through to her he sometimes calls her mum to try get through which I find too invasive if I'm honest.

The main time it bothers me is when he calls late at night, I have been in bed with her more than once now where he has called at 2:45am and 3:00am for example out of the blue and this just does not sit well with me.

It really grinds my gears and irritates me that he is bothering her, especially at such ludicrous times. She cancels these calls when they come through but I can't say whether she does when I'm not there.

Its a repetitive issue and I'm unsure what to say on this or what action to take. Thoughts people?

Thanks in advance

JohnM

July 25, 2010

I would address it with her first, as she would have the most power out of anyone to get him to back off. If he doesn't stop contacting her any more than any of her friends would do AND she doesn't seem to have a problem with this, then I would be suspicious.

July 25, 2010

I did bring it up that it bothers me that he bothers he so much. She apologised, but I said there wasn't anything to apologise about as its not her fault.

When he last called late at night we talked about it again as she knew it had irritated me, again it wasn't an anger at her more at him butting in. She asked me if I wanted her to just break all ties with him but I said its not my place and that its unreasonable for her to have to do that.

I know he used to be super contact with her texting non stop and wanting to know every single thing she was doing. She has stated that its been even worse since they broke up but she doesn't seem to be taking any steps to tell him to back off and stop bothering her so much. I don't really know what I could suggest to her as she does get quite pissed with him calling all the time. Though she sometimes tries to hide the fact that its him calling by saying its other people, though I know it isn't. I don't see why she would bother lying, its either to hide the fact of how much he calls or to try to keep it bothering me as an issue. I just don't know anymore.

July 25, 2010

You might just have to be a little more direct with her, as in asking her to have a talk with him that says she's with someone else right now so he either needs to slow down the contact or stop it altogether. Communicating with him more than a few times a week does seem excessive.

And it could be a number of reasons they contact each other that often. I wouldn't get too concerned untill she either refuses to have this talk with him or she has had the talk with no results.

July 25, 2010

I'd tell him to back the F off, and have her block his number.

July 25, 2010

I'd tell him to back the F off, and have her block his number.

i agree! and she should tell her Mom not to give him any info.

his 2 or 3 am calls are him calling when he's drunk or checking to see if she's with someone. either way - none of it is healthy for you two.

tell her no more! if she won't respect that - tell her there's not room for 3 people in the relationship.

July 25, 2010

If I were in her place, his behaviour wouldn't be acceptable at all, and I therefore wouldn't want him to be contacting me further.

She needs to tell him to butt off, because he clearly isn't capable of respecting her boundaries (I'm assuming now that she has set them in the first place, if not she needs to do that).

If that doesn't work, she needs to block his number or get a new number herself, and ask her mother not to give out information. Unless she really wants this to continue, this is stalkish behaviour.

I agree with you, it's not her fault (assuming again there is no encouragement on her part), but she needs to tell him in clear terms that it is not acceptable. Has she done that before and he is violating her boundaries? or she hasn't made it clear? If not, why not?

I have no problem whatsoever with 'normal' contact levels with exes and I'm not the jealous type, but this is way too excessive. I'd be annoyed if ANYONE called me that much, let alone an ex if he knew I was in a new relationship.

July 26, 2010

Thanks alot for your feedback everyone. I think the next time it occurs I will bring up the topic. I guess I should state that it makes me feel uncomfortable and I find it excessive for him to be contacting her so much. I don't think she has set any boundaries and she is perhaps too nice to be blunt with him, or to tell him to leave her alone unless I propose she do so and support her in it.

She seems willing to talk about it and does apologise when I tell her it bothers me. She seems willing to take action over it so I'll just have to be firm in my stance over it. If it bothers me again, I'll tell her that its been too long and that I am not happy with it and that she needs to put him in his place and tell him to back off.

Its such a pain when I have problems which I cannot directly deal with, you know? When its someone else's issue that directly effects you. Hmm, well I have thoughts set better in my head now, and I don't think my demands are out of line.

July 26, 2010

Well, you can directly deal with it, though she's the one who has more power to confront him on this as she's more likely to be listened to. Which is only reasonable as you only want 2 people in the relationship. Good luck.

July 26, 2010

If it truly bothers her, she'd block him!

I block anyone that bothers me- it's such a simple and easy solution.

I'd especially block an ex if it was affecting my new bf- because that would be the right thing to do.

July 26, 2010

Thanks alot for your feedback everyone. I think the next time it occurs I will bring up the topic. I guess I should state that it makes me feel uncomfortable and I find it excessive for him to be contacting her so much. I don't think she has set any boundaries and she is perhaps too nice to be blunt with him, or to tell him to leave her alone unless I propose she do so and support her in it.

She seems willing to talk about it and does apologise when I tell her it bothers me. She seems willing to take action over it so I'll just have to be firm in my stance over it. If it bothers me again, I'll tell her that its been too long and that I am not happy with it and that she needs to put him in his place and tell him to back off.

Its such a pain when I have problems which I cannot directly deal with, you know? When its someone else's issue that directly effects you. Hmm, well I have thoughts set better in my head now, and I don't think my demands are out of line.

Well, there are two issues here. The first is her ex's weird behaviour which you can't deal with directly. The other issue which you can deal with more directly with is her inability to establish and enforce firm boundaries. That's an issue which is about her, and her ability to manage (any human) relationships, and therefore also important for you as her boyfriend because she might have the same problem towards you in the future (not saying at all that you'd behave like the ex, but as human beings we all tend to step over people's boundaries if those people can't maintain those boundaries themselves). If you can support her to do that, as you suggest, you'd probably be better off as a couple in the long run, especially if you can make her see it as something that is beneficial for her and for your relationship, rather than something she is doing to make you happy.

July 26, 2010

you could tell her now while it's not an emotional or heated situation.

just tell her truthfully that you don't like it.

tell her to think if some gal was doing this to you - would she be loving it? would it make her wonder why communication continues at all hours. why does a person need to have that involvement in their personal life if they aren't intending to be intimate?

these are all valid points to show her. and she should have a tighter boundary...

July 26, 2010

These are all excellent points and the idea of bringing this up when I am clear headed rather than in the heat of the moment is something I contemplated overnight. The point of reflecting the situation is also something I considered saying, I love using that point as it opens up some people's mindset to them.

So many good points and techniques. I feel a bulletpointed piece of notepaper coming up!

Thanks again people, you have served to better construct my points I need to put across. I shall keep you updated!

~X~

July 26, 2010

have a calm discussion when you don't feel as though you are reacting or overreacting to his actions (calls).

this allows you both to express how you feel about adversity and will be telling about how you both problem solve together.

boundaries should be set... follow through will be key.

July 26, 2010

This seems odd but helps me clarify my points. How does something similar to these points seem to bring up in conversation. I think it hits the boxes.

I need to state my feelings on this. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I find it excessive for him to be contacting you so much. I feel you need to set out some clear firm boundaries to him in order for it to be a manageable situation, establish them and stick with it. I will support you in this but this is easiest done by you letting him know his contact is unacceptable. He doesn't seem capable of respecting not only you but the two of us within a relationship. He is more likely to listen to you but I am willing to talk with him if need be.

Its been almost 5 months now and I feel that when he calls he is interfering in our business, especially when he does so late at night. When he calls at those hours it is likely so that he can check if you are with someone, possibly also when drunk and is an attempt to keep some control over you and it is still very much akin to stalkerish behaviour.

Its not healthy for either of us as although I can't speak for you, it has an effect on me. By being able to establish these boundaries and clearing up the issue together we can build our support of one another and be better off as a couple in the long run. It must be of benefit to both of us, as I have stated it shouldn't just be me wanting this, you need to also, but I know you want to address the issue together.

September 8, 2010

So, update here rather than start a new post.

We talked about it a few times when the issue arose and she is better at blocking him off now. I believe she told him she did not want to see him anymore, which annoyingly made him contact her more. Anyhow, to more present.

This week he had been in contact as usual and I noticed I had been deleted from her facebook, she re-added me after confirming she didn't do it (I was the only person deleted). No problem I thought. Then it happened again. Only this time her email and facebook passwords had been changed.

We both thought this odd and I stated that since it was only me that was deleted it must be someone she knew. She thought it to be the work of her ex, I thought it seemed unlikely and petty. She text him asking and he denied it. She called him the next day and bullied him into admitting he had done it and got him to reset her passwords. He had added his email address to be able to log into both of her accounts. Sorted it all out and reset them all and deleted his access.

She said he text yesterday asking if they can talk and she has ignored it, but I know him. He will continue to bother her.

I feel this level of stalkerish and interference has delved into her privacy too far and so I should say something to him and step in. What do you guys think?

I really would appreciate some views on this. So please chime in.

Thanks people.

September 9, 2010

Whoa dude! That is confirmed stalkerism. I'd roundhouse kick him into the 25th century after something like that.

But first I'd actually speak with the authorities on what legal corners you could look at. I know down here in OZ if that happened you could apply for a no contact/approach order, especially since he confirmed he'd been accessing her mail accounts illegally. I'd also have his number blocked by her telco provider. I think it'd be in both your best interests if she went all out on the NC and blocked all means of contact, and with the no approach order he'd be less likely to rock up at her doorstep as well.

September 9, 2010

I generally agree with lemontang. That's really on the sick side.

September 10, 2010

lol generally agree? What so you wouldn't do the legal & telco stuff but you'd roundhouse kick him into the 25th century?

On the upside at least he'd get to meet Buck Rogers.

September 10, 2010

We have agreed upon no contact with him from now on. If he continues to bother her even when she is not replying then I will step in and choose the right level of action.

September 10, 2010

lol generally agree? What so you wouldn't do the legal & telco stuff but you'd roundhouse kick him into the 25th century?

:

Right on

September 13, 2010

i agree! and she should tell her Mom not to give him any info.

his 2 or 3 am calls are him calling when he's drunk or checking to see if she's with someone. either way - none of it is healthy for you two.

tell her no more! if she won't respect that - tell her there's not room for 3 people in the relationship.

I agree with you!

September 20, 2010

It's okay to have ex's as friends. Most of us had meaningiful and loving relationships in our lives that were not well suited for a lifetime partner and the result? Going our separate ways.

The relationship didn't work out. You are not meant to be with that person. You will always care for that person, so you are both mature about it and remain friends.

You keep in touch. You talk once a week, month or year. That's fine.

HOWEVER.....

Amount of contact and violating boundaries is quite another!

I must tell say, you have every right to feel uncomfortable with this guy's behavior.

Some people can't except the past is over and life moves forward.

I know you mentioned you spoke to her about your feelings and that's healthy that you communicated.

Unfortunetly, there's only so much in your girlfriend's power...she can't control his behavior or actions.

Perhaps she can be more firm and direct with him about his persistant, inconvenient and irritating phone calls.

If I were her, I would say this :

"Listen, I'm always going to be you're friend and although things didn't work out between us, I moved on. I'm very happy with "so and so" and to be honest, you're behavior is a major interferance in my relationship and we both find it annoying. Please, do not call me this often and/or at these times."

And that's it. If he does NOT respect her feelings and resumes his behavior, then she should get another number.

September 20, 2010

Okay, so my girlfriend was seeing her ex for around 1-1.5 years and even though they broke up and I got with her around 5 months ago he still contacts her alot.

I'm not the jealous type, I trust her but am wondering if I need to take action to take a firm stance against him. He calls all the time, like more than 3 times each day and she usually doesn't answer but I still see his name popping up. When he can't get through to her he sometimes calls her mum to try get through which I find too invasive if I'm honest.

The main time it bothers me is when he calls late at night, I have been in bed with her more than once now where he has called at 2:45am and 3:00am for example out of the blue and this just does not sit well with me.

It really grinds my gears and irritates me that he is bothering her, especially at such ludicrous times. She cancels these calls when they come through but I can't say whether she does when I'm not there.

Its a repetitive issue and I'm unsure what to say on this or what action to take. Thoughts people?

Thanks in advance
JohnM

I think it's pretty rude on the ex's part.

You could try approaching it with your gf, by saying that it puts you in an uncomfortable position and your relationship together cannot grow if there are constant reminders of past boyfriends still in the picture...

November 15, 2010

Been a while but he has started calling her again. Last night he called at least twice that I saw, the first time she grabbed the phone and cancelled it and I said next time I want to answer. This was at maybe 1am, the second time I was looking for my phone in the dark and noticed something lit up under my tshirt on the floor, it was her phone and him calling. She took the phone and answered telling him to **** off.

We discussed it today and she is going to drop off the very few things of his she still has and she is going to get the few clothes remaining at his she hasn't had a chance to get. She is very frustrated by him and angry, when trying to arrange to exchange things he started asking for things back like a laptop he gave her which she thinks is unreasonable to return. (why does this seem to happen to couples who get arsey and ask for everything ever given to loved other? anyway....)

He called her after I put her on the bus off to work and started calling her a bitch and how she cheated on him etc etc (she didn't btw). He is basically being a nuisance and trying to upset her.

What should be the steps now do you think? We have agreed the returning of everything to one another so he has no need to contact again (bar the troublesome laptop) and she has blocked him on msn/facebook (online side basically) I have said she should have his number barred on his phone. Has anyone got any experience with this or from how to near enough remove someone from being able to contact them again?

Thanks for anyone who takes the time to read and help. Why do my girlfriends tend to have psychotic exes...?

Sign In

Contact levels from Exes

Recommended Posts

JohnM

SassyKitten

JohnM

SassyKitten

Engadget

2sunny

denise_xo

JohnM

SassyKitten

D-Lish

denise_xo

2sunny

JohnM

2sunny

JohnM

JohnM

Lemontang

denise_xo

Lemontang

JohnM

denise_xo

athurart09

mclovin

CLC2008

JohnM

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...