messymichelle Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 just to update you all, he rang last saturday lookin to meet up i said no, this was followed by about 60 txt messages saying that he had something important to tell i wouldnt reply, in my eyes if it couldnt be anything that important to the way that i was feeling,pretty low. so on wednesday he purposly arrives at the creche when im dropping of our son, he asks for an hour to talk i said 15 minutes, then BANG the words i have been dying to hear , ive made a mistake, i love you ,i miss you i want to come home, come tummbling out of his mouth, i stood there and it was like time stood still. i told him he needed to sort himself out first then i would think about it, he told me that he had kinda finished with the ow but was going to do it properly to her face, now mutal friends have let it slip that she is totally obsessed with him, so he tells me that hes afraid incase she does something stupid that the way she bahaves isnt normal i meet him again on friday and ask has he changed his mind as he still hasnt told her he swears that he hasnt but needs 3 days to sort this out, i know that i have let him into what i call my danger zone as he could easily do damage here and im trying to remain unemotional about it just in case, any suggestions from anyone about what i should do from here? do you think he really means it? or is this a way to keep me as a back up plan??
Feelin Frisky Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 You ain't kiddin' about some messy. That there's your messy. But seriously, I don't know what to say except that's some messy........................................................................and I wish you all the best. Regaining trust should take some prooving and not just some saying. Since I don't know you or him or the OW mess, I'd advise only taking him back after a while of water-tight showing of trustful behavior on his part. Betrayal hurts. And when you let someone back in who's betrayed you, a person can feel the double sting of self-betrayal on top of what the snake disshes out. So don't be rushed by someone who already did you harm (if I read your story right).
Author messymichelle Posted July 24, 2010 Author Posted July 24, 2010 i know its a complete ****ed up mess !!! but i feel like he done the running the grovelling offered to change his number ect, if i would just give him another chance, but i feel like he is still holding back and im not sure if its becos of this ow, though i did tell him that if he wanted to come back then it had to befor the right reasons, like the fact that he wants to becos he loves me ect. he swears that he does but i have a feeling that he still hasnt told the ow that their fling is over when i asked him all he said was that he kinda told her but needed 3 days to sort it out, now i dont want to ask too many questions about this becos i may not like what he has to say but i feel the insecurities coming back that as he hasnt properly told her well he may still be in some sort of contact with her. do i give him the 3 days to sort it out?? or do i go back to nc and just walk away when i have come this far, and leave him in the bed that he chose to lie in
GrayClouds Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Figure out what you want... He end it now, Get a place of his own for a 6 months and work on himself, Him go to individual therapy, You two go to couple therapy, and /or other specific that need to be done or address the issues. Then tell him, if he is true to his words about making a mistake and wanting back this is what you expect. And, from here on out you will judge him, and make up your judgment about the relationship based not on words but his action. Non-negotiable. It is only a mess if YOU want to keep it a mess, or decide what you need from him to clean it up (and what things you need to do too) otherwise your just enjoying the drama and enjoying the mess.
Feelin Frisky Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 (edited) i know its a complete ****ed up mess !!! but i feel like he done the running the grovelling offered to change his number ect, if i would just give him another chance, but i feel like he is still holding back and im not sure if its becos of this ow, though i did tell him that if he wanted to come back then it had to befor the right reasons, like the fact that he wants to becos he loves me ect. he swears that he does but i have a feeling that he still hasnt told the ow that their fling is over when i asked him all he said was that he kinda told her but needed 3 days to sort it out, now i dont want to ask too many questions about this becos i may not like what he has to say but i feel the insecurities coming back that as he hasnt properly told her well he may still be in some sort of contact with her. do i give him the 3 days to sort it out?? or do i go back to nc and just walk away when i have come this far, and leave him in the bed that he chose to lie in I get (and I guess I got) what you are saying because you chose to call it mess and I agreed. I guess that what I said comes from what you seem to feel--it sounds like a wicked old witch has an hour glass turned on you and you have to make a life or death decision by the time the last grain of sand falls or something wicked will your way come. My advice is as it was, you shouldn't be being bullied by anyone, the least of which is yourself to face these time deadlines or what. This I can't understand unless I lived your life and it's why all I can say really is it becomes complicated by all of this "rush". Something strikes me unkosher when a man texts you 10 times about some gush of impulse on his part. Eff him. Make him wait if he was unfaithful to. That's one way to take some time pressure off the "mess", but frankly such behavior to me sounds totally self-centered and he could be saying the same thing once his internal lava lamp rolls all the goo in the opposite direction of his current mood. Edited July 24, 2010 by Feelin Frisky
GrayClouds Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Figure out what you want... He end it now, Get a place of his own for a 6 months and work on himself, Him go to individual therapy, You two go to couple therapy, and /or other specific that need to be done or address the issues. Then tell him, if he is true to his words about making a mistake and wanting back this is what you expect. And, from here on out you will judge him, and make up your judgment about the relationship based not on words but his action. Non-negotiable. I will add, no if's, and's or but's; any less then 100% yes followed buy 100% action then go NC for good.
Author messymichelle Posted July 24, 2010 Author Posted July 24, 2010 thanks guys for the replies, i guess i stopped waiting for him to come back and got on with my life and it really was a shock to have him grovel and beg. im very wary and scared, i feel under pressure to make a decision and i guess i was thinking more of him than what i want i do miss him and i do love him, he didnt cheat on me, we broke up 2 months ago and he got with her 3 weeks later, i afraid of getting hurt again, because he walked out on me and the kids with no explanation at the time and i afraid that he may do it again. this mess is his mess, so i told him that before i even consider any kind of a decision than he must sort it out first. that there is nothing that i can do about it, ive spent 10 years with him i know that he is genuine in what he saying to me but it doesnt stop my thoughts on if we can ever really get over this or whether im prepared to face the long hard haul to get back on track again,
GrayClouds Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 i know that he is genuine in what he saying to me but it doesnt stop my thoughts on if we can ever really get over this or whether im prepared to face the long hard haul to get back on track again It may be genuine what he is saying but it will not be real until he acts, and unless you both are clear what the exceptions of those actions are, the opportunity for misunderstandings are high and will only hurt the process of building trust. With clear agreed upon expectations, each time he follows through or fail to, you will be easier for you to decide if your willing to continue the long hall. I would suggest if defining these expectation then working with a professioal third party to help you two would be the first one. It time to stop being scared and start being in control of what you want. Good luck.
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