hopeless4u Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Well as usual I'm back for advice when my heart is breaking and my head is just so full up with all this crap! Why am I still hurting so bad after almost 5 months NC? I go out with friends, I keep busy at the times we used to spend together and I really am trying to just be me but it is still killing me......as soon as I am alone I'm thinking of him and OMG...M...triggers!! His car (make, model) everywhere! I actually counted today because it got to me so much....I lost count when it hit double figues!! I really dont know if I'm wallowing or just trying to let go of a man I was really in love with?? So much more going round my head right now but need to hit send:rolleyes:
Circular Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Well, I'm just over 3 months of NC and I don't feel I've let go much, sure I have a different perspective on it all and I'm 1000x clearer on the dynamics of the relationship but I think it is just going to take time. One of the more complicated parts of the whole letting-go process and you can see it in/out of a lot of these threads because folks re-engage is that the termination of these relationships aren't emotionally normal terminations typically. There's no true closure. When you think about these relationships they end for 'other' reasons, not because the two people involved were arguing all the time, disliked each other, fell out of love, etc.. etc.. there's rarely final resolution, reconciliation, etc... I suppose it's the same grieving process one goes through when a very close friend dies, so much to say, so much lost, so unresolved and those memory ghosts haunt your present.
Author hopeless4u Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 Well, I'm just over 3 months of NC and I don't feel I've let go much, sure I have a different perspective on it all and I'm 1000x clearer on the dynamics of the relationship but I think it is just going to take time. One of the more complicated parts of the whole letting-go process and you can see it in/out of a lot of these threads because folks re-engage is that the termination of these relationships aren't emotionally normal terminations typically. There's no true closure. When you think about these relationships they end for 'other' reasons, not because the two people involved were arguing all the time, disliked each other, fell out of love, etc.. etc.. there's rarely final resolution, reconciliation, etc... I suppose it's the same grieving process one goes through when a very close friend dies, so much to say, so much lost, so unresolved and those memory ghosts haunt your present. I think the words I've bolded above hits the nail on the head Circular, the hardest thing is that I myself can't get my head round why I can't just walk away:o
Circular Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I had an odd thought about this. I guess 'walking away' means for many of us that we're walking towards pain and grieving, and creating greater conflict in our hearts that needs to be resolved over time and walking away from something that emotionally was fulfilling. Myself, I walked away from someone who for years was a good friend before the EA started, the connection we had was like what people wish for; so I suppose I'm forcing pain on myself which is counter intuitive - but I try to keep that pain in perspective that it's saving a family, her children, our mutual friends and others from feeling the pain from what transpired.
Author hopeless4u Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 I had an odd thought about this. I guess 'walking away' means for many of us that we're walking towards pain and grieving, and creating greater conflict in our hearts that needs to be resolved over time and walking away from something that emotionally was fulfilling. Myself, I walked away from someone who for years was a good friend before the EA started, the connection we had was like what people wish for; so I suppose I'm forcing pain on myself which is counter intuitive - but I try to keep that pain in perspective that it's saving a family, her children, our mutual friends and others from feeling the pain from what transpired. If I'm truely honest Circular, when I first walked away from him I believed it was for the best. He needed to sort his life out and I would get over him or so all the posts from BS and FOW have said but I'm stuggling.... I still can't get my head around walking away from a man I am and believe always will be in love with... Just not in a good place right now....
cavedweller Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 hopeless4you, My 'soul mate' dumped me over 5 years ago... I still love her and miss her...(I would take her back today) I know the pain that you are going through...
Author hopeless4u Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 hopeless4you, My 'soul mate' dumped me over 5 years ago... I still love her and miss her...(I would take her back today) I know the pain that you are going through... Yep cavedweller I think that will be me forever!! I have had more than enough offers since it ended and tbh I've tried but I just cant let him go and I kick myself everyday!!
4everloveu Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I'm sorry you still going through this pain. But hope time will help you heal. Sometime someone that hurt you the most will be the one that you remember most.
Author hopeless4u Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 I'm sorry you still going through this pain. But hope time will help you heal. Sometime someone that hurt you the most will be the one that you remember most. I'll always remember him 4elu, he has my heart and it will be a long time and a very special man that takes that from me and puts me through this kind of pain again.....
Author hopeless4u Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 Hugs.......H4U. Big ones! Thanks Hunny, its sooo rubbish that I still feel like this....I wonder sometimes if this pain in my heart will ever go away... Are you ok?? xx
BB07 Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Thanks Hunny, its sooo rubbish that I still feel like this....I wonder sometimes if this pain in my heart will ever go away... Are you ok?? xx Ahhh having a bad afternoon, but will survive. I hate the rollercoaster. Thanks for asking.
White Flower Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 I wonder sometimes if this pain in my heart will ever go away... Are you ok?? xx hopeless4you, My 'soul mate' dumped me over 5 years ago... I still love her and miss her...(I would take her back today) I know the pain that you are going through... Ahhh having a bad afternoon, but will survive. I hate the rollercoaster. Thanks for asking. Hugs to you all, sincerely. I'm not sure we ever get over The One. I pray we all do. H4U, how are you feeling after last night's ladies' night out? (A lil birdie told me:cool:) Love and hugs to you all.
Owl Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 H4U...they say that it "takes years" to recover from an affair. Granted, that's normally applied towards the marriage recovering...but the longer I've been here, the more I'm convinced that it takes the OW/OM nearly that long to recover as well. They went through emotional hell just as the rest of the parties did. It's not surprising that it takes them equally as long to recover from the damage. Don't get down on yourself because it takes time and effort that you didn't expect. Just keep moving, keep doing the best for yourself to heal.
jwi71 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 H4U...they say that it "takes years" to recover from an affair. Granted, that's normally applied towards the marriage recovering...but the longer I've been here, the more I'm convinced that it takes the OW/OM nearly that long to recover as well. They went through emotional hell just as the rest of the parties did. It's not surprising that it takes them equally as long to recover from the damage. Don't get down on yourself because it takes time and effort that you didn't expect. Just keep moving, keep doing the best for yourself to heal. Why is this? Now, I understand the M needing years to recover. I get that. I can understand the BS needing years to recover (if the M fails). I can almost see the WS needing years to recover. What I do NOT get is the OW/OM needing years to recover. Does anyone have any inkling of an idea of why that might be?
Mimolicious Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 H4U...they say that it "takes years" to recover from an affair. Granted, that's normally applied towards the marriage recovering...but the longer I've been here, the more I'm convinced that it takes the OW/OM nearly that long to recover as well. They went through emotional hell just as the rest of the parties did. It's not surprising that it takes them equally as long to recover from the damage. Don't get down on yourself because it takes time and effort that you didn't expect. Just keep moving, keep doing the best for yourself to heal. I think it takes long on any kind of relationship. I also think takes longer for the person that didn't want to end things. If you think about it, the one that moves on with the next best thing doesn't really dwell on it nor suffers for the person they have left behind. Do I make any sense? I feel out of it this morning too... Sorry that you are feeling like this H4U. Here is a big (((HUG))) for you!
Mimolicious Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Why is this? Now, I understand the M needing years to recover. I get that. I can understand the BS needing years to recover (if the M fails). I can almost see the WS needing years to recover. What I do NOT get is the OW/OM needing years to recover. Does anyone have any inkling of an idea of why that might be? Never been OW. Aren't they humans with feelings as well? I see what you are saying, maybe you see it as the OW/OM are free to move on and find someone new with a clean slate. Start a new relationship that is not tainted from the start. I think this is partly true but unfortunately people develop feelings for a person and it's hard to let go. Besides, how can you move on with someone else, when you still have not let go of another?
jwi71 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Never been OW. Aren't they humans with feelings as well? I see what you are saying, maybe you see it as the OW/OM are free to move on and find someone new with a clean slate. Start a new relationship that is not tainted from the start. I think this is partly true but unfortunately people develop feelings for a person and it's hard to let go. Besides, how can you move on with someone else, when you still have not let go of another? Well...I didn't mean to imply the OW/OM is somehow less than human and not entitled to their emotions. Please don't think that. I was trying to angle for something along the lines of: the OW/OM has lost a "partner" - why does it takes years to recover from that? Do they require years to recover from all failed R's? or just an A? That's what I don't get.
fooled once Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Hopeless (hugs)) Hon, I don't think you have really let go (hugs) I think you are hanging on, hoping that things will change, that he will leave his wife. I think you are clinging to that small hope. And it isn't allowing you to move forward. I think you really need to purge yourself of him; it is the only way you are going to move forward. I bet in time, you won't feel this love for him -- you will see him for what he really is. Right now, I don't think you are seeing him for the lying, betraying piece of crap he is. You have him on a pedestal still. ((hugs)) I really hope you truly begin to move forward and put this all in the past. Best of luck hon.
Hazyhead Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Why is this? Now, I understand the M needing years to recover. I get that. I can understand the BS needing years to recover (if the M fails). I can almost see the WS needing years to recover. What I do NOT get is the OW/OM needing years to recover. Does anyone have any inkling of an idea of why that might be? An A is still a relationship. Sure, not conventional, but it's still a developed bond between two people. I think a lot of the time and effort it takes to recover relates to how much you put in. H4U invested her heart and soul into this man; I'm not saying she was right to do so, but she gave it her all nonetheless, and she has paid the consequences of her actions. She loved this man regardless of him being married. I have been there too and invested myself similarly... almost, to my regret. To H4U, he was her day, her partner, her mate... unfortunately when it came down to it she was not his. H4U, you will recover. I think it's time to stop dwelling on him now, sweetie; you've had your sadness and felt it so deeply, but you won't find your genuine happiness unless you put your all into looking for it, and that means leaving him completely behind. No more 'I wonder...', no more, 'What if...' He needs to be gone from your life. When he comes to your mind distract yourself. IT'll be hard at first but, eventually, it will work. I'm not totally there myself H4U, but I am a LOT better off than I was. I don't think of him all the time anymore and when I do, I am distracted without even trying... it's as if that thought moves nowhere and now I realise this, so my brain moves elsewhere; what's the point in a thought that never develops? He's a part of my past and therefore has no place in my present except for the occasional memory. (((((H4U))))) I'm rooting for you as ever and still have faith that you'll be better very soon.
Hazyhead Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Hopeless (hugs)) Right now, I don't think you are seeing him for the lying, betraying piece of crap he is. You have him on a pedestal still. I agree. Hon, kick out the legs from underneath him. Go on! Then put it back up and climb up there yourself instead.
Mimolicious Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Well...I didn't mean to imply the OW/OM is somehow less than human and not entitled to their emotions. Please don't think that. I was trying to angle for something along the lines of: the OW/OM has lost a "partner" - why does it takes years to recover from that? Do they require years to recover from all failed R's? or just an A? That's what I don't get. I understand.
pureinheart Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Well, I'm just over 3 months of NC and I don't feel I've let go much, sure I have a different perspective on it all and I'm 1000x clearer on the dynamics of the relationship but I think it is just going to take time. One of the more complicated parts of the whole letting-go process and you can see it in/out of a lot of these threads because folks re-engage is that the termination of these relationships aren't emotionally normal terminations typically. There's no true closure. When you think about these relationships they end for 'other' reasons, not because the two people involved were arguing all the time, disliked each other, fell out of love, etc.. etc.. there's rarely final resolution, reconciliation, etc... I suppose it's the same grieving process one goes through when a very close friend dies, so much to say, so much lost, so unresolved and those memory ghosts haunt your present. Totally agree with C here...the one major difference that I see is the unavailability to get that desired closure...it's like the MP is locked in this fortress or something and they are not "accessible"...it's much easier to have the freedom to call if you want, drop by...you know. Same thing like a BF/GF R when the other finds someone right out the gate, the alone party feels "left out", like they got jilted more. I know exDM was more inclined to call more when he thought I was with someone else or had moved on due to him either not thinking I deserved to be happy, or the fact that he was alone and I wasn't...like I had the upper hand or something and he did not want me to have it. What C described and this post are just a few of the various issues both parties face when there is not the normal kiss my back side or feelings fade and the two parties go their separate ways...hang in there H4U
pureinheart Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Well...I didn't mean to imply the OW/OM is somehow less than human and not entitled to their emotions. Please don't think that. I was trying to angle for something along the lines of: the OW/OM has lost a "partner" - why does it takes years to recover from that? Do they require years to recover from all failed R's? or just an A? That's what I don't get. JW, it's a possibility, due to the nature of this R that it could take longer, especially in H4U's case...there was much trauma involved...it possibly could be less of pining for "him" and more of the trauma... In most cases even if the M does break up, no matter what the circumstances the two people in the M still console each other to some degree...at least that was the case in my M...me and my ex's are still friends. They are now with other people so I don't have the "freedom" in my mind to call them at will as that would be uncool IMO. BUT, I am cool with their S so I could if I wanted to call...but don't choose to because we are D'ed. In H4U's case there is not that luxury to call exMM and say I'm hurting ...you know...she has to remain NC due to circumstances. The triangle was traumatic for all parties, regardless of how healthy/unhealthy the M is, they still have each other to work things out with...H4U has possibly just us and a few close friends/relatives (not minimizing by any means)...she may feel ALL alone to deal with the deep trauma of this and whatever else she is dealing with. I would venture to say she is dealing with multiple traumas which will in fact cause an intensity with all matters...her senses are at a heightened state at this point...ok...ramble over:)
Owl Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Exactly. I think that ending any relationship is traumatic. I think that given the sheer intensity created in an affair for EVERYONE involved...it's far, far more damaging and devestating for everyone at the end than a "normal" relationship is. I do believe that the 'recovery' is longer for everyone involved vs a "normal" relationship ending. Just my thoughts. I could be wrong...but from all that I've seen on this and other forums, I think that the posts I've seen tend to support that theory.
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