Almost 5 months NC and still heartbroken....Why??

[hopeless4u]

Hugs to you all, sincerely.

 

I'm not sure we ever get over The One. I pray we all do.

 

H4U, how are you feeling after last night's ladies' night out? (A lil birdie told me:cool:)

 

Love and hugs to you all.

 

 

Good night with the girls, far to much wine....as you well know;)

 

I'm just keeping busy as possible....

[pureinheart]

I had an odd thought about this.

 

I guess 'walking away' means for many of us that we're walking towards pain and grieving, and creating greater conflict in our hearts that needs to be resolved over time and walking away from something that emotionally was fulfilling.

 

Myself, I walked away from someone who for years was a good friend before the EA started, the connection we had was like what people wish for; so I suppose I'm forcing pain on myself which is counter intuitive - but I try to keep that pain in perspective that it's saving a family, her children, our mutual friends and others from feeling the pain from what transpired.

 

What I felt initially when going NC when exDM was MM was that nothing ever got played out as in a different R...any R where it just ends and what we thought would happen doesn't there is a big difference in how we heal.

 

Now that things have played out to the furthest they can I feel closure...we did that, we didn't do that, and so on.

 

I have walked away, and am starting a new life, and am happy. I don't feel thrown under the bus, I just feel done. I will still talk about exDM, he was a big part of my life during a great deal of trauma...am I over him...no, as there will always be a place in my heart for him, although I do not desire any type of contact...I am done.

[hopeless4u]

H4U...they say that it "takes years" to recover from an affair.

 

Granted, that's normally applied towards the marriage recovering...but the longer I've been here, the more I'm convinced that it takes the OW/OM nearly that long to recover as well.

 

They went through emotional hell just as the rest of the parties did.

 

It's not surprising that it takes them equally as long to recover from the damage.

 

Don't get down on yourself because it takes time and effort that you didn't expect. Just keep moving, keep doing the best for yourself to heal.

 

Thanks Owl, yeah I think you do have a point, I gave this man 2 yrs of my life and as much as I knew it was wrong I still fell in love with the man I thought he was.....silly me eh.....

[hopeless4u]

Why is this?

 

Now, I understand the M needing years to recover. I get that.

I can understand the BS needing years to recover (if the M fails).

I can almost see the WS needing years to recover.

What I do NOT get is the OW/OM needing years to recover.

 

Does anyone have any inkling of an idea of why that might be?

 

I can kind of understand where you are coming from in the respect of 'its just the end of a relationship' but I gave this man my heart, right or wrong I did.....

 

The only relationships I have had since I was D have been all long term, I don't just flit from 1 man to another and I feel like my world has been ripped apart.

 

I guess its a trust thing, he convinced me, no matter how things ended that he would never hurt me, (i had always said I would walk away if he wanted me to) and as I've said before, its not that it ended its how it ended....

[Owl]

A "rule of thumb" that I've heard for recovery after an affair is one week for every month of the affair. (This isn't apples to apples, mind you, and I'm aware of that too).

 

So it wouldn't be surprising to find out that it's closer to six months before you start feeling better.

 

Just hang in there...focus on healing, focus on moving on....try to find things to fill the time/void of where you were focused on the relationship. Take up a challenging new hobby...focus on an old one. Work out...take up martial arts, etc... All of these are also great for dealing with the stress created by your grief.

[hopeless4u]

I think it takes long on any kind of relationship. I also think takes longer for the person that didn't want to end things. If you think about it, the one that moves on with the next best thing doesn't really dwell on it nor suffers for the person they have left behind. Do I make any sense? I feel out of it this morning too...

 

Sorry that you are feeling like this H4U. Here is a big (((HUG))) for you!

 

Thanks for the (((HUG))) M, yeah I think part of my problem is thinking he has someone to lean on and although when I'm busy I'm getting by its the 'alone' time that is killing me.....

[Summer Breeze]

Thanks for the (((HUG))) M, yeah I think part of my problem is thinking he has someone to lean on and although when I'm busy I'm getting by its the 'alone' time that is killing me.....

 

It's tough when we're alone but I'd rather be alone by myself than alone with a partner. That's the loneliest feeling in the world and there's a good chance he's going through that. Stiff upper lip Brit Girl!

[hopeless4u]

Never been OW. Aren't they humans with feelings as well?

 

I see what you are saying, maybe you see it as the OW/OM are free to move on and find someone new with a clean slate. Start a new relationship that is not tainted from the start. I think this is partly true but unfortunately people develop feelings for a person and it's hard to let go. Besides, how can you move on with someone else, when you still have not let go of another?

 

I do think that some OW can just 'move on', if the feelings for the xMM were just a fun/excitement thing but for me that was never the case and like you say M, how can I 'move on' when my heart is still with him? Wouldn't that just be using some guy to make me feel better?.....Makes me no better than xMM IMO......

[BB07]

I have no great words of wisdom or wonderful advice, but I'm thinking of you and wishing that you were in a better places.

 

Hugs....

[hopeless4u]

Well...I didn't mean to imply the OW/OM is somehow less than human and not entitled to their emotions. Please don't think that.

 

I was trying to angle for something along the lines of: the OW/OM has lost a "partner" - why does it takes years to recover from that? Do they require years to recover from all failed R's? or just an A? That's what I don't get.

 

I think a break up in the A situation has that added feeling of rejection and bitterness, at least in my case it has.....

 

I believed him when he told me that he would never intentionally hurt me so I guess there is a feeling of 'I told you so' from my friends....

 

I don't know how to explain it but I have never struggled to get over someone like I have this.....

[pureinheart]

Exactly. I think that ending any relationship is traumatic.

 

I think that given the sheer intensity created in an affair for EVERYONE involved...it's far, far more damaging and devestating for everyone at the end than a "normal" relationship is.

 

I do believe that the 'recovery' is longer for everyone involved vs a "normal" relationship ending.

 

Just my thoughts. I could be wrong...but from all that I've seen on this and other forums, I think that the posts I've seen tend to support that theory.

 

In most cases that I've seen there is more than just the triangle issue...so many different senerios. Two being, the case where the WS feels betrayed, unloved for good reason...this compounds the problems...next the case where the AP is the true seductor/seductress...the manipulator that sees an open door and walks through it...this is very damaging to the WS as the guilt they feel is tremendous...

 

You know Owl, I sometimes wonder if this was not the case in my second M...the first one, no...homeboy just didn't want to be M, and after I found out what he was like, neither did I:D...

 

My second exH was extremely good looking, intelligent...the whole nine yards (he looked similar to Brad Pitt)....our M was on the rocks and my friend/neighbor I think saw the opportunity and took it...so did my other friend/neighbor:confused: (this one was a wench though, the other one was really cool).

 

We all hit vunerable points...the manipulator is the one that I have a hard time with....

[jwi71]

I don't know how to explain it but I have never struggled to get over someone like I have this.....

 

That's my question for you.

In fact, I think if you walk down that path some you might find some healing.

 

So, ask yourself "Why?"

[hopeless4u]

Hopeless (hugs))

 

Hon, I don't think you have really let go (hugs) I think you are hanging on, hoping that things will change, that he will leave his wife. I think you are clinging to that small hope. And it isn't allowing you to move forward.

 

I think you really need to purge yourself of him; it is the only way you are going to move forward.

 

I bet in time, you won't feel this love for him -- you will see him for what he really is. Right now, I don't think you are seeing him for the lying, betraying piece of crap he is. You have him on a pedestal still.

 

((hugs)) I really hope you truly begin to move forward and put this all in the past. Best of luck hon.

 

Yep as always FO, I read this and thought.....How right is that!!

 

I do still think of him as the man I fell in love with, at times though I do think of the man he is and I do feel that 'F**k You' feeling but unless I'm busy it just doesn't seem to last.

 

I have so much planned for the next few months, work, parties, holidays but I can't 'keep busy' forever can I?

 

I just feel dead inside FO, like I'm doing this routine of work, sleep, party and the in between time I'm constantly having to tell myself to 'not' think of him....its just exhausting...

 

I have phoned up about some IC today, maybe thats what I need......

[hopeless4u]

An A is still a relationship. Sure, not conventional, but it's still a developed bond between two people. I think a lot of the time and effort it takes to recover relates to how much you put in. H4U invested her heart and soul into this man; I'm not saying she was right to do so, but she gave it her all nonetheless, and she has paid the consequences of her actions. She loved this man regardless of him being married. I have been there too and invested myself similarly... almost, to my regret. To H4U, he was her day, her partner, her mate... unfortunately when it came down to it she was not his.

 

H4U, you will recover. I think it's time to stop dwelling on him now, sweetie; you've had your sadness and felt it so deeply, but you won't find your genuine happiness unless you put your all into looking for it, and that means leaving him completely behind. No more 'I wonder...', no more, 'What if...' He needs to be gone from your life. When he comes to your mind distract yourself. IT'll be hard at first but, eventually, it will work.

 

I'm not totally there myself H4U, but I am a LOT better off than I was. I don't think of him all the time anymore and when I do, I am distracted without even trying... it's as if that thought moves nowhere and now I realise this, so my brain moves elsewhere; what's the point in a thought that never develops? He's a part of my past and therefore has no place in my present except for the occasional memory.

 

(((((H4U))))) I'm rooting for you as ever and still have faith that you'll be better very soon.

 

Thanks for the (((((HUGS))))) hunny, I know I have to see him for what he is and not what I thought he was and I do some days but as I have said its the alone time I'm feeling it....

 

I am working from the crack of dawn till as late as I can and also working the weekends for the next 4 weeks so hopefully I will not have the time or the energy to dwell on him.....

[hopeless4u]

Totally agree with C here...the one major difference that I see is the unavailability to get that desired closure...it's like the MP is locked in this fortress or something and they are not "accessible"...it's much easier to have the freedom to call if you want, drop by...you know.

 

Same thing like a BF/GF R when the other finds someone right out the gate, the alone party feels "left out", like they got jilted more.

 

I know exDM was more inclined to call more when he thought I was with someone else or had moved on due to him either not thinking I deserved to be happy, or the fact that he was alone and I wasn't...like I had the upper hand or something and he did not want me to have it.

 

What C described and this post are just a few of the various issues both parties face when there is not the normal kiss my back side or feelings fade and the two parties go their separate ways...hang in there H4U

 

You got that right PIH, xMM always rang or txt when we fell out before if he thought I may have met someone, yet he'd always say I was free to 'move on'!!

 

I guess with me I still have this doubt that he is there because 'its the right thing to do'....I actually laughed as I typed that!!!

 

I really do think I need some IC!!! My head is so F**ked Up right now!!

[hopeless4u]

JW, it's a possibility, due to the nature of this R that it could take longer, especially in H4U's case...there was much trauma involved...it possibly could be less of pining for "him" and more of the trauma...

 

In most cases even if the M does break up, no matter what the circumstances the two people in the M still console each other to some degree...at least that was the case in my M...me and my ex's are still friends. They are now with other people so I don't have the "freedom" in my mind to call them at will as that would be uncool IMO. BUT, I am cool with their S so I could if I wanted to call...but don't choose to because we are D'ed.

 

In H4U's case there is not that luxury to call exMM and say I'm hurting ...you know...she has to remain NC due to circumstances.

 

The triangle was traumatic for all parties, regardless of how healthy/unhealthy the M is, they still have each other to work things out with...H4U has possibly just us and a few close friends/relatives (not minimizing by any means)...she may feel ALL alone to deal with the deep trauma of this and whatever else she is dealing with.

 

I would venture to say she is dealing with multiple traumas which will in fact cause an intensity with all matters...her senses are at a heightened state at this point...ok...ramble over:)

 

Yes, Yes and yes again PIH, I couldn't of said it better myself:o

 

Thank you x

[hopeless4u]

Exactly. I think that ending any relationship is traumatic.

 

I think that given the sheer intensity created in an affair for EVERYONE involved...it's far, far more damaging and devestating for everyone at the end than a "normal" relationship is.

 

I do believe that the 'recovery' is longer for everyone involved vs a "normal" relationship ending.

 

Just my thoughts. I could be wrong...but from all that I've seen on this and other forums, I think that the posts I've seen tend to support that theory.

 

I do think you are right Owl, I hadn't thought of this before I read your 1st post, this is the most confusing break up ever.

 

Even my D where my xH cheated on me was easier than this. With that I had the closure, I made a decision that I couldn't stay with him for both of our happiness, we are best friends now so I know it was the right decision but the ending of an A is like torture....NC is like torture....not being able to ask him how he feels and why he treated me like he did after telling me for 2 yrs how much he loved me and couldn't imagine his life without me???

[hopeless4u]

A "rule of thumb" that I've heard for recovery after an affair is one week for every month of the affair. (This isn't apples to apples, mind you, and I'm aware of that too).

 

So it wouldn't be surprising to find out that it's closer to six months before you start feeling better.

 

Just hang in there...focus on healing, focus on moving on....try to find things to fill the time/void of where you were focused on the relationship. Take up a challenging new hobby...focus on an old one. Work out...take up martial arts, etc... All of these are also great for dealing with the stress created by your grief.

 

 

I'm doing all this Owl, I'm doing everything the books tell me, I'm doing everything my friends on here tell me but it just seems like forever that this is going on, I guess I just cant help wondering if he is having his 'nice, sweet' life while I'm on my own again and having to come here for some comfort because I have no where else to go...

[hopeless4u]

It's tough when we're alone but I'd rather be alone by myself than alone with a partner. That's the loneliest feeling in the world and there's a good chance he's going through that. Stiff upper lip Brit Girl!

 

Awwww Thanks hunny, its funny you should say that, a while ago I told him how lonely I felt when he wasn't around and that was his answer, 'just because I am with her doesn't mean I'm not lonely'

 

xx

[hopeless4u]

I have no great words of wisdom or wonderful advice, but I'm thinking of you and wishing that you were in a better places.

 

Hugs....

 

Thanks hun, thinking of you too, you ok? x

[hopeless4u]

That's my question for you.

In fact, I think if you walk down that path some you might find some healing.

 

So, ask yourself "Why?"

 

I think most of my problem with letting go is the fact that when I want to shout, get angry or just ask why I can't, well I could but that would just cause even more trouble.

 

In a 'normal' R I would have that closure I guess.

 

I know that if I rang him or e mailed him and told him I was still hurting he would listen but I know that is pointless to both of us.

 

Its just the hardest place I've ever been, its like I'm doing the right thing for his M even though its ripping my heart out every minute of every day...

[RedDevil66]

Getting over someone is really a choice.

If you talk about it, think about it, you give it power to live on.

 

To get over my 11 yrs relationshiip, then my 1 yr affair with a married guy(that was more painful than the 11 yr relationship), I just got tired of giving my power away. You think about it over and over and talk about it over and over and one day, you make a choice to let go

 

5 months is not a long time, Give it time and one day you will get sick of giving these thoughs any power.

 

Hang in there

[hopeless4u]

Getting over someone is really a choice.

If you talk about it, think about it, you give it power to live on.

 

To get over my 11 yrs relationshiip, then my 1 yr affair with a married guy(that was more painful than the 11 yr relationship), I just got tired of giving my power away. You think about it over and over and talk about it over and over and one day, you make a choice to let go

 

5 months is not a long time, Give it time and one day you will get sick of giving these thoughs any power.

 

Hang in there

 

I have had those thoughts of 'why the hell am I wasting my energy on you' these are my good days....still not many of those just yet though:o

 

I do know I will get there at some stage and it does help to be able to off load my feelings on here sometimes when it all just gets to much to bottle up inside....

 

I worry because my work is suffering now, my concentration is just so off some days, like today and I don't really know what triggers it, I just put it down to putting on that brave face for a week or so then Wham, I just want to burst out crying all over again:o

[jwi71]

I have had those thoughts of 'why the hell am I wasting my energy on you' these are my good days....still not many of those just yet though:o

 

I do know I will get there at some stage and it does help to be able to off load my feelings on here sometimes when it all just gets to much to bottle up inside....

 

I worry because my work is suffering now, my concentration is just so off some days, like today and I don't really know what triggers it, I just put it down to putting on that brave face for a week or so then Wham, I just want to burst out crying all over again:o

 

Crying helps. I did plenty.

Better to let it out than keep it in.

Several months after my D I had myself a little ritual.

I destroyed every picture of my xW. I threw away everything that reminded me of her. I erased her completely (we have kids so not 100% possible but you get the idea). Spent time alone...setting goals...just getting through the days.

 

Then I went out and got laid.

 

(Maybe thats all I needed all along)

 

Look forward, not back.

 

When was the last time you went....oh...skydiving?

[Confused4Now]

Crying helps. I did plenty.

Better to let it out than keep it in.

Several months after my D I had myself a little ritual.

I destroyed every picture of my xW. I threw away everything that reminded me of her. I erased her completely (we have kids so not 100% possible but you get the idea). Spent time alone...setting goals...just getting through the days.

 

Then I went out and got laid.

 

(Maybe thats all I needed all along)

 

Look forward, not back.

 

When was the last time you went....oh...skydiving?

I did the same thing as you....I don't have any of my xW pictures I leave that up t my kids and since I walked away from my house I left her with mostly everything. I don't have any reminders of my marriage with me.

 

I did the same thing and tried to get laid but was very unsuccessful at it. So I focus on me and my kids....being alone is getting easier and easier every day. Like everyone keeps saying keep moving forward you can't go wrong.