nokturn Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Hi all, I just wanted to get everyone's 2 cents on the chances of another reconciliation.. after having gotten back together once, and then breaking up a second time. See, I'm in this situation now. FYI, I was the dumpee -- both times. I know it seems silly of me to even be wondering about such a thing, but I was just curious what you guys think, both out of knowledge and experience.. Hoping to get some input!
ngo_ng Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 most people on this forum will tell you to go NC and to forget all about that person. Move on, and grow from this experience and don't look back. Personally, I think they are right, but I also don't believe that there aren't any possibilities to reconcile. I myself have reconciled with my ex 3x before. My mistake was that I had not let enough time for both of us to see the problems and resolve them before coming back together. Leave yourself time and live your life as that person never existed and fix all the little issues that you have and be happy about your life If it's meant to be, you guys will reunite once again but not now, I was told that however long the relationship was, that's the amount of time it takes apart of each other to forgive and forget and then perhaps move on again. I hope this helps. As hard as it is, as long as the reasons for the issues are still there, no hope of reconciliation exists, not in the long term at least.
Not strong enough Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 How about some more info. How long has it been? Why did you guys break up before. Are either of you seeing other people?
threebyfate Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Haven't you had enough pain? Time to walk away with your head held high.
Not strong enough Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Haven't you had enough pain? Time to walk away with your head held high. I'm sick of seeing this, how many relationships that could have actually worked out by everyone on this fourm saying this, you have no information on the situation, maybe both break ups were mistakes, maybe both parties want to return together but they keep getting bad advise, or overthink some matters. For all you know threebyfate maybe they got back together the second time without spending enough time apart to find the root cause of the first break up. They could have been seperated now for only a few weeks or maybe a 1 year, and both parties dont want to talk to each other because people that have turned sour themselves keep telling others to "JUST WALK AWAY". Well in that mind set no one will ever get back together, maybe you shouldnt jump the gun, and get some information on the situation before you start giving out advise. Sometimes it takes a few break ups to get things right. To quote someone else "no one said love would be easy, they said it would be worth it".
threebyfate Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 I'm sick of seeing this, how many relationships that could have actually worked out by everyone on this fourm saying this, you have no information on the situation, maybe both break ups were mistakes, maybe both parties want to return together but they keep getting bad advise, or overthink some matters. For all you know threebyfate maybe they got back together the second time without spending enough time apart to find the root cause of the first break up. They could have been seperated now for only a few weeks or maybe a 1 year, and both parties dont want to talk to each other because people that have turned sour themselves keep telling others to "JUST WALK AWAY". Well in that mind set no one will ever get back together, maybe you shouldnt jump the gun, and get some information on the situation before you start giving out advise. Sometimes it takes a few break ups to get things right. To quote someone else "no one said love would be easy, they said it would be worth it".Baby, it takes way more than fear of abandonment to make a relationship work. And love is NEVER enough, although many breakup/makeups sounds more like two very immature individuals who aren't ready for real love or two codependents who can't let each other go, even if they're not compatible. Relationships aren't projects. Life really is too short to waste it trying to repair each other. There's a massive ocean full of fish out there. Go net yourself another one. As to the OP, like I said, just walk away.
Not strong enough Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Please don't condesend to me. The world is full of fish, but you only get a few trophy fish in your life, if you throw um back because you think you will find a better fish, you might but i doubt it. I'm not saying these two people are right for each other, but i don't think people should say, "just walk away" with no background on the relationship. If you want to give out random advise, then go make yourself a private blog, and just keep typing it over and over. Or go help people that are asking to get over there ex's. You can give out advise on some things like that, and it will work alot of the time, alot of relationships fail, thats why most people go threw so many in there lifetime, but sometimes you do more harm than good, and they loose the trophy fish, and end up 70 years old, alone petting a cat.... For example, if you had a bs job like an "online health consultant" and everyone that gave you a vague discription of their problem, like i have a weight problem, and you dont go any deeper, and you tell them to exercise and go on a diet to help them loose weight and get into better shape. You know what, thats true for about 70% of america, we do need to loose some weight, but tell it to someone that stuggles with anorexia and you might have killed them. So jump down off your high horse, and stop giving out random advise, before someone ends up like you sitting at their computer every day of their life because there alone, because they didn't think they had to work for things in life. I don't think you will find one married couple thats been together for 25-50 years that hasnt been through some sort of rough patch. O by the way, tell your cat i said hi.
threebyfate Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 My cat doesn't know you or anyone on LS but he does know some of my exes! For sure, you're not an ex because you don't sound assertive, old or mature enough. People who are right for each other don't break up twice and attempt a third make up. Trust isn't built by holding a relationship hostage. After the first break up, it's an uphill battle for the first make up. Do it again and you can say, Sayonara.
Not strong enough Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Well, now i know why your alone atleast, don't agree with your reasoning, well theres gotta be something wrong with you....so lets make up some more random things, that'll surely make it better. Sorry for hijacking your thread btw nokturn, but atleast now you should see why some of these peoples opinions should be taken with a grain of salt, and some should just be ignored. You can't get expert relationship advise from someone who doesn't know how to maintain one. Hope to see some more details soon, so others might be able to give some educated advise.
Author nokturn Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 Guys, please.. I didn't want to clog up the thread but I guess you're right (Not strong enough), I needed to give more info. Basically we were together a total of 4 years. If you were asking how long it has been [since the breakup], it's been a little over 2 months. The first time she broke things off with me was due to problems in the relationship -- fights, arguments, job issues on my part, and all of those put together which resulted in an unhappy relationship. I was able to eventually understand this in a relatively short amount of time after the breakup. However, the first breakup only lasted for about 2 1/2 weeks before she contacted me and wanted to discuss reconciling. THIS, I think is one of the significant reasons as to why we broke up the second time. I've realized (especially even more now after the second breakup), that the time apart should be used to work on oneself. To resolve your issues, make positive changes, etc. I, for the most part made significant changes on my part. Anyway, I think that 2 1/2 weeks is definitely not enough time at all. I know from getting other people's input and advice, reading posts, books, articles, guides, etc. that a third chance is a long-shot to say the least. If it didn't work the first time, that should tell you something. If it didn't work the second time, then something is not right. I'll be honest, as ashamed as I am to say this, that yes there's a little tiny bit of hope somewhere deep down. At times I wished it would just go away. I suppose the reason I question the chances for a second reconciliation is how she acted after our first breakup. A couple of things she did after the second breakup reminded me of it and it sort of ignited that "hope". No matter how true the things are that my closest friends and family tell me ("If she did this twice, she can definitely do it a third time" , "She's just not worth it" , "She doesn't know what she wants and is very confused" , "Move on".. etc), I can't explain why I still have that hope. Maybe I'm attached and I can't help it. By the way, these "couple of things" she did were contacting me, and getting angry at my attempts to remove her from my life. It's things like this that made me very confused and not able to know what to make of it. Then there are also other things that conflict with it and make it all more confusing (but maybe I'll save that for another thread ) Sorry for the long winded reply, but I hope I've given a decent amount of info to hopefully get your answers. Thanks in advance
Author nokturn Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 Oh, and threebyfate and Not strong enough, c'mon guys, we're all here to help each other out. I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding. I guess we're all just at a lack of common experience but we should all respect one another's views on things. So threebyfate's experience may have been different from Not strong enough's. All in all, we should all just try to learn from each other K I'll shutup now
boltsfan17 Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 When she contacted you and got angry for you attempting to remove her from your life, what did you tell her? Did you ask for another chance? If she got angry over that, she must still care about you and have feelings for you. Since it's been a little over 2 months now, where are things at? Have you tried contacting her? Has she contacted you again since she got angry?
Author nokturn Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 When she contacted you and got angry for you attempting to remove her from your life, what did you tell her? Did you ask for another chance? If she got angry over that, she must still care about you and have feelings for you. Since it's been a little over 2 months now, where are things at? Have you tried contacting her? Has she contacted you again since she got angry? I basically told her I did what I felt I had to do for myself. I was purposely being vague about this as I felt she is able to figure this out on her own. I didn't ask for another chance. Instead I just explained as calmly and collected as I could be and I for some reason didn't want her to be upset with me so I told her I realized I didn't even have to do it after all. I'm not sure what to make of this. Maybe I was being too nice about it. Who knows. At this point I don't know what to hope for or if I should even hope for anything that has to do with reconciliation. Right now I'm trying my best at doing NC. She did however contact me around the first week of July. It was just a simple "hey how are you?" I wasn't sure what to do so i didn't reply until the next day. Afterall, I didn't want to appear like I was waiting for her to contact me and jump up as soon as she did. We exchanged a couple of texts asking how work and everything else was and I responded with nothing but positivity. After a few exchanges she just stopped, and that was the last time we were ever in contact. I thought maybe it upset her that I seemed happy? I'll never know but I'd like to think so..
boltsfan17 Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 I'm sure everyone has their own opinion, but personally, I feel NC is really just to get over someone. If you really do love and care about that person, you do need to make an attempt to try and reconcile the relationship. Sitting around doing nothing won't help you do that. I know after a break up, it's best to have some time and space apart to think about the relationship and know why it ended. I've read many posts on here and other articles on the internet. I've always done the exact opposite of what they say about trying to get an ex back, and luckily, things have always worked for me. They say don't send flowers or gifts. I did that and got my ex back that way. I know every situation is different, but in my opinion, you should text her to she how she's doing. If she responds back, maybe you can ask her if she'd like to have lunch or get a cup of coffee one day. If she ignores you, I would give it another few weeks or so and try again. If no response then, unfortunately, you probably will have to move on.
ngo_ng Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Just let time heal the wounds of the heart. Work out the differences and live your live like she never existed. Maybe through a common friend make contact again way down the road and just chat things up. You will be 2 different people by then. If you are attracted to each other it could be a potential come back. If not, then you know you two have grown from the experience and that the new you(s) are not meant to be but at least you can be friends at that point. I can't give you much more advice as I am living through this right now. It's the first time I go through this as well so I don't have prior experience. 3 years in the making and now she is with someone else since this week. I saw her yesterday at a friends birthday party. We didn't talk much, i responsed as little as I could, its not as if she is looking to talk to me anyway, she appears to be happy with the man that could give her what i couldnt. She was being irrespectful, going to my best friends birthday party and at the table texting him nonstop and chitchatting about her life with the newfound guy while the party was about my friend's birthday. The night ended up at the bar where the new guy came, they were making out and going into their bubble while we were having fun. When leaving she doesnt say bye to me so I call her back and give her a peck on the cheeks and wish her goodnight after I had said goodbye to her new man and wish him safe drive home. My friends congratulated me for being such a gentlemen in such a tough situation. The next day I can clearly see although she ignores me that she still hasn't gotten over me as becauseher facebook page the guy writes "Don't get angry at douchebags and *******s, they exist so the world can appreciate more people like me" I laugh as I found it so Ironic as they were the people misbehaving at a party and I get called douchebag when he went to pull a dick move to get her away from me when our relationship was recovering. He is clearly a rebound. Not that I care much because with the disrespect I saw yesterday, I made up my mind that I don't want her back and I am happy with my life even though secretly I still love her more than anything. Just move on, if all works well things will pick up, if not well she will not be good enough for the new you
Not strong enough Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I say it depends on her, if she wants to give it another try honestly, then I would do it, your right about 2 1/2 weeks not being long enough, that's what happened with me and my ex, we got back together after a week. It was so quick, i didn't really realize what was wrong with us, and tried to go back to the way things were, and it just happened again because i was insecure. If she is willing, i would try to talk things out, and this time, id do it slowly, don't try to solve all the problems overnight. Go talk with her, then give it a day or two, and talk again. See if you and her are on the same page about your problems, and go from there. If you don't try to fix it the right way, then years later down the road, if you really loved her and she really loved you, you may realize it and it may be to late. At the very least you will always wonder what if, and if you do get in another relationship it wont be right to the next girl.
ngo_ng Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I think the optimal time for you is 1-2 month. The reason for which is that you need to change for yourself and commit to a permanent change. She has to do the same for this to work out. Once things have toned down and issues been resolved. Contact her again to talk things out as not too strong mentionned. IMHO, I believe that to be able to live with yourself without regret you must talk to her and try to work things out if not just to discuss about it. But always remember that rushing into things you will make mistakes just like the first time you got back together.
Not strong enough Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I think the optimal time for you is 1-2 month. The reason for which is that you need to change for yourself and commit to a permanent change. She has to do the same for this to work out. Once things have toned down and issues been resolved. Contact her again to talk things out as not too strong mentionned. IMHO, I believe that to be able to live with yourself without regret you must talk to her and try to work things out if not just to discuss about it. But always remember that rushing into things you will make mistakes just like the first time you got back together. I agree fully
threebyfate Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 nokturn, no one can change themselves after only two months. We're talking about a lifetime of coping strategies. What happens when times get tough again? How will you react? What went wrong the first time that caused so many arguments? Why did she break up the second time? Did the same behaviours repeat themselves? Relationships are built on foundations of love, trust and respect. Trust is now gone and most likely respect. You're now down to love. Or is it really love or just pining for what you had within the relationship?
ar1 Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Please don't condesend to me. The world is full of fish, but you only get a few trophy fish in your life, if you throw um back because you think you will find a better fish, you might but i doubt it. I'm not saying these two people are right for each other, but i don't think people should say, "just walk away" with no background on the relationship. If you want to give out random advise, then go make yourself a private blog, and just keep typing it over and over. Or go help people that are asking to get over there ex's. You can give out advise on some things like that, and it will work alot of the time, alot of relationships fail, thats why most people go threw so many in there lifetime, but sometimes you do more harm than good, and they loose the trophy fish, and end up 70 years old, alone petting a cat.... For example, if you had a bs job like an "online health consultant" and everyone that gave you a vague discription of their problem, like i have a weight problem, and you dont go any deeper, and you tell them to exercise and go on a diet to help them loose weight and get into better shape. You know what, thats true for about 70% of america, we do need to loose some weight, but tell it to someone that stuggles with anorexia and you might have killed them. So jump down off your high horse, and stop giving out random advise, before someone ends up like you sitting at their computer every day of their life because there alone, because they didn't think they had to work for things in life. I don't think you will find one married couple thats been together for 25-50 years that hasnt been through some sort of rough patch. O by the way, tell your cat i said hi. To be completely fair, most people, even IRL, will give some pretty general advice on stuff like this. No one will really know the intricacies of the relationship except the two parties involved. I've been loosely following your tribulations, so here's one thing a buddy of mine told me that sort of stuck (you'll never hear anything like this on message boards such as these) for the OP & you. "Don't try to win her back man, just knock some sense into her."
Recommended Posts