New OW... to my best friend

[heavyheart24]

Hello all. This is my first post in this forum, and I came here because I feel like I have no one to talk to about any of this.

 

I recently have started a relationship with a man who has a live-in GF. They aren't married and haven't discussed marriage, because she's against the concept of it. This isn't something I'm necessarily proud of, but I feel like it's completely out of my control. The man is one of my best friends, and has been for about 6 years now. He's a few years older then I am, and has always been the person I turn to in times of need. I trust him and love him more then pretty much anyone else in the world. Just recently (as in the past 2 weeks we've started an affair of sorts. He claims to be unhappy and bored in his relationship, and ready to leave, but things are a little complicated at the moment because of their living situation. I believe him because this man has never lied to me. We're best friends over lovers, and as I said, I trust him completely. This thing between us was completely unplanned. I never set out with this intention, and neither did he.

 

I just feel so conflicted right now. I love him with all my heart, and yes I've wanted a relationship with him for so long, but just not this way. I hate that it's happening like this, but I just can't NOT be with him. Now that I've gotten to taste what it's like to be in a sort of relationship with him other then friendship, it's impossible to turn back, and impossible to let go. It's just breaking my heart that she's still in the picture. And believe it or not, it saddens me, because I actually really like her.

 

Just looking for maybe people to listen without judgement, and anyone else who may be in this situation also

[jj33]

Sorry you are in a quandry.

 

OK they are living together. They arent married. You are single.

 

Other than the fact that they have a lease (or maybe a mortgage) what is so complicated? Why cant he move in with you?

 

Has he told you he is in love with you? Has he expressed a desire for a future with you?

 

Remember and remember well that he may be your best friend, but as a romantic partner, this is how he deals with boredom. This is how he deals with conflict.

 

Long term relationships are not always sizzling. You know the conundrum how do you keep the sizzle alive there are ebbs and flows blah blah blah.

 

You want to have a very serious heart to heart with him and make sure you are on the same page. You dont want to wake up in 6 months and find they are found their way back to each other or that he loves you as a friend and is attracted to you but doesnt love you in that way.

 

Take good care

[BB07]

You know that it's highly unlikely to work out well with a start like this.

 

You say you feel out of control, well you aren't, you need to see that. The out of control cliche, is just used as an excuse. It's a choice, not a control option.

 

If his relationship with you is really something that is important to you and you really love him, then you need to back away until he finishes the other relationship. You are now causing pain to yourself and him and his g/f and it probably won't have a good ending if it continues as it is.

[heavyheart24]

And believe it or not, it saddens me, because I actually really like her.

 

How do you treat the people you don't like that much?

 

Listen, I know that what I'm doing isn't the most moral choice, and I should probably explain a little more about our background so that you understand it better, although if you're going to judge me, you're going to judge me no matter what the background is, and I acknowledge that. I've been friends with him for six years. Way back six years ago, I had a major crush on him. We flirted a lot, but staying within the boundaries of friendship. Then he starting dating his g/f, who had been an acquaintance from college. At that point I backed off, even though I always loved him, I respected their relationship. And yes, because he and I are such good friends, I see her from time to time (he's very sociable and goes out often in social settings, whereas she's more reserved and prefers to stay in most of the time), which is natural. Our exchanges are a bit superficial, and I don't know a ton about her, but no, I have no reason to dislike her. Aside from saying he's bored with the relationship (which is probably more of a reflection on him then her - and I'll admit that too), he's never said anything negative about her. But the way I view it is that I'm not in a relationship with her - he is. And I'm sorry to do this to a nice person, but it was something that we sort of fell into accidentally and without much discussion or thought. Originally it was a few nights of physical stuff that has now kind of spiraled way out of the friend zone emotionally and physically. It's not like I was thinking, 'oh, what a nice girl, let me get into an A with her b/f'. I know that this isn't the smartest decision I've ever made, but when I'm with him things just feel right and like they were always meant to be that way. It's an extremely hard thing to walk away from.

 

Sorry if that paragraph is all over the place, or if it seems tangential.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He's known you all this time, with the assumption that he is your friend - and the best he can do for you is prioritize you this low? Why would someone who claims to care so much for you put you in a position where heartbreak will the the primary emotion for you?

 

Honestly, I'd walk away. Tell him that you love him, but that you can't be with someone who would put you in a position like this. Tell him that when he is single and emotionally available to be in a committed monogamous relationship he can call you up. Otherwise, he can leave you alone.

 

You may think you can't do this - I know you think you will lose him, but if you walk away and he wants you in his life he will come after you. If you walk away and he lets you - then all you have lost is a guy who wouldn't do more for you than cheat with you behind his girlfriend's back, and let you walk away.

[GreenEyedLady]

Just looking for maybe people to listen without judgement, and anyone else who may be in this situation also

 

Welcome!

 

Although you'll get plenty of judgmental advice, there are plenty of posters who will give you support.

 

Take what you can use and discard the rest.

 

GEL

[fooled once]

Hello all. This is my first post in this forum, and I came here because I feel like I have no one to talk to about any of this.

 

I recently have started a relationship with a man who has a live-in GF. They aren't married and haven't discussed marriage, because she's against the concept of it. This isn't something I'm necessarily proud of, but I feel like it's completely out of my control. The man is one of my best friends, and has been for about 6 years now. He's a few years older then I am, and has always been the person I turn to in times of need. I trust him and love him more then pretty much anyone else in the world. Just recently (as in the past 2 weeks we've started an affair of sorts. He claims to be unhappy and bored in his relationship, and ready to leave, but things are a little complicated at the moment because of their living situation. I believe him because this man has never lied to me. We're best friends over lovers, and as I said, I trust him completely. This thing between us was completely unplanned. I never set out with this intention, and neither did he.

 

I just feel so conflicted right now. I love him with all my heart, and yes I've wanted a relationship with him for so long, but just not this way. I hate that it's happening like this, but I just can't NOT be with him. Now that I've gotten to taste what it's like to be in a sort of relationship with him other then friendship, it's impossible to turn back, and impossible to let go. It's just breaking my heart that she's still in the picture. And believe it or not, it saddens me, because I actually really like her.

 

Just looking for maybe people to listen without judgement, and anyone else who may be in this situation also

 

How about putting the 'relationship' on hold until he ends things with his girlfriend?

[cavedweller]

Heavyheart,

 

Do you want to get her out of the picture fast? I am just an old man, but, I will tell you what I think you should do..

 

Try this:

 

1..Stop all sex...Cut him off today..

2..Continue talking to him..

3..Tell him you love him and want to be with him..

4..Let him know you want to 'hook up' as soon as they breakup..

 

I can't stress it enough that the key is to cut him off..

 

my 2 cents

[Chinook]

Heavyheart

I have to agree with the last poster. If he cares for you, he needs a wake up call. He cannot treat two people like this and you will need to take a risk here. You will need to distance yourself from him completely and tell him 'this isn't going to happen, until you guys are split'. It's very simple regardless of the complications - they're not married, finances can be sorted easily. If he cares about you, he'll take some time and leave. If he doesn't and the space gives him time to get a grip of how he feels for her for sure, then at least you know where the true picture of the land lies. It'll be hard, but you need to back off completely.

[jj33]

Heavyheart it doesnt matter that you have been friends with him for 6 years. You say he has never said anything negative about her. What does that tell you?

 

Its not so much (to me) about what you are doing to her its about what you are doing to YOURSELF.

 

You have these feelings for this guy but he isnt respecting you. You havent answered the question about WHY he cant leave, IF he has mentioned feelings for you.

 

Of course this is destined to fail the way its starting its you being there for him with him just living his life as always.

 

If you had said I cant post why but there are reasons why he cant leave until x date, he has told me he loves me, and he feels the same way I do and he is leaving by x date that would be different.

 

It wouldnt be the smartest choice and it still doesnt reflect well on him but at least there would be some hope.

 

You are heading for a train wreck. Please protect your heart.

[jennie-jennie]

You know that it's highly unlikely to work out well with a start like this.

You say you feel out of control, well you aren't, you need to see that. The out of control cliche, is just used as an excuse. It's a choice, not a control option.

 

If his relationship with you is really something that is important to you and you really love him, then you need to back away until he finishes the other relationship. You are now causing pain to yourself and him and his g/f and it probably won't have a good ending if it continues as it is.

 

Have you ever been in love?

[jennie-jennie]

Listen, I know that what I'm doing isn't the most moral choice, and I should probably explain a little more about our background so that you understand it better, although if you're going to judge me, you're going to judge me no matter what the background is, and I acknowledge that. I've been friends with him for six years. Way back six years ago, I had a major crush on him. We flirted a lot, but staying within the boundaries of friendship. Then he starting dating his g/f, who had been an acquaintance from college. At that point I backed off, even though I always loved him, I respected their relationship. And yes, because he and I are such good friends, I see her from time to time (he's very sociable and goes out often in social settings, whereas she's more reserved and prefers to stay in most of the time), which is natural. Our exchanges are a bit superficial, and I don't know a ton about her, but no, I have no reason to dislike her. Aside from saying he's bored with the relationship (which is probably more of a reflection on him then her - and I'll admit that too), he's never said anything negative about her. But the way I view it is that I'm not in a relationship with her - he is. And I'm sorry to do this to a nice person, but it was something that we sort of fell into accidentally and without much discussion or thought. Originally it was a few nights of physical stuff that has now kind of spiraled way out of the friend zone emotionally and physically. It's not like I was thinking, 'oh, what a nice girl, let me get into an A with her b/f'. I know that this isn't the smartest decision I've ever made, but when I'm with him things just feel right and like they were always meant to be that way. It's an extremely hard thing to walk away from.

 

Sorry if that paragraph is all over the place, or if it seems tangential.

 

I understand completely where you are coming from. That is how I feel too.

[Mimolicious]

Welcome!

 

They are bf/gf, he can surely end his R with her if he wanted to move forward with you. It's not like they are M and have 5 kids. You should tell him how you feel and see where he stands. If he starts giving you the run-a-round (lease, $$, blah,blah,blah) sorry to say, you may have lost your lover and BFF. Unless you want to stay in the triangle.

[cavedweller]

Heavyheart,

 

Like I posted above...You must take action...

 

ie:

 

1..Stop having sex with him.

 

2..You need to tell him to get rid of her.

 

3..If you don't take action today five years from now he will still be with her and riding you on the side..

 

4..Only you can make it happen.....

 

5..Wake up and smell the coffee..

[heavyheart24]

Thank you all for your input.

 

The reason why I said what I did about his living situation is because I have moved home for a couple months, and am looking for a new apartment, but he currently would not be able to move in with me until then. Also the majority of his friends live far away (or at least too far for him to be able to commute to work daily), or are also her friends and wouldn't take him in, so he would have to find either an apartment quickly or stay for a short time in a hotel. I know that's not the best excuse, but it does make things a little more complicated.

 

Anyway, I actually asked him to meet with me tomorrow evening to talk things out. We've always been able to be really truthful with each other, and I just want to make sure he knows how much I love him, and that while I love him enough to feel like I'm completely out of control of this situation, I also love him enough to feel like my heart is breaking every time I think of him and his g/f, and i can't live with that every second of every day. I mean, just the past few weeks have pretty much turned me into a lunatic. While I'm not going to sit there and say, "you must make a choice right this second", I'm going to tell him that he really needs to think about things in his relationship and his life, and eventually (read: relatively soon) make a choice between me or her. I have been thinking about this all day, and I hate to think of him as being this person who would do this to his girlfriend, because although he has, this isn't him. I know most of you think that's crap and probably think that I'm delusional, but it's not, and I'm not. He is not a promiscuous guy. He's 29 and has only slept with 5 girls, four of whom have been serious girlfriends, and me. He's never been a hook-up guy, and has always preferred relationships to hook-ups. And he's never cheated before.

 

Anyway, I really hope that this talk will light a fire under him, or whatever, to get out of his relationship with his g/f, and I'll wait for him, not indefinitely, but for a good while. If he decides to stay with her, I'll be completely devastated and heartbroken, but at least I'll know now instead of months or years down the road after enduring so much hurt and pain along the way.

 

I'm so nervous though. I don't know if I'll actually have the strength to say these things or act on them. I hope and pray that I do, and I'm even trying to write myself a script or a letter that I can read, which may sound stupid, but will at least allow me to say everything I need to say. Because when I get nervous, I often forget half of the things I need to bring up.

 

But thank you again for all of your input. I'll let you know how things turn out.

[heavyheart24]

So we ended it. I decided that I would rather stay just friends with him, and have him in my life that way forever, then mess things up with a relationship that may not work out, and will probably end our friendship. It was probably the hardest decision I've had to make, and I feel completely heartbroken, but we talked it out and decided that it was really what's best for us. We're actually even going to take a little break from our friendship for a few months so that we can get over these feelings we have for each other the minimize the chances of this happening again.

 

It does depress me though. It's going to be hard to go back to being just friends.

[pkn06002]

Yeah good luck on that, once you cross over there really is no going back.

 

Trying the same thing and it is a struggle everyday.

[norajane]

So we ended it. I decided that I would rather stay just friends with him, and have him in my life that way forever, then mess things up with a relationship that may not work out, and will probably end our friendship. It was probably the hardest decision I've had to make, and I feel completely heartbroken, but we talked it out and decided that it was really what's best for us. We're actually even going to take a little break from our friendship for a few months so that we can get over these feelings we have for each other the minimize the chances of this happening again.

 

It does depress me though. It's going to be hard to go back to being just friends.

 

So he didn't really want to leave his girlfriend? He chose to stay with her?

 

Is that why you decided to "just stay friend and have him in your life that way forever"?

 

I'm sorry you're unhappy. You'll probably reach the anger stage soon...don't be surprised if you feel yourself becoming angry that he trifled with you and your friendship out of a little boredom at home. It's ok to decide later that you don't really want to be friends with him because real friends don't treat you like that.

[heavyheart24]

So he didn't really want to leave his girlfriend? He chose to stay with her?

 

Is that why you decided to "just stay friend and have him in your life that way forever"?

 

I'm sorry you're unhappy. You'll probably reach the anger stage soon...don't be surprised if you feel yourself becoming angry that he trifled with you and your friendship out of a little boredom at home. It's ok to decide later that you don't really want to be friends with him because real friends don't treat you like that.

 

Yeah, he said that although he does have feelings for me, he's been having second thoughts about leaving his gf. Actually hearing him say that hurt so much that I couldn't even imagine spending x-amount of time with him as the OW and not knowing for sure if it would end or not. It was a little bit of a different story when I thought he actually was planning on leaving her. At first I was just hurt, and I'm already starting to go through the anger thing. I know that I won't be able to go back to the friend thing quickly, and probably not while I'm still single. Not that I'm rushing to get into another relationship, but when I'm in one, I tend to only think of the person I'm with, so it will be easier to be in a friendly relationship with him at that point.

 

It's harder then anything, because although I am determined to not have contact with him for a few months, he's still on my IM lists, facebook, twitter, etc. In the past, we commented on practically everything the other person wrote, bc that's what best friend's do, right? But now, it's so hard to see something on facebook or twitter and not respond to it like I used to. I may have to de-friend him for a while to eliminate the temptation.