Mik12 Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Ok so I know its pointless going over the what if's but I really want your opinion on this. So me and my ex had been in NC for over 5 months when I decided to reinitiate contact.... the thing is I was a long way from healed so I pretty much showed all my cards from the beginning and told her I still had feelings. The following 3 months were pretty much, me trying to convince her to give us a shot... her trying to convince me to take things slow and be friends. This all ended 2 weeks ago though when I finally told her that she needed to let me do NC for real if she didnt want us to get back together... and I havent heard from her since. So anyway I was wondering what would have happened if I had initiated contact in a more casual way, what if I had accepted friendship, became best friends (as she stated she wanted) and that way maybe she would have felt that we could be together again.... worst case scenario I could have pulled the plug at anytime and then she would have felt the feeling of loss a lot more than she does now. If I had actually focused on taking things lightly and showing her a good time on a platonic level, then maybe when I decided that I couldnt be friends anymore she would have realized just how much she needed me? I know this is pretty much a moot point but I'm still really curious to know what you guys think... could things have turned out different or was being honest about my feelings the best way to go?
norajane Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I was wondering what would have happened if I had initiated contact in a more casual way, what if I had accepted friendship, became best friends (as she stated she wanted) worst case scenario I could have pulled the plug at anytime and then she would have felt the feeling of loss a lot more than she does now. No way. Worst case scenario is that you would have been the best friend sitting by watching as she dated other guys and then got a new boyfriend. Yeah, that would have been real fun for you, best friend. It wouldn't have worked, no matter what you did because YOU had feelings and wanted more, while SHE didn't have feelings and wanted less. When a girl says she wants you as a best friend post break-up, she means she's not sexually interested in you anymore but is willing to hang out with you when she's not out dating her bf.
Circular Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 This might seem counter intuitive but this is where second chances go awry over and over again. It can be explained very simply; you approached the second chance from the same exact frame where you left off in your relationship right before you broke up. Isn't that frame of reference the exact set of circumstances, feelings, expectations, etc... That led to the break-up to begin with? Why second chances typically don't work well, unless a good amount of time has passed- like 2 or more years, is because people still harbor feelings, these feelings are attached to the past, and these feelings obscure the ability to start from the beginning all over again without strong conscious effort. So instead of treating it like a new relationship, take it slow and casual, rediscover the person, instead you put "all your cards on the table" and she decided she didn't want to play cards. On a second chance, treat it like the first chance, like you don't know the person, don't fall back into the old patterns - the old patterns are what killed the relationship, remember!?!?!
Author Mik12 Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 No way. Worst case scenario is that you would have been the best friend sitting by watching as she dated other guys and then got a new boyfriend. Yeah, that would have been real fun for you, best friend. It wouldn't have worked, no matter what you did because YOU had feelings and wanted more, while SHE didn't have feelings and wanted less. When a girl says she wants you as a best friend post break-up, she means she's not sexually interested in you anymore but is willing to hang out with you when she's not out dating her bf. she invited me over to sleep and constantly said things that indicated she was interested as soon as I pulled back a little.... I doubt she has no more sexual attraction really..... but we started out as best friends before we dated for 2 years so thats why im thinking I should have tried that route.... but it makes me feel better to know that you think it wouldnt have worked, cause ive got this nagging feeling that I totally screwed up my chances
hurt and devastated Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 From what I have seen, the problem with being "friends" is the innter turmoil it will inevitably cause. You're going to try to just be a friend, while inside you're going to be dying, because you're wanting to be more than friends, wondering how long it will take, what she's thinking, etc.... Maybe this is too negative, but I think it wouldn't work unless you were totally over the fact you were a couple and approached it like you were never getting back together again.
Author Mik12 Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 From what I have seen, the problem with being "friends" is the innter turmoil it will inevitably cause. You're going to try to just be a friend, while inside you're going to be dying, because you're wanting to be more than friends, wondering how long it will take, what she's thinking, etc.... Maybe this is too negative, but I think it wouldn't work unless you were totally over the fact you were a couple and approached it like you were never getting back together again. well the way she often put it was... "I want us to be friends and if that develops into something more than im fine with that." Did I totally screw up by refusing? I told her I wanted us to try for real.. not be friends and see what happens because I didnt want to get burned again.... Now I feel like I should have taken the chance
Thorgs Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 If you were to break NC at this point it might make you look desperate or inferior. NC is really meant for the ones who got cut loose, to heal.
norajane Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 well the way she often put it was... "I want us to be friends and if that develops into something more than im fine with that." Did I totally screw up by refusing? I told her I wanted us to try for real.. not be friends and see what happens because I didnt want to get burned again.... Now I feel like I should have taken the chance Unless you were dating other people, there's no way this would have worked out for you. Because for her, friends means dating other people. "I want us to be friends and if that develops into something more than im fine with that." Translation: Let's keep hainging out as friends, and if I don't meet someone else I want to date, and if I don't fall in love with someone else, you might end up being my fall back guy. But I don't want to date you at this point, so let's see if I meet anyone else or not.
Author Mik12 Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 Unless you were dating other people, there's no way this would have worked out for you. Because for her, friends means dating other people. Translation: Let's keep hainging out as friends, and if I don't meet someone else I want to date, and if I don't fall in love with someone else, you might end up being my fall back guy. But I don't want to date you at this point, so let's see if I meet anyone else or not. So you're basically saying I did the right thing and now being back in NC is the smartest thing for me to do?
TaraMaiden Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 YES!!! NC is there for a reason. It's the only thing I can think of that should be permanent and never-ending..... Do not ever contact her again. Do not ever respond to any contact she makes with you. At all. Anything. Zip. Nada. Even - and I say this after much thought - even if she tells you she definitely wants to try again. That - after your attempts at reconciliation and the sorry episodes they turned into - is utter pie-in-the-sky Bull-do's. No way will it ever work, if it hasn't worked already. Your only hope now, to move on and get over this - is to annihilate any wishful thinking, hope, desire or yesrning. It's over, for good. Leave it that way, and just leave it Now.
Author Mik12 Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 YES!!! NC is there for a reason. It's the only thing I can think of that should be permanent and never-ending..... Do not ever contact her again. Do not ever respond to any contact she makes with you. At all. Anything. Zip. Nada. Even - and I say this after much thought - even if she tells you she definitely wants to try again. That - after your attempts at reconciliation and the sorry episodes they turned into - is utter pie-in-the-sky Bull-do's. No way will it ever work, if it hasn't worked already. Your only hope now, to move on and get over this - is to annihilate any wishful thinking, hope, desire or yesrning. It's over, for good. Leave it that way, and just leave it Now. I think thats a little extreme to be honest
Thorgs Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I think thats a little extreme to be honest It's not, NC is meant to heal the ones who were let go, not to get the ex back. Some say it is also to make the ex miss us and realize what she/he has lost and come crawling back. If that happens, it's just a bonus.
Circular Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I think thats a little extreme to be honest I agree with 90% of it - I'd only consider a second chance at this point once a few years had passes and that would be predicated on if I was at all interested, available and felt she had matured past her selfishness. For you, I think NC is best. Walk away with some dignity and self-respect. Sure, it will hurt - but we all grow from our pain and you'll be a better man for respecting yourself. Another tact (I'm not recommending this to you) is when a woman says "Lets just be friends". Say, "OK, sounds great" - and then treat her like a generic friend or acquaintance. Thing is, most people say "Lets just be friends" but what they really mean is "Please give me the attention and priority that you always have, just don't expect anything from me in return". If she had said that to you, what would you do then??
norajane Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 So you're basically saying I did the right thing and now being back in NC is the smartest thing for me to do? Depends on if you enjoy being someone's last choice fall back guy, and enjoy sitting around watching your ex date other guys and tell you all about how hot they are like she would with any best friend. If you wouldn't like that, then yes, being in NC is the smartest thing.
Author Mik12 Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 Anyway i didn really make this thread to know what my next move should be....i just wanted to know how you guys thought it would have played out if i had gone down that road
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