can't think for myself.

[katelyn7]

I am having many problems in the area of relationships. I don't talk to anyone about it. I cannot seem to decide on whether I am in the right or the wrong in every situation. This is my first time that I am able to voice my thoughts and I appreciate anyone who takes time to read this...bc its going to be long....

 

First, I need to explain my current (well past) relationship, which was my only relationship I have ever been in. It lasted 2 and half years and I am currently still trying to end it. I fell in love with this guy who sold drugs, got into fights, and couldn't hold a job for longer than one month. I didn't know about the drug part, until about 6 months in, after which he stopped. I told him that I would not be able to stay in a relationship with someone who puts his life and others in danger every day. He hasn't gone back to that.. and if he has, I have not been able to find out. I feel like he was controlling, played mind games, and was manipulative. But, sometimes I feel like I am looking too far into it and often blame myself for the arguments. He seems to be talented at turning issues around and making me upset. After two years, I felt myself falling out of love and realized the many faults in our relationship. However, I was scared to end things, because of his temper and ability to change the situation around and twist my words. I couldnt' bring myself to say, 'I'm not in love anymore.' I was petrified, nervous, and even unsure if what i was doing was right. He does have good sides also--I know he loves me (however, sometimes i feel the love is more of an obsession), he cares greatly for family, and he has a great sense of humor. In our relationship, here are a couple of things that I feel made me fall out of love:

-his inability to hold a job and show responsibilities or his constant need to fight, and his temper (he has never hit me). He used to make plans to spend time with me and then not call me until midnight or later. I used to stay in waiting to hear from him, yet he would never call. I had waited at his house for him to come home because we had plans. He claimed his friend took his phone and tricked him to go gambling in AC for the night, while I waited at his house for him to come home all night. I have stayed up numerous nights by myself crying, worrying, and trying to figure out where he was and why he was not answering. He always comes up for excuses and makes me think that I'm overreacting. I feel like I fall for it everytime.

 

During this relationship, I confided in one guy friend of mine about some of the issues. I never told my friends everything, because I wanted them to like my boyfriend. I wanted a boyfriend who I could invite out with friends. So, I confided in this guy friend because i didn't want to keep everything that was bothering me inside. He told me that if i was unsure, i needed to end it. He was a great friend to talk to and always made me feel better. He started to tell me that he had feelings for me and would constantly ask to hang out. I always said no, because I thought it was a bad idea. I didnt know how to end things with my current boyfriend. I didnt want to cause more problems. And i knew that if i hung out with my friend, who says he had feelings for me, I would cheat and my ex would be calling me repeatedly, trying to find out where i was.

 

After a couple months, I started to realize that I wasnt sure about anything. Every time my ex did something that would have normally frustrated me, i found myself falling for it, blaming myself and questioning if what I did was right. I hated myself for it. I also found myself thinking more and more about my friend, who claimed he had feelings for me. I knew it was wrong but i couldnt help it. I am not a fighter and my boyfriend was pushing me further and further away with all the fighting. I am a quiet person and would avoid confrontation at any cost. I tried telling him i needed a break, and he flipped. My bf began calling non-stop, threatening to kill himself, telling me he would hurt any guy that i was trying to date. I didnt know what to do. I told the friend of mine (I'll call him Kevin.) that I tried to end the relationship and that my boyfriend had gone crazy. I didnt tell him that i started to have feelings for him also, because I didn't know what I was doing at this point .. and I was also scared of my boyfriend and what he would do if I tried to hang out with Kevin. Kevin told me that I needed to cut off any contact with him and stop answering his phone calls. He told me that if he did commit suicide, it wasnt my fault. Even if his advice was right, i couldnt stop talking to him if he was acting this crazy. This was in October of last year that this started and it is now July. It has been going on for too long. Right now I'm mentally drained, i cannot think for myself, and I don't think I've gone through one day without crying since last October. I am a very quiet person, I do not know how to handle arguments, and when people tell me I am wrong, I believe them.

 

Kevin and I did hang out a few times. I stayed at his house and we ended up having sex twice. I was hesitant, but he was persistent. I developed really strong feelings for him and I think I may even be in love with him. He always told me how much he liked me, so I guess that's how I justified having sex. I stayed in contact with him and we talked practically every night. My bf kept coming up. We were on a break, then broke up, then he would call non-stop and threaten to commit suicide. I tried talking to him and things would calm down. Then he would assume we were back together and I'd have to tell him I needed more space again. This pattern repeated several times. I probably drove him nuts, but he scared me so much when I tried to end it permanently. And sometimes, I felt like maybe I was doing the wrong thing. I dont know what I'm thinking anymore!

 

Anyway, earlier this year, I felt as though Kevin was keeping his distance from me. He stopped talking as much. He would tell me he wanted to see me and that he missed me and asked me to hang out. I would be so excited and happy to see him because he made me feel happy, calm, and i loved being around him. But then he began to forget our plans and i felt like maybe he stopped having feelings for me. I knew he was probably talking to girls and I was not the only person he liked. He still told me he liked me and I tried not to get upset when I knew it wasnt true. I tried to tell him how i felt (something I should have done a long time ago) and he responded by saying 'dont start to like me.' I was confused, angry, and really hurt by his response. Why can he tell me but why can't i tell him? How can someone say that to someone they've had sex with? Why am i not allowed to like him?! A couple months ago, I found out he was dating someone. I literally felt my heart hit the floor. He has always been there for me, has always talked to me when i needed him, and i would do absolutely anything for him. Hearing this made me feel so hurt. I hated myself. What did i do wrong? Why didnt i tell him earlier? Why did I screw up every chance I had? Why did I have sex with him? Why didnt he want me to like him?

 

I wrote him a long message explaining everything. He never responded to it, but just sent me a text asking me why i was doing it. I just told him to forget about it. We now talk maybe once a week or every two weeks. He randomly texts me and just says hi. or randomly says i miss you or i want to see you. but then he says that he's nervous to see me because he's afraid of what will happen. He initiates conversations all the time, then when i respond, he ignores me. He asked me to hang out last weekend. When i said yes, he stopped responding. Why does he do that? I don't get it at all. He got me to like him, to tell me not to. He got me to have sex with him, and then got a girlfriend. And he keeps saying i miss you and asking me to hang out, and then ignores me when i respond. I cry everytime I think of it because i care so much about him and it kills me that feelings arent the same. i know my relationship problems may have scared him away because they would have scared me away also. i am a loss of what im supposed to think or do. i have tons of school work, which is so hard to focus on because I cannot even think straight.

 

In the past few months, my ex has followed me to my apt, thrown my cell phone into the ground, broken into my apt and waited for me to come home. My friend called the cops and it went nowhere. He's told me he has no care for his own life and will do anything to 'get me back again'

 

This is so draining. I feel like i have 0 confidence, and i will do anything to get back on my feet. I appreciate any advice and thank you for those who took time to read about my disastrous love life.

[katelyn7]

no one can reply? i'm that hopeless?

[OrdealByFire]

Alright, it sounds like. First of all, you can't be in a situation where you're with a guy that does drugs. You can't do that. You need to call the police, get a restraining order, - although that often times does more harm than good - move, or do something about that, but you can't be with that guy anymore.

 

As far as 'Kevin' goes, and most guys, a lot of them will BS you just to get you into bed. Unfortunate, but true. Seems to me that's what he has done to you.

 

Best of luck, but you can pull through. You just need to literally force yourself, or have your friends force you, into going out and meeting someone else.

Edited July 25, 2010 by OrdealByFire

[DontWorryBHappy]

He has broken into your apartment?????????

 

Um.... my god. I would be scared for my life. I just read a story about a girl who's ex ended up shooting her in the face after exhibiting this same type of stalking behavior. You need to understand that a person who will follow someone home and BREAK INTO THEIR HOME is off his rocker. He openly admitted that he doesnt care about himself and only wants to get you back. What happens when he realizes he cant get you back one day and decided if HE cant have you, no one else can? And then he comes for your life. Seriously.... watch yourself carefully....

[gamma1]

I'd break up and cut off all contact.

 

Tell your friends and family that you need to get out of the relationship now. You can talk to them about the best way to break up. You may want to talk to a counselor too, especially if you are having trouble leaving him.

 

He is abusing you and guys like this almost never change for the better and often get worse.

Edited July 25, 2010 by gamma1

[gamma1]

Misread part of your post and didn't realize you already broke up.

 

Tell the people you know and trust. Don't go through this alone.

Edited July 25, 2010 by gamma1

[Rifareal]

First of all you need not to entertain either of the two guys they both don't deserved you. Leave your apartment and get back to your senses. Change number and don't ever try to contact them again. Life is short make the most out of it. Better to be single than have that type of guys in your life.