rbrohman Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Hello all, looking for some marriage advice. My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have a young daughter. Lately, within the past year or so I have been losing interest in our relationship, I don't get alot of attention from her and I don't think she's feeling me all that much anymore either. We have discussed it and tried to improve things but nothing really seems to have a lasting change. Our sex life is lacking and fails to interest either of us, we do it maybe once a month. Aside from this we do get along ok and don't fight alot. We basically have a happy life together but it just seems the passion has fizzled out and we don't have alot in common and have kind of grown apart. As a result of this I have been developing strong urges to pursue other women. I got a bad crush on a co-worker which I am trying to kick, I am constantley looking at other attractive women and fantasizing about dating others. I just feel this strong desire to pursue others and get attention from other women, I just feel so lonely. I realize this is linked to the current state of my marriage but how do I handle this? I don't want to be one of those scummy cheating guys but I really feel the desire to do that as the only way to fullfill my needs. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this and turn things around? What makes it harder is that my wife is actually an amazing person and I would probably be a fool to leave her but amazing or not I just dont feel like we click anymore. Thanks in advance for any help.
Married_and_Lonely Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 (edited) We sound alot alike, although mabye my situation is more dire.. you can read "Way too young to be in Sexless Marriage", my thread, if you want to feel a little better about your situation.. lol... The steps I took, and probably make sense for you too, are: 1) I wrote a letter out that expressed my current feelings, disappointments, desires, etc related to my marriage and gave the letter to my wife so she could understand completely how I feel. I find writing helps me develop my thoughts and it also helps me communicate my full point clearly without bogging down into fighting with my wife or allowing her to get so distracted by my first point that I don't get to communicate the rest before I'm just exhausted from the discussion and want to go back into my cave. 2) I bought the book "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. If you haven't read it, its a good book (sold 9 million copies) used by counselors and others to get husbands and wives to think about each other's needs from the other persons point of view. The jist of it is that we all speak different love languages and our attempts to express love to our partner will be inneffective if its not spoken in their love language. It's a good book that you both can read, talk about, etc and it gives ideas for things you can try for each love language. 3) I started Individual counseling and even got my wife to agree to going with me to marriage counseling, although we haven't gone to our first session yet. I've been to 2 individual counseling sessions though and I can't say I've seen any improvement yet, but I'm hopeful about the potential in the process. As for the looking at other women and stuff... been there, done that, be careful.. i almost took it too far. I took it as far as getting a girl's phone #, but luckily I tore it up and avoided the restaurant where she worked.. an affair isn't the answer. It'll only screw up your situation 10x more than it is. Affairs are probably the single most destructive behavior towards marriage and most women will not want to continue the marriage. The looking at women and desiring them is a symptom of your poor relationship with your wife. Fix the relationship issues and the wandering eyes should correct themselves in suit. But don't expect an overnight miracle. If you both see the current situation as a problem and both want to fix it, then you have a better chance of this working out. If only one of you is unhappy with the "living like roommates" situation, and the other is content living like this, then it's going to be an uphill battle. That's where I'm at. Edited July 23, 2010 by Married_and_Lonely
lonelyandfrustrated Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 How about turning your thoughts from pursuing other women to pursuing your wife? Woo her, even if you don't feel like it. How young is the young child? Under three?
Married_and_Lonely Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Hello all, looking for some marriage advice. My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have a young daughter. Lately, within the past year or so I have been losing interest in our relationship Is there something that happened in the last year that triggered your loss of interest in the marriage? Was it the beginning of your crush on the co-worker? Soemtimes people have events like these occur that make them realize that they miss the butterflies in the stomach, cloud 9, puppy love feeling. Well, you're not going to feel that with your wife or anyone for a sustained period of time. Realize that these women you hold up on a pedestal are putting their best foot forward because it's a work and social environment. They all have flaws as well that you don't know about. Try not to focus on the mirage of what you're missing out on, and instead focus on what your marriage needs for you both to be happy. Most of the time both husband and wife share some of the responsibility for the current state of the marriage. It's been said before, but the easiest person to change in your marriage is you. So do some reading and introspective analysis. Before you and your wife got married and you were courting her, how did you treat her? What types of activities did you enjoy doing with her? How did you express to her your infatuation of her? We all make the mistake of not courting our spouses after marriage. Marriages need to be fed with love, or they'll go stale and wilt from malnourishment. If you're upset that your wife doesn't compliment you, do you compliment her? If she's not affectionate enough with you, are you giving her hugs and kisses? Are you trying to involve her in your hobbies or are you running off with your buddies every chance you get? I'll stop now. That's a lot to think about. But the point is you have to attack this problem at several levels. Try to improve your mind, improve your actions towards your wife, and give her a chance to help you fix the marriage by pouring your heart out to her in a compassionate way.
BellaBellaBella Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 We have been having some disparity in our interest in sex with each other. I just ordered this book His Needs/Her Needs. It talks about rating needs of your spouse etc. It is about building a better marriage, so your not looking outside of it. I have a way higher sex drive then dh. Trust me there have been times of severe drought. If you want your marriage you can work this through.
fit Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I think a lot of people feel this way at times. Affairs are never the answer, as tempting as they may be. How old are you ? How old is your child ? Are you and your wife physically active ? Do you make an effort to be fit for each other ? Do you do things together ---activities and stuff ?
hopesndreams Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 As a result of this I have been developing strong urges to pursue other women. Yeah, ok. Except for one minor detail. You are lying. The interest in pursuing other women came before losing interest in your W.
Confused_in_canada Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 I know what your feeling over the last year my Wife and Have been experiencing the same situation. We have a big fight things get better but, all too quickly fall back to the status quo. I am starting to believe that because this happens so much it is time to move on. It's frustrating as hell because you think ok now things are good but, then slippery slope syndrome kicks in and before you know it the Cruise control kicks in. I still can't believe that I'm thinking about ending 10 years of work and energy but, I just can't sit on the sidelines anymore. It's hard when there are so many chips on the table too, mortgage, cars, debt, children,etc. But is it really worth it to be emotionally a wreck.... I heard a great line the other day, if you see a chance to be happy, you grab on to that chance and to hell with the consequences.... Sorry I'm rambling...Hope this lends some insight...
Mr. Lucky Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 As a result of this I have been developing strong urges to pursue other women. Yeah, ok. Except for one minor detail. You are lying. The interest in pursuing other women came before losing interest in your W. Your response makes sense except for one minor detail. You have no way of knowing that this is the case... Mr. Lucky
Mimolicious Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 According to this article that I was reading this am... http://metro.us/us/article/2010/07/26/02/4406-82/index.xml He has the answer.
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