MM has W, Me and OW

[blizzard]

I just found this out today.

I haven't told much of my story on LS. It's been a few months now since he suddenly ended us and it is still a hurtful place. I have trouble "going there."

I am/was seperated. Didn't want anything but a friendship b/c MM was an old friend and I was going through a tough time. He pursued me for a year. Falling in love with me, begging me to trust him with my heart. He went from a down spiral marriage ...to days from moving out and divorcing... and the I love you's during intimate moments...you get it. Naive, I fell for it. He was an old friend I felt like I could trust him. Nearly two years later...his W finds out through an email about us. I get a stupid sentence long email from him that they are working on their marriage. I'm history. Under the bus. I could instantly tell it was coached. I call him b/c I want closure. His story: He swears to his W that we only had a brief EA. Few lunch meetings here and there. Nothing else. He doesn't mention it was PA nor the I love yous. This is to protect me might I add. HA. His wife emails me a few weeks later. Simply wants to know how long "I" have been iming her husband. I wanted to reply. But, I felt the email was pointing a finger at me...and not her husband. As if he were a victim of me. I didn't think she was ready for my truth. And honestly, I wondered if she ever would be. So, I repected their decision on rebuilding their marriage. I have had NC. Fast forward. Two months later. During an arguement over lunch, my stbx says MM has OW. And had one all along. He wasn't just seeing me. So once he was caught with me by W, he dropped me, did damage control, and kept seeing his other side kick.

I never would have thought this of MM. I swear. And it scares me. I wonder if he is sociopathic b/c of how convincing he was. Especially promises. When I didn't even ask them to be promised. And the future. Like when he suggested a vacation with me and my kids. ???? Ohhh. Don't let me get started on how much his mom and teen son are going to fall in love with me. And how he could spend hours talking about me meeting them. I know his entire family tree. All of his and their history. What our holidays will be like...together...all of us. A little unnerving. Are most MM sociopathic? Do they profess that they are going to tell this and this person about you...but make up excuses later why they didn't? GEEESH! And you didn't even ask them to!!? But he said he loved me...forever.

This MM said he had to divorce the right way. Maintain a divorce-friendly relationship with her so she couldn't financially destroy him. He said if she found out about us it would be really bad for him. He also said she agreed to divorce. And wanted to be friends. Who the hell does that!?

Now, should I tell his W...because this is proposterous. Here she is saving a marriage based on a "lie" of one affair...while he is still seeing another woman. I just don't have sound proof of this other woman. Stbx seemed pretty convincing with some things he knows...saying they workout together and etc. But, stbx has reasons to nail this guy. At lunch he told me that his sources say the other woman knows everything. And she is going to tell MM wife. What do you guys think?

[bentnotbroken]

I think you missed your chance to be honest. Leave her alone. I normally say tell, but when you were faced with the truth, you chose the lie....maybe it wasn't her who wasn't ready for the truth.

[sadintexas]

My first thought is odds are she is keeping a pretty close watch on this guy.

 

You have to follow your heart. Some will argue that motivation has nothing to do with exposing the A to the BS, but for me personally, I would have to know that I wasn't doing it for revenge. I would feel worse about myself if I took that path.

 

If you do decide to expose, you have to be honest with her about your A with him. Tell her what happened. Those are the only facts you have and gives her good information to go from. If she's not keeping a close watch on him now, I suspect she will after she's heard your side. This other A will come to light on its own if that's the case.

[White Flower]

I think you missed your chance to be honest. Leave her alone. I normally say tell, but when you were faced with the truth, you chose the lie....maybe it wasn't her who wasn't ready for the truth.

Well Bent, she didn't really lie, she just didn't reply to the email.

 

blizzard, go with your gut. I have been in your position before and I held back--there were just TOO MANY to tell about and I couldn't hit her with all that. Her whole life was a lie, not just xx amount of months/years.

 

I still wonder if that was the right thing to do. One day, I'm sure I'll have the answer.

[pureinheart]

I think you missed your chance to be honest. Leave her alone. I normally say tell, but when you were faced with the truth, you chose the lie....maybe it wasn't her who wasn't ready for the truth.

 

Sorry OP, I didn't read your entire post, will come back when I have clearer thinking...saw BNB's reply and wanted to make a quick comment/observation.

 

The truth, being ready to give/receive is still something I'm pondering...for me at times it's easier to give it than receive it...I don't receive truth well in areas that I have chosen to, especially with romantic R's...

 

This is why the jury is still out on telling the BS where friends and family are concerned...I say definitely not if you are the AP because there is a point of disbelief even with those you trust. I could be extremely wrong and like I said still trying to figure out some things...interesting there are points we think we do have it, or most of it figured out then we find we have absolutely nothing figured out:eek:....

[cavedweller]

blizzard,

 

To hell with all of the drama...

 

Hold your head up high and walk away..

 

They want it, let them have it..........

 

Today start with 100% no contact....

 

my 2 cents

[blizzard]

I don't think I missed my chance with being honest with her. Her email seemed brief, territorial...like "come in to my lair" so I can shred you into a million pieces for cohercing my husband to have an affair. Bob did tell me that she wanted to ruin my life. How long have "you" been iming "Bob." It's doubtful she would have believed me. She has a spitfire personality when she's mad. And Bob, receiving great liar of the year award, would have denied everything I said.

I don't know. Maybe I did the wrong thing. I did what I felt was right at the moment. Which was walk away. And allow them to work on their marriage. She hasn't emailed me since.

I'm not sure how well she is watching him. I wonder if she thinks the worst is over. Like the cat has caught the mouse. And now it's time to work on what's left. And to keep him the hell away from "me." He is a pretty damn convincing liar. Sociopathic.

I just considered dropping her an anonymous email. Very brief...1-2 sentences. Warning her that it is not safe to let her guard down. Do some checking around. That he isn't being honest.

But then, I think of what cavedweller posted.

And cavedweller...I think you are onto something. And I am so tired of weighing outcomes.

If I were her, I would have just left his a**. There is no lesser/greater form of cheating. It is what it is. He had an affair during his first marriage. Wouldn't that have clearly been enough reason to boot him now? Ahhh. But he is sociopathic I swear. A real charmer. The best.

Isn't it true...the bs eventually finds out the truth? The truth always comes out somehow...

Edited July 25, 2010 by blizzard

[blizzard]

BTW Cavedweller...started 2 months ago...100% NC.

[NoIDidn't]

I disagree that she was pointing a finger only at you for the affair. She is clearly still very angry about it. And, if he's still got an OW, he's still acting suspicious and she wants some facts.

 

She's angry at you and at him, so she worded the email harshly. How would you have reacted had you found out about the OOW first before she found out about the A? I think you would have come off as territorial towards the OOW if you confronted her about her involvement with MM as well.

[cavedweller]

blizzard,

 

1..He is riding his wife.

2,,He is riding the other woman..

3..He is riding you..

 

Good Lord..Go 100% No Contact and get out...

[jj33]

Blizzard youve gotten good advice.

 

Sometimes closing the book and never looking back is the only way to go.

 

Just lock it in the past. Their drama will contiue. Yours neednt.

 

Take good care

 

jj

[Woman In Blue]

Quite honestly, I get the feeling that the first time you had the opportunity to tell the wife the TRUTH, when she wrote to you asking you how long you'd been "Im'ing" with her husband, you chose NOT to tell her because you still had a small hope that he'd come back to you. I think that's the REAL reason you didn't want to tell her the truth about the affair when she asked - not because you wanted to "respect their reconciliation efforts" as you claim. I think you saw it as closing the door for good to your MM if you told her everything, so you held off and kept quiet.

 

But now that you find out that YOU'VE been played just as much as his wife, and that this worthless loser isn't sitting at home crying into his beer because he's lost you, you suddenly have this burning need to be altruistic and tell the "poor" wife about how she's rebuilding her marriage on a lie. You thought it was ok for her to rebuild it on the lie of YOUR affair with him, but now suddenly it's not ok because the affair is with someone else?

 

Call a spade a spade. You had the opportunity to be honest but didn't out of fear of losing him for good. Now that you know he doesn't want you and won't be coming back to you because he has yet another OW, you suddenly want to tell the wife the horrible truth about her loser husband.

 

I think ALL wives should be given the truth so THEY can decide how they'd like to handle it. But you never gave a HOOT about how your affair was affecting her life when it was benefitting YOU, so why are you suddenly so concerned about her now?

 

You're completely transparent but that doesn't make the truth any less important to his wife. I'd tell her, but drop the phoney altruistic reasoning as to why.

[Hazyhead]

Sheesh... you dodged a bullet (regarding your relationship with him anyway). The wife should know, regardless of your motivation for telling. When you do though, Blizzard, keep as much distance as you can and keep

moving forward; you do not want to be pulled back in.

[cavedweller]

blizzard,

 

I hate to break this to you, but, you mean nothing to him..

 

He is only into you for the sex..

 

Want proof?

 

Cut him off and watch him run...

[blizzard]

I can't say I wanted him back. (If I wanted anything at the time, it was answers. Like what was the "purpose" of lying to me at the extent that you did). What many fail to realize in an affair is that the OP does take resident in your heart. You love and care about them too...like the BS. But it doesn't always mean that you want them in your life again. And yes, it is hard to let go. Not to mention that you are grieving alone. And it is grieving. I felt like I had just lost my best friend in a car accident. Never to see him again. A friend I spoke with on a daily basis. And it is difficult to just make a decision that is going to hurt everyone full circle. And my hearts way of dealing with it was to shut down. And let time heal. You can't judge someone because they are not on the same time table as someone else. And like the spouse must be feeling, he wasn't the man I thought he was either. You feel naked. Exposed. Victimized by men like him. That's the pain I feel. Yeah I miss him. But what hurts is what he has taken from me. He's a thief. And I am smarter. I am educated ...just naive and at a low spot in my life. I have been with the same man for 16yrs and struggling with divorce. He preyed on that. And I'm no mother theresa I know. But over a period of time he bashed his wife, their marriage...and waved a flag of divorce in front of me. Said he even had a lease ready to sign. He discussed furniture. Paint. Buying a mattress from her mother that she was selling. Discussed great detail of how he was going to make the apartment "his place." Even had room in mind for his kid...and mine.

 

I am stronger now. No contact since first day of June. I don't wilt at things that reminds me of him. I didn't want him back then. And I don't want him back now. He has serious issues. As I have said, I haven't met a liar of such in my life. And who wants to be seconds...to liar at that?

I wanted to tell her now because I see it could be a cycle. He may be a serial cheater. I have no personal gain in this. I'm not angry. Just done.

I don't have "proof" of this OW. So I feel like I would be stirring a hornets nest on just good faith and nothing concrete. Is that the right thing to do?

And if it's just good faith, then one must believe he will eventually get caught. She will find out.

[blizzard]

cavedweller... I don't have to cut him off. I'm not seeing him. I haven't in quite some time now.

[blizzard]

BTW Cavedweller...started 2 months ago...100% NC.

 

NC started two months ago.

[blizzard]

Quite honestly, I get the feeling that the first time you had the opportunity to tell the wife the TRUTH, when she wrote to you asking you how long you'd been "Im'ing" with her husband, you chose NOT to tell her because you still had a small hope that he'd come back to you. I think that's the REAL reason you didn't want to tell her the truth about the affair when she asked - not because you wanted to "respect their reconciliation efforts" as you claim. I think you saw it as closing the door for good to your MM if you told her everything, so you held off and kept quiet.

 

I didn't close the door for good...he did when he got caught. And I respected that. And I want to keep it that way...but would I be if I intervene?

 

But now that you find out that YOU'VE been played just as much as his wife, and that this worthless loser isn't sitting at home crying into his beer because he's lost you, you suddenly have this burning need to be altruistic and tell the "poor" wife about how she's rebuilding her marriage on a lie. You thought it was ok for her to rebuild it on the lie of YOUR affair with him, but now suddenly it's not ok because the affair is with someone else?

 

She wants to save marriage since the affair came to light. And he said he wanted to do the same. I gave benefit of the doubt...and let them be. Now, that they aren't divorcing (like he said they were) and she is wanting to make a go of it and working on deep rooted issues... he still sits back and lies his a** off so hell yeah it is not okay. A marriage was dissolving when we were seeing each other (so I was led to believe) not rekindling...being saved. Big difference.

 

Call a spade a spade. You had the opportunity to be honest but didn't out of fear of losing him for good. Now that you know he doesn't want you and won't be coming back to you because he has yet another OW, you suddenly want to tell the wife the horrible truth about her loser husband.

 

I'm not a doormat kind of girl. And I have never been thrown under a bus persay. But, once I am hurt. I am done. Yes, he doesn't want me (thank god). I am not going to chase someone that didn't chose me or want me. He's not the only man in this universe. He's not just a loser now. He is a "double" loser in my eyes.

 

I think ALL wives should be given the truth so THEY can decide how they'd like to handle it. But you never gave a HOOT about how your affair was affecting her life when it was benefitting YOU, so why are you suddenly so concerned about her now?

 

hm. he said they were divorcing. he told me she agreed to divorce and thought it was best. that they no longer were in love and had grown apart. he discussed with me what assests she wanted in the divorce and the way she thought it was best to file. she wanted to file without using lawyer to save as much money as possible. I was with him when he looked into the house appraisal and did a check on his credit. he said he had told his family that they were divorcing. and hers. pointed out how this would be there last holiday together. how it would be his last sons visit with her family this past Christmas. he was pretty damned convincing. no one was benefitting at this time in my eyes. he swore his marriage was over. and so was mine. no one was in a happy place. And maybe you are right. Maybe she should know the real story about us. This is what I gravel with everyday. Am I doing the right thing if I tell...I would love to hear from other BSes point of view...if it was good move or bad. Would anonymous be better or worse? I just don't know. Thats why I am here.

 

 

You're completely transparent but that doesn't make the truth any less important to his wife. I'd tell her, but drop the phoney altruistic reasoning as to why.

Not being phoney. I didn't want him back. Still don't. I feel sorry for the OW if there is one. He is feeding her the same line of crap. And I feel awfully sorry for his wife to be saving a marriage with a serial cheater.

 

sorry about the format on how i replied to your quotes from above...

Edited July 25, 2010 by blizzard