Is this Cheating?

[Boradaman]

Hi all,

 

I'm in a bit of a state at the moment and really struggling to get some perspective on something.

 

I have been in a serious, (but a little not committal) relationship for the past 2 1/2 years. My partner has two young children (4 & 5) from her marriage before we met. She is NOT divorced though.

 

In the first year of our relationship, she decided to go back to her ex to try and work at the "happy family" life. She actually did this twice and each time only lasted 2 weeks. On both occasions she came back to me and I welcomed her back with open arms. I was and still am very much in love with her.

 

She is a very honest person and would always tell me her feelings. For the next year and half she was into our relationship but not really willing to fully commit as she was having problems working though her past and what was best for her kids. ie - to build on a new life with with me or go back to her ex again. I was aware of her feelings which made me feel very insecure.

 

These feelings would surface every 3 or 4 months and we would go through a very difficult and testing period for a few days until she move on from her feelings.

 

However, about 2 months ago she told me that she had an idea to help or move on for her past or find out once and for all which path she wanted to go down. Her idea was to go away with her ex and their children for 5 days to see if there was any feeling left to pursue her marriage again. My reaction to this idea was not good. I kept my cool, but I said I felt it wasn't the best way to sort her feelings out and that it was quite disrespectful to our relationship. I asked her to consider looking for other ways to move on from her past and I would try and support her with that.

 

My feelings of insecurity as a result of this greatly increased and I felt that she should know by now whether she wanted to commit to us or go back to her ex again. Afterall, we had been together for 2 1/2 years.

 

A month ago she told me that she had decided to go away with her ex and kids for 4 days. I was gutted and felt terrible. She tried to reassure me by saying it is something she needs to do. I still did not want her to go and asked her not to, but to no avail.

 

Anyway, whilst she was away I felt very lonely and paranoid that she was going to come back and tell me that she was getting back with her ex. I was so scared and was really down. During her time away I did not receive a phone call at all to see how I was or tell me how she was doing. I did receive 2 text messages though saying she was missing me.

 

On day 2 when she was away, I was looking for some attention and reassurance. Something to make me feel special and important, so a re-activated an old online dating site I used to use when I was single. I received some messages from some people, but I did not reply to any of them. For me it was just a way to deal with my feelings at the time. I did not follow through with any messages or make any contact with anyone on the site.

 

Upon her return, she told me that she new it was over between her and her ex and wanted to start building on us more. I was so happy and relieved, and things between us were great. About a week ago I remembered that I had re-activated my online dating account and thought that it was inappropriate to have it activated, so I jumped on her computer to de-activate it. I had 2 new messages when I went to de-activate it and out of curiosity I had a look. Again, I did not respond or follow through with any contact. I then de-activated the account.

 

So, finally I get to the problem!!

 

She found the history on her computer and questioned me about it. I told her exactly what happened (as I've mentioned here) and why I did it. I told her that it was a dumb thing to do and that I was 100% committed to her, our relationship and her kids. This is very true....I love her so much.

 

Anyway, she feels as though I have cheated on her and that I have been disrespectful to her. She now is questioning what else I have lied to her about and doesn't believe anything I tell her. For the last 5 days she has been considering whether or not she now wants to be in the relationship with me as her trust for me is up in the air. She has been very cold with me and appears to be doing things deliberately to hurt me and make me feel even worse than I already do. I am really struggling to understand this and whether it is as bad as she has made it out to be.

 

Please offer your thoughts.

 

Have I cheated?

What should I do?

 

Please help!

[Kinder-Horror]

IMO

 

1) No you have not cheated

2) You reactivating an account is a sign of questioning your relationship with her... but only to a 100th of a degree of the questioning SHE has been doing.

 

She has repeatedly questioned whether she should get back with her ex - and had tried a few times.... Hell, at the time that you did activate it, she was away WITH HIM, deciding if she had any feelings for him.

 

If she's mad about what you did, you need to start being mad about what she has done.

 

My spiteful self says go away with one of your ex's for four days and see how it makes her feel. Obviously I am not serious - and I do understand that kids are involved, but the fact is, if anyone has appeared hesitant to commit, it is her.

[Enchanted Girl]

Even if you were considering dating any of those women, that's not worse than what she was doing at the time, which was going on a cruise to consider getting back with her ex where she may have been having sex with him or kissing him behind your back. You were doing neither of these things.

 

You need to turn the tables around on this. She has no respect for you. That's why she keeps leaving you for this guy because, you, the doormat/puppy will always be waiting for her to return if she wants to, no matter what she does.

[denise_xo]

IMO

 

She has repeatedly questioned whether she should get back with her ex - and had tried a few times.... Hell, at the time that you did activate it, she was away WITH HIM, deciding if she had any feelings for him.

 

If she's mad about what you did, you need to start being mad about what she has done.

 

 

You need to turn the tables around on this. She has no respect for you. That's why she keeps leaving you for this guy because, you, the doormat/puppy will always be waiting for her to return if she wants to, no matter what she does.

 

Agree with both of these responses. Her reaction is out of order.

 

Tell her she has to choose - it's the ex or you.

[Boradaman]

The issue is not the fact that she will go back to her ex again, she has decided that this is not an option for her anymore and she wants to focus on us......well before this saga happened anyway!

 

I suppose I was looking for answers around what I did and what to do next. She has told me she wants time to reflect on what I did and whether she wants to continue the relationship.

[Kinder-Horror]

We know that she has said she wont go back again - but what about the various times she has gone back already. Didn't she think that was even slightly disrespectful to you? I am just shocked that she can be angry at you for this when she just was on a four day trip with her ex DECIDING if it was worth getting back with him...

 

And then she gets mad at you over this?

It's ridiculous.

[Boradaman]

Yeah, I agree and that's how I feel. I don't think she says it like that though and I have tried to explain that to her and just doesn't seem to listen or get it.

 

So, what next?

[Enchanted Girl]

Yeah, I agree and that's how I feel. I don't think she says it like that though and I have tried to explain that to her and just doesn't seem to listen or get it.

 

So, what next?

 

I told you what to do.

 

My post wasn't about whether or not I was worried she'd go back to her ex. My post was about whether or not she respected you. Because your descriptions of her past behaviors (including going back and forth between the ex and you) are descriptions of someone who doesn't respect the person they are dating. If someone doesn't respect you and your feelings then they will treat you like crap.

 

You should be angry with her and willing to leave the relationship if she doesn't respect you more and isn't the least bit willing to forgive you. I am actually impressed that you were honest with her about what you did while she was on the trip. A lot of people would have lied about it. And while I don't expect her to jump for joy at what you did, if you've agreed to never do it again, then she has no right to be angry.

 

The point is, she's expecting a lot out of you when she hasn't been treating you that well and you need to demand to be treated well. A lot of people will take their partners for granted and treat them like crap if the person lets them. Do not let her. You may lose her in the process, but if you do, then she'll never treat you right in the first place. If she loves you and you start demanding that respect and forgiveness, it will probably lead to fighting, but in the end she'll realize she is wrong and give it to you.

[Boradaman]

I told you what to do.

 

My post wasn't about whether or not I was worried she'd go back to her ex. My post was about whether or not she respected you. Because your descriptions of her past behaviors (including going back and forth between the ex and you) are descriptions of someone who doesn't respect the person they are dating. If someone doesn't respect you and your feelings then they will treat you like crap.

 

You should be angry with her and willing to leave the relationship if she doesn't respect you more and isn't the least bit willing to forgive you. I am actually impressed that you were honest with her about what you did while she was on the trip. A lot of people would have lied about it. And while I don't expect her to jump for joy at what you did, if you've agreed to never do it again, then she has no right to be angry.

 

The point is, she's expecting a lot out of you when she hasn't been treating you that well and you need to demand to be treated well. A lot of people will take their partners for granted and treat them like crap if the person lets them. Do not let her. You may lose her in the process, but if you do, then she'll never treat you right in the first place. If she loves you and you start demanding that respect and forgiveness, it will probably lead to fighting, but in the end she'll realize she is wrong and give it to you.

Wow. You say some good things here. Thanks.

 

I didn't actually tell her, she found out and then I explained it all to her. We even went through my online dating account together to show her my contact history (or lack of). However, she questioned me by saying "you have probably deleted your replies." Clearly not believing me.

[MyNameIsJane]

Wow. You say some good things here. Thanks.

 

I didn't actually tell her, she found out and then I explained it all to her. We even went through my online dating account together to show her my contact history (or lack of). However, she questioned me by saying "you have probably deleted your replies." Clearly not believing me.

 

I hate to jump to this so quickly - but often, people get paranoid or upset about something when they are actually doing something wrong.

 

For example, someone who is having an affair often is paranoid that their partner is being unfaithful

 

her saying "you have probably deleted your replies" could be a normal statement - but being as you are the one who has been consistently about her and having a relationship with her, and she is the one jumping back and fourth - that statement also sounds like she is paranoid because she hasn't been the most trustworthy person

 

It sounds like she is having a hard time letting this TINY mistake on your part go because her record of respect isn't all that clean

 

I pretty much agree with enchanted girl that you've got to use this to leverage yourself into a bigger conversation... about respect in the relationship - because she really isn't giving any to you. So if she really wan't to tally the scores up, she better be ready to face facts.

[Boradaman]

I hate to jump to this so quickly - but often, people get paranoid or upset about something when they are actually doing something wrong.

 

For example, someone who is having an affair often is paranoid that their partner is being unfaithful

 

her saying "you have probably deleted your replies" could be a normal statement - but being as you are the one who has been consistently about her and having a relationship with her, and she is the one jumping back and fourth - that statement also sounds like she is paranoid because she hasn't been the most trustworthy person

 

It sounds like she is having a hard time letting this TINY mistake on your part go because her record of respect isn't all that clean

 

I pretty much agree with enchanted girl that you've got to use this to leverage yourself into a bigger conversation... about respect in the relationship - because she really isn't giving any to you. So if she really wan't to tally the scores up, she better be ready to face facts.

We have had the big conversation about respect etc. It doesn't seem to get us anywhere. I often get the response of "this is where I am at, at the minute".

 

The way I see it from peoples responses here is that she needs to take some ownership of this problem and start demonstrating some respect or we call it a day. The tricky part is whether she will do that and even realize that she needs to take some responsibility for this too.

[jnj express]

I am gonna be real straight with you---or as some might say "tuff love"

 

You are one big fool to still be with her at all. She is never gonna forget her H. He will be in your life forever. and I think you already know it.

 

She has not gotten a divorce, she has children with him, and she keeps vasillating back to him.

 

I don't care how much you think you love her---she is toxic for you----there are way too many women out there who you will not have problems with.

 

Remember this one thing if nothing else----You get one, and only one trip thru life on this planet---make it a happy one, that is carefree, and enjoyable.

 

What you have now---is filled already with problems----run, run, run, run away as fast as you can.

[Boradaman]

OK. Point taken and thanks.

 

Assuming I decide to run, run, run......what are your thoughts on her children. We are very close and they constantly want to spend time with me (and vise versa), should I cut them too? IE a complete cut of tie.

[MyNameIsJane]

OK. Point taken and thanks.

 

Assuming I decide to run, run, run......what are your thoughts on her children. We are very close and they constantly want to spend time with me (and vise versa), should I cut them too? IE a complete cut of tie.

 

Yes. Unfortunately.

If you dont, you are just tying yourself to her still.

 

You need to completely sever ties with her, which means her children too. Otherwise, you're never going to leave.

 

I have to be honest with you. Based on the fact that you have stuck around for 2.5 years of this - I dont believe you will actually walk away from her.

 

But I strongly agree with the other poster and encourage you to. Eventually, you will be really grateful you did

[jnj express]

They are not your children---they are his children--they will always be his children---the children alone will keep him in your life for the next 14 yrs. or longer----and should you ever have to apply some harsh discipline---they will turn on you in an instant---they are HIS children----why would you tie them to you, if you are not with her anyway.

[D-Lish]

Wow, you're being a doormat.

 

Since she's shuffled back and forth between you and her ex for so long, why shouldn't you also be able to doubt what you have and explore your options? She obviously feels it's okay to do so.

 

So she can go away for a week with her ex to decide if he is right for her, but you can't even "think" about doing so yourself?

 

Don't think she didn't have sex with him on her week away- because she totally did, and you're a fool to think otherwise.

 

You're being the guy that sits back and waits for her to choose you while she goes on off on a ****-fest with her ex- but she has the nerve to come back and question what you did while she was gone?

 

I don't know what you could possibly get her for x-mas this year, since you've already gift-wrapped your balls and self respect.

[bananaboat11]

I firmly agree with all the responses. Her reaction in your situation is her subconscious, but acknowledged mechanism of coping with her own guilt of what she put you through. I wish I were half the man you are. If my lover did what she did to you - I would've walked! You are strong at heart, my friend and should not put up with this.

 

All I can offer for advice is if you love her - couples counseling seems to be your best bet...

[imagine]

I am so puzzled by your question....

 

What are the terms of her contract of marriage? Is it find a guy that will have her kids but bang a guy when they disagree?

 

I do not know the terms of her relationship. Both of you are cheating the terms of married life. You are cheating her husband. Have you spoken to him?

 

Maybe the question should read: Are you cheating a cheater?

[Boradaman]

I am so puzzled by your question....

 

What are the terms of her contract of marriage? Is it find a guy that will have her kids but bang a guy when they disagree?

 

I do not know the terms of her relationship. Both of you are cheating the terms of married life. You are cheating her husband. Have you spoken to him?

 

Maybe the question should read: Are you cheating a cheater?

Correct! In real terms of marriage, I suppose she is cheating in her husband. I'm not married to him nor her though, so perhaps I could be seen as the guy she is cheating with. She has been separated for 4 years, but has not got a divorce. In a legal sense she is cheating. Anyway, that's not the question I asked.

 

What would I speak to him about? He does not want to even meet me, I've offered and tried.

[Chinook]

Buddy, no offence but you're being used and abused and smacked with the blame to boot..!! Each time she went back to the H. Do you think for a moment she didn't sleep with him or be close to him...? Do you think for one moment that she doesn't think about him when you guys are together...? Nope. In essence, she's cheating on you and cheating on him... and although she says she doesn't want him back 'right now' you have no guarantee that it won't happen again. The being pee'd off about your computer history, is simply a smokescreen for her guilt. She has cheated, will probably cheat again and she's saying you have no right to do the same... i.e. playing the injured soldier in this

 

...and you my friend... are enabling it. Final thing, yes... you should cut ties with her kids. Simple reason, she's teaching them it is okay to treat two men badly. If you walk, that teaches them it is not okay to do this. Simple.

[imagine]

 

What would I speak to him about? He does not want to even meet me, I've offered and tried.

 

Why would anyone want to speak to OM for? An OM is nothing to a marriage -he has no say so in the marriage! Either he or his wife divorces....

[Boradaman]

Why would anyone want to speak to OM for? An OM is nothing to a marriage -he has no say so in the marriage! Either he or his wife divorces....

I assume OM is (other man)?

 

My point of view on that is, if I was him, I would want to meet and talk to the guy who's in my kids life!

[MyNameIsJane]

I assume OM is (other man)?

 

My point of view on that is, if I was him, I would want to meet and talk to the guy who's in my kids life!

 

Though my dad has sort of spoken to my step-dad in passing.... since I have been 6, my real dad has had zero interest in communicating my my step-dad.

 

I don't think all guys are that interested.

[Boradaman]

Fair enough. However, I will still want to meet the other guy even if I didn't like him or the situation. Purely in the best interests of the children.

 

Anyway, that's another story.

[imagine]

I assume OM is (other man)?

 

My point of view on that is, if I was him, I would want to meet and talk to the guy who's in my kids life!

 

Sorry feller. His wife needs discussion - not you. Think about it, what sway have you in the children's lives? Nada! It's up to his wife to make sure you are not a pervert.

 

Quite frankly, if it were up to me -I would not trust her at all!

 

Please understand, that I am not against you but what an Other Man represents. An OM/OW has very romantic views which are illogical and impractical. While you fill OM's shoes I do not expect support from you, however altruistic you may think your motives are....