Reptiley Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 I've been with my partner for two years, we're both in love and want to get married someday. I'm very happy with this man and really want to make it work. There's a tiny niggle that I've had since the beginning of the relationship however- I'm not his 'first choice' physically. He likes skinny, young looking women. I'm curvaceous, although perfectly healthy and have naturally large boobs and bum. He likes petite women. I have straight dark hair. He likes ginger curly hair. He has mentioned a threesome with this type of woman, which I would not be up for at all considering it's just to get access to this body type, and has nothing to do with our pleasure and relationship. I know he gets his fix for the type of woman he wants through porn. Although this does hurt me, I keep quiet since I don't want to deny his fun or stop what he does in private. I recently found out through a friend that, on a hen night (it was men and women), he had been flirting with this woman he has a crush on and my friend overheard him later mention to his male friend that he wanted to pursue her for sex and possibly end our relationship. I confronted him and he said he was feeling 'weird' that day because he hadn't masturbated in a while and because this woman was there. He apologised and said he loved me and still wanted to get married some day. We live together and spend almost all the time together so I feel like he does love me but what was this 'weird' feeling about? It's so hurtful. What happens if he feels like that again?
Argentina Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Hi. I am sorry you are having to go through this. Please don't ignore your gut feeling on this one. I think it is a major warning sign of problems to come and an extremely high chance that he will have an affair and/or affairs down the track. The "weird feeling" he has sounds to me like he is struggling with commitment issues. Wanting to commit, but not really feeling like he is ready. You can love somebody but still have a problem with commitment. Most men (and some women) probably look at porn from time to time, but if this is a regular thing and he is telling you that he prefers the look of other women to the way you look then this is emotionally abusive. And......it is HIS problem not yours. In the first instance you need to decide what you want in the relationship. Are you prepared to play second fiddle to his porn? Are you prepared to have a life partner who has sex with other women? Some people do have open marriages and that is OK providing both people are agreeable. However, I suspect this is not something you would want and therefore I would suggest you both see a relationship counsellor to try to get to the bottom of it. He may be reluctant to go because it might be embarrassing for him to admit how he thinks, but if he truly wants a lifetime commitment with you then he should agree. If he does not agree, then I would urge you to get some counselling on your own to work through what is going on so that you can make an informed decision about your future with this man. Please don't ignore your intuition on this one.
Author Reptiley Posted July 24, 2010 Author Posted July 24, 2010 Thank you, argentina. Id never considered seeing a relationship counsellor before
Author Reptiley Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 Just out of interest, how many men/women on this board want sex with someone outside of their partnership from time to time?
luvstarved Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 RED FLAG FLAPPING WILDLY! Most people don't get their "first choice" physically, there aren't enough beautiful people in the world to go around for that. But most of us do tend to enter into relationships with people who have the basic characteristics of what attracts us. If a guy's type is petite women, he usually ends up dating petite women until he finds one he wants to marry. So I don't get in the first place how this relationship evolved if you are not his physical type. If he has a "thing" for redheads (a group of which I am a member, btw) that are petite (a group of which I am not a member, I'm 5'8"!) then this is not going to go away. People do enter into relationships with people they aren't that physically attracted to for a variety of reasons. Some do because they were flattered by the other person's interest, some do because of some financial or social advantage, some do because through some twisted logic in their heads they don't think they are good enough for what they want, and mama's boys often do it because in some other twisted logic they feel they disrespect mama less by going for a woman who will take less of him away from her. So it happens. But the true interests will still be there and pop up one way or another, as they already have for you. My saying is, that if you ever had it, you can get it back, but if you never had it, you never will. Boredom always sets in but if he's really not attracted to your type, then he might well have never "had it" for you that way and entered into the relationship in spite of it instead of you being a true exception to the rule. This does not bode well. So the first curiosity to me is, why is he with you in the first place if his physical attraction is to petite redheads? Maybe you have the personality that he likes, but he has already proven that this is not enough for him. This is a MAJOR red flag. And I do not think that it is going to go away, it is only going to get worse. Do you think that he would have come to you and volunteered what he said to his male friend if your friend had not overheard it? What else do you imagine he has said or planned that your friend has not overheard? I suppose it is good that he is forthright about his interests, but as he's already asked you to indulge them in ways that you dislike, I believe you can expect him down the road, sooner or later, to indulge them in ways that don't regard your feelings at all. And of course it should go without saying but will mention anyway that none of this has anything to do with any objective sense of attractiveness. You are certainly, as a healthy fit person of a certain body type, plenty of men's physical type...just not this guy's. I would think that would be very hard to live with knowing over a long term...
Author Reptiley Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 I should have mentioned he does find me attractive. He has said on occasion he feels like he's missing out on 'variety'. But his excuse is that he's a man and can't help wanting more than one woman. When he says that, he makes me wish i'd continued dating women!
Summer Breeze Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 I should have mentioned he does find me attractive. He has said on occasion he feels like he's missing out on 'variety'. But his excuse is that he's a man and can't help wanting more than one woman. When he says that, he makes me wish i'd continued dating women! You're not married yet and he's wanting threesomes and you're wishing you'd stayed dating women. He's also using porn and masturbating avidly, from the sounds of it, even though he's in a relationship with you. He had the guts to be honest with you that he told a friend he wanted to pursue someone else but then blamed it on the lack of masturbating. I am so sorry you're in this pickle hun but get out now. All of this and you're not married yet? I know you'll stay right where you are now and you'll do what you need to but make sure you keep some of the comments fresh in your mind. When you start seeing yourself ready to get out of the situation remember all the tidbits we've shared. I wish you the best but have a good idea you're headed for disaster.
Argentina Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I think it is quite normal for people in long term relationships or marriage to be attracted to other people and have the occasional fantasy. Men look at other women and women look at other men. Even if we are not consciously aware of it. It is a problem though if we constantly indulge in these fantasies. I think the problem with your partner is not so much an issue of his attraction to you or his love for you. I think it is a commitment issue and it sounds like he is just not ready to settle down with one person for life. I am glad you are considering the relationship counselling idea. Even counselling for yourself is a good idea so you can really soul search into what you want from a life partner. You should not have to change your morals or values for your partner. At least he is being honest with you and this is not something you are finding out when you have been married for years and have children. I think you have to be very honest with him about how you feel and set clear boundaries about what you think is acceptable in the relationship. If a threesome is not something you would ever consider, then you need to tell him that this idea is completely off the table. Stuff like this happening so early on is a big red flag about what the future holds. He may have some great qualities, but on the issues you are talking about sometimes there just isn't any compromise and it is better to go your separate ways.
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