Saving a precious relationship...despite being hurt

July 24, 2010

Am at a point where DH has told me he hates the thought of having sex with me because I have put on weight. He doesn't like to go out with me on holidays coz he says he wants me to be in a slinky piece which won't look good on me. Nor does he like to have snaps taken with me due to this. Says he feels cheated(?) beacause he thought I would lose weight when we were dating, but has only gained since then.

We have known each other since 1998 when we met in medical school. I was a very popular girl and had quite a few guys wanting to propose me. However, I fell in love with DH and he seemed to know this for sometime before he proposed. I have a feeling he was kinda into another friend of ours but proposed to me coz it suited his ego( popular girl in love with me?!). It seems to me( looking back) he has never into my type of personality or body type and proposed because he knew I would not say no. He has since then tried to change me into a different person than what I am and is increasingly getting frustrated. He says he loves me and is not cheating and I know he is not.

We married in 2006 have a 15 month old boy now. I have put on weight around pregnancy and breastfeeding, but have also shed most of it. I do think I have gained at least 10kgs (1 1/2 stone) over last 10 years but the way he syas things hurt a lot. He has mentioned many times how he 'feels trapped' by getting married, by having a baby( although he is a good dad) and that he is getting older without having fun.

I think he is trying make me fit a particular 'type' he has in mind..skinny, someone he can lift and do jumps etc... for that matter he is a very skinny guy himself and looks younger than his age (32)..almost boyish...

I want to have sex but I am put off by the disgusted look he has when he looks at me. Does a lot for my self esteem !!! I feel so tense whenever I am around him because he criticizes almost everything I do.. whether childrearing, holiday planning, serials I watch, studying, doing MSc..

I personally feel I am not bad looking... yes, I would look smashing if I lose weight and am trying my best. I know I can and would lose weight as I have usually been able to reach my goals once I set them. But in the meantime, i can't talk to him or look him into the eye knowing how he hates me... this is creating a lot of tension between us and at the moent we are hardly communicating since two weeks.

I don't know whether he would improve once I have lost weight... he might just pick up another thing to criticize me..we shall see. This relationship has been very precious to me ( despite being a very controlling one) and I would do this effort to save it... if it doesn't work.. well I am an educated person and am not going to be clingy ..

July 24, 2010

Do not allow him to treat you this way that is wrong for him to make you feel bad about your self.You gained weight having his child and since when does weight determine who you are.He sounds self centered and shows no respect for you.Try going to counseling and if he does not change don't stick around for the abuse.Im sorry but he sounds like a jerk good luck and big hugs!

July 24, 2010

the weight you can lose.... but can he lose his ego and superiority complex? Why can some men get away with murder and we women try to justify the behavior? I'm not in any better of a situation right now and all I can think of is I have to find a way to forgive him....but would he forgive me?

July 24, 2010

Why do women think its cool to gain tons of weight after they get a commitment from the guy? Furthermore why do women think that said weight gain should have zero affect on how attracted to them the man is?

July 24, 2010

I don't think the problem is your weight. You've been losing it and any man would be pleased with that. I think he's looking for reasons to criticize and belittle you because he feels trapped by the marriage and the baby as you mentioned that he said in your post.

Why do women think its cool to gain tons of weight after they get a commitment from the guy? Furthermore why do women think that said weight gain should have zero affect on how attracted to them the man is?

Why do men insist on getting bald, wrinkly, and getting pot bellies when they are older? Not to mention the hair they start growing out of their ears and other places? And they expect us to actually be attracted to them? Because there's surgeries and diets and treatments and things you can do to get rid of any of those things. Every married man I see who has any of these traits has no excuse for it.

(P.S. I don't mean any of this. I'm just making a point about your post.)

July 25, 2010

Am at a point where DH has told me he hates the thought of having sex with me because I have put on weight. He doesn't like to go out with me on holidays coz he says he wants me to be in a slinky piece which won't look good on me. Nor does he like to have snaps taken with me due to this. Says he feels cheated(?) beacause he thought I would lose weight when we were dating, but has only gained since then.
We have known each other since 1998 when we met in medical school. I was a very popular girl and had quite a few guys wanting to propose me. However, I fell in love with DH and he seemed to know this for sometime before he proposed. I have a feeling he was kinda into another friend of ours but proposed to me coz it suited his ego( popular girl in love with me?!). It seems to me( looking back) he has never into my type of personality or body type and proposed because he knew I would not say no. He has since then tried to change me into a different person than what I am and is increasingly getting frustrated. He says he loves me and is not cheating and I know he is not.
We married in 2006 have a 15 month old boy now. I have put on weight around pregnancy and breastfeeding, but have also shed most of it. I do think I have gained at least 10kgs (1 1/2 stone) over last 10 years but the way he syas things hurt a lot. He has mentioned many times how he 'feels trapped' by getting married, by having a baby( although he is a good dad) and that he is getting older without having fun.
I think he is trying make me fit a particular 'type' he has in mind..skinny, someone he can lift and do jumps etc... for that matter he is a very skinny guy himself and looks younger than his age (32)..almost boyish...
I want to have sex but I am put off by the disgusted look he has when he looks at me. Does a lot for my self esteem !!! I feel so tense whenever I am around him because he criticizes almost everything I do.. whether childrearing, holiday planning, serials I watch, studying, doing MSc..
I personally feel I am not bad looking... yes, I would look smashing if I lose weight and am trying my best. I know I can and would lose weight as I have usually been able to reach my goals once I set them. But in the meantime, i can't talk to him or look him into the eye knowing how he hates me... this is creating a lot of tension between us and at the moent we are hardly communicating since two weeks.
I don't know whether he would improve once I have lost weight... he might just pick up another thing to criticize me..we shall see. This relationship has been very precious to me ( despite being a very controlling one) and I would do this effort to save it... if it doesn't work.. well I am an educated person and am not going to be clingy ..

Marriedto-

I could have written this about 6yrs ago. Whoa! My head is spinning. My exH treated me just like this. Want to know why? He was having an A and this was his way to justify his hidden agenda. It made him feel better to down me. I am not saying that this is your situation though. I know exactly how you feel and how when you look in the mirror you no longer see YOU but see the person that your H complaints about. I am not in your home to know what goes on but be careful as this can turn into mental abuse. I know that we say that we are way to educated, independent, etc, to endure such abuse but you wont realize it till you are sitting on the fainting couch.

I gained 89 lbs with my son because I was on bedrest. I went from 110 lbs to 199 lbs at 5'2. It was hard and he used it against me, yet he has a beautiful son. Now, I am 120 lbs and I look smoking hot! He is stuck with the trash he cheated on me with and can only admire from far. Now when he sees me, he says "Whoa?! where you going looking like that? YOU look gorgeous" REALLY?? But you know why? Because I FEEL GORGEOUS and I AM GORGEOUS!

If you want send me a private message and I can tell you about a great healthy weight loss system that I used.

Don't let your H destroy your internal light, honey.

July 25, 2010

Why do women think its cool to gain tons of weight after they get a commitment from the guy? Furthermore why do women think that said weight gain should have zero affect on how attracted to them the man is?

Twenty pounds is not "tons of weight," especially after pregnancy. She can lose it, but she should lose the husband too.

July 25, 2010

Look, I understand that weight gain can be a turnoff and don't think that women's arguments about "loving the inner me" are entirely realistic. It CAN turn guys off and you can't really call them a**holes for this reaction.

You CAN call them an a**hole if they are verbally/emotionally abusive, though.

I don't know the whole story but from what you wrote, I see a portrait of a man who married you because you were a "good get" and now resents you for having "trapped him". It sounds like he has narcissistic tendencies and it is all about his image and his needs. And I think his abuse is a mixture of resentment for feeling trapped and you not meeting his requirements, and guilt for having that resentment. He puts you down because it justifies his resentment.

He makes it about the weight and that is probably partly true. He wants his wife to look good on his arm because he has this grandiose notion of what wife he deserves, he wants to "impress" people, etc.

But from what you have written I doubt that losing all the weight would change much. It might in the very short-term but I suspect that the "big issue" would become something else pretty quickly. This is because he has already stated what the big issue really is, the weight is just his way of making it entirely your fault.

The big issue is that he does feel trapped, getting older and having no fun, blah blah blah.

I think your best move is to give him less control and attention. No DON'T be clingy and apologetic. When he criticizes you, ... there's the door, I love you but I don't deserve to be talked to like that and I will be happy to listen when you are ready to adopt a civil, respectful tone.

You can tell him you are sensitive to his feelings about the weight issue but would expect that as your husband he would encourage and applaud your efforts rather than berate you for not getting it done fast enough.

Guys like this are so happy to trash you, and pummel your self-esteem but they tend to rethink things when they see that your self-esteem is intact...often they start to fear being left! I am not saying this will work in the long run, he might really just WANT out, but in my experience the last thing you want to do is show low self-esteem by buying into his bull****.

Hanging on to your self-esteem is not just good for the marriage, but the best you can do for yourself as well.

July 25, 2010

Having said all of the above, I would also say that on the surface I don't think HE sounds like a "good get" and you might be better off without him...but I am married to a similar man and I am still here so I do understand why you want so much to make it work.

July 25, 2010

Why do men insist on getting bald, wrinkly, and getting pot bellies when they are older? Not to mention the hair they start growing out of their ears and other places? And they expect us to actually be attracted to them? Because there's surgeries and diets and treatments and things you can do to get rid of any of those things. Every married man I see who has any of these traits has no excuse for it.

(P.S. I don't mean any of this. I'm just making a point about your post.)

But its true for men too. Women dont STAY attracted to a guy who decides its ok to get a beer belly when she met him with a six pack. As far as hair goes... well, men can shave it where its NOT supposed to be and shave it where it isnt anymore(bald looks way better than balding)

July 25, 2010

But its true for men too. Women dont STAY attracted to a guy who decides its ok to get a beer belly when she met him with a six pack. As far as hair goes... well, men can shave it where its NOT supposed to be and shave it where it isnt anymore(bald looks way better than balding)

And I think those women are as immature as the men who do the same thing.

I know people keep saying that they can understand someone losing all their attraction for someone else because of a change in appearance, but I can't and I would never do this. I expect the same thing out of a partner. It doesn't mean I'm going to try to be purposefully ugly or fat, it just means I hope they aren't that shallow because someday (I don't want to risk my life with surgeries), I'm going to be ugly and I hope they are still there.

And are all men supposed to get botox and facelifts for the wrinkles, too?

July 25, 2010

EG... You are trying to take this to extremes when it doesnt need to be. People get old... Im not saying that getting old is unacceptable. What is bad is when people stop caring about how they look. The difference between growing old and ugly and just growing old is a small amount of effort. People DONT need to gain fat as they get older. Peoples hair will change and so will their skin and eventually they will simply be unattractive. Too many people seem to think that their partners should find them attractive no matter what they look like and that is simply NOT how it works. Eventually they will not be sexually attracted to them anymore, but with a little effort that point can be delayed a long time. What pisses me off is people who dont think they should put in the effort to delay that from happening.

And are all men supposed to get botox and facelifts for the wrinkles, too?

Did somebody suggest that or are you just being crazy?

July 25, 2010

Did somebody suggest that or are you just being crazy?

No, I listed wrinkles as one of the ways men get "uglier" and you didn't address it.

I can see your point to a degree (even though I don't view the world this way), but I still don't get why this is important to people and especially taking into consideration that the person who posted this thread had a baby, has been losing the weight, and that's very different from someone gaining weight just for the heck of it. Yet you posted all this in her thread.

Edited July 25, 2010 by Enchanted Girl

July 25, 2010

The right man, someone who loves you won't pull this kind of stunt. If I were you, I'd get buff and ditch the loser.

July 25, 2010

EG... You are trying to take this to extremes when it doesnt need to be. People get old... Im not saying that getting old is unacceptable. What is bad is when people stop caring about how they look. The difference between growing old and ugly and just growing old is a small amount of effort. People DONT need to gain fat as they get older. Peoples hair will change and so will their skin and eventually they will simply be unattractive. Too many people seem to think that their partners should find them attractive no matter what they look like and that is simply NOT how it works. Eventually they will not be sexually attracted to them anymore, but with a little effort that point can be delayed a long time. What pisses me off is people who dont think they should put in the effort to delay that from happening.

Did somebody suggest that or are you just being crazy?

Attraction should have more to do with than just looks...the outer appearance is it what draws you to someone what keeps you their is the substance... and yes people will change in appearance as time goes on and I don't think the OP is saying that it's ok for her to gain weight she is working on losing it... so why is it ok for men to discount the efforts and just focus on the appearance? Are all skinny women pretty? If a woman is skinny but has not flattering features is that ok? What is she supposed to do? Is that her fault?

(feel free to replace the she's with he's this is not gender specific it's just to make a point...)

If you are that superficial then you should never be in a monagomous relationship.. you should just trade in the old for the new.

July 25, 2010

EG... You are trying to take this to extremes when it doesnt need to be. People get old... Im not saying that getting old is unacceptable. What is bad is when people stop caring about how they look. The difference between growing old and ugly and just growing old is a small amount of effort. People DONT need to gain fat as they get older. Peoples hair will change and so will their skin and eventually they will simply be unattractive. Too many people seem to think that their partners should find them attractive no matter what they look like and that is simply NOT how it works. Eventually they will not be sexually attracted to them anymore, but with a little effort that point can be delayed a long time. What pisses me off is people who dont think they should put in the effort to delay that from happening.

Did somebody suggest that or are you just being crazy?

A 10kg gain after pregnancy and 10 years is totally unacceptable and a perfectly fine reason for her H to treat her in this manner, right??? :rolleyes:

July 25, 2010

If your libido wilts in the face of a roll of fat, that is somewhat involuntary.

If you berate and insult someone for having a roll of fat, that is entirely voluntary.

If you really love someone, and know their libido wilts in the face of a roll of fat, it is in your own best interests to try to lose that roll of fat.

If you really love someone, and are put off by their roll of fat, you will not berate and insult them for having it. You will try to work on yourself to not be so turned off by it (this can be done, to varying degrees), remembering that this is a human whose feelings you care about, and on encouraging them in their efforts to look their best and show they care about your feelings, too.

I think that in the very long term when true intimacy is well established these types of factors do become less important. But true intimacy is a process, not a given, and we should neither beat ourselves up nor beat up others for failing to automatically be at that fully accepting depth of feeling.

He is the big issue here, don't get me wrong...in the end the issue is not her weight (which really is not excessive in the scenario) but his narcissism IMHO.

But, I also don't buy this pie in the sky argument that the day you get married you are supposed to find anything and everything about your spouse enchanting and sexy forevermore. It's just not realistic. To get to that level takes communication, selflessness and a much deeper mutual understanding than most people have on their wedding day.

And I think it fails to ever happen at least as often as it does. Why else are we all here?

July 25, 2010

A 10kg gain after pregnancy and 10 years is totally unacceptable and a perfectly fine reason for her H to treat her in this manner, right??? :rolleyes:

Yea, seriously. =/ Really fit celebrities usually gain about this much weight on average during a pregnancy and have to work really, really hard to lose it as fast as possible.

It's pretty much impossible to not gain weight while pregnant and you can't lose that weight in a day.

July 25, 2010

Look, I understand that weight gain can be a turnoff and don't think that women's arguments about "loving the inner me" are entirely realistic. It CAN turn guys off and you can't really call them a**holes for this reaction.

You CAN call them an a**hole if they are verbally/emotionally abusive, though.

I agree with this sentiment.

July 26, 2010

Here's my story. I had a baby four months ago. I gained close to forty pounds during pregnancy. I ate very well and exercised up until the last few weeks. Twenty pounds of the weight gain were gone a week after the birth, so I was still carrying an extra twenty, close to the same as you, OP. I needed that extra weight, however, because I am breastfeeding. I'm now ten pounds away from where I was with no change in diet or exercise, and I'm actually trying to slow the weight loss down since I plan to breastfeed for another six months.

My husband has told me, all during the pregnancy and afterward, that I am beautiful and that he loves my body. He's been very supportive since of course I'm not exactly ecstatic about the weight. I can't imagine him telling me that I turn him off, refusing to have sex with me, not taking pictures of me, not wanting to be seen with me and telling me that he feels cheated and looking disgusted. He would be out the door if he behaved in that manner. I certainly wouldn't want to lose weight for him if he treated me like that! But he doesn't treat me that way because he loves me. If he's at all unhappy with my weight, he keeps it to himself, as well he should. Criticism would undermine my desire to keep losing weight. Your son is only 15 months old and you said you have lost most of the weight -- your husband should be encouraging you, not sabotaging you, chipping away at your self-esteem. He's being verbally abusive.

I think that you are right and if you lost the weight, it would just be something else. What I find most worrying about your post is this:

However, I fell in love with DH and he seemed to know this for sometime before he proposed. I have a feeling he was kinda into another friend of ours but proposed to me coz it suited his ego( popular girl in love with me?!). It seems to me( looking back) he has never into my type of personality or body type and proposed because he knew I would not say no. He has since then tried to change me into a different person than what I am and is increasingly getting frustrated.

Do you think that he truly loves you? Or were you just a status symbol?

July 26, 2010

You're educated enough to know if you are too fat for your own health (weight is not the problem, too much fat is).

This doctor clearly explains how fat is stored on our bodies and how to control it easily by avoiding certain foods. Do this for your own health:

http://www.paleonu.com/get-started/

As for the husband? This guy needs a wake up call, he needs to be kicked in the head--hard. You two should separate so he can see what life is really like without you. If you try this you have to be ready for two things: That he doesn't straighten up and try to come back (unlikely) and that you might not want him back once you get clear of him for a while.

July 26, 2010

I dont approve of his way of getting his point through, since it's affecting your emotions, but in a way I understand his point. I use to think many years ago that whoever loves me should love me for who I am and how I look. Life has taught me that although in a perfect world this is true, but my friend, in a man's head (most of them specially if they are slim or fit) --- in real life - not true.

Get yourself up, get motivated, pay attention to yourself, do your part, and talk to people that will help you give your self-esteem a lift (friends,etc.). At the end it's for yourself not for him. It will improve your sex life and best of all --- your have the power over yourself. Meanwhile dont accept anyone to treat you any less. Have a serious talk with --- don't be the victim! Don't let him see your weakness, empower yourself and have a serious heart to heart talk with him about how he is choicing to treat you and be firm and strong when you talk. Love is not easy when it comes down to it. Pray, pray with faith. If there's love in his heart for you then all will work out.

July 28, 2010

Hi! Thank you all for your replies! Following my the showdown with DH, I posted this and couldn't sleep the whole night. Also managed to smash my nokia to pieces..felt good. But I can either be destructive or constructive about the whole situation..... So, I texted (got a brand new htc desire two days later) DH that I feel cheated too- that he took advantage of my feelings towards him and 'TRAPPED' me in this unfair situation... I texted that it's not fair on myself to be in this situation where I am being given all sorts of crap.

Next year DH and myself + baby were planning to go abroad for a fellowship (for a year)...I also said to him he needs to go there on his own if he feels that trapped with us. In my mind I am doing the calculations if things do come to a head. I don't want to lose this relationship as i love this jerk!

What I have decided is to lose weight and already am working hard towards it... hope to reach my goal by early november..I weigh 160lbs now (height 5ft 4 inches) and hopefully would be 132lbs by then. Wish me luck..

I am really doing it for myself, for my self esteem and for my future sanity... If I look back in 5 years time, I don't want to feel that I gave up too soon. I would know if things went wrong it wasn't because I didn't try!

Losing weight would benefit me in the long run... If things do go wrong even after losing weight, then at least I would be in a shape to start afresh!!!

It is entirely possible that after this whole exercise .. i am not only a changed person from outside but also from inside....

July 28, 2010

About DH, i do think he is a little boy who has never grown up... also a bit narcissitic like someone mentioned. He wants things his way and if it does not happen, he tends to go on grumbling and creating tension until he finds something else to be grumpy about.

He is a good father, if a little impatient.

After the texts, I think he did some rethinking and is nowadays making plans for the whole family to go abroad rather than just him.... I still think I would not go if things remain this way and I feel unloved like this!!

August 2, 2010

It's interesting to read this as I just put my Wife in this situation. Basically told her that I didn't love her for numerous reasons but, one of them was weight gain. But there were other things like not helping around the house, sitting on the laptop, watching TV, not doing laundry, etc.

It finally snowballed into me finally telling her that I don't lover her anymore and want out.

She said she was going to change and get better but, historically I know she says that and may change for 2-3 months and then revert back to little miss Lazy.

It's not so much that guys get pissed off at the weight but, usually there is some form of laziness underlying in there as well. Or at least in my case there is. I will admit that I'm no prize but, I do try and make myself as attractive as I can for her even if I'm thinning a little on top but, I'm stilll way thinner than she will ever be!

Anyways, glad that your trying to make it work, I'm just not sure I have the patience to wait any longer...

(sits back at waits to get flamed, I'm sure I'll get hell for this post)

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