PlzDelte Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 (edited) I am 15 and have very little self-confidence when it comes to talking to people in the real world and don't think I am attractive at all. I could pour my heart and soul onto here...it's weird. Anyway, I kind of came to this epiphany when I was at camp and there were girls there (as I go to a boys school and all extra curricular are held there free of charge, as the fee is quite expensive, so I don't meet any girls). I am shy already and just ended up not really talking too much at all, one of the guys there saying I'm boring, which to be honest, I have to agree with. I kind of have these two sides to me 1. My best personality (I'd say) when I am on my own, around family or friends I've known for a good while, I talk, am funny and social interaction in general goes well, I am funny and interesting (compared to 2.). 2. When around people I don't know, I don't talk much and have nothing to say, my brain just kind of goes dead and can't think of anything to say. Because of this, I kind of left the camp. I'm ashamed and really dejected. At the camp, there was this girl that kept looking at me or 'checking me out' (but that sounds slutty lets face it, thats what boys do). This really surprised me and I suppose it boosted my confidence then alot. I thought she was really good looking but judging from what I have seen, my tastes aren't exactly mainstream/less harsh about imperfections. But, you guessed it, at my time there (half the camp course time) I didn't talk to her as I was to nervous/shy/ too much of a pussy....and when the moment would pass I woud just say to myself 'next time' etc etc. So now that I'm home I realize I stupidly wasted a great opportunity to get my first gf, and am just angry at myself. I have her Facebook but I know that's me being desperate and I don't want to give someone else my problems, especially if they are decent enough to be attracted to ME. I've always wanted a gf, I dont know why. I also know i shouldn't really, and also view girls that way, that I should get to know them etc etc. Be less shallow but turns out I'm Mr Anti-Shallow unless it's myself being it. Critical of other people but not myself, I s'pose I just want the best for them as I don't really deserve hope... Sorry, I started out wanting a small post and I whined..sorry Does anyone have any advice? Thank you very much if you did read this, E.D Edited July 24, 2010 by EuphoricDuffer
denise_xo Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 (edited) I am 15 and have very little self-confidence when it comes to talking to people in the real world and don't think I am attractive at all. I could pour my heart and soul onto here...it's weird. Listen, don't beat yourself up about this, it's a pretty normal feeling at your age. It's very unlikely that you are not attractive at all, you just need to boost your confidence level. I am shy already and just ended up not really talking too much at all, one of the guys there saying I'm boring, which to be honest, I have to agree with. I kind of have these two sides to me 1. My best personality (I'd say) when I am on my own, around family or friends I've known for a good while, I talk, am funny and social interaction in general goes well, I am funny and interesting (compared to 2.). 2. When around people I don't know, I don't talk much and have nothing to say, my brain just kind of goes dead and can't think of anything to say. Since you have this 'first' side of you, then you know that you can do it. You know that you can be social, funny and interesting. Basically, you have what it takes and you just need to get past the fear and transfer into the real world. Because of this, I kind of left the camp. I'm ashamed and really dejected. At the camp, there was this girl that kept looking at me or 'checking me out' (but that sounds slutty lets face it, thats what boys do). :laugh: Well, just so you're clear on this: girls do it, too! And you should be happy about it, because it makes life easier for shy guys like you! at my time there (half the camp course time) I didn't talk to her as I was to nervous/shy/ too much of a pussy....and when the moment would pass I woud just say to myself 'next time' etc etc. So now that I'm home I realize I stupidly wasted a great opportunity to get my first gf, and am just angry at myself. I have her Facebook but I know that's me being desperate and I don't want to give someone else my problems, especially if they are decent enough to be attracted to ME. So, if you do a thought experiment for a moment: If you had talked to her at that camp, or if you befriend her on facebook - what is the worst thing that could happen?? Does anyone have any advice? - Firstly, consider some counselling. It sounds like you have internalised a range of negative thought patterns about yourself that are in turn affecting how you behave. Cognitive therapy could be really useful for you. - Your problem has very little to do about you not being attractive and everything to do about your lack of confidence. If you go around thinking that you are not attractive, you are (subconsciously) projecting this to others. Show them that you are confident and feel good about yourself, and they will feel good about you and take you seriously. It's all about attitude. - DO NOT EVER consider it charity if someone shows interest in you (as in your comment "especially if they are decent enough to be attracted to ME"), and DON'T feel desperate - it shows! - When you are struck with fear of speaking in public/ contacting someone/ approaching someone, ask yourself: What is the worst thing that can happen if I do it?? Quite often, nothing bad can happen at all, it's just fear that's paralyzing your mind. - When you are socialising, try to get into conversations at an early stage in the process. You don't have to make some long speech or say the funniest thing ever, just GET IN THERE - then it will be much easier to follow up. If your mind can't think of much to say, try to come up with a question you can ask others - then tag along and use their answers to try to take the conversation further. Just face this issue head on and you will sort it out. Why don't you approach this girl on FB as a first test (no it's not desperate, and no you are not giving her your problems, you are giving her a compliment - but you have to do in a 'I feel good about myself'-manner, not the 'I feel desperate'-frame of mind). Edited July 24, 2010 by denise_xo
Author PlzDelte Posted July 24, 2010 Author Posted July 24, 2010 Thank you very much, I don't know about counselling as I don't want to bother my parents but I will try all of these, when I get a chance, probably next Summer. Thank you.
TheLoneSock Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Well Euphoric let's break it down. What is it about you physically that makes you think you are unattractive? When you are in social situations or public arrangements do you feel very anxious or nervous, like all eyes are on you? Have you always been like this, or can you remember a specific period in your life where this started becoming more and more prevalent?
Author PlzDelte Posted July 24, 2010 Author Posted July 24, 2010 Well Euphoric let's break it down. What is it about you physically that makes you think you are unattractive? When you are in social situations or public arrangements do you feel very anxious or nervous, like all eyes are on you? Have you always been like this, or can you remember a specific period in your life where this started becoming more and more prevalent? 1. Well no girls have ever really shown any interest in me what-so-ever and I don't see anything attractive about me. 2. In front of adults I don't really know I feel like all eyes are on me yes but around people my age, no, as I don't join in 'the main group' (you could call it). I found it easier to talk to less attractive girls (shallow I know,I'm working on it), but would still end up having nothing to say. I also found it slightly easier to talk to girls that start the conversation but I'd still screw it up someway or another. 3. Well, I switched to an all boys school when I was 11/12 maybe so it went down-hill from there. I'm quiet in school but have my small niche. I don't really have a social-life and my only outside hobby is PC and nobody my age lives near me. I know I will get loads of advice like, 'go out more' 'get a hobby' but I have tried loads of hobbies and stuff and just haven't found anything that suits me. I don't know if it's laziness or what but I'm just not motivated to do anything. I think it's because I don't like talking/meeting loads of people. I think I am Autistic or something but again, blaming it on a disorder instead of doing anything about it. Thanks a lot anyway, but there's no point replying to this thread, I'm just a lazy, useless bollox. Thanks for your replies, keep helping better people
bac Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Do you see yourself to be involved sexually with a GF in real life? If you have a good personality with your family, it is a great sign. IMO It means that your problems will disappear naturally as far as you get more mature. Also, to deal with new people, you should be interested in them, their feelings and thoughts. They have the same problems as you do but you are so focused on yourself, your feelings and thoughts that you can not pay attention to other people.
Author PlzDelte Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 (edited) Do you see yourself to be involved sexually with a GF in real life? If you have a good personality with your family, it is a great sign. IMO It means that your problems will disappear naturally as far as you get more mature. Also, to deal with new people, you should be interested in them, their feelings and thoughts. They have the same problems as you do but you are so focused on yourself, your feelings and thoughts that you can not pay attention to other people. Thanks bac, I found that too. It wasn't that I didn't care about what they were saying because I wanted to, it's just all my thoughts just screwed around and I'd end up not paying attention, though all I actually wanted to do was give them my full attention I was just worried I'd **** something up...catch 22 Oh and btw bac if you read the top I'm 15, so I don't think 'to be involved sexually with a GF' is legal , cud give it a shot tho jk..jk lol, not that dumb Edited July 25, 2010 by EuphoricDuffer
General LoveFist Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 You sound a lot like me, I am 18 now but back then i guess i could say i was just the same, and although I have not really sorted the problems out, they sure have improved throughout the years. You should never feel bad about yourself ... you might think that all women go for the best looking guys that they can find ... but that really ain't the case. Over the years I have learnt a lot, I also feel I am unattractive but seeing as a girl I used to like when out with someone who is a lot more physically unattractive than me I realised the hard way that it is not usually about looks, but in fact confidence and how you make yourself look in someone else's view. If you ever meet that girl again, then you should just give her a smile or just a quick hello and get chatting to her as if she is just a friend. If you think of yourself as the nice person you really are you will get very far indeed Personality is also a big factor and it sounds too me you have a great personality, so try and express it more!
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