pinkp Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We've spent two of those seperated off and on. He moves in he moves out. During this time I found out he was bi. Which I tried to be ok with until I realized that he had only been wit other men, no other women. This lead me to believe he is gay. On top of all these he is not responsible, stayed out all night, drinks to much, and couldnt or didnt want to contribute a fair amount to the household because he had anb apartment with a roomate. He lied and said he had to continue to pay the rent even though he lived with us(our kids and I) becuase his name was on the lease. But it wasnt, his roomate name is the only one on the lease and his roomate makes double what he does. Then I found out that the roomie is also "bi" and that he has an entire group of bi and gay friends. His basic attitude is that I can either deal with this or divorce him, we're already separated. Let me back track and say we met at church when we were 11 started dating at 16 got married at 19. By 21 had two children. Before all of this gay stuff came out we were already having issues he joined a fraternity and dematured over night. Then realized he was too young for a family and wife. At any rate at this juncture I figured I may as well start the divorce. So I have. I still want him. Thats stupid I know but I;d give anything to go back and undo everything and be with him. I just feel like there are no guysd out there, I already have two children by him. Who'll want a 23 year old ex wife with two children ? I'm angry because he lied to me. I think he's known all along he was gay bi or whatever and just never said anything about it. That pissed me off. I'm angry at myself becuase I cannot stop being sad, and thinking about him. I've considered stopping the divorce but I think it's healthier if I just went ahead and did it. Although it's killing me. I'm so depressed. I am so angry that I even try to find reasons for him not to visit the kids because I dont want to see him. His face makes me want to explode. Any advice it's welcome.
Gunny376 Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Who'll want a 23 year old ex wife with two children ? Me! All day long!
Author pinkp Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 Me! All day long! Thanks Gunny that was sweet. Send my engagement ring and we can get started ;-)
spriggig Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I married my STBX at 27, she had a four year old son. I didn't regret it for a minute--until she cheated on me, but that was unrelated.
solitary_man Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Just going to say im very moved by this because of the nature of your relationship and how it began with your h. It's gotta be difficult watching the guy you grew up with and married change like that. I know you love him, but you've really got to move on. The statistics are against you when it comes to him switching teams again. I wouldn't be surprised if the whole 'bi' thing was merely an excuse (or a lie he was telling to himself, more likely) to maintain some vestige of (semi)normal family life. Put out of your mind any worries about loneliness and consequences. There are a lot of decent (straight) guys out there that love kids. But that's beside the point. The fact is right now you need to focus on getting through this and self-healing. You've got a lot to face as a single mom of two, but I know you can do it. My mom did it too, and if nothing else, know that one day your kids are going to respect you as much as I respect my mom for getting through it as well as she did. Don't rush love, though. Please trust me on that. Knowing your husband as long as you have, you're not going to be ready for a while. Be patient with yourself and love will happen for you again some day.
YellowShark Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We've spent two of those seperated off and on. He moves in he moves out. During this time I found out he was bi. Which I tried to be ok with until I realized that he had only been wit other men, no other women. IMHO there is no such thing as "bi." He is gay and he is in denial about being gay. Sure bisexual behavior exists, but if you like to bang men, and you are a man, you are gay. I'm angry because he lied to me. I think he's known all along he was gay bi or whatever and just never said anything about it. Because IMHO he is gay and in denial. I've considered stopping the divorce but I think it's healthier if I just went ahead and did it. Although it's killing me. I'm so depressed. I am so angry that I even try to find reasons for him not to visit the kids because I dont want to see him. His face makes me want to explode. Any advice it's welcome. There is nothing wrong with being gay. But if his homosexuality is effecting the marriage, and causing you pain and doubt, perhaps he is not the right partner for you to spend the rest of your life with. Being gay doesn't make him a bad person, it just makes your idea of marriage difficult and unhealthy for you.
solitary_man Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 There is nothing wrong with being gay. I suppose I should have mentioned this. The reason I'm encouraging the OP to move on is because there's no way she's going to have a meaningful sexual relationship with her husband. Even if he was to 'humor' her, there are some valid health concerns with bisexual intercourse. I hate to sound ...paranoid, Pink, but have you thought about getting tested? I really apologize if you take that as an insult to your h... but you said yourself he's horribly irresponsible. It only takes one time without protection, ya know.
wrencn Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Being religious can cause many gay people to try to hide or deny their true sexuality. He probably tried to do what was expected of him but he's just lying to himself and to you. I agree, he is gay! Completely- and you need to move on with your life while you are still young. Don't waste another year of your life. You're going to be fine! I'm a 31 year old mother of two and I do also worry about someone else wanting me, but I realize it is silly to worry about such things right now. Hang in there!
YellowShark Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Being religious can cause many gay people to try to hide or deny their true sexuality. Two words: "Catholic Church." I hate to sound ...paranoid, Pink, but have you thought about getting tested? Definitely.
cavedweller Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 pinkp, Life is too short to put up will all of the drama... File for a divorce and move on..
Butterflair Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 His basic attitude is that I can either deal with this or divorce him, we're already separated. This is your answer. He isn't changing and you know you can't deal with it. Dealing with it means accepting it and pretending to have a real marriage. Also as said above, be sure you stop sleeping with him, get yourself tested and make sure your health is okay. As much as it hurts, get the divorce and move on with your life and put the focus on your kids. Don't worry about finding another man, I don't think you'll have a problem, you have age on your side. Good luck to you.
stillafool Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Honey please don't think no man will want a 23 year old with 2 kids as many a man will. Let this ex of yours go be with men if he wants to and protect yourself by getting tested ASAP. My 19 year old cousin got aids from her bi boyfriend. He was her first love and first sexual experience. Please, please leave him alone. You cannot risk your life because you have two little ones depending on you. You will find real love with a real man.
Author pinkp Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 I was tested for everything under the sun. Ofcourse I have to go back for the next two years every 6 mos for an HIV test. But Thank the lord, I'm well. I am going to go ahead and start the process. There is no need in holding on to something that's no more. Hopefully with me starting school this fall, my daughter starting pre k, my job and my volunteer work, I'll be too busy to get lonely. Thanks again everyone so much. This was so hard for me to talk about. I feel much better.
Rifareal Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Talk to him, thats the rightful way to deal with this scenario. I can say that he loves your children and if he is really gay and things can't be worked out as the relationship part atleast he should give his share after all he is the father of your children.
Author pinkp Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 Being religious can cause many gay people to try to hide or deny their true sexuality. He probably tried to do what was expected of him but he's just lying to himself and to you. I agree, he is gay! Completely- and you need to move on with your life while you are still young. Don't waste another year of your life. You're going to be fine! I'm a 31 year old mother of two and I do also worry about someone else wanting me, but I realize it is silly to worry about such things right now. Hang in there! Thanks sooo much. It's rough/. I've been trying to keep busy and try to pretend I am happy. I guess maybe I'll fool myself into actually being happy.
wrencn Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Thanks sooo much. It's rough/. I've been trying to keep busy and try to pretend I am happy. I guess maybe I'll fool myself into actually being happy. The fact that you are out there trying and not on the couch proves that you are doing better than most! You are a strong young woman, and this experience is going to make you even stronger. Make sure you get therapy at some point so you can learn to trust again. Keep moving forward and don't look back! You've got the rest of your life ahead of you
Author pinkp Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Sooo STBX says he wants to talk. He says he believes we will be together one day just as happy as we were. He says he has alot of issues, feels like he's lost control of himself, and that he's sad. He doesnt want to divorce. I've already filed. But something in me wants to go back and undo it. Why ? Why with all the crap he's done. It's like he'll see me happy ad trying to move on and I'll get an email, or random call or text. I deleted my FB and Twitter. Why wont he stick with LC. If he doesnt want me, and if he's gay. Why not allow me to move on. It's like he doesnt want me to be happy and move on. But he doesnt want me.
wrencn Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Sooo STBX says he wants to talk. He says he believes we will be together one day just as happy as we were. He says he has alot of issues, feels like he's lost control of himself, and that he's sad. He doesnt want to divorce. I've already filed. But something in me wants to go back and undo it. Why ? Why with all the crap he's done. It's like he'll see me happy ad trying to move on and I'll get an email, or random call or text. I deleted my FB and Twitter. Why wont he stick with LC. If he doesnt want me, and if he's gay. Why not allow me to move on. It's like he doesnt want me to be happy and move on. But he doesnt want me. He is in denial. I'm sure it is terrible for him fighting his true identity, but I'm sure you know all about the big Down Low scandal. Tell him he needs to see a therapist- not his pastor!
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