Can't Trust My Husband

[nakedtruth]

I'm new to this but I find that this is the only way I can cope with this right now. I was going through the mail and found my husbands credit card statement which is not abnormal but when I peeked in I saw a huge bill so that made me more curious so I look at the charges. All were ok except for one, it was a strip club. Now before I go more into this, a little background. My husband, when I married him, he was a straight shooter and I mean no drinking no smoking no strip clubs and although I know some people may think that these things are not so bad I just thought I found a rare person someone kinda like me. Anyways, present day, I confront by calling him at work and he first without hesitation says I have to call the CC company because that is a mistake. I tell him that I'm not naive or stupid and he should just fess up. He comes home 4 hrs later and sits down and tells me that he has been under a lot of pressure at work and he wasn't thinking and he just ended up at the club and had a few drinks. I tell him a few drinks don't cost that much so the truth slowly comes out that he had 3 lap topless lap dances with the women gyrating on him and boobs rubbing all over. So I ask well did you enjoy it and I know stupid question and he says yes and no because he regrets it. My mind starts turning, and I realize that a month back he was running late coming home by 3 hrs so I called him and he picks up and I hear music and a female voice and click hangs up in 30 secs. Call back he doesnt answer. He calls me back 10 mins later and tells me he's on his way home and was at a bar with some friends. All the while I am at home 5 months pregnant waiting for him. I can't get over this... am I over reacting? Can't stop crying and thinking what happened? Who is this person I am married to? I mean we have been together for 7 years and he is/was my best friend we could talk about anything but I realize that's not really true for him. Instead of coming home to me he went to strip club to deal with his problems. I just never thought I would have to deal with this (should have known better) but now that I am having to deal with I don't know where to start...desperately seeking advice.

Edited July 23, 2010 by nakedtruth

[Toodamnpragmatic]

it is Friday night....

 

I'll be blunt.... Yes you are over reacting.... Yes be vigil and don't be naive.... But frankly in the big picture if all it is, is a couple of lap dances, no big deal....

 

Heck if my wife had some lap dances came home and jumped me, I'd spring for her next trip.......:rolleyes: We are sexual beings......

[Alma Mobley]

Did you two have a talk before this happened about boundaries? Did he know how you felt about lap dances? People don't often talk about it -- they just assume the other person knows what the other considers appropriate boundaries. My husband and I have discussed what we each consider inappropriate and/or cheating.

 

If he didn't know your feelings about the issue, I would forgive him this once but make it clear that you do not want it to happen again. And if you choose to forgive, you really have to forgive and not bring it up again. Just make sure he knows your boundaries.

 

Good luck.

[nakedtruth]

First of all thank you for replying....

 

And just to clear some things up ... today is Friday night ... this incident happened on a Thursday in the afternoon a month ago and I just found out yesterday..he went alone..it wasn't even like a boys night out which i guess doesnt matter because I still would feel the same and maybe it's no big deal to you because you are a man and for some reason watching or the idea of someone else rubbing up on your SO appeals to you ... it obviously doesnt to me

 

As far as boundries go I might have mentioned to him in passing that strip clubs don't bother me if you are going with a group of guys for something like a bachelor party but no lap dances no touching just looking... didn't have a big discussion over it.

Edited July 24, 2010 by nakedtruth

[xxoo]

Instead of coming home to me he went to strip club to deal with his problems..

 

This part would particularly hurt me, too.

 

Also, I'd be hurt that I had to "discover" his visit on a credit card. A lap dance might be "no big deal" to many people, but why didn't he tell you? He didn't tell you because he knew you'd be upset.

 

Take some time and sort out what the key issues are for you, personally. Is it about the lap dance? Or the money? Or the lie of omission? Or the pregnancy involved? Get really specific, in your own mind, about what bothers you, and then bring those specific issues to him. Strip clubs can be too easily dismissed as "guy stuff" or "nothing" without considering the factors specific to each couple and situation.

[Alma Mobley]

Hi nakedtruth,

 

I wanted you to know that I am NOT one of those who think lap dances are no big deal. My husband knows this as I have told them no lap dances and have said pretty much the same as you -- strip clubs are fine in certain contexts, eg a bachelor party.

 

I also agree with xxoo's advice above.

[Enchanted Girl]

it is Friday night....

 

I'll be blunt.... Yes you are over reacting.... Yes be vigil and don't be naive.... But frankly in the big picture if all it is, is a couple of lap dances, no big deal....

 

Heck if my wife had some lap dances came home and jumped me, I'd spring for her next trip.......:rolleyes: We are sexual beings......

 

People are allowed to have their own standards in this area.

 

One thing I hate is that I talk to so many women who absolutely hate strip clubs and other things like this and a lot of men who are okay with it, but society tells us that the men are in the right here and that women who are not okay with it should just suck it up. As if that isn't sexist at all.

 

She is a person, too, and she doesn't have to have the same standards in this area as you do. I honestly don't care that you would be fine with all this. I'd never criticize you for going to strip clubs while in a relationship or your wife for doing the same (unless it was causing the two of you to fight.) But I don't think there's anything wrong with her attitude either and I don't blame her for having it.

[SammySunh]

hi OP ...

 

be grateful your husband didnt do what i did and you can forgive him. show him my story and he will know the kind of pain he is headed for. forgive him and your marriage will be stronger. it could be a lot worse.

 

im not linking to the story, cuz that will look like self promotion, but it shouldnt hard to find the Hell on Earth link.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

People are allowed to have their own standards in this area.

 

One thing I hate is that I talk to so many women who absolutely hate strip clubs and other things like this and a lot of men who are okay with it, but society tells us that the men are in the right here and that women who are not okay with it should just suck it up. As if that isn't sexist at all.

 

She is a person, too, and she doesn't have to have the same standards in this area as you do. I honestly don't care that you would be fine with all this. I'd never criticize you for going to strip clubs while in a relationship or your wife for doing the same (unless it was causing the two of you to fight.) But I don't think there's anything wrong with her attitude either and I don't blame her for having it.

 

I don't do strip clubs or lap dances fyi.... What I said is in the "Big Picture" you have to look at the situation and where it falls. I also said she should be vigil and attentive and see whether this is a one-time thing or a pattern and how it affects their lives.....

 

I don't condone it, was just giving a males opinion and if she keeps harping on him or is self righteous she is going to make both of them miserable.....

[nakedtruth]

I don't do strip clubs or lap dances fyi.... What I said is in the "Big Picture" you have to look at the situation and where it falls. I also said she should be vigil and attentive and see whether this is a one-time thing or a pattern and how it affects their lives.....

 

I don't condone it, was just giving a males opinion and if she keeps harping on him or is self righteous she is going to make both of them miserable.....

 

I understand what you are saying and I realize because I love him so much and want this marriage to work I should try to find a way to allow him to mend what he has broken..but and this is a BIG BUT... he knows that if the tables were turned and I was the one to do what he did he would not be able to forgive me...for example we did end up talking until 4am last night about it all and I point blank said that "I'm so torn on how to deal with this because I am madly in love with you and so my question is what would you do if I let someone rub all up on me?" He said "I would not be able to forgive u for a LONG time because I don't want anyone touching you except me" .... and now we have a baby on the way...if I can't find a way to forgive him and live our marriage peacefully then I am also dragging my child through this right?

 

Anyways, the thing is I want to fix it but every time I try to look past it in my mind I see him with someone giving him an erection rubbing her junk on his...how do I stop it?

 

P.S. I realize that it was just a lap dance but in his and my eyes that's cheating and if he is capable of knowingly cheating on me what's going to stop him the next time he goes even further?

Edited July 24, 2010 by nakedtruth

[lolalove]

I understand what you are saying and I realize because I love him so much and want this marriage to work I should try to find a way to allow him to mend what he has broken..but and this is a BIG BUT... he knows that if the tables were turned and I was the one to do what he did he would not be able to forgive me...for example we did end up talking until 4am last night about it all and I point blank said that "I'm so torn on how to deal with this because I am madly in love with you and so my question is what would you do if I let someone rub all up on me?" He said "I would not be able to forgive u for a LONG time because I don't want anyone touching you except me" .... and now we have a baby on the way...if I can't find a way to forgive him and live our marriage peacefully then I am also dragging my child through this right?

 

Anyways, the thing is I want to fix it but every time I try to look past it in my mind I see him with someone giving him an erection rubbing her junk on his...how do I stop it?

 

P.S. I realize that it was just a lap dance but in his and my eyes that's cheating and if he is capable of knowingly cheating on me what's going to stop him the next time he goes even further?

 

If he really cares about you, he'll stop doing what upsets you so much. So what if he thinks it's ok. He should care how you feel. If he's not willing to turn the tables, what excuse does he make for doing something you find unforgivable as well? If I knew that something I did bothered my H to the point of tears and heartache, I would stop...because I love him. If your H loves you, he'll respect your wishes. You may not be able to get those images out of your mind for a while, but at least if he stops, there won't be any future images to deal with. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[lolalove]

P.S. I realize that it was just a lap dance but in his and my eyes that's cheating and if he is capable of knowingly cheating on me what's going to stop him the next time he goes even further?

 

I forgot to add, don't downplay the lap dance. He's turning to someone else what he should turn to only you for.

[spriggig]

I haven't been to one in 13 years. I've gone maybe five times, always with friends as part of a night out. Honestly, for the guys I went with and myself, a strip club is only slightly more erotic than Playboy--because it's 3D. And, in case you don't know, most men over the age of 16 really DO read Playboy for the articles.

 

I might have mentioned to him in passing that strip clubs don't bother me if you are going with a group of guys for something like a bachelor party but no lap dances no touching just looking

 

So, you "might" have mentioned this? Did clearly tell him "no lap-dances"? And, if you can't remember then why should he remember?

 

Take your loving husband by the hand and draw the line for him now. Kiss him, tell him you love him and you forgive him (even if you haven't quite yet) and let this drop. Strip clubs are boring, really. He won't go again if you don't want him too. Soon your baby will be here and you'll both be too busy to worry about these little things.

 

Lap-dance? Please, let it go already. You two have a great life together ahead.

[Mimolicious]

I haven't been to one in 13 years. I've gone maybe five times, always with friends as part of a night out. Honestly, for the guys I went with and myself, a strip club is only slightly more erotic than Playboy--because it's 3D. And, in case you don't know, most men over the age of 16 really DO read Playboy for the articles.

 

 

 

So, you "might" have mentioned this? Did clearly tell him "no lap-dances"? And, if you can't remember then why should he remember?

 

Take your loving husband by the hand and draw the line for him now. Kiss him, tell him you love him and you forgive him (even if you haven't quite yet) and let this drop. Strip clubs are boring, really. He won't go again if you don't want him too. Soon your baby will be here and you'll both be too busy to worry about these little things.

 

Lap-dance? Please, let it go already. You two have a great life together ahead.

 

I agree with some of this. BTW, I am a female (hence the pink Loubies) and I go to strip clubs. I rather go to strip clubs than to go to a dance club and no I am not Bi. I used to go with my xH and it never bothered me. I know that you feel like the world is ending and partly may be because you ARE also hormonal. Doesn't sound like your H is out of control either so maybe you should try not spazzing out about this. One, is not good for the baby and two, is not like you have found him having an affair. You make this into a constant nag-factor and you may push him away to something else. Tell him how you feel.

 

Trust me, it can be at lot worse...

[OpenBook]

What really pisses ME off is the fact that he hid it from you and lied to you about it when you found the charge on the credit card bill... even going so far as to tell YOU to call the cc company and tell them it was a mistake. WTF??!? What an embarrassing and humiliating experience that would have been for you - not to mention screwing around with your credit in this economy?!!?!??

 

I'd be REALLY angry with him for this poor treatment if I were in your shoes. Don't EVER discount your own emotions, to anyone - LS posters here, your H, no one. You have EVERY RIGHT to be upset and lay down the law to him. That was a really crappy thing for him to do to you, especially when you're halfway through a pregnancy carrying his child. He needs to be easing your stress right now, not adding to it. He's being a jerk and you need to yank a knot in him!!!

[nakedtruth]

Everyone here makes a good point and I am starting realize that if I didn't care so much about him I wouldn't be dwelling on this issue and nothing would stop me from leaving him. This is the part that's so hard.

As far as the pregnancy goes, I was pregnant last year too and I lost the baby at 5 months... if anyone knows what it feels like to have to give birth knowing that your baby will only survive 2 hours with you...then you can understand why this "lap dance" is more than just that.. it's a the worst thing on earth for him to do right now when I am again at 5 months because he knows I am a high risk pregnancy and I am also on complete bed rest I only get out of the house once a week to go see the doctor...

 

Why go at this juncture in our life? I mean how much could he love me? Since this has happened he claims he loves me so much that he can't imagine his life without me or the baby and he has even broken down to tears more than once...when he cries all I want to do is comfort him... I think I am way more invested in this relationship than he is and so I think I will eventually come to terms with all this but I just wanted to make clear to everyone that in my highly emotional and fragile state every little thing is 10 times as worse and perhaps the men don't get that but I know you women do.

[BellaBellaBella]

The deed is done. You love your husband. How about setting some things in place to make recovery possible.

 

1) going to MC

2) him going to individual therapy

3) no bars or strip clubs unless your togather

4) complete transparency, cell and computer

5) with you on bedrest, all calls returned within the minute

 

Make it whatever you want. There is a book called after the affair that might be helpful. You have stated you consider it cheating. Treat it as an affair.

[Married_and_Lonely]

Another male perspective:

 

Forgiveness can be tough thing, and ironically those we love most are the ones we often have the most trouble forgiving.

 

You have every right to be upset. What he did was wrong and he obviously knew you didn't approve of the behavior or he wouldn't have tried so hard to cover it up when you asked about the CC charge. I can understand you being upset about his lying, but in the moment when being attacked by an irate pregnant wife on the telephone, we men panic and start making up excuses. "Yes honey, I went to a strip club" I know sounds like a better, more honest thing to say, but it's not like we men have a day to write out and prepare our response. He had 1-2 seconds to come up with an excuse for something that he knew didn't have a good excuse. Wrong? Yes. What would 99% of men have done? Same thing. So, you have the right to be angry and hurt, but let's not burn him at the stake for being dishonest on the phone. The real issue is the act itself, not the inability to come clean on the phone 1-2 seconds after his brain is saying, "oh *****, what do I do now?"

 

Unless he's exhibited a pattern of poor decision making and habitual lying, I definitely don't think you should be considering leaving him or ending you rmarriage. He made a mistake, but it's obvious that he loves you and its eating him up that he hurt you. He loves you very much. Good luck finding another man that won't make a mistake. If you're a spiritual person, pray to God for the ability to forgive your H. You can still be hurt while forgiving your H.

 

I think women that are the most put off by stripclubs are those with insecurities, either with themself or their marriage or both. The fact that he chose that outlet to relieve his stress and receive affection suggests that there's some deficiencies in your marriage in that area. I'm not saying it's your fault. Obviously you've been through a lot these last few years with the miscarriages and only a woman knows how much pain that causes emotionally. And he should be understanding of that, but when men have unmet physical needs, even if we know we're wrong, we'll still be tempted to seek a bandaid for those unmet needs and tripping up and making a mistake due to a poor choice is somewhat likely.

 

So make a decision. Do you want to be pissed off eternally and push him away even more, or do you want to forgive and try to address the underlying marital issues so you can have a strong marriage?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Another male perspective:

 

Forgiveness can be tough thing, and ironically those we love most are the ones we often have the most trouble forgiving.

 

You have every right to be upset. What he did was wrong and he obviously knew you didn't approve of the behavior or he wouldn't have tried so hard to cover it up when you asked about the CC charge. I can understand you being upset about his lying, but in the moment when being attacked by an irate pregnant wife on the telephone, we men panic and start making up excuses. "Yes honey, I went to a strip club" I know sounds like a better, more honest thing to say, but it's not like we men have a day to write out and prepare our response. He had 1-2 seconds to come up with an excuse for something that he knew didn't have a good excuse. Wrong? Yes. What would 99% of men have done? Same thing. So, you have the right to be angry and hurt, but let's not burn him at the stake for being dishonest on the phone. The real issue is the act itself, not the inability to come clean on the phone 1-2 seconds after his brain is saying, "oh *****, what do I do now?"

 

Unless he's exhibited a pattern of poor decision making and habitual lying, I definitely don't think you should be considering leaving him or ending you rmarriage. He made a mistake, but it's obvious that he loves you and its eating him up that he hurt you. He loves you very much. Good luck finding another man that won't make a mistake. If you're a spiritual person, pray to God for the ability to forgive your H. You can still be hurt while forgiving your H.

 

I think women that are the most put off by stripclubs are those with insecurities, either with themself or their marriage or both. The fact that he chose that outlet to relieve his stress and receive affection suggests that there's some deficiencies in your marriage in that area. I'm not saying it's your fault. Obviously you've been through a lot these last few years with the miscarriages and only a woman knows how much pain that causes emotionally. And he should be understanding of that, but when men have unmet physical needs, even if we know we're wrong, we'll still be tempted to seek a bandaid for those unmet needs and tripping up and making a mistake due to a poor choice is somewhat likely.

 

So make a decision. Do you want to be pissed off eternally and push him away even more, or do you want to forgive and try to address the underlying marital issues so you can have a strong marriage?

 

Women may not like to hear it, but so much of how we feel as men and what we are looking for in terms of affirmation in our lives, if we have a good marriage revolves around affection and physical attention. We want to feel desired and attractive. Yes it goes both ways, but we are dealing with this post here.

 

Again the post above hit the nail on the head. Let it fester and pick on it, do not forgive or hold it above him and you are headed down a bad road.

Edited July 26, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[xxoo]

All the details about the lost baby at 5 months, currently being 5 months pg, bedrest....adds a lot of emotional weight to the situation. I can completely see why you are devastated by this discovery right now. I am so sorry for your lost baby, and your current pain

 

The timing, though....I can also see why he screwed up right now. The 5 month mark was approaching....he has fears, anxieties, worries....he doesn't want to burden you, on bedrest, with his issues......feels pressure to be "strong"....he needs an outlet.....he does something stupid. It is the perfect storm, so to speak. It doesn't excuse his behavior, but maybe explains his state of mind.

 

To forgive and heal, I'd need to have talks about what drove him to go to the club, knowing I'd be upset. I'd need to know what he'd do differently if feeling the same way in the future. It would be important to me that he accepted full responsibility for making a bad choice--even if lap dances aren't the end of the world. In the end, like your title suggests, it is about trust.

[Minnie09]

Yes, it is about trust and only trust.

However, why on earth does he need an outlet? If he is in a stressful period of his life right now, why can't he turn and talk to his SO, or a friend who understands him?

How can paying for and consuming a lapdance be considered an "outlet"? I don't understand.

As far as I'm concerned, that is just one more lame excuse in order to sugarcoat disrespectful, inconsiderate and selfish behavior.

Please correct me if I'm wrong.

[CrayonAngel]

First of all..I am so sorry for your pain. This is like reading one of my posts the about a year ago. It hurts to think the person you love will pay someone to betray your trust, belittle you, and strip you of most of your confidence. My H and I had boundaries in place and he still did it and lied up until he couldn't anymore. I know it feels like the pain will never go away, I know it feels like somedays you just don't wannna do it anymore. I remember waking up for about 4 months thinking..."ahh crap why am I still here?" It wasn't just the strip club in my case. There were other things going on and the lies just festered up. YOu will feel alright again, you will trust him again. It just takes time and work. Please don't imagine it or ask anymore questions..I did this and It just hurt worse. At the end of the day the one thing that helped me get through it is knowing that MOST of these women at the SC aren't wife material, or mother material...they are simply a cheap thrill with no self respect. You are an honest loving woman with integrity and you don't deserve this.

[TLCbear]

What really pisses ME off is the fact that he hid it from you and lied to you about it when you found the charge on the credit card bill... even going so far as to tell YOU to call the cc company and tell them it was a mistake. WTF??!? What an embarrassing and humiliating experience that would have been for you - not to mention screwing around with your credit in this economy?!!?!??

 

I totally agree! I'm not sure what's her core reason for being upset, however, mine is definitely the hiding and lying. The strip club/lap dance is not the core problem at all. Makes you wonder what else he's hiding or lying about. And yes, while I may understand why he didn't tell her and hid it, however, I would rather have the truth anyday than a lie and would rather tell the truth than have it to come back and bite me in ass...because eventually, it always does.

[Married_and_Lonely]

Getting mad and demanding an explanation and an apology and demanding that he promise he'll never go again is not going to stop him from going.

 

This likely wasn't his first time to do this, regardless of his likely promise that he'd never done it before. This was probably just his first time to get reckless and use his credit card and get caugh. In the future, he'll probably go again and just be more careful to not get caught if all you do is get mad at him until this eventually blows over with time.

 

I agree with XXOO's advice. Ask him why he felt the need to go there? What does he get there that he doesn't get at home? Did he miss feeling desired and attractive and used an unhealthy means to that end? If you can talk, understand, and address the core issues in the marriage that contributed to this behavior, then you have a chance at preventing him from going again. Otherwise, I don't even think threatening divorce would be a full proof way of stopping him.

 

I'm in no way saying that his behavior is the OP's fault. But I assume preventing this behavior in the future is the primary goal; getting mad and denying him even more physical attention will actually achieve the opposite - it'll ensure he goes again.

Edited July 26, 2010 by Married_and_Lonely

[nddb]

Not your fault. That's the first thing.

 

But understand that when men are severely stressed, we look for relief. At that time, we are not logical. We simply need to de-stress.

 

It can be alcohol, it can be exercise (not appealing to some), could be masturbation, could be trolling craigslist for ads, could be strip club, could be anything.

 

But we look for least emotional cost, quick stress-relief thing. Don't make us pursue you, go through the whole spiel when we are already running on empty.

 

If you are not providing it (whatever "it" is, he'll look for " it" elsewhere. Period. Now it's unfair--what about you, you say. Well, life is not all logical.

 

If you have a good life so far, forgive and forget but set boundaries. Have a code word. Next time, he's stressed, he can say he needs some TLC (whatever codeword you want to use) and be ready to supply what he needs. Get out that lingerie, pamper him, and give him something to smile big about.

 

Then tell him you expect him to do the same for you when you need it. Meaning if you are stressed, he should be ready with dinner and candlelights, bottle of massage oil, soothing music, etc.

 

Or don't. Stand your ground, insist on making him fall on his sword (lol) and guilt-trip him, embarrass him, torment him emotionally, and make him pay. And he'll find a way to do it without your knowledge next time. Like using a pre-paid CC during lunch.

 

P.S. My wife's attitude is "if you want to go, go. The skanks will rip you off and you get nothing there that wouldn't be available at home 24/7". And you know what? She's right. I haven't been for 14 years--the last time was a bachelor party and we got bored out of our mind and ended up going to a cigar lounge.