Circular Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I think its a power trip. I got that from mine too - and she broke it repeatedly. I wont say that I havents broken it - i broke it times in total in 6 weeks - her 3 times in the last week alone... hehehehehe.... I think they just want to know how much control they have over us, and to see if we are still the emotional punching bad for them... It's partially a control thing. The other way to look at is a validator that they were right in their decision. Think of it this way from the dumper point of view: You and your GF have been going out for 6 months, but you just don't feel it's the right fit and after an argument you think 'this is the best time' so you pull the proverbial plug on the relationship (This is a very common way of doing it, its why people seem to argue more at the end of a relationship, build up the resentment and animosity to say 'see ya!'). Now, lets say a week or so goes by and you've heard anything from your ex; sure you're the dumper but "Damn how can she move on so fast??", its almost reverse psychology. She's completely broken your reference frame, you as the dumper predicted a particular type of behavior after being with her for six months but WTF!?!?! Now, here's where the problem starts to grow. As the dumper your supposed to be the one that's moved on and out dating already... but wait, is my ex doing that?!?! Did she get the jump on me?!? Did I just get duped?!? How is it possible that she can move on faster than I did!??!?! WTF?!?! you pick up your phone and you debate for about 5 hours.... and then you text "Hey!"... and that "Hey!" is fully backloaded with all those WTFs!?!? and How dare you move on so quickly even before I've found someone... but but but... (That's why we say it's a selfish thing and to ignore those type of texts) My point here is that silence is golden because it's a punch-back, you are showing you are the better person, that you can move on, that the dumper has no control and doesn't really know the full deck of cards. The more elusive you are and unpredictable the more frustrating it can be for the dumper. Matter of fact, the best golden thing you can do is find someone else and go on a date! No matter how hard it is, even if its just as friends. So the above, though highly condensed happened to me in college. I broke up with her. It was due time and I knew there was no future for us, I pulled the plug on the relationship and she went NC for a week. Then one night she calls me crying and pleading and all and for some reason I was very unsympathetic like everyone says here it just seemed to make me more sure that my decision was right, mainly because she'd always had put up such a hardheaded front in the relationship that hearing her crying and pleading made me think "Ok, 2 years later and umpteen conversations later it takes me breaking up with you to actually really tell me how you feel!?!" Call me cold but that wasn't the kind of relationship I wanted. Then she went NC again, about 2-3 weeks later I STARTED FREAKING OUT. Sure, I was out partying with my pals but like EVERY DUMPER I had some doubts and I did love the woman, I just decided I couldn't be with her. So I drive by her house and some guy was dropping her off.... UGH! That sent me into a tailspin, next day I was at her doorstep trying to figure it all out. Fortunately for me a good friend of mine knocked some sense into me 2 days later and I ended it for good. I'm not saying this is how it always is but its to illustrate what goes through the dumpers mind. There were some very good reasons I had for breaking up with her and it was those reasons that kept me sticking by my guns in the long run. I think if the reasons were 'softer', like just being needy/insecure we could've worked around those; some personality flaws you can't. Hope that helps...
smk Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 It's partially a control thing. The other way to look at is a validator that they were right in their decision. Think of it this way from the dumper point of view: You and your GF have been going out for 6 months, but you just don't feel it's the right fit and after an argument you think 'this is the best time' so you pull the proverbial plug on the relationship (This is a very common way of doing it, its why people seem to argue more at the end of a relationship, build up the resentment and animosity to say 'see ya!'). Now, lets say a week or so goes by and you've heard anything from your ex; sure you're the dumper but "Damn how can she move on so fast??", its almost reverse psychology. She's completely broken your reference frame, you as the dumper predicted a particular type of behavior after being with her for six months but WTF!?!?! Now, here's where the problem starts to grow. As the dumper your supposed to be the one that's moved on and out dating already... but wait, is my ex doing that?!?! Did she get the jump on me?!? Did I just get duped?!? How is it possible that she can move on faster than I did!??!?! WTF?!?! you pick up your phone and you debate for about 5 hours.... and then you text "Hey!"... and that "Hey!" is fully backloaded with all those WTFs!?!? and How dare you move on so quickly even before I've found someone... but but but... (That's why we say it's a selfish thing and to ignore those type of texts) My point here is that silence is golden because it's a punch-back, you are showing you are the better person, that you can move on, that the dumper has no control and doesn't really know the full deck of cards. The more elusive you are and unpredictable the more frustrating it can be for the dumper. Matter of fact, the best golden thing you can do is find someone else and go on a date! No matter how hard it is, even if its just as friends. So the above, though highly condensed happened to me in college. I broke up with her. It was due time and I knew there was no future for us, I pulled the plug on the relationship and she went NC for a week. Then one night she calls me crying and pleading and all and for some reason I was very unsympathetic like everyone says here it just seemed to make me more sure that my decision was right, mainly because she'd always had put up such a hardheaded front in the relationship that hearing her crying and pleading made me think "Ok, 2 years later and umpteen conversations later it takes me breaking up with you to actually really tell me how you feel!?!" Call me cold but that wasn't the kind of relationship I wanted. Then she went NC again, about 2-3 weeks later I STARTED FREAKING OUT. Sure, I was out partying with my pals but like EVERY DUMPER I had some doubts and I did love the woman, I just decided I couldn't be with her. So I drive by her house and some guy was dropping her off.... UGH! That sent me into a tailspin, next day I was at her doorstep trying to figure it all out. Fortunately for me a good friend of mine knocked some sense into me 2 days later and I ended it for good. I'm not saying this is how it always is but its to illustrate what goes through the dumpers mind. There were some very good reasons I had for breaking up with her and it was those reasons that kept me sticking by my guns in the long run. I think if the reasons were 'softer', like just being needy/insecure we could've worked around those; some personality flaws you can't. Hope that helps... That is one helluva post... Not because I want her back but because it just proved a point in my break up - I have been NC for 16 days now, she has texted, random things, last one was a "supposedly" cute pic - i didnt responded to one but have been pretty strict through out - and thenI hear from a mutual acquaintance (who didnt know we wre dating) that she has been out every night, talking to people she doesnt even like etc... asking about me, etc... wow that sheds so much lights (and if in her case its not true) then thinking it is makes me feel better...
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