virgoman67 Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 My wife finally admitted to an affair she had over a decade ago. What bothers me is the fact the continually lied about this up until now. I had never trusted her and find that there is no way I can EVER trust her now knowing she slept with another, then lied about it for years and years. Is it wrong to feel perpetual mistrust for this?
solitary_man Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 that all depends on whether you mistrusted her before the affair or not. doesn't sound like you've ever trusted her, by your post, but that's probably me reading into the anger you're obviously feeling right now. if you take enough time to heal, i believe you can trust again. just maybe not her.
Gunny376 Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Its going to take a lot of time, a lot of talking, a lot IC, and a lot of MC. First off you've got to get the BS TV shows out of the picture, and a lot of the BS movies out of your mind. "Leave It To Beaver" is a good example. Such BS ~ actually to how real life is. In each one family there's at least one member that's gay or bi-sexual member? Women are just as likely to cheat as are men.
Disintegration Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Sorry to hear about your situation. I know it is just as difficult knowing about something that happened over a decade ago. It's very new to you so the pain is just as new even if the A isn't. I know the lying is the worst. She should have been honest then not a whole decade later. I think the more time that has passed the worse off it is. If you would have known then I think you could have made the decision to leave soon after it happened, or worked through it. You may be feeling she trapped you and made the decision for you which isn't fair. If she kept quiet this long she probably should have taken it to her grave instead of putting the burden on your shoulders. Now she has a sense of relief for confessing to her A. Yet you are left feeling torn. It is definitely going to be a long battle, and it will be difficult to regain her trust. How could you trust her again after all the lies she's been telling you for so long? I think you should give MC a shot if you want to move past this and forward with your marriage. You aren't wrong in feeling the way you do for what's it worth. Good luck, I wish you the very best.
lolalove Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 I knew someone in this situation. It took several years and a divorce, but they actually get long now better than ever... they loved each other too much. Maybe when a big secret like that gets out, it helps them grow closer? Not sure if that's the norm...but it happened.
stillafool Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 My wife finally admitted to an affair she had over a decade ago. What bothers me is the fact the continually lied about this up until now. I had never trusted her and find that there is no way I can EVER trust her now knowing she slept with another, then lied about it for years and years. Is it wrong to feel perpetual mistrust for this? No it is not wrong. You are right to distrust her and move on with your life the way you have been. Why are you still asking about this? Why does this bother you still? Tell her there is no way for reconciliation and that you are with someone else and she should move on.
cavedweller Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 67, If you can't get over it and put it behind you then file for a divorce and move on... Life is too short...
Author virgoman67 Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 Sorry to hear about your situation. I know it is just as difficult knowing about something that happened over a decade ago. It's very new to you so the pain is just as new even if the A isn't. I know the lying is the worst. She should have been honest then not a whole decade later. I think the more time that has passed the worse off it is. If you would have known then I think you could have made the decision to leave soon after it happened, or worked through it. You may be feeling she trapped you and made the decision for you which isn't fair. If she kept quiet this long she probably should have taken it to her grave instead of putting the burden on your shoulders. Now she has a sense of relief for confessing to her A. Yet you are left feeling torn. It is definitely going to be a long battle, and it will be difficult to regain her trust. How could you trust her again after all the lies she's been telling you for so long? I think you should give MC a shot if you want to move past this and forward with your marriage. You aren't wrong in feeling the way you do for what's it worth. Good luck, I wish you the very best. You have hit the nail on the head! Yes, I definitely feel/felt trapped and that she controlled the situation back then by NOT being honest and forcing us to continue in our marriage by living a lie. I felt I was robbed of the opportunity to decide either to work through the issue or leave back then. Now, I am leaving her, but will always be there for our two sons...I'm leaving her as a husband, but will remain a father. Life is too short to be with someone you have never and will never trust.
Author virgoman67 Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 No it is not wrong. You are right to distrust her and move on with your life the way you have been. Why are you still asking about this? Why does this bother you still? Tell her there is no way for reconciliation and that you are with someone else and she should move on. Yea, I agree. I guess it bothers me because she wants counseling and to try and work through it and I don't. It is time for me to move on and eventually find happiness and trust elsewhere.
karnak Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Everyone makes mistakes. But everyone must also assume their errors and try to amend them. The bad thing here is that your wife decided to "swipe it under the rug" as if nothing ever happened.
Butterflair Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I'm wondering why she chose to tell you now when she has kept it a secret for so long. What did she hope to gain or what was the motive? Something seems off here.
Author virgoman67 Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 I'm wondering why she chose to tell you now when she has kept it a secret for so long. What did she hope to gain or what was the motive? Something seems off here. She said she was tired of carrying the burden of guilt. Plus, I just kept hampering her with questions on what really happened because I just had a strong feeling she never came clean with me other the years. I felt "haunted" and that there was no true closure to that period of time in our marriage back then. Other problems and disagreements over the years had also overcome our marriage and we were talking separation and divorce. I guess she felt confessing would ease her guilt. I'm not saying all of our faults and problems were/are her fault as I was no where near perfect myselft. However, I felt the line was crossed when she actually slept with another man, then hid it for over 10 years. I feel I have to move on in order to experience peace, trust and happiness.
HopelessinDTW Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 She said she was tired of carrying the burden of guilt. Plus, I just kept hampering her with questions on what really happened because I just had a strong feeling she never came clean with me other the years. I felt "haunted" and that there was no true closure to that period of time in our marriage back then. Other problems and disagreements over the years had also overcome our marriage and we were talking separation and divorce. I guess she felt confessing would ease her guilt. I'm not saying all of our faults and problems were/are her fault as I was no where near perfect myselft. However, I felt the line was crossed when she actually slept with another man, then hid it for over 10 years. I feel I have to move on in order to experience peace, trust and happiness. Incredible that she was able to keep that from you for so long. That to me says a lot about her. Your decision is a personal choice based on what you are willing to put up with, and your particular situation. My personal feelings are that if she kept that secret from you for 10 years...which in effect is lying to you for 10 years!!!...then you are doing the correct thing by moving on. How can you expect her to change? How can you rebuild trust in someone who has basically lied to you for 10 years?? I have completely lost trust in my stbx because I realize that she has effectively lied to me for a majority of our marriage by not telling me how she felt about our M/R. she kept me in the dark for years, and then at the end told me it was my fault for our M/R going bad, and that she had no choice but find an OM. Good luck in the future, ad hope that once again you can learn to trust.
Author virgoman67 Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 Incredible that she was able to keep that from you for so long. That to me says a lot about her. Your decision is a personal choice based on what you are willing to put up with, and your particular situation. My personal feelings are that if she kept that secret from you for 10 years...which in effect is lying to you for 10 years!!!...then you are doing the correct thing by moving on. How can you expect her to change? How can you rebuild trust in someone who has basically lied to you for 10 years?? I have completely lost trust in my stbx because I realize that she has effectively lied to me for a majority of our marriage by not telling me how she felt about our M/R. she kept me in the dark for years, and then at the end told me it was my fault for our M/R going bad, and that she had no choice but find an OM. Good luck in the future, ad hope that once again you can learn to trust. Good luck to you as well. I truly believe she has made some changes and is a better person now, however, I simply cannot trust her anymore. The constant denials and lieing over the years, coupled with other head butting we've experienced have left me no longer WANTING our marriage. I grew tired of staying around just for our kids and money. I realize in order to be a happy person, I need to start over with another woman who is humble and sincere and I can fully trust. I also not the type of man who can stay with a woman knowing she let another man physically and emotionally into her life...I can't and won't ever look at her right again.
HopelessinDTW Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Good luck to you as well. I truly believe she has made some changes and is a better person now, however, I simply cannot trust her anymore. The constant denials and lieing over the years, coupled with other head butting we've experienced have left me no longer WANTING our marriage. I grew tired of staying around just for our kids and money. I realize in order to be a happy person, I need to start over with another woman who is humble and sincere and I can fully trust. I also not the type of man who can stay with a woman knowing she let another man physically and emotionally into her life...I can't and won't ever look at her right again. Thank you, everyday is a struggle...but I'm getting through it. Stick to your morals, and never compromise on what you feel is most important. I am with you in that trust and honesty/humbleness is a must. You need to project this in your life so that your kids can see it as well. You say you need to be with another woman to be a happy person...no you have to find happiness within you to be a happy person. Only then can you be happy with another. This is tough to understand, but think about it hard. You cannot expect to be happy just because you found someone who fits the bill. Anyways..you're on the right track and now is your chance to start your 'new' life with more knowledge about yourself, and who you want to be with.
carhill Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 I'm wondering why she chose to tell you now when she has kept it a secret for so long. What did she hope to gain or what was the motive? Something seems off here. Based on the OP's talk about their sons, I assume the affair happened early in the M. W has a lot more to gain/preserve financially (and socially) now than prior. Fully disclosing, choosing to pursue counseling will help her clarify her psyche and move on relatively cleansed. She did 'all the right things to rectify the wrong' and get the commensurate judgment and custody arrangement. Clean. Well considered. IME, at the better end of female strategies. The OP, given his 'suspicions' over the years, has been sending out plenty of signals his W has been picking up on. If my experience is any guide, like the customary Russian, she doesn't take a dump without a plan. It only remains for that plan to be revealed. OP, go to MC. It will help you process what is to come in a healthy way. Regardless of the outcome, I think you'll benefit. Hug the kids. Good luck
2sunny Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 My wife finally admitted to an affair she had over a decade ago. What bothers me is the fact the continually lied about this up until now. I had never trusted her and find that there is no way I can EVER trust her now knowing she slept with another, then lied about it for years and years. Is it wrong to feel perpetual mistrust for this? have YOU told your wife of YOUR affair? written by you on July 6th... My wife and I are legally separated and pending divorce. She wants to work things out, but my heart left our relationship years ago...I don't love or trust her the way I need to in order for us to work. Our relationship and marriage was tarnished with disrespect and mistrust since the beginning. Here we are after 18 years of marriage and two boys (11 and 14) seeking divorce. Amongst our problems and issues are the fact she slept with 2 other men during our relationship...one was while we were having problems while engaged. The other was 3 years after we got married. She just recently confessed to her affair 15 years after the fact. I never trusted her throughout and know in my heart I don't want her in my future anymore. She wants to get counseling, but I don't to and want to move on in my life. I also have fallen for someone else which is more of an incentive for me to move on now. Is it normal for mistrust to fester inside you to the point that you just don't want to be with your spouse anymore and want to seek happiness elsewhere? Can people who have affairs then lie about them for years and years really ever be completely trusted? so, YOU suddenly had another love interest and all the problems become about what your W has done? this seems that you aren't invested in the M... and that MAY be because you are now invested in your OW. an exit affair ends many marriages. don't blame this on your wife's history - you can also take the blame for your more recent extra curricular activities/interests... which btw, do not include being faithful or your wife's/kids best interest. YOU did the same as she did - own YOUR part in the failure of the M. have you told your W about your OW? if you haven't - then you are no different than she was... hiding it. if you have - good for you for the honesty. if there is no honesty - there is no way to fix what is broken. seems you two have done things backwards all along. now it's just all coming to light - after the damage has been done. if you wanted another woman - you could have just divorced your W before starting up your connection... THAT would have been the right thing to do - and proper order. proper order tends to cause less hurt feelings, especially if you are honest. good luck. wish you would have posted here BEFORE getting involved with your OW... advice back then along with proper order may have saved all of you a ton of painful experiences. you say you don't love or trust her the way you need to - well - you could have told her that before you started seeing another woman. THAT would be honest. it's also not fair to the OW! hugs to your kids.
carhill Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Nice catch... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t237275/ I'd call this one done. Looks like all the plans have been executed.
Darth Vader Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Yea, I agree. I guess it bothers me because she wants counseling and to try and work through it and I don't. It is time for me to move on and eventually find happiness and trust elsewhere. Normally, I'd be asking how she's reacting to you wanting to leave, but, I'm in a Drop her ass kinda mood today!:rolleyes: I dunno why, anyway, Drop her ass!:cool:
Darth Vader Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Normally, I'd be asking how she's reacting to you wanting to leave, but, I'm in a Drop her ass kinda mood today!:rolleyes: I dunno why, anyway, Drop her ass!:cool: Yeah, nice catch! Usually I pick up on these things, but, I'm running a little slow today, Oh well!
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