Toodamnpragmatic Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Not your fault. That's the first thing. But understand that when men are severely stressed, we look for relief. At that time, we are not logical. We simply need to de-stress. It can be alcohol, it can be exercise (not appealing to some), could be masturbation, could be trolling craigslist for ads, could be strip club, could be anything. But we look for least emotional cost, quick stress-relief thing. Don't make us pursue you, go through the whole spiel when we are already running on empty. If you are not providing it (whatever "it" is, he'll look for " it" elsewhere. Period. Now it's unfair--what about you, you say. Well, life is not all logical. If you have a good life so far, forgive and forget but set boundaries. Have a code word. Next time, he's stressed, he can say he needs some TLC (whatever codeword you want to use) and be ready to supply what he needs. Get out that lingerie, pamper him, and give him something to smile big about. Then tell him you expect him to do the same for you when you need it. Meaning if you are stressed, he should be ready with dinner and candlelights, bottle of massage oil, soothing music, etc. Or don't. Stand your ground, insist on making him fall on his sword (lol) and guilt-trip him, embarrass him, torment him emotionally, and make him pay. And he'll find a way to do it without your knowledge next time. Like using a pre-paid CC during lunch. P.S. My wife's attitude is "if you want to go, go. The skanks will rip you off and you get nothing there that wouldn't be available at home 24/7". And you know what? She's right. I haven't been for 14 years--the last time was a bachelor party and we got bored out of our mind and ended up going to a cigar lounge. obviously there is a disconnect between this couple and men and women. All the men have said he same thing and the women have ignored that advise. Very interesting....
xxoo Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 obviously there is a disconnect between this couple and men and women. All the men have said he same thing and the women have ignored that advise. Very interesting.... Maybe. But when I read that post, this jumped out: If you have a good life so far, forgive and forget but set boundaries. Have a code word. Next time, he's stressed, he can say he needs some TLC (whatever codeword you want to use) and be ready to supply what he needs. Get out that lingerie, pamper him, and give him something to smile big about. Then tell him you expect him to do the same for you when you need it. Meaning if you are stressed, he should be ready with dinner and candlelights, bottle of massage oil, soothing music, etc. Remember the circumstances-- The OP is 5 months pg and on bedrest. She lost her last baby (very traumatic experience) at 5 months pg. She must be ready to supply what he needs at this highly emotional time? Spouses and parent (esp parents) need to be able to cope when things get tough. Sometimes things are tough for BOTH parents at one (as in these circumstances), and we still have to be responsible adults and cope. It simply isn't reasonable to expect your spouse to be ready to shift into sexpot mode every time you are stressed--esp if she has reason to be equally stressed.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Because it seemed an old refrain..... I admit I am completely desensitized reading these old complaints and scenarios again and again. Do I know the answer.... No.... Just tired of the same back and forth. Though in my defense I said to be vigilant and watch him closely and don't condone it.....
Author nakedtruth Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Because it seemed an old refrain..... I admit I am completely desensitized reading these old complaints and scenarios again and again. Do I know the answer.... No.... Just tired of the same back and forth. Though in my defense I said to be vigilant and watch him closely and don't condone it..... Ok I get what you "men" are saying but to be honest I have not been myself since the last pregnancy. I have been depressed and when I am depressed frustrated or stressed I do not automatically think of sexually explicit behavior...so maybe that's my mistake for not taking care of his needs more attentively in these trying times or thinking in advance that he might turn to other things. I do not agree with men's ideas of "sexual fixes" just because it's been a while since they got some...hello I am in the same boat I am under strict orders of no sexual activity. He wants the baby too so he should make sacrifices as well. This is not about just the lap dance and about being insecure...yes the women that rubbed up on him are not pregnant so in better shape but I am even more upset because I am so disappointed and unbelievably betrayed at a time when he should be by my side. He took vows to work through any turmoils personal or collective together. If men can so easily justify their indiscretions by saying they are not having their needs met than that is BULL****. It's a two way street and every now and then we need to communicate and bridge that gap..the fact is he never said one thing to me! Anyways as for an update...we are working on this and hopefully it will be history that does not repeat itself..as far as I go the stress has caused me to end up in the hospital indefinitely until this baby comes and I am fighting to keep and each day is a blessing.... the fact that he realizes that he is partly the reason I am in the hospital is punishment enough for lies and deceit the rest is in God's hands.
Author nakedtruth Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Maybe. But when I read that post, this jumped out: Remember the circumstances-- The OP is 5 months pg and on bedrest. She lost her last baby (very traumatic experience) at 5 months pg. She must be ready to supply what he needs at this highly emotional time? Spouses and parent (esp parents) need to be able to cope when things get tough. Sometimes things are tough for BOTH parents at one (as in these circumstances), and we still have to be responsible adults and cope. It simply isn't reasonable to expect your spouse to be ready to shift into sexpot mode every time you are stressed--esp if she has reason to be equally stressed. Thank you for helping me realize my complaints are valid.
jenifer1972 Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Some "deficiencies" in the marriage he is trying to fill? Ah, yeah, I don't know what is wrong with her not fulfilling his needs! HELLO!!! This woman is on BEDREST with a HIGH RISK PREGNANCY... He himself said he would not forgive you for a long time if the tables were turned. Maybe he should be forced to drink some of his own medicine for awhile.!
Toodamnpragmatic Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I did not read closely the OP and missed the bed rest issue. He should be by your side and honest with his feelings and concerns. Fingers crossed that all works out with the pregnancy.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I did not read closely the OP and missed the bed rest issue. He should be by your side and honest with his feelings and concerns. Fingers crossed that all works out with the pregnancy.
Married_and_Lonely Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 (edited) ..as far as I go the stress has caused me to end up in the hospital indefinitely until this baby comes and I am fighting to keep and each day is a blessing.... the fact that he realizes that he is partly the reason I am in the hospital is punishment enough for lies and deceit the rest is in God's hands. okay, i hope that you and baby will be okay and I know you're going through alot of emotions and hormones are off the chart, BUT..... .... it's a bit much to be blaming your husband lying to you about going to a strip club on you being in the hospital until delivery! you seem to be holding on to this victim role here quite easily. You've caught your husband doing something shameful, and now you're going to punish him as much as you possibly can, and now you're even exploiting your unfortunate hospitalization as further means to mentally punish him. This isn't healthy. You've got too much going on right now. Right now priority 1 and 2 are you and baby. Everything else can wait. Try to forgive him for his mistep, reconcile, and stop with the blame game. As far as improving your marital intimacy, just get your husband to agree with you that you both want it and that you'll work on it at a later date when your life isn't so upside down. Best wishes to your health. Edited July 28, 2010 by Married_and_Lonely
Author nakedtruth Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 okay, i hope that you and baby will be okay and I know you're going through alot of emotions and hormones are off the chart, BUT..... .... it's a bit much to be blaming your husband lying to you about going to a strip club on you being in the hospital until delivery! you seem to be holding on to this victim role here quite easily. You've caught your husband doing something shameful, and now you're going to punish him as much as you possibly can, and now you're even exploiting your unfortunate hospitalization as further means to mentally punish him. This isn't healthy. You've got too much going on right now. Right now priority 1 and 2 are you and baby. Everything else can wait. Try to forgive him for his mistep, reconcile, and stop with the blame game. As far as improving your marital intimacy, just get your husband to agree with you that you both want it and that you'll work on it at a later date when your life isn't so upside down. Best wishes to your health. Thank you for your wishes. I'm not playing any "role" I havent badgered him... I am just telling you guys my feelings...and right now the baby IS my concern.
Author nakedtruth Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 I did not read closely the OP and missed the bed rest issue. He should be by your side and honest with his feelings and concerns. Fingers crossed that all works out with the pregnancy. Thank you... no hard feelings you were just tell me what you thought and I was telling you my thoughts, I'm glad to have an outlet.
Married_and_Lonely Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Thank you for your wishes. I'm not playing any "role" I havent badgered him... I am just telling you guys my feelings...and right now the baby IS my concern. Glad to hear it. I look forward to hearing about the birth of your beautiful baby.
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